I have been reading these posts since January and am finally deciding to begin posting about my problem. I have just finished reading DB and DR and am trying to work on myself, but this is very hard. This may sound like rambling, but I will attempt to put everything as coherently as I can.
Some background on my situation. I love my wife very much and want more than anything to make things work and am willing to do anything possible to save my marriage. Around 2.5 years ago we were in a situation where I was very stressed out with my job, and my wife was very stressed with school, and I feel this was the start of our issues. My wife was trying at this point to get through to me that we were having issues, but I was unable to listen at that time and was consumed by job and financial stress. My wife was also going through stress, and had recently had weight loss surgery so was getting more comfortable with her body and enjoying attention. We bought a house in 2012 and her sister lived with us at the time, and she drew very close to her and I began to feel like I was on the outside, but my other stresses were consuming me so much that i still did not realize it.
My wife decided to move out for the first time in April of 2013, and this was when I first realized that there was an issue. She moved back in within a couple of weeks due to bedbugs in her new place, and said that maybe this was a sign, but at this time she had built a wall up against me and my attempts to reconnect emotionally seemed futile. I tried everything I could think of to win her back, but I just let everything she did affect me too much. She would often go out and stay out until the bars closed, and speak with guys, and then call me to come pick her up, which made me upset to see her so drunk and out alone at the end of the night. It made me terrified. Everything became much more serious when a female coworker of hers moved in in September of that year. I was looking for a place at the time, but was hanging on, and not wanting to hurt her feelings, I could not decide that I wanted to keep the house.
She decided that we should see other people, which really bothered me. I told her that, but decided that if she felt this would help our relationship that it would be ok. We decided dates would be ok but we would not be looking for relationships. I was still trying to do so many things to fix our relationship, mostly the wrong things. I would buy gifts and try to entice her with dinner and doing as many things around the house as I could. She still confided in other people instead of talking to me, which is what I wanted. In November, we had a wonderful fun evening with friends and she gave me a real kiss for the first time in a long time and said she wanted to work on things. After a few days and conversing with her friends and sister, she decided that she didnt want to try to fix things. In December she went to a coupe of parties and met a guy, through a friend who was trying to hook them up... The friend was not amutual friend of ours, and I can not believe someone would try to hook up a married person with someone. It turns out that she stayed at this guys place the first night they met, and a few other times until the PA happened within a couple of weeks. I was devastated by her not coming home and felt what was happening. We didnt talk hardly at all over the holidays, but she told me about everything in January. I also moved out of the house just before Christmas, which I should not have done, but was being forced out, because I was afraid for her to move out, I didnt know where she would go.
In January I found this site, and began to read and read and reaad, while we were separated. I attempted small changes, and began to get a bit of results, but couldn't follow through with everything. Things would get good, then bad, then better, then bad again. But there was still an emotional wall that I could not seem to get through. I ordered the books in March or April and began reading and working. On a couple of occasions since then she has said that she was sorry about everything, and knows we should work on things, but she still has a wall up if I try to be romantic. I feel like things go great when we spend more time together, but after talks with either her sister or her work friends, she withdraws from me again.
We had agreed to do a retrouvaille in mid June, but it fell through due to work schedules and financial things, after which I told her that I would pay for everything, and I really would love it if we could do this. After that, I really hit the books and read both of them within a couple of weeks. I decided to do a 180 and take care of myself and tell everyone at the house that I was moving back in in 90 days. My wife was mad at first, but then said she was glad that I did that, and then told me she missed me and was waiting on me to do that, and asked if I would schedule a counseling session. I get free counseling through work, so I scheduled this. Over the past few months I have off and on spent the night with her at the house 2-3 nights a week at her request, but things go up and down. Up until the day of the counseling I felt like we ere going to try to piece things together through counseling, but when we got there, she had hardened again. I do not know where this came from, but she is still agreeing to continue the counseling, but every attempt I make at trying to be a good and loving husband is shot down. I am so confused on what to do, and when she is feeling worse about things and I try to be a good husband, she says that we arent doing that stuff right now as we are separated.
I have been GAL since February and feel a lot better about many aspects of life, and my job is not as stressful, and she is proud of all this, but she still says that she wishes I would have done this earlier, and she doesn't like being in limbo, and we aren't even together right now. Sometimes when I suggest we just try to work on things, she is very receptive, and other times she completely shuts it down.
This is my life, trying to fix myself and heading that way, but when things are positive between us, I always am happy to get pulled back in, just to be hurt again in a week or so. I feel like I have been doing this for a long time, and never want to give up, but I really just want us to try to do things together, because I know that we are happy and things look brighter when we are, but when she spends more and more time with other people without me, she withdraws from me, until she misses me, then invites me back..
I am attempting my DB and DR techniques, but it's hard to not try my hardest when she opens up to me. I realize this is long and rambling, but I am so lost and confused on what to do, I just wanted to go through everything on the forums while my emotions are flowing.
More to come in the future
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
I reached out to my half-brother today, because he went through a similar situation and it makes me feel a little better. She changed to a new cell phone plan today and asked me to go with her. I told her I was busy, but could go later. So we went, then she said sorry yiu came here for such a short time. I told her I was going to grab some food somewhere nearby, and she asked where, so I asked if she wanted to join, and she said no she had plans with roomates.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
So I am still confused about things, but have started with no contact. I have not initiated contact since Monday, so we haven't talked at all since Wednesday. On Monday I was telling her that I wanted to change my car insurance to the correct location, and I was going to swap plans also (something we had talked about for a while). She asked if I could wait until after this next monday (14th) due to a test she has, because she also wanted to, but she commented on me trying to separate things, saying I was doing this as a step toward divorce. I told her we could still have same plan. This I think is what prompted her to want to get a new cell phone plan as individual. (and possibly a new OM that I believe she met on the July 4 weekend) At first she was going to swap to another provider because her family was on another service. When I showed up to help her, she decided to stay with our provider, just go to individual. She needed to go a couple of places, so I rode around with her (probably shouldn't have). She called me Tuesday to say that she wanted to change her plan a bit, she felt she got cheated when she changed it (she chose to get rid of unlimited data, but now wants it). I told her Im sure she could change it, if she needed a hand, let me know. She called me the next day at work, and she texted me that she got unlimited back. The call was all positive and I wished her good luck studying for her test this coming Monday (14th).
I read my DR book again Monday-Tuesday and decided it was time to try the LRT, so I have not heard from her at all since Wednesday, I sure would like to, but I have felt this has not really helped the M when I do pursue. I wish she would contact me again about anything. I don't know if what I am doing is working, but Im trying to stay strong and GAL. I have been exercising and eating right, and I hung out with my half-brother all day yesterday at a festival. So at least I am out and doing things, I have times that I feel better, and times that I feel worse. I just hope this is not hurting our sitch.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
Wish my posts showed up quicker, Ill try to respond more in other threads I have been reading to get off moderation. Just having a hard day today, Im about to get up and go exercise after a few thread checks.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
I keep making responses, but nothing is showing up . I guess I will just do short ones, and fill in gaps when they start showing up. Been dark since Monday, but this [censored], haven't heard from her since Wednesday. I hope things work out. Im taking care of my health, diet and exercise wise
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
So.. she texted me Monday, saying she passed her test, and asked how I was doing, and said she would call me later. I texted her back about an hour later (I was exercising at the time) and said "Congratulations!! Sounds good"
She called me late at around 11:30 and I was already in bed, but spoke for just a sec, told her congratulations, asked if she knew about her new job yet (she didnt't have details yet), then told her I was half-asleep in bed already, had an early start to work tomorrow. She told me ok, and she was thinking about me. I said thanks, and said our goodnights. Convo was only 3 minutes, felt like I held together well, but I was pretty groggy sounding from being asleep I'm sure.
Still missing her much, but not pursuing and trying to do things and take care of myself. I hope she will work through what she can during this time. I realize I should have actually separated much earlier to give us both this space, it was just so hard not to reach out and try to get her back. From what she has told me at various times, she isnt happy in what she does in her life now, so idk what to think. I guess I need to just continue to focus on myself, but my mind can't help but wander.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
So I'm still thinking about her, she also mentioned on the phone on monday that she wanted to wait another week to change the car insurance plans. I told her I was just planning on changing it when I move back into the house in August. I love being at the house much more that where I am now, and feel so much happier there, and am able to do things that are close by. I am trying to take care of myself now, but looking forward to my trip to Germany and then moving back to the house.
I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but wonder if she will stay at the house for a bit when I move back, or if she will already have a place. From a mutual friend, she is still going out and doing things she has told me she doesn't enjoy doing. I don't know if she just needs to go through this phase, as she didnt go through it in her earlier years. I just hope that my detachment isnt showing her that I don't care. Im pretty sure she knows that I still care and that this is just time to spend on each of ourselves, without the stress of what we were going through together. I just miss my animals and my house, but am staying strong.
I would like to go see my animals... and her... before I go on my trip in late August, but maybe it would be better for us both if I just waited until my return. I am hopeful that my trip will help me focus on other things. Im just rambling =)
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
Thanks ss06, it makes me stronger to hear from her, and allows me to feel good about myself. A couple of months ago I went to a little get together and flirted with a girl a bit, later that night she sent me a facebook message, and I got her number, and went to trivia with her the next week, but decided this is not the way I want to make myself better... for multiple reasons (mostly that I am very much in love with my wife). Though the attention does feel good. Maybe I should go out a bit, but I don't want these interactions to cloud my judgement.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
I am playing a couple of shows this weekend, so I have my weekend full of positive good vibe things. I was a musician full-time previously in life (I actually was one when my wife met me). She tried to get me playing again a couple of years ago, and I never decided to do this for myself until about 6 months ago. She is happy about that, but always said that she wondered why I couldn't do that earlier when she saw that I was unhappy. I made excuses, and it really was not feasible with my job schedule at that time... rotating day and night schedules really messed me up. I feel so much better about work now too since my schedule has changed. I feel like slowly I am making myself feel better. I just wish I could get another chance with my newfound life. I am remaining detached for now though.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
No news is good news and Im keeping on with taking care of myself. Well except for diet, today is my splurge day. First coke in 3 weeks or so and some tasty fast food =). No news means no divorce papers. I actually wish I had given us both this space long ago, before there were OM in the picture. Perhaps it is still positive.. 1 month to go til my trip, I can't wait, but want to see my animals before I go. Just trying not to make any contact at all, so I just may wait to say something if she contacts me. I think she probably appreciates that I am giving her space. Now time to learn some songs... I have put it off too long.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
I'm having a rough day, missing my wife, missing my house, missing my animals. Just 3 weeks ago everything seemed to be turning around, and now worse than ever =\. I haven't heard from wife since monday, but I just texted her because I am waiting for some very important mail, the text was just a hi, how are you, and then into the mail thing. Was bout 2 hours ago, and no response yet =\. Not everyday can be a positive. I miss her so much, even after working onmyself for so long, I don't want to stop thinking about her. I know things could be great if we just could have a clean slate. Still hoping for the best when I move back into the house in October.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
I know I shouldn't try to understand, but I just can't wrap my head around her decision to give anyone else a chance but me. I feel like we deserve a chance, and sometimes she does as well, but then continuing her life with her current group of friends somehow sways her against it. Is it a good thing or a bad things that a couple of time in the last 3 months or so she has said that we should work things out, I just don't get a chance before she changes her mind. Hoping that my going dark and focusing on bettering myself and changing for me will have an impact. It is hard to feel better while not in my own house. It's like I am experiencing another withdrawal from not visiting my house and animals, but I need to figure out a way through this. And I just hope my wife will be receptive and open one day. I just don't think I will ever close that door.. just not doing well =\
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
So I got a response text as follows: Hey. Things are good. Hope you're doing well. Haven't gotten anything yet. I'll let ya know as soon as it comes in. Have a good one!
She is so nice, and at least she isn't completely cold to me like she was previously, but I know she has another life going on... I'm gonna go out and do something.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
You need to work on detaching. I know it is hard, but really try. Then use the time you have until October to really work on yourself, and become the guy she would not want to live without.
Keep posting here on a regular basis and people will follow your story and chime in with words of wisdom and encouragement.
Best of luck to you
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
So I talked to my wife today because I am expecting some very important mail, I texted her to see if it was there. She called me back and said they haven't seen it. Thing is she asked me what I was doing tomorrow. I told her there was a party for someone at work which Im going to tomorrow night (which is true of course), but she told me to call her tomorrow to talk about something.
So I am fairly she flew to visit the OM over this past weekend and think the conversation could be about that. I know I shouldn't dig into this, but I think I need to make a stand for myself about this issue no matter what tomorrow. I feel like I have been just sitting by, and I need to do this to stand up for myself. Not only do I feel better when I do this, but she respects it also. I want to let her know that I feel disrespected and do not wish to remain in an open marriage, and I don't want a divorce, but I will not be disrespected anymore... what to do...
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
She called me a couple of times this weekend to chat. I did for a bit, but was on my way to a party. Told her I was out and needed to go. She called me back at the party, I answered and she heard I was having a good time Im sure. She asked me to come watch the animals today. Since I had not seen them I agreed and knew they needed to be taken care of. I have not been here in over 3 weeks, looking forward to moving back in october.
Confirmed that she flew to see OM.. time to take care of myself emotionally and financially. Gonna tell her that I won't stand for this and start planning for my future. I would love her to come back to me, but she needs to stop this affair and quit looking for other men and putting herself in positions to meet other men... that is very disrespectful to me. I know she doesnt want to hurt me, but she needs to know how hurtful and disrespectful this has been to me, our marriage and our friendship. Then I will continue to be dark until october when i move bac and continue my GAL. Any thoughts?
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
So she is going to fly out to visit him again. This is very disrespectful. From a friend, she is also looking for a job out there. I guess I need to tell myself that she is just done for right now and try to forget it. I have to move on, but I still do not want a divorce. I don't know what to do. I have been waiting to move back in in october, but knowing all this makes me crazy. This is not the woman I knew. I think her family supports her in this too which is crazy. I know they love me and think Im a great guy, how could they support these things. Maybe they don't know... idk. I don't know if OM knows she is married..
This whole thing just [censored], how do her emotions change so rapidly. I guess I just never really took a hard stand for myself, I just hope it isn't too late to take charge. This is not the woman I want, but I do want the woman that I know is in there somewhere. Ugg.
She is flying out again early next week. She is working today and tomorrow, when should I bring up that I know about affair and I won't be a part of this?
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
I keep seeing posts in other threads advising the LBS to "not leave the marital bed", well I made this mistake because I was scared about where my wife would go. I know better than to do that now. I am moving back in October, but am wondering if I should go back even sooner.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
What do you see as being the LRT? You read threads on this board for about half a year before you finally decided to tell your story. What did you learn by reading here all those months? What does MWD advise a man do if his W refuses to stop having an A?
She has hopped from man to man. You keep saying you feel disrespected. But what have you actually done about being disrespected?
Your wife is about as wayward as she can get. This is worse than being in an A with one man. She is going from man to the next. You are living in an open marriage!
What I am seeing is a H who is co-dependent and who lets his W tell him what's what......and he does whatever she says. Why on earth would a man agree to let his W date other men just b/c it's what she wants? What does this say about you as a man, as a H, a leader?
Yes, she is disrespecting you as much as a woman can show it. That's why she isn't attracted to you any longer, b/c she lost respect for you as a man. She keeps doing these horrible things and you roll over and hopes she will take you back. No woman is attracted to a man who will allow her to treat him like that!
My advice, is don't move in with her. It may be popular advice around here, but doesn't mean it always apply in every stitch. In your case, I think it would cause you to appear as accepting the open M. That's the last thing you should do!
You have no kids, so go dark and cut off all contact. Don't take her calls. Don't respond to texts and emails. Don't go to the house and pet sit with the animals. Get them, if you want them, but don't use them as your excuse to go over there. Cut off any financial support. Protect yourself financially, first.
You cannot persuade a woman who is living like this to take you back. She is wild. She is being influenced by the wrong friends. (And of course they would hook her up with a M man!). There are no morals. She has lost them.
You need to stop talking to her friends and family. As far as she and her friends & family are concerned, they need to think you've dropped off the face of the earth.
You really......REALLY need to move forward with your life and become the man you need to be. I think she's headed for a downward spiral at some point. Maybe turn to you if she's in trouble or having a hard time. In the meantime, she'll try to see why you aren't having anything to do with her, so be prepared to stand firm. She may start to find respect if she sees you being strong enough to refuse her crumbs. So no bargaining, persuading, R talks, pleading, etc. You should have set boundaries a long time ago. Have you even thought about it?
I'm sure you may see this as being terribly negative and discouraging from me. I honestly am not trying to tear you down any more than you already are. I am simply cutting to the chase instead of giving a bunch of warm fuzzies and patting you on the head. You need to hear the plain truth about wayward wives, and now so much time has passed that a lot of damage has been done. FWIW, I was a wayward wife. I lost respect and attraction for my H. So I'm trying to tell you what someone should have told him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So, I just took a stand and told wife that I knew about her and the OM, I pretty much stuck to the script given to another DBer by Starsky
"I know all about you and ______, and it needs to stop, immediately. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our friendship.""I do not want a divorce, but this needs to be clear -- I am not willing to live in an open marriage. End your affair and come back and work on the marriage with me, and you will find that I am ready and willing to work on all issues, including continuing to work on my own issues.�
She started to flounder and got upset and said that she already said she wanted a divorce (which she has only ever said while she was in an affair[she has at times loved me and changed and said she wanted to work on things, I just have never gotten her to change the mindset of looking for another man before and finally I stand up and state that in a hard boundary kinda way]) and that this meant she was not in an affair. I told her that I would be willing to talk about the relationship or divorce if and when she decided to end the affair or decided to start being honest with me.
So now to continue my GAL and focusing on myself more than ever. For far too long I showed her unconditional support, but that was just hurting me when she would go out and get into affairs with OM. I have now decided to stick up for myself. I wish I had a little more help on my thread, but hopefully that will come in time.
I try to leave positive feedback in other threads, but not much traffic here yet. Any thoughts or ideas.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
I really appreciate your feedback sandi, and I totally agree. I started reading the threads back then, but I was really just browsing and didn't get too deep into them until more recently, because I thought things were getting better, I didn't know that I was just getting played. I read just a little bit back then. Now with what I have been looking at recently I realize everything I have done has been wrong.
I have been very close to no contact over the past 3 weeks, minus my request for mail, and a couple of responses to her texts. I decided that I needed to break this to finally let her know that I was not okay with any of this, and now I am not ok with the affair that is going on or that mindset.
At first she told me it was good that she was seeing others, because there was no one good out there. Then all of that changed, and I was a pushover and just hoping to not upset her for too long. With all of this time to myself recently and reading these boards, I have grown a lot and gone back to my old strong self, and finally took a stand.
I really appreciate your feedback and will be dark and keep my strong stand against the affair. Thank you for the wake up call and for your support.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
So W just came by my house... she called twice which I didnt answer, but then texted me that she was at the gate and needed to talk. I let her come in, I stood firm with everything and told her the same things I said over the phone. I told her I didnt want to talk about anything unless she was honest, and no R talk unless she ends the affair. She got somewhat honest with me about the guy and then asked how I knew. I never told her. I said this was all very disrespectful and I never wanted any of this seeing other people. We definitely never agreed to relationships. I stayed strong and didnt stray too far from the same points I told her over the phone. She went through different emotions and finally told me that she would break things off with other man this week. She also said that this doesn't mean that we are ok and back together. She says she still is planning on divorce, but she understands that I feel very disrespected and is going to end things.
She requested a hug at the end and I told her I could not do that at this time while there is another man in the picture. I used the other man in the picture line a few times. She kept pushing the hug and I never caved. I gave her one quick pat on the arm as she was walking out. She said she would contact me next week after she ends things with the other guy. Win or not, Ill take it as a small victory even if she still wants a divorce. I know she has some respect for me at least.
Now to work on myself and stay dark in the meantime.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
That was a much better job. I hope you will consider what your boundaries are. If she ever wants to know what it would take to get the R back. Right now, she still wants a D, but when she sees you being strong and she can't play you for a fool......I think she will start respecting you a little more each time.
A woman has to feel that respect for her H before she can be attracted to him. It goes hand in hand.
Who knows where things may be by October. But just don't get any hurry, there are a lot of issues to work through.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you. I do feel good about getting those things out and clearing the air a bit with her, this detaching and finally saying how I feel about the OM and beginning to set my boundaries have made me feel a bit better at work today as well. I also feel better each time that I read back through.
I am really looking forward to going to the beach in a couple weeks with my mom and my sister +family. Then Im out of the country for a month, so this is great time to work on myself with myself. Im in this for the long haul, and realize my previous methods have been wrong and it's time to follow what has worked for others. Slow and steady wins the race here. Thanks for the support all.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
A self-confident mature man is very attractive to women. In spite of the mindset of a WAW, her female nature responds to the leadership of a male authority figure (if he knows how to lead with it and not abuse it).
In our society, women fought so hard to be equal with men, that the competition went from the workplace and flowed over into marriages. I believe in the "partnership" in M. But I also believe the man should be the ultimate leader in the family. When he doesn't, then she will, and then the trouble follows. B/c the man will get slack in other things.
So anyway, enjoy your folks. You need to be around those who love you and show support for you. Being away from the hot spots can be refreshing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are a true gem sandi, and you make me look back and find pieces that wife has hinted at what she wants. My W has actually said just that. She needs a strong person to be in charge and asked me to take charge in different things in the past year or so, and I just seem to recall all these things now. She also said it was a strong move and she respected that I told everyone at the house that I was taking my house back, and she has wanted me to be more "commanding" for lack of a better word in social situations as well.
It seems like my life experiences (military and my current job, still in military for 1 more year) have pushed me more in this non dominant and quiet self as I cant really talk about what I do. I know this is an excuse, so I have to get around this as soon as I can and start taking charge of other areas of my life as well. I have always been the best when I have been on top of my game, I just need to return to that and pursue my passions again.
Visiting a friend this weekend, and I started going climbing again today. I need to start writing music again and get out and play with more people. I know I can be so much more in this life, and now is my chance. Thank you again for the support sandi, I believe my wife is feeling and has felt exactly that, that I wasnt being the strong and confident man that she needed and knew I was and could be. More than that, I haven't been who I have wanted to be and it doesnt happen by just sitting around.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
So I have had no contact since that evening she came over after I told her that I wouldn't live in an open marriage and she agreed to end things with him. She said that she would like to get together 1 day this week after she ended things with him. I dont know what to expect or if I should try to expect anything. I feel fairly certain that it will be D logistics, but who knows, maybe she will surprise me, she has changed so quickly in the past. I don't know if she has ended things with him or not as she has been visiting him all of this past week. I guess I will just have to wait and see, I have given up on doing any snooping as I do not think that would help me at all anymore, I know enough.
I have been reading 5 love languages and am debating on which languages my wife speaks. She wanted us to read this long long ago, before I knew there was a problem (couple of years ago) but didnt get too far with it. I wish I could go back and hit myself and tell the former me what I needed to do. I dont know if I should slowly try to reach out in one of those languages or just remain dark, but confident and pleasant only. I also watched some cheesy movie about a situation similar to mine with a happy ending that made me cry a good bit.
On to myself... I had a good time with my buddy hanging out at his business with just him, we got a good bit accomplished and spent the whole day there which let me get through a day without dwelling. It is hard not to wake up thinking about her. I seem to be able to control my thoughts more as the day goes by, but waking up she is always in my mind. Did some climbing this week, planning on going to a baseball game with a friend one day this week, and taking care of a lot of things in my small rent-a-room prepping for my trips and impending move back home after. Don't know if wife will be moving out immediately or not. I would hope not as it will give some time to show my 180s, which are hard to do while being dark.
Well back to reading some more 5 LL before getting up and going out for a bit to enjoy the day.
~asat
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
She called today to see if I could get together one night this week, hopefully tuesday she says. I told her I was going to a game one night this week and Im not sure what day yet.
She says we need to talk logistics of the animals and other house stuff since she will be gone (moved out) after I get back from my trip. This is when I told them (wife and 2 roomates) I was moving back into my house. So... what to do... was kinda hoping there would be a chance of having just us in the house for a change to try and show some 180s. Maybe this is good that she move out though idk. I don't know how to detach and separate when I still have hope.
I also don't know if she broke it off with OM like she said she would. Should I ask about this?
~asat
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
Wife called, my mail came in that I was needing, but then she talked for a bit, says that its over between her and OM, and was venting a little to me about looking for a new place to live and everything and some stress at work. I don't know how to take everything as she just got back from visiting him. I tried to validate, but remained firm that I still felt disrespected. She says she understands and doesn't want to hurt me.... I didn't try to reason with her, but wake up sister, you are hurting me with this.
We are still getting together Wednesday to talk, but not really sure what things I should focus on or stay away from. Im just planning on listening a lot and validating so far, but expressing how I am standing up for myself and still not okay with OM, but if things are over and it doesn't happen again, we can work on friendship then. idk what I should do.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
Breaking up with OM is just part of the hard work for her. She will have to go through the "withdrawal". That's when the affair partners backslide and contact each other. With every contact, it's like starting back at the beginning line of withdrawals.
I tend to be suspicious of a WAW in an A saying she's breaking up with her affair partner when she's been with him throughout the week.....after telling you she would end things with him. There's only one way to end an A.
Just be careful. Give this a lot of time to prove itself out. When she's really over the OM, I think you'll know it. But even if they "broke up", it doesn't mean she's over him.
So, just continue to be the best for you. Be who you want to be, and don't focus on wanting her to see your 180's. It's kind of funny how the word seems to get around about how you've changed. It's actually good that she hears about it, rather than you trying to show her in a short time. She will more likely believe the changes are sincere if others are seeing and talking about them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W says she has tried many times to end it with OM but keeps going back. She is not in the position to end it cold turkey at this point (she works with him).
I've noticed that W is more attentive to me when things are going well for them (strange and hurtful).
I feel that if the affair is really over, she would announce it to me as a victory. But that probably would not be how she would feel - only how I would feel.
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
some results and small changes from her... keeping at it and staying strong.
will add more later, but mutual friends here this weekend and now i am being invited to do things with her (before and after they are here as well) I have accepted one day, since i would love to see them
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
So I had a wonderful weekend, I had to turn down plans with my wife and the friends on Friday because I had other plans. She invited me out again on Saturday and we had a great time. I feel like this was a very much needed thing for us and for her to see how things could go. These were are ones we have known for quite a while and we all had so much fun together and she would always sit next to me on Saturday night and she jumped on my back as we were walking down the street, and she talked bad about her roommates (who I think have been a bad influence on her) multiple times throughout the evening, and there were never any bad vibes between us, the whole night was a blast.
And since we all got drunk she offered to drive me home with them to hang out more, I agreed as I couldn't drive. She told me that she would drive me back to my car in the morning as I had somewhere to bet, but they all invited me to hang out again Sunday afternoon before they flew out. We went back to the house and got some food and hung out and put in a movie, we all passed out, and she came and grabbed me to go down and sleep with her, which I did. It was just like old times and I wish these friends and any of our old friends were around. It really felt like she was trying to try things out and test the waters. I stayed friendly but didnt pursue or follow her around. I was just friendly to her like I was everyone else.
We had a good conversation without any relationship talk on the 30 minute drive to get my car the next morning and she told me to call her later so we can all hang out before our friends left.
Well we got together on Sunday after my plans were done, and we hung out for a bit and went out to eat. She sat right next to me even though there were 5 other open chairs and no one was nearby at the time. I'll take this as a positive as well. So I am trying not to get my hopes up, but I could sense that something was a bit different. I am leaving for out of town this Saturday and out of the country next Saturday. Question is should I remain dark still? Or should I try to open up a bit too her, I don't want to seem closed off, but Im pretty sure she knows that from what I have told her previously and how I was this weekend.
I just don't know what to do now, and I feel like I don't want to just ignore the momentum that happened, but I will if it is advised. She gave me a big hug as they were leaving to go to the airport and told me that she would talk to me this week before I went on my trip. I know she has been working Monday and Tuesday, but more than anything I want to just try to start rebuilding things anew after such a positive experience. Should I initiate any contact or just leave it.
Oh and I hung out with them all because I wanted to see the friends, it was just a bonus that my wife and I had a connection during this timeframe.
~asat
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
This post should be before the long one I just posted and it is all from before the weekend.
I can tell from how she has acted that she has broken things off with OM. We had a serious conversation on Thursday and she opened up a bit, still was saying that she was scared and wanted a divorce she thinks, but 3 times or so she verbally doubted that and hinted strongly that things may be better (she sees that I am truly changing in many ways I know it)
I continued to stand up for myself during the conversation and made it clear that I was taking care of myself and would not be able to provide for her financially or emotionally if she were not my wife. When I have made these strong stands recently she gets mad at me immediately, but within 10 minutes or so she seems to draw closer and gain respect, its all so fast and Im trying to just slow it down and keep things steady. I am earning her respect, but most importantly I am growing respect for myself.
Anyway since I refused the hug last time she asked again and I accepted a hug. We had discussed that if OM was in picture that I would not be available as a friend or someone for her to count on. So she hugged me and wouldn't let go for a while, she started kissing my neck and I reciprocated a bit before hugging her tightly and saying that I should go. She didnt want to let go, but I told her I would see her with our friends over the weekend.
And as you have seen from the weekend thread, things went well. I just don;t know what to do now. I am still continuing to get a life, and am trying not to focus on the past or her. But this has reinvigorated my hope and faith that things can still turn out as a reconciled marriage.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
I would like to ask her out on a date, as when we were still in the same house even after turning into a WAW she said that she wanted to be taken out and wined and dined. Is asking for a date once before I am gone for a month and a half a bad thing, or should I wait for her to initiate contact this week?
I don't want her to feel that this is a thing that hasn't changed, I want this to be obvious to her that I want to woo her and make her feel excited to be around me and know that I can do this the right way now. And since she says she is scared, this would be a 180 (i may be justifying this all wrong), but if my motives are just a date and I don't bring up relationship, just that it was good to see her this weekend and wanted to say goodbye before my long trip is this ok>??? hehe, mind is rambling I need to get out and go to the store for a bit.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
I would be suspicious and doubtful that it has really turned around so fast, that W has ended contact with OM for good. Is it just her word that the A is over? Or do you have some way to verify this? If they work together then it is almost a certainty that this will not be the end of this. Is she military too? If she is could she be transferred to another command? My experience was that everyone usually knew who was sleeping with who but commanders did not like the attention that came with a formal complaint from a spouse and would move personnel around to avoid having to take UCMJ action.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
She is not military, and they do not work together. He lives many states away, and I could always tell if she was interested in someone else or in a dating relationship by her attitude towards me.
~asat
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
Yes, for me the attitude has also been a dead giveaway; W also for some strange reason braids her hair a particular way when she beginning to get involved with someone else. Have no idea why, but when I see it I know there is OM out there.
Me37, W30, S7 Married 10yrs 05/11/04 ILYBINILWY 22/09/13 Disc. OM1 26/09/13 Disc. STD from OM2 03/02/14 Affair Confession 21/06/14
W and I share same apartment (for a few more days). W isn't pushing for D.
I'm getting together with her next Thursday before I leave the country. This work and small positive interactions I can feel do have a positive affect on her as long as I stick to my values and boundaries. Problem is that is also has an affect on me which makes me wanting more. Detaching is easier sometimes, but harder sometimes. It's just hard to know what to do, trying to figure things out as I go.
Me 31 Her 30 M 5.5 T 11 0 Kids Bomb drop: 4/13, EA+PA: 12/13 Separated: 12/13, 3rd chance of counseling:7/14
. I guess I will just do short ones, and fill in gaps when they start showing up. Been dark since Monday, but this [censored], haven't heard from her since Wednesday. I hope things work out. Im taking care of my health, diet and exercise wise