Just a bit of an update in my little corner of the world … (this will be longggggg) ...
I know I should likely be posting in “Piecing,” but – I dunno – I feel better posting here because this is where my friends are … and I'm still dealing with the aftermath of Infidelity nearly every minute of every day.
The good news, my friends, is that y'all were right: time starts to heal wounds. The pain comes fewer times in a day now. And it isn't as intense. And just like HS said, my H has started earning back trust … sometimes little bits (and sometimes large chunks) at a time.
I'm still living one day at a time – and I have absolutely back-slidden a time or two. Or five. But my H, for the most part, has been completely understanding.
I've learned that I have a very difficult time sympathizing with where HE is on this journey. Since he cheated twice during our marriage – about eight years apart – I have pretty much rejected the notion that he can feel guilt or shame for what he's done. My mind thinks: He did it once, and he knew the pain it caused me. And he did it again. So how can he “get” my pain? How can he really be sorry?
I'm TRYING to shake my insecurities and my anger. I vacillate between feeling I'm keeping things bottled up and finally understanding that I'll NEVER be given the answers I need. I've blown a gasket a handful of times, even – I'm ashamed to say – as recently as Saturday. For two months, I have bottled up the fact that H took to a scrap-yard the gift he made/welded for me for our 10th anniversary, just five days before I busted him cheating again. He had welded a frame around a piece of wood that had my phone numbers on it. He had saved that piece of wood, and it had hung in his shop, since we met and he asked for my number. To commemorate our 10th year together, he gave it a more permanent home, framing it with metal and putting it on a stand. It was displayed in my house for a total of five days before I chucked it out my back door when I discovered he was cheating and he refused to end the A. Not only did he take it and dump it in a scrap yard, but he texted a photo of it lying in a pile of metal and sent the photo to OW, writing in a text: “Think I should send this photo to Train and tell her a junkyard dog might be calling her? At least he'll know he'll get 10 years outta her. Lol!!”
I have been seeing RED over that and hadn't said anything to H about it, hoping I could figure out how to deal with my anger over it on my own – knowing nothing H did during that time made any sense … and there's NO WAY he will be able to make it make sense to me now. But I couldn't let it go, and it came out on Saturday, after we concluded another great date night that H planned. (Ouch.)
He gets frustrated that no answers he provides seem to even TOUCH my wounds or satisfy my curiosity.
The fact is: that's more of the same of how we operated before all this happened. And I don't want that. Neither does he. Though sometimes I wish he could peer inside my heart and soul and FEEL what he made me feel, that's impossible. And I don't even know that I want him to know how badly he hurt me. I think, in his current state of mind, it would send him over an edge to know the extent of that pain.
Our M, right now, is better than it's ever been. I've realized that we have NEVER put our relationship first. We are learning each other, and enjoying one another, like never before. As I posted in someone else's thread yesterday, we've enjoyed live music at a nearby whitewater rafting center, drinking beer and watching people ride the waves as the sun was setting. We've gone to a live raggae band, which I secretly thought I wouldn't really enjoy … but I LOVED it! We're planning a zip-line trip and a paddle-board excursion (neither of which H and I would have done before), and as part of a beer tour at the whitewater center, we are planning a moonlit canoe tour, which will take us to a deserted island, where a chef will prepare a meal for us! H loves to plan our dates, and we are both immensely enjoying the variety and adventure of trying and learning new things.
H is listening to me without reacting. Before? He would take my “venting” about the kids personally; he basically thought I was transferring my stress onto him, and he would absorb it and end up stressed, too. Instead, as I've now explained to him, I'm just telling him how my day went; I'm venting to get it off my chest. I'm not asking for help. If I wanted help, I'd ask for it. So now, H meets me outside every afternoon for a cocktail - and no kids - and we talk about how our day went. He calls it our "20-minute afternoon vent session." Lol.
It has made things sooooo much better around here.
I've also realized that I had dipped into a bit of depression before H cheated and left. That DOES NOT mean I excuse what he did to me. But I felt so overwhelmed with the house; I'm a perfectionist, of sorts, about my house. As I've written before, I'm pretty crafty, and most everything in my house is handmade/hand-painted. It looks like it stepped off a Pinterest page. But being a SAHM of two – and homeschooling my son – this house is lived in EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. It's a full-time job just to follow behind D3 and clean up after her. And I got to the point that I felt so overwhelmed with everything … and all that was unfinished by way of my own projects ... that I completely shut down. I barely got off the couch. I went from cooking five dinners a week to nothing. I was depressed and overwhelmed and didn't even realize it. I made every excuse for why – the anniversary of my dad's death, the house was a mess, my son needed my attention for school, etc.
But what I realized when H left is that I can control 90% of the things that overwhelm me. Mad because D16 keeps leaving the gate open and the dog escapes EVERY time? Quit nagging about it, Train, and just check the stupid gate before ya let the dog out. Easy. Upset that the bathroom isn't clean and no amount of nagging the teen girls isn't working? Quitcherbitchin and pick up the freaking Pine Sol, sister. Upset that D3's closet looks like butt? Stop depending on D17 to do it for ya. Get up and organize that closet the way you want it! Simple things. And it keeps me off the couch. It has kept me busy, yes, but it's helping my PMA. My H said: “I had no idea that your unfinished projects made you feel so overwhelmed that you shut down. I just thought you didn't want to do anything!”
We've also established a calendar. H hates yard work. Come to find out, he hates having yard work sprung on him. If we schedule yard/house work on the calendar, he's expecting it, and that is helping him predict it, which makes him hate it not as badly. Plus, I get out and push-mow the parts of the yard he can't reach. Teamwork makes him happy, and the exercise and sunshine make ME happy. Win-win.
Though I battle insecurities every day – I've even decided I'll take the LSAT in December and start law school in the fall of 2015 to make sure I can have a career that will provide for my children in the event H ever cheats and/or leaves again – I'm learning that this time, H and I are doing it right. Curious to go back and read real-live data (if it still existed) that would remind me how H and I handled things last time, I Googled my old DB name and read back through all my posts in 2005/06. I was MORTIFIED, going all the way back to my very first posts, before I even knew H was cheating on me (all I knew is he had left). I cringed as I saw how I took the DB principles and turned them into “doormat principles” once I discovered H had an OW. I even told him I understood and couldn't say anything about it since we were separated! Talk about a lack of self-respect! And I have NO doubts that I lost a lot of respect in my H's eyes by handling things that way.
He told me just the other day: “We NEVER got this far when I came back last time.”
And it's true. I swept everything under the rug. I never showed him my pain. All he saw was my relief to have him back. We didn't work on anything.
To be honest? I can't really say that H and I are “re-discovering” one another and our relationship. I think, actually, we are JUST NOW *discovering* each other and the relationship we never knew we could have.
It's still new. But we've developed many tools that I feel confident will help us not only maintain but improve our marriage from this point forward. H says he now knows exactly how happy we can be together, and he doesn't intend to EVER let us get back to the old way of doing things. We have committed to at least one date-night a week. That's a minimum of what we will do to keep our connection going. We are sleeping together. We are parenting together – he's pitching in with discipline more and backing me up. Though he had started to be wishy-washy about my homeschooling S8 (brought on, in part, by OW), he stands behind it now and supports it wholeheartedly. He is also being extremely supportive of me going back to school. But when I told him the other night that the primary reason I'm going back is to support the kids in the event he left again – and when I told him I would RATHER homeschool our kids right now than go to school myself – he said he would support me no matter what I decided but that I did not have to go back to school out of fear that he would be leaving again.
I've found myself slipping a little on some of the changes I'd made. But here's the good news: I've caught it quickly and pulled myself up and together. I've said “I'm sorry” when I've needed to. I've listened to what my H has said his needs are, and I've woken up every day, deliberately setting out to meet those needs, and I will continue to do that until it becomes a natural part of who I am. I've gone well outside my comfort zone on several things to make my H happy. And I've found that those things make me happy, too. Something unexpected through my H cheating on me (and this could be TMI – my bad): I've learned to like and embrace my body because, as flawed as I think it is, and as insecure as I am about it after carrying four children, my H LOVES every inch of it. And he makes no secret about it. The other day, I attended an all-day work-event with him (which I would never have done before), and he was all smiles the entire time. He told me that night: “We really turned a corner today, Train. I LOVED having you there with me, on my arm. I LOVE showing you off as my wife.” We've decided to build a Rat Rod together, pulling together his passion (building cars) and mine: upcycling/repurposing crap. I know I'm beating this to death, but it's so fundamental: we are bringing fun back to our marriage, and it's making such a huge difference.
I'm not gonna lie: I'm still guarded. A little hesitant and cynical and untrusting, deep-down inside. But I'm doggone happy. Happier in my M, in fact, than I've ever been. And H is, too.
So, yeah, this Train rolls on, y'all …
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Train- It is so great to read how well things are going for you and your H! My WH and I are in the process if reconciling. We are separated but are working on moving him back home. Tonight's our first date night since the OW is finally out of our lives. I want to build on the positive times together since we often dwell on the negative things that have happened. I too went through depression and didn't realize how bad it was. Your post gives me a lot if hope! Thank you for sharing how you are making things work!
Great recap, Train. Thanks for taking the time to post it here for us.
I didn't know your story but it's good to hear things can and do turn around.
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Train, I was so surprised to realize where you were in your journey.
While I was still lurking, before I started posting, I followed your story for a while. This was when you were still talking about defaulting on the house, etc.
I was so amazed to read your recap above that I went back and reread your earlier threads to see how things changed for you. What was the thread after Loot & Lawyers? I want to see the rest of this story unfold.
Thanks so much for sharing, and I'm glad things are so much better for you & your family.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Strangely, there are *some* of my old "pregnant&DBing" posts in 2005/2006 still floating out in cyberspace. I haven't found my posts in Separated or Piecing from back then, but I found the ones in Infidelity. These are old, but they're good for me to put here ... and, if you're really bored and want to go back through them and identify all the ways I went wrong back then (ha!) ... here they are:
I *think* that's it. Hopefully all those links will lead where they're supposed to
Not much to update on here. Things are still moving along, slowly and steadily.
H and I went out July 3rd to watch fireworks, just the two of us. We had a wonderful time and stayed after everyone had left and had a great talk. I, for the most part, am letting him bring up anything that has to do with his time away. And I'm finally at a place where I can listen without growing angry; I listen without lashing out ... or even feeling like it. H says - over and over - "this time is so different." And I've decided to take him at his word.
We did talk a little about how I've tried to change so much in response to some of his pre-A complaints (and some complaints that I can *imagine* he might have had, though he hasn't verbalized them) ... and how he hasn't seemed to change much except for his attitude/outlook and spending more time with me. In fact, since he's been home, I've taken MORE on around the house ... which means he's had to do LESS. BUT, I learned - through our discussion - that the biggest problem is that I have been expecting him to mind-read, when I should have outright said, "Hey, Love: You remember that my love language is acts of service? Would you mind helping me hang clothes sometimes? And how about that pesky curtain rod I need made for the pantry? Think maybe you could find the time to throw that together for me in the next little while?"
All it took was a little conversation, and this weekend, he was hanging up clothes, helping me outside, straightening up, etc., all without me even asking.
And today? He promised he'd work on digging my pond, which is something I've been begging for him to do for at least three years for my birthday.
In the back of my mind, I start to freak out a little, thinking: Maybe he feels like this is mostly stuff I should handle at home since I'm a SAHM, and he's already building resentment against me for asking for his help when he stays so busy working.
I'm trying really hard to do what's mine to do around here ... and to let go of my insecurities. I *still* need to focus on myself and improvements I need to make in MY life. I do not want to ever be completely dependent on him again; I've learned that isn't healthy. At the same time, I don't want to live my life with it in the back of my head that I need to be self-sufficient because he may leave again. It's a delicate dance. But isn't it all?
What's strange is that he tells *me* that he lives every day in fear that *I* will leave *him* now. I think that's insane, considering our history. But I also have to understand that he has fears and insecurities, too.
But the good news is that things seem to be "better" far more than they're "worse" right now.
I still have the "he's gonna eventually do this again" thing permanently standing in my mind. But I guess - after being cheated on twice - that's probably to be expected. I don't know that it'll ever go away completely. But perhaps it'll diminish in time.
My job is to wake up every day and sweep my side of the street. How HE responds to that makes me happy to meet his needs.
So far, so good ...
We took the kids to "A Revolutionary Fourth" in a town about 45 minutes away on July 4th. It was AMAZE-BALLS! Seriously the best fireworks show I've ever seen. It lasted 30 minutes and was set to music, and it followed a mini-reenactment of the Revolutionary War. S8 is a huge history nut, so it was a perfect thing for us to do as a family. And it was seriously crazy cool. H found the place in an online search. I tell ya: he keeps impressing the heck outta me with the plans he makes and the places he finds for us to visit. And I'm pretty sure it's making him very happy that I'm up to taking a chance and trying new things, site-unseen.
We still have plenty of things to stress about, but it feels so much better to share the load ... and to kick back at the end of a week, knowing we did our best (even if we fell short on some things) and FORCE ourselves to take a time-out for a little fun ... and each other.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
So glad to hear that things are progressing for you! I promise that if you keep deliberately meeting each others needs that you will be in a better marriage than you could have ever dreamed of a couple of years from now.
I'm also glad to see that you have become consistent at asking for what you want. Don't worry about your husband's resentment- focus instead on the reality that YOUR resentment isn't being built up. It is your husband's responsibility to argue (not in a bad way) for what he does or does not want to do. Resolving those conflicts together will ultimately bring you closer.
Keep up the good work!!
-HS P.S. In the spirit of "asking for what you want", would you mind stopping by "Meghan"'s thread in the Newcomers forum? I've also asked her to read your thread, I think you could be of some real help to her.
It's always such a pleasure to hear from you, the very first person who came to my rescue when I found myself back here. I honestly credit you, Starsky and Wonka for saving my M. And YOU, kind sir, believed in me and my M from the very first day. I think of you, with a grateful heart, at least once a day.
I will absolutely head over and look for Meghan's thread! Thanks for the heads up!
Big hugs, and I hope you're doing well!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
. Keep up the slow steady progress, and congrats!!