I don't yell, ever. (I have yelled at my mom a couple times, but that was a ridiculous situation...) I can pout and go silent for a loooooooong time, though. That is the very first thing my IC started working on. I am happy to say I haven't done it in almost a year, regardless of the things that have been thrown at me.
And just because she doesn't talk to you doesn't mean she doesn't care or doesn't feel bad. She has zero coping skills and is afraid to express emotions, I'm guessing. That's me, so I go in to my shell to avoid it.
I felt bad because I love my H. Anyone who loves another person doesn't want them to feel lonely, isolated and unloved- they just don't. If you sit her down and tell her what you need to tell her and she cuts you out of her life, then, sir, you are better off----- period!
Now, listen to this: she has a lifetime of reactionary behavior, and she will resort to it when she gets upset. It's habit. She may yell, shut you down and shut you out for a time but if she doesn't snap out of it after a bit and agree to work with you on the M then you saved yourself so e years of your life.
You can't control how she's going to react. However, two people in a M need to be able to talk about issues in the M.
Honestly, you BOTH need C. If she won't go with you, see if she'll go on her own. I'm proud of you for getting to see one for yourself- my H refuses any kind of medical intervention unless it's a surgical procedure he can't perform himself. A lot of men seem to be like that.
I know this is killing you- but if she can't/won't work on your M then you need to take a hard look at what you want.
I'm fighting like he!! For my M (at least I was- I dropped the rope a couple weeks ago. Still would like my M to work out, but his mental state is unhealthy for me.)
The thing is, only you and she knows what your R is like. Do you feel like she loves you and is just being shortsighted and immature?
I had a very cold family. I was never taught how to emote. Honestly, it comes more naturally to some people but for me it's really difficult to allow someone else "in". I have learned to drop the defenses, though. She can learn, too. But she has to want to.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
I don't yell, ever. (I have yelled at my mom a couple times, but that was a ridiculous situation...) I can pout and go silent for a loooooooong time, though. That is the very first thing my IC started working on. I am happy to say I haven't done it in almost a year, regardless of the things that have been thrown at me.
And just because she doesn't talk to you doesn't mean she doesn't care or doesn't feel bad. She has zero coping skills and is afraid to express emotions, I'm guessing. That's me, so I go in to my shell to avoid it.
I felt bad because I love my H. Anyone who loves another person doesn't want them to feel lonely, isolated and unloved- they just don't. If you sit her down and tell her what you need to tell her and she cuts you out of her life, then, sir, you are better off----- period!
Now, listen to this: she has a lifetime of reactionary behavior, and she will resort to it when she gets upset. It's habit. She may yell, shut you down and shut you out for a time but if she doesn't snap out of it after a bit and agree to work with you on the M then you saved yourself so e years of your life.
You can't control how she's going to react. However, two people in a M need to be able to talk about issues in the M.
Honestly, you BOTH need C. If she won't go with you, see if she'll go on her own. I'm proud of you for getting to see one for yourself- my H refuses any kind of medical intervention unless it's a surgical procedure he can't perform himself. A lot of men seem to be like that.
I know this is killing you- but if she can't/won't work on your M then you need to take a hard look at what you want.
I'm fighting like he!! For my M (at least I was- I dropped the rope a couple weeks ago. Still would like my M to work out, but his mental state is unhealthy for me.)
The thing is, only you and she knows what your R is like. Do you feel like she loves you and is just being shortsighted and immature?
I had a very cold family. I was never taught how to emote. Honestly, it comes more naturally to some people but for me it's really difficult to allow someone else "in". I have learned to drop the defenses, though. She can learn, too. But she has to want to.
Yikes. I am terrified now even more than before. I'm afraid you're right, most of all.
Quote:
Do you feel like she loves you and is just being shortsighted and immature?
Exactly. Which doesn't help either one of us.
She loves me. I know she does. Trust me, she'd be able to convince you she loves me, too.
But we can't get past it. I can't have needs, or talk to her about why I'm not ahppy. Which means I have to let her give me the ultimatum it sounds like. She can't really handle marriage because marriage requires BOTH parties to be responsible, especially when it's hard. She shares in all of the glory, none of the pain. Right now I can't get her to even respond to a text if I should come home or not. So I feel like I shouldn't go home. I'm afraid she'll have my bags packed, or already left, who knows. Maybe it's for the best. 8 months, everyone I know is getting divorced. It's crazy.
Fear of the unknown is the worst in this sitch. Go home, unless you think there's a physical danger.
If she's truly like me, she'll want to know you want to be there, even if she doesn't want you there. Know what I mean? Lol ( that's the old me, I'm better at confrontation now).
If she loves you there's a chance at fixing this. You both are going to have to face it head on, though.
You already "know" how she's going to react, so expect the best and prepare for the worst, right? You can do this. Even if it gets heated, when things cool off there's still love in there.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Why can you not just listen to what everyone is telling you and thats just to be patient and give her some time. Youre whining on here everyday about the same thing bro. You sound like one of the clingiest people on here. You doing all this sh!t that youre doing right now like texting asking if you should come home or not, thats f*cking stupid. Stop doing that. Leave her alone about your M right now. If youre just patient it will work out. You already said she loves you and that the only thing wrong is that you feel unwanted. What you need to do is go GAL and show your W what she is missing out on with you. Stop being pathetic and start being a man.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I know better now, thanks to real therapy. You see it as me complaining about sex, in particular because you have less sex than even me. I am a man, and I'm not pathetic. My wife needs to be able to communicate with me and I am trying to figure out how to help that happen.
^^^^^^ you're going to need to set some boundaries. She needs to understand where you're coming from/how serious you are. Again, it really took BD for me to "get it".
Your issues go deeper than lack of sex (no pun intended). Your communication needs to improve before your R can. I'm sure you know this, but you gotta figure out how to get through to her on this.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
^^^^^^ you're going to need to set some boundaries. She needs to understand where you're coming from/how serious you are. Again, it really took BD for me to "get it".
Your issues go deeper than lack of sex (no pun intended). Your communication needs to improve before your R can. I'm sure you know this, but you gotta figure out how to get through to her on this.
I agree.
We talked last night.
She had been crying for 2 hours before I got home. She swears I have depression and has been reading about depression and coping with living with a depressed person. My therapist says I don’t have depression. I’ve been depressed before, and I don’t feel depressed.
I do feel stuck when it comes to my marriage though, and I’m sure my wife sees that. So I talked. I brought everything up and she listened. She doesn’t really want to participate though. Maybe she will. But she doesn’t want to. She’s lost a lot of respect for me without me knowing or doing anything, well before when I first started to notice our physical relationship had vanished.
She says I used to be driven and that’s what she liked. The trick is that’s also when I was spending so much time in the art studio and not with her, before we got engaged. So it’s a catch 22-----she asks me to spend more time with her and move the studio home, but she’s lost respect for me for doing that?
I don’t get it. We still love each other. But she let her feelings for me get so rotten without me knowing and without me doing anything deliberately to deserve that, plus her natural way of thinking is to be judgmental of people, including her friends. But her friends have the luxury of not being judged every single day.
She says she’s been reading, but when I asked her about the book she had (one of mine) she didn’t know anything about it----she had printed a quiz from the back and circled her answers, but it wasn’t a quiz about marriage or divorce or intimacy; it wasn’t even really a quiz, come to think of it. There were two choices for each number----no question, just two choices, such as, “I like when my husband holds my hand” vs “I like when my husband does chores without me asking.” It was ultimately benign. I can’t help wonder how much she might be able to think differently about both me and our marriage if she would listen to an expert, be it a counselor, therapist, or a doctor in a book, even online experts. Anything, really. I walked the dogs late last night alone, needed the exercise.
I know she understands me better now, I just don’t know where we’re going from here. She still seems to think the problems are all just me and I need to “work on myself.” I made her a CD with some fun music on it this morning and asked her to try to think positive about the things I do and the things I’m trying to do, including me going to therapy. I don’t think she sees it as a marriage problem at all----I think she sees me as the problem instead. Most of the time you wouldn’t know it---again, she’s happy. But the same “you don’t know how tired I am” issue came up again. It’s always about being tired. Too tired for me, never too tired for everyone else past 2 AM even. I didn’t say that to her, but only because I’m not sure what to do, really.
Well, I think it's a huge positive step that she sat and listened without blowing up and shutting you out- take the baby step.
As for the rest, a lot of S's say they miss the person the other S used to be. So now you gotta get that back! That's where DB comes in. Maybe you're too available to her? I don't know. Seems like a pursuer/distancer issue. Try to get the old Grey back.
Try to keep the lines of communication open-
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Grey, My thought is that she finally opened up to you and started telling you what was in her heart. This was the perfect opportunity to listen, and validate, to hear FROM HER all of the answers to the questions that you have been asking on here. Instead, you talked, and told her about YOUR suffering and issues. That's why she didn't participate. You steamrolled over her.
Women are attracted to people they admire. If you were to ask her who she admired, what would her answer be? She as much as told you it's not you (it used to be). Is there someone else that she is attracted to now?
I hope you get another opportunity like the one you had last night. Like a poked turtle, she will withdrawel into her shell since it wasn't safe enough for her to get her feelings out. Over time, her head may come back out of the shell. When it does, LISTEN! Don't dominate her back into withdrawel. She's heard all about YOUR issues, isn't it time you heard hers?
