Good start. I would suggest some changes and close it with Starksy's comments about a boundary of not living in an open marriage. I've been searching Oxford's and RedHawk's threads for that particular comment by Starsky and came up empty. I know it is somewhere in the DB forums.
Starsky, if you are around, could you pretty please post that paragraph about your core value and boundary about not being friends if the WAW chooses a D and living in a M with the OM. I think it is now the time for Dev to borrow your line in his response to W.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear WAW,
So, I think we can both say our time has come to an end, rather unceremoniously if I do say for myself. I was shocked, hurt, and betrayed beyond belief by what you have done over the last two months.This is a very weak opening. I would say this is shaming. Also say nothing about being betrayed. How's that helping your stich.
I'm not sure your really thinking straight, because you are caught up in an escape, but that is not my call to make.Moralzing. Not helpful. And who's to judge that W is not "thinking straight?!" I have loved you like no other woman in my life. I have tried to be the best husband I can be. I look fondly on our relationship as a great journey. Unfortunately, for me it has been cut short. The pain of this will last for some time for me. STFU about pain lasting a long time. You want to project yourself as a strong man and that you'll be alright.
Accordingly, I will need to move on to protect myself. Effective immediately, we will need to establish some ground rules for access to children and financial ground rules. What rules? We have been partners in many great adventures for years.
I am saddened that you have chosen to end our marriage without giving it a try.She's tried, and tried. You can simply state that D is not what you want but would not stand in her way.I take solace in the fact that I am confident you will one day regret the hasty decision you have made. We have far too much together to throw it away for a fling. Self-righteous indignation. Drop it. Not attractive.
I have been treated like garbage, and hurt substantially. I understand my errors and wish I could have had a chance to correct them with you and allow our lives to florish. I hope you one day realize what you have lost, as I already do. What happened to the first part about "Wow..thanks for sharing about your struggles...etc. That was a good one! Go back to that and work it in a bit. It shows W that you listened and how you would have done things a bit differently.
Take care WAW. While we will converse regarding the kids, whose lives will be indeterminately affected, my contact with you, for self preservation, will be minimal. No longer able to share the smile of success, the glint of surprise, or the embrace of love with you, I chose to see you as little as possible. It sounds a bit petulant. Be the strong one. I'd suggest that you close this with Starsky's paragraph about not being friends if W chose D. That's a powerful message.
You had all my love forever, but you took it and threw it back at me. I deserve better, and will have better. I'd jettison this. It comes a across as a bit angry.
I'm not a bad person. I deserve someone that loves me for whom I am. I'd end this on a high note. Re-work this a bit more.
I found it from Corbean's thread! Here it goes. I liked the other one where Starsky spoke about his core boundaries. Gotta dig around a bit for that one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
During my sitch, when my wife was still in the throes of her affair, I said the following to her:
"_________, I feel like I need to be clear with you about something. You keep using the word 'friends.' Make no mistake -- if you choose to end our marriage this way, by having an affair and lying to everyone about it including your own parents and our adult children . . . then I have absolutely zero intentions of being 'friends' with you. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other, I'm sorry. However, if you choose to end your affair and come back and work on our marriage with me . . . and if after a period of time (say, 6-12 months) you feel like this cannot be fixed, and you've given it your best shot? Then yes, I could see us ending up not only co-parents but probably pretty good friends, as we've always had so much in common. I mean it would take a little while for me to get there, but I could see it. But NOT like this . . . not what you're doing now, to me and to the family."
She told me two months later, when we reconciled, that the LOSS OF OUR FRIENDSHIP was the single biggest factor she decided to end her affair and come back and try to work on the marriage with me.
There is nothing wrong with lovingly stating your non-negotiable boundaries.
I'm so sorry, that letter was one I posted from January that I didn't send. I was trying to show how much I had improved. I was worried that might happen. The draft I wanted to send was actually a few posts back before that. Sorry about the confusion. I shouldn't have posted two letters at the same time.
Here is my modified draft. I think I clearly need to take some things out. Yes, I'm trying to shake her up. It is how I feel, however, I'm not sure what everyone thinks? Edit and 2x4 away
Thank you so much for your enlightening email last week. It has given me an appreciation for how you feel, and how overwhelming it must have been to run our household and fulfill your roles as a mother and wife, and feel like you had very little support. I can truly see how you lost your identity, and took on new roles. I am disappointed that you feel that you are incapable of meeting expectations of my family. I can imagine you have thought long and hard about what has happened with us.
I have done much reflection and thought over the last few months as well. I have been afforded the opportunity to develop fantastic relationships with each of the kids, and I have learned a lot about myself, and how I communicate. It is disappointing we were unable to attempt to work on these issues together. I am aware of the responsibility that I have had with respect to our marriage breakdown, and I accept my role wholeheartedly.
As you are still involved with OM, I have made the decision that I will not be your friend moving forward. While this is terrifying for myself as well, I chose not to surround myself with people that have hurt me. Back in January and February, I explained what my boundaries with respect to the OM were. If our M ended due to you choosing not to work on it and continue to see the OM, I told you I would not be able to continue to be your friend. Unfortunately the choice you made and have maintained was to keep your relationship with OM going.
While D is not what I would like at this time, I will not stand in your way as you chose this path. We will continue to have a relationship with respect to the children that is civil, but I would like to cease all other communication.
You have been an important part of my life for 20 years, but I will survive and move on. You are correct, I will be fine, and meet a partner that is deserving of the type of love, commitment, loyalty and support that I am capable of providing.
While it pains me that this is not a new R with you, I can say confidently that I tried and made an effort, and I will sleep well with the knowledge that I gave it my all. Best of luck in your future.
Here's some changes and edits. This makes it more to the point and clearly spells out consequences for W.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear WAW,
Thank you for sharing your perspective and feelings with me. I appreciate your openness and your honesty.
I agree with you that the last few months and years have been a bit of a blur. I truly appreciate your comments with respect to me as a father. It means a lot to me to know that you feel that way, and I value knowing that you think and believe that truly.
First of all, I want to say here that I think you are a great mother to our kids. You have fully immersed yourself in their upbringing, and doted on them and taken care of our children incredibly. You made sacrifices all the time to put the children first, and myself first, and the way the children look to you is obvious. To watch you hold each of our children and see the love and care you provided and continue to provide is truly exceptional.
When you shared how you felt about your parents and your upbringing in regards to rearing the children, it made a lot of sense to me how our roles were delineated during the kids early years. How did that make you feel? I can only imagine how difficult it was for you.
Did you feel like I didn't support you enough or back you up with respect to raising our children? I would like to understand your thoughts on this better. If you would please give me some examples, that would be great so I am more self-aware of your needs in this regard. I think we have both done a great job with the kids.
I want to be clear on some things. One is that I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way should you choose to continue on this path. Two, I am not willing live in an open marriage with a third party.
We will not be friends should you decide to proceed with a D. Make no mistake -- if you choose to end our marriage this way, by continuing your affair with OM. It is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and our family. We will co-parent our children, and I will of course be civil and courteous, but this isn't how 'friends' treat each other.
Going forward starting now, as long as you are involved in an affair with the OM, our communication only be focused on the logistics of the children's schedules, their issues, and exchanges.
We have some decisions to make here. When you’re ready, please let me know your thoughts.
Sincerely,
Devaste
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Watch for the possibility that W will get very angry and try to draw you back in or spewing a litany of your faults, wrongs, flaws, mistakes, etc.
Stand strong! She's in an active affair and breaking up the family.
I love it. It recognizes several of the issues she had raised, and then gives me a voice as well. Thanks again. And sorry about the extra letter I posted and the confusion. Now, send it while she is with OM, or after we swap kids today. I'm tempted to send it now.
Perfect letter, Wonka. Hits all the right notes, and covers all the important issues without beating them to death.
And yeah, Dev -- be prepared and put on that spew raincoat. If necessary, just repeat back the same (or nearly the same) thing each time: "I'm sorry you feel that way; everything I'm doing, I'm doing the best I can under difficult circumstances to try to protect myself and our family." If she gets downright rude, or profane or disrespectful, and the conversation calmly by saying "When you're ready to calm down, I will listen, but I will not be talked to that way."
. The offer stands if your out here ever of course.