She is right. She said she doesn't know herself, when it gets tough, she runs or avoids.
Until she finds herself there is no possibility of a healthy R with me, or anyone.
I want a healthy R. For myself, and my sons.
After much thinking, processing the past and the present, much grieving...
I feel good in that I did give it my best, this standing bit, even she says it is not me, never was (mostly, yes I did contribute to the martial issues). I fixed myself, became a kind, integrated man. A great father. I feel good with myself and this journey, learned a lot, grew my CHD.
I am done standing.
I wish her well, I will of course be in her life due to the kids, there will always be love for her, she did give me many years of love and support. I am grateful for that...and those years and how good they were made it so hard to let go.
But I get it now.
I'm at peace.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I know you pretty well, I think. You feel like you have to make this all encompassing decision about whether you are done or not, standing or not, etc.
While it may feel helpful to try to figure it all out, the truth is, all you have to do right now is allow yourself to feel it.
No need to make a stand. No need to label it. Just feel the feelings - all of them. They are going to come around and flip back and up and over again. That's the way it should be.
At the end of the day, she is saying what she has been for the most part. You have cycled through all of this before. You will again. More quickly this time.
You are right about this. You do need to hear her. Not for her, for you. Not to help you make a decision one way or the other, but, because it is what's best.
She needs to do this. You need to let her. For her. For you.
No one knows what the future holds. That's true. What I hope it holds for you is that you can embrace who you are. Accept that you did the very best you could and so did she.
Be good with the fact that it all mattered. To you...to your kids...and to her.
You may not see all of that immediately, but, you will one day.
T, I hurt for you, my friend. But I am also glad that this may allow you to move to the next part. Whatever that may be.
You have walked this with courage and strength and honor, without a doubt. That matters, too.
Take some time to sit with all that you feel. Help your kids get grounded. Take care of you, though, T. I mean really take care of you. Its ok to do that, ya know?
You are pretty freakin amazing. I am, as always, rooting you on, praying for you and wishing you all good things.
Thank you UR... And yes, been cycling through emotions.. And I actually AM being gentle with myself.
Cat04, I have been thinking a lot about what I want in an R for quite a while. Here are some things I've come up with, just added them to a list as I thought of them, not all are required, naturally, just things I'm looking for...
-someone who will try to keep the relationship safe: not cheat, not be looking around the next corner for something better, in real life, online, etc.
-someone who will forgive and accept my mistakes and flaws, cherish my strengths and talents, and not resent either of them.
-someone who will be able to disagree, stand up, speak their mind, yet compromise, or agree to disagree without thinking the relationship is over, not worth keeping, not meant to be, end of the world, etc.
-someone who believes that most things can be worked out if both parties open their mind, and put effort and dedication into finding a solution agreeable to both parties.
-someone who can forgive and let go of the past and move forward, together.
-someone who has their own activities, friends and interests, allows me mine, and we share some common activities, friends and interests.
-someone who will tell the truth, even if it is uncomfortable or may hurt. No lies or lies of omission.
-someone who can and will communicate their wants and needs respectfully and long before it is a huge issue.
-someone who knows reality exists and must be dealt with, while still striving towards ideals, goals and spirituality.
-someone who tries to be better than they were the day before.
-someone who wants and gives intimacy, holding hands, hugs, reading books together, napping together, sharing their inner selves, bedroom activities, risks being vulnerable.
-someone who is happy to see and be with me, and I with them, making sure to make the relationship a priority in the midst of many priorities.
-someone who is grateful for what they have, doesn't envy others, while still trying to make life better.
-someone who accepts that they will grow old, yet live and be young in heart and mind.
-someone who uses both their heart and their head.
-someone who can find laughter, joy, even in tough times, but especially good or neutral times.
-someone who likes home cooked food, likes to cook, likes that I cook, likes to grow home grown food, emphesizes natural health.
-someone who likes and wants to be in the outdoors, in nature.
-someone who values and engages in health and fitness.
-someone who has intellectual and spiritual curiosity, likes to read many genres.
-someone who has creative skills they engage in, doesn't matter what it is.
-someone who will share there knowledge and skills with me, and let me share mine.
-someone who leads where they are stronger, and lets me lead where I am stronger, without jealousy or resentment.
-someone who can be silly and not care what others think.
-someone who can be, and also wants, and allows me to be, a help-mate.
-someone who sees a relationship, and a family, as a team endeavor.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
