H and I are sexually active. I do not know the status of the affair right now - and I'm NOT supposed to ask.
So.....
What do I do about that?
Do I set a boundary about sexual activity if I'm acting as if there is no affair?
H has not threatened to leave the house in over six months, and he actively talks about our future both short term and long term. He may be cake eating (I honestly don't know right now).
Have read and read and read and read! And now I have to put away the books and rules and hope that I've studied hard enough for this test, because H comes home today! (He's been on a 17 day trip with our D to Europe with a school tour.)
Here's what I've learned about how to help MYSELF:
1) STOP MOPING AROUND. It a) doesn't make me feel any better and b) isn't attractive to ANYONE. Not to H, not the kids, to the neighbors or friends.
In the immortal words of The Incredibles, "YOU ARE ELASTICGIRL! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!"
And the side note to that is, stop THINKING about her so much.
She's not worth the karmic energy. Let it go. (You know some of you are singing now.)
3) DETACH
This one is a little tricky for me...I'm going to go forward as DETACHING from the sitch,
But - I'm going to continue to NOT initiate conversations with H, certainly online.
This is tricky because he has told me that he felt like I didn't pay enough attention to him, didn't appreciate the things that he did for me and the family, and didn't spend time with him. Sounds like he and I could both read the Five Love Languages. I am an Acts of Service love giver for sure....Will need to figure out how to LOVINGLY distance in this situation. Tricky.
4) GAL
On the list: call about volunteer opportunities at two local places! Work on my business website so I can get some more clients Keep going to yoga Maintain my new list of restaurants that I want to try (I love to go out to eat, and never really used to do it! No time like the present!) Go shopping for some clothes to fit my ever-improving, strong bod! Get and manicure and a pedicure this week! Continue to walk the dog at night - HE LOVES IT! (We have a big yard and he doesn't need a walk, but it's nice for both of us!)
5) Goals for My Marriage This one has been the hardest for me, because I know I need to break it down into manageable pieces. My goal is to return to a relationship that is based on Honesty and Fidelity - we don't have that right now. (We have a relationship where he trusts me and wants me to be his lifetime companion, but my needs of honesty and fidelity are still in limbo...)
That is WAY too big of a goal to have right now.
So...
Right now my goal is to become the wife that anyone would be a fool to treat badly, but also to become a woman who can stand on her own two feet and say, "I will not allow you to treat me this way, and if you do so, the ramifications will be x."
My goal is to be better at establishing boundaries with H. He and I never needed them before...but we're learning all about that now.
I'm not at a point yet where I can execute the Last Last resort. So - I will have to get to that point. Baby steps!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST
I need to start thinking in a positive light. I have spent 8 months throwing negative energy at this thing, and it's definitely not moved things in a positive direction. Enough. (And so not my style, by the way...)
So - focus on myself in the present moment and the gift that it is. Enjoy our two awesome children and continue to help them grow into the strong, great young adults that they are becoming. And hope to nurture the ashes of the phoenix....Because stamping all over the ashes may extinguish the embers which I don't want to do. Giving them a little space and air may provide enough oxygen to let that puppy burst back gloriously.....Here's hoping!
Okay....As Desiderata says, the world is unfolding as it should.
Got an email today that a person for whom I've done quite a lot of volunteering is leaving his job. Called his boss and said, "So - is the position filled?"
It's not.
Might be an interesting opportunity for me, and I was encouraged to apply! I wonder if I can balance it with my consulting business.
H is back and monstering a bit. I was a little late getting to the airport and he was totally grumpy about it. (On the plus side, I put on a cute outfit, and a little lipstick and eyeliner...And frankly folks, I look pretty good.) Seriously - I don't EVER remember him being so grumpy. Even D said, "Hey - we've been together for 5 minutes. Let's not fight!" It's weird, but I'm not letting it bother me. I just went and did ironing and my own thing. He finally asked if I would come and look at some of his photos from his trip with D. Sure!
Now he's watching soccer (and asked if I would come watch with him). I told him I'd watch some of the game, but I had some other things to do first.
Like.....work on my resume (which I didn't say, but I have to do!).
I do want to watch the game, and I'm happy to spend time with him, but I need to pace myself!
Boy, though...as he was railing about this that and the other, I had to take a very deep breath and NOT blow up at him!
MLP, I'm sorry you haven't gotten more feedback yet.
I read your initial posts carefully and skimmed the second page. I'm glad you read the whole book rather than mainly the MLC section.
I wouldn't worry about diagnosing MLC and identifying stages. That's kind of a cheeseless tunnel. As obvious as these MLCs look to us, that may not be how he's experiencing all this and since he's not behaving rationally or fairly you won't be able to know how he IS experiencing it all.
He has been very rough on you and I'm so sorry for that. Your sitch is very new so it's going to be a roller coaster for a good long while. Next week marks the one year anniversary of my BD#1 and I'm only just now learning calm. It took me much longer to find DR than you and it's fair to say I probably wouldn't have believed it applied to me any sooner anyway. So good for you for dealing with your stuff head on so promptly.
Good for you for standing up for yourself and good luck with the job opportunity!
I was wondering if you've done much thinking about your M to see how you got here?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Have I done much thinking about my marriage? You betcha.
When the bomb was initially dropped on me, he told me he loved his life, he loved his marriage, he loves his family, he loves me. This was just "additive." He claimed he had been wanting it since the day we got married. He'd been TRYING to tell me in a roundabout way for years.
Before Bomb Drop though he had started to say things like, "I want to whiten my teeth," "I need to pick new glasses that make me look younger," "I need to lose 20 lbs.," "I want to ride a bike century," "We need to start a weightlifting plan," "We have to have my parents over for dinner once a week because they're going to die!"
We fought almost never. We were best friends. (I don't argue much with my friends either - I'm pretty good with just agreeing to disagree.) I gave him a lot of space to do his own thing - so not co-dependent. Oddly, it was when I started pursuing some of my own activities (like long-distance running) that he started to get a little bit weird. He tells people still that he needed to take up running because he had to keep me from running away.
I now say he was my best friend. I just don't think that a real friend would do this. He is horrified that I use the past tense. He has tearfully explained to me that giving up the "friend" would be sad because she is such a good friend. I explained that I didn't think so....She KNEW how much he valued his family (she even told him that it made him so attractive to her), yet she compromises that relationship. Friends make each other better people, but these two have a relationship where they MUST lie to their spouses and friends. Does that make him a better person?
Sometimes I feel like I totally get this whole craziness as his friend...just not as his spouse. If I were watching this ONLY as his friend I could talk to him about it and it wouldn't hurt so much. Anyway - it wouldn't matter either way. It's his journey. Detach detach detach.
He has said that he has always known that he could trust me more than he could trust himself. This seems strange, because early in our relationship he was very threatened by my male friends. I learned very early on the importance of setting boundaries with other men. (A co-worker who was a friend once came on to me at an office party--he invited me to leave with him. I declined, there was no physical contact, and I ended all future contact with him.)
H has told me that I have been more worried about the kids than I was about him. I do think that's probably true--I wasn't so good at fostering our relationship. He and I would occasionally go away and he wouldn't miss the children at all, whereas I would be pining for them. I always just thought that was male/female difference, but I can see that I wasn't doing my job as a wife to make him feel good about being a man. Sex was really just sex....It was provided often, but not really initiated by me. This is now a tricky spot to be in - because I'm pretty turned off by someone who pursued physical and emotional affection elsewhere. I had never ever stood for that in any previous relationship...but I'm pretty committed to marriage. I took those vows seriously. I'm in a pickle about that.
Can I pay him more attention? I can and should, but I want the EA/PA or WHATEVER that is to be over first. Don't know when/if that's going to happen. I wonder if it will take longer because she lives in another city.
I'm not pursuing him right now - that's important...but I'm sensitive to the fact that he thinks I didn't spend enough time with him, so I'm trying to make sure I'm meeting those needs. Tricky, right?
180s for me...being pleasant rather than a wet dishrag. I had always been pleasant BEFORE, but the last 8 months have been brutal. Is it a 180 if I'm just trying to go back to being myself? Not sure!
Another 180 is not talking about the relationship. I think he lies like a flipping rug sometimes. New strategy - let it go. Don't call out the lie.
He and I used to brag about our perfect relationship to everyone who would listen. We were such good friends and really loved being with each other. He still tells lots of people that I'm his "miracle wife" (which really makes me feel a little sick, honestly). When I was so sad about the EA he scolded me, "I thought you would be happy for me...I really thought we were better friends than this." He has since said that if he were in my shoes that he couldn't handle all of this, so he does seem to be conflicted on the subject. I feel sometimes like I'm watching him do a puzzle. He's trying desperately to try to get all of these pieces to fit, but he can't do it.
So....at this point I'm hanging in there, hoping the affair will burn itself out. I'm not really eager to get to the LRT....I can't stomach the idea yet, which just means that it's not that time, I guess.
Oh! Another thing I've been working on--and this is tricky with DB.
I have always been a go-with-the-flow type of person. I wouldn't speak up if I *really* wanted to go to a particular restaurant, because it was easier to not rock the boat. In the end, I was still getting to go out to eat, so be grateful for what I have, right? In theory, this is a good way to live life. On the other hand, it sets me up for disappointment IF I LET IT.
So here's the thing - I typically don't let it. Okay. Great.
I can only think of a few times when I've really spoken up for something that I wanted. H and I went to Europe for two weeks for our 10th anniversary. When we had our 15th anniversary, he was proposing another trip to Europe, and I said - "You know...I'd really like to go someplace else." He grumbled and said my idea wasn't really his kind of trip but OKAY. Well, we went, and he loved it, and we've gone every year for the past four years.
So fine....I spoke up for myself and we both had a great time.
Another thing that I don't do is tell the family too much of things that I want to do. We're busy. We have a zillion activities. It's nice to not add ONE MORE THING to the calendar.
But -- it means that I'm wanting to do something and not doing it. One of those things is eating out (haha - I've used that example twice!). So - I've started a list of restaurants that I want to try. I'm going to start checking them off as a part of my GAL. H can come if he wants, but he doesn't have to be a part of this. Still - I have a habit of squashing my own needs to meet the needs of everyone else. Part of that is being a mom, part of that is bending to my husband's busy hobby life....I did stop that a little bit four years ago when I took up marathon running (which required hours of training), but I'm taking that to the next level.
Basically - I'm trying to be done apologizing for liking the things that I like, but also giving those things up. Rather than be a martyr like my mother and suffer, I should just be enjoying things. Hey - my family might enjoy the same things! We just don't know! (Running is a great example though....Both H and D15 have started to run with me.)
I'm not EXPECTING anyone to join me, but I welcome their company if they'd like to come along.
The boundary thing with the A has me totally spinning my wheels however. Never ever allowed any other boyfriend to have something on the side. And I feel like I'm "allowing" this since I can't stop it. That is just totally stuck in my craw. He's TOLD me that I deserve better, and I think so, too! Grrrrrrr.....
As a general rule, I'm great with boundaries! My kids have good boundaries, I worked as a dean at a HS and I could set boundaries with teenagers no problem. It seems like when dealing with an A the advice is to ignore it. So - we set up some very basic boundaries to make the A invisible to me but still....Seriously, it makes my stomach turn.
Break on through to the other side. Break on through to the other side......
Lastly (sorry these are so long, folks), took the dog for his walk last night. Invited anyone who wanted to come along to come along. The WHOLE FAMILY went. It was kind of nice. I basically ignored Mr. Grumpalump (who was grumpy) but the kids and I laughed and laughed. I looked over at one point at Mr. Grumpalump because of something silly that D had said, and he had a little bit of a bewildered, puzzled face on. Dunno what he was thinking. I just know that I was thinking that all things considered, we are super lucky to have our kids. They're great.
I saw Cadet's post that you weren't getting much traffic over here; just wanted you to know I have been following along with interest.
Your H sounds like an interesting specimen! I'd be confused too.
It's quite a ride, isn't it?
Hang on for dear life!
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
