My point is, you always have a "reason" why you respond the way you do.
It comes across as a lot of self-defense of your initial position and not a lot of movement away from that.
It's your call whether you want to make some changes in yourself, for yourself, or keep beating your head against the wall.
Same problem though, right?
Like saying I haven't thanked anyone (I have), saying I need to work on myself (I am, with examples), and contradicting other things I've said. It's hard to argue. Things get lost in translation, maybe.
K, I didn't mean completely ineffective, but still, I thought it would be more like getting advice on how to follow the research methods from Michele's years of experience and book-writing.
I'm spending the weekend of the holiday in town with my wife. Neither one of us can wait. I promise not to bring up sex or focus on me in any way. We're going to have fun.
If your wife suffered an accident or debilitating illness that precluded her ability to have sex or engage in sexual activity even if she wanted to, would you stay with her?
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
"You are misinterpreting a lot, and leaving out some of the most important parts, particularly therapy."
What EXACTLY did I misinterpret? I didn't even mention therapy. I just noticed you like to argue alot.
"I have listened. And I've followed a lot of advice."
Again, I didn't say you didn't listen. I said you argue alot. You are the one who doesn't seem to be capable of understanding what another person is telling you.
"But I'm following more advice now instead from Michele's books and my own therapist. The things you say in disagreement about me simply aren't true in the first place so I don't know why I continue to try to change your mind."
I didn't say anything about your character or whatever assumptions you have made about what you think I think. I (and others) have just mentioned that you tend to argue back alot.
"As for my wife ever talking about past relationships and past sexual experiences, that part doesn't really bother me in and of itself"
I never even brought that up.
"I don't know what you expect me to talk about here then. I didn't come here to talk about how good my life is, and it is good. Does that not make sense?"
You don't understand. Try to listen. The good in your life is intertwined with the bad. The positive interactions that you have with your W is important to bring up because whatever you did to bring out that positive response may be increased to bring up more positive interactions leading to sex. If all you do is gripe about what she doesn't do for you, you're missing the point of Michele's teachings. Think and talk about what she DOES do for you.
"I also didn't realize there was a time frame on a SSM. Michele certainly didn't mention that, and I'm also sure any SSM that lasted for years and years started at some point in the first few months."
Didn't you say that the last time you had sex with your W was about a month ago? That's not an SSM. And again, you're missing the point. You are the one who constantly brings up the fact that you feel invalidated, unloved, etc. from your W because she doesn't want to have sex with you right now. And I bring up the "right now" because you don't seem to be getting that. "Right now" your W is going through a health issue. That's HER problem which you have to allow her to get through in the way she wants to. You can encourage her to get her, but you can't tie a leash around her and force her to get treatment. That's what everyone is trying to get across to you. But you're too stubborn to see that. You come across as a little boy who can't get an ice cream cone even though you're offered everything else. You just want THAT ice cream cone and nothing else is good enough for you. And btw, yes is is how you come across. You keep saying how your W satisfies your other needs, your M is good, etc. But you only concentrate on that ice cream cone and if you can't have it right now you're going to bail.
We ALL get the fact that aside from the sex, your M is good. But YOU are the one who puts so much emphasis on sex that you see it as a deal breaker for you. Give it some time and patience. If you don't learn how to validate the opinions of people on these boards, you're not going to be able to validate your W's thoughts and feelings which is what she needs right now.
I don't think this last part will get through, but it's inherently the most important part. My wife and I are good."
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
If your wife suffered an accident or debilitating illness that precluded her ability to have sex or engage in sexual activity even if she wanted to, would you stay with her?
And what's this health issue, anyway? You've convinced yourself she's dying or something?
Yes, she's had cancer 5 years ago, and she has diabetes. I don't get it. It all sounds like excuses but they're so misplaced I can't really get upset at that. Like, it was more than a month before the first time I posted here, and that was May, for example.
Let's just not argue anymore. I can't imagine what you're going through and I won't have to find out because of what I know now. If nothing else, that's good advice I'm following from you and you can take it to heart.
My wife has definitely noticed the changes in me (exercise, dogs, training, playing more music, therapy, meditation, etc.) and they've been consistent, which I think is the most important part any time anyone makes changes. I'm looking forward to this weekend, and we're going to spend a lot of time together. I can't wait.
"My wife has definitely noticed the changes in me (exercise, dogs, training, playing more music, therapy, meditation, etc.) and they've been consistent, which I think is the most important part any time anyone makes changes."
While those changes are great, they aren't the crux of your problem. The problem lies within your W and the struggle she's going through. You can change all you want, but it doesn't get down to the root of the why your W isn't "into it" right now. Give her time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
If your wife suffered an accident or debilitating illness that precluded her ability to have sex or engage in sexual activity even if she wanted to, would you stay with her?
Yep.
That's not what this is about, but yes, still.
It might not be what this is about... but I think your situation would be well-served if that's how you conceptualized it.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
If your wife suffered an accident or debilitating illness that precluded her ability to have sex or engage in sexual activity even if she wanted to, would you stay with her?
Yep.
That's not what this is about, but yes, still.
It might not be what this is about... but I think your situation would be well-served if that's how you conceptualized it.
It still sounds strange. After all, my wife doesn’t have that problem.
And if she had a problem, wouldn’t it only make sense for me to help her fix it?
For example, if she broke her leg, I’d take her to physical therapy, right? Or if she couldn’t walk, I’d push her wheelchair any time I could. But if she has a problem with low libido, hands off? I understand what you’re trying to say, I still only want us both to be happy.
