I am new to this but here is my story in a nutshell. I got the BD in early March - "I'm just empty - i think we should separate". All the while he was visibly upset - of course shock set in - searching for whys when non were given - totally thought it was major depression (runs in his family) - he even admitted it. Told him not to leave until kids were out of school - then the madness started - he was like a stranger - no conversation - total withdrawal - no eye contact for weeks - living with a complete stranger - that's when i started looking for answers - seems like MLC to me with comments like I'm tired of worrying about everyone else, the kids will be fine, nobody has died yet (when his mom told him his dad was sick with grief over it) Fast forward -this is where i am now - he has moved out -1 week now- we have 3 children - he came to the house to mow today - said he would be back at the end of the week b/c son wants a cookout next weekend. He then said he would cook some ribs and meat for the cookout - I didn't invite him - i don't expect him to be here. There have been so many what the h@@@ moments like that i can't write them all. When asked if he would want the kids to stay with him sometimes he said - "Honey - we lead busy lives - wherever they land, they land". Am i dealing with crazy, should I take encouragement from him still coming to the house and still wearing his wedding ring or is he so messed up he doesn't even kinow what he's doing because that's what it seems like most of the time. I am pretty sure there is someone else - not sure if just EA or PA yet. How do I handle it from here because i find myself being very short and just not wanting to be around him though I still want to save my marriage.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Sorry you're here. It's a heck of a roller coaster, that's for sure. Right now if you can't keep it together (impossible!) having some space might be a good idea. It's really hard to listen and validate when they're talking crazy.
"Where they land, they land."? Wow. That must have been tough to hear.
Listen to NOTHING HE SAYS. He's going to say even more crazy talk before this is all over.
Do Cadet's homework, find a way to take care of yourself and your children. Detaching is really hard at first, and is still hard later on. Right now distraction is your friend, as well as the folks on this board.
If you need to vent, do it here, not in front of your husband, or to him, either in text/phone/email/in person.
Try and keep your cool, do what you can to rest, eat, and feel centered as much as you can. Lean on friends and family (without disclosing too much) if you can. Now's the time to treat yourself and your kids---go out for ice cream, eat pizza at midnight--stay up late. Whatever will help you feel connected to them and less out of control
Find things you enjoy doing and do them.
Again, I'm so sorry for your troubles. It's such a hard thing to deal with.
How are the kids taking it so far?
Hang in there,
---GG
PS: Your name is aptly chosen!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Thanks for the replies. The kids seem to be okay but I know they are probably still in some form of shock phase. Yes - the crazy things he says continues. He has acted more depressed than ever when I see him - he keeps making excuses to come to the house for the kids - just pops up during the day - wanting to take them to dinner and stuff- I have told him multiple times to plan ahead. He texted yesterday and was the nicest he has EVER been - just saying things like - I don't mean to bother you - sorry for the confusion - and at one time he wrote - I can't remember much (talking about taking the girls out knowing they had other plans). I didn't respond to that comment - just kept it very objective. Detaching is so much easier without him in the house. I think he still feels like he can come and go but I have met him outside when exchanging the kids without asking him in. It just doesn't feel right. I know my feelings fluctuate too but it's just not his home anymore to me. There is a degree of freedom without him there. Our finances are getting split as I have my own account and credit card now. I rely heavily on my family and friends but I do sometimes fear i tell them too much. The other night he texted me and told me to drive his truck to work so he could take my car and have tires put on - i said no thanks - i can take care of that. I mean what is that line of thinking??? I have read all the links above - bought the DB book, Jim Conway book and everything else i can lay my hands on. He is visibly depressed but I know I am still in early replay given the time frame of the BD and i am already exhausted. He did start keeping a journal before he left and i took that as a good sign that perhaps he started some introspection but who really knows. I just don't know how to respond when he wants to still do things around the house - part of me thinks I should let him to keep coming around but I don't want to feel like a doormat and the other part wants him to feel the result of his leaving. Thank you for your support - I never dreamed I would ever be in thsi situation as none of us do. I have started really focusing on me and that is hard and a long process but I know everything happens for a reason and I have a strong faith in God to get me through this according to his will. I am just walking my own path for now.
Hi tuff, So sorry you're going through this but you are in the right place. Some more detail would be helpful...how long have you been married? How old are the kids? Any major changes in H's life recently? Was this totally out of the blue or were there signs leading up to B-day? What are his major complaints (if any) about the marriage or you?
Get used to the "What the h%*l" moments. There will be many to come. The "the kids will land where they land", wow, tuff one there. Do the homework from Cadet, really does help. Oh, and yes, you ARE dealing with "crazy".
I'm sorry you find yourself here. This board is a wealth of support and encouragement.
In regards to your h coming over and wearing his ring, I will be blunt. I wouldn't read too much into anything at this point. The reality is that it will get better and is probably a bit less stressful without him being there. I would also skip any questions unless it has to do with logistics.
You are correct. There is a good chance there is someone else and I wouldn't worry too much about her. She has her own issues.
Read all that you can and come her to vent. Protect yourself and the kids and detach. Leave your h alone:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
sorry to read of your sit. It/the bomb was shocking for me as well (for (3 months ago, not 4 as I wrote ... seemed longer
It funny how we all have similar feelings. Like you I was shocked & devastated. Found this site and am reading the posts suggested by Cadet as well as resources. learning that I was not to blame. I am still on roller coaster - with unpredictable crying spells, but I do feel the sense of community. You will too - visit often, we are all with you.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Thank you for your support. Some days are easier than others-I know he's coming over today and I have a lot of anxiety about that. I just think it's easier In a lot of ways to not even see him.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GoatGal - I am still around. I am having a hard time with him and the kids. I have asked to pre-plan when he wants them but as most things - there is no comprehension or follow through with that. He will just text and say he is getting them for dinner. He used to be somewhat nice and "ask" but last time he told me what he was going to do and i said - no - we had plans with other family members then (<48 hrs. notice) and suggested another night. I could tell by the language of his text he was angry - oh well. IMO he is in the state of going between depression and anger (though i know they are interwoven). I think perhaps he senses a little loss of control hence the stating vs. asking. I told him that our youngest D was going out with a friend this w/e -- just a as a courtesy and he replied - I will think about that - it wasn't a question - it was a statement. I didn't respond. He seems to get mad when he doesn't know what his kids plans are - I'm sorry but once you're gone some things go with that in my opinion. I am trying really hard to detach but i find myself just ignoring - he tried to make some conversation the other night - just objective things - when i picked up my D but I just couldn't stand it so i rushed around to get away ASAP. I guess that is just my coping mechanism right now. He took them out for ice cream last night and i was on the porch when he came back - i wasn't there when he picked them up - i was out having a great time with some girlfriends - a nice dinner - anyway- i was still dressed well - he didn't say anything but looked and waved - it is all so strange. (my mom was there too though and that is rough to say the least - she is full of anger) I find myself angrier these days and just wanting nothing to do with him. He stays away when my mom is there - otherwise it seems he makes excuses to stop by the house.
Matt- -I thought i answered your questions earlier but perhaps not - he never gave me any reason - even when i asked for some reason our 18 year marriage is coming to an end he just looked at me. Prior to BD he did say that the stress in the house was too much and that he can't take it when i yell at the kids - ok - there are 3 of them and I do that sometimes - or did - i have worked on myself since Feb. and managed to control that A LOT. He has had life stresses - his job is very stressful and he didn't get a promotion he wanted, got a new boss who he said is a "micro-manager" and was talking about wanting to get away from him a while ago, he had minor surgery in the fall (when they were giving him anesthesia he fought it and said he didn't like feeling vulnerable - I think it will take him a while to get out of the tunnel - this is a man with a lot of issues to work through), and then i had to put the family dog to sleep in Feb. HE never showed emotion toward that dog but apparently it affected him as he mentioned to me afterwards that he didn't know how i did it - he couldn't have done that. Anyway - any pointers for detachment would be great - i am trying to meditate, reading inspirational things, reading my bible, talking to old friends, going out more - basically working on GAL which i realize I have ignored my inner self for a while - too busy being career woman and mother - i know i slacked on the wife side - figuring that could come last and here I am. I am starting to question why I would even want him back though. Does everyone go through this????
Blessings and prayers to all to get through this ourselves and be better, stronger.
advice please - yesterday was my birthday and I took my kids out of town for a few days. he texted in the morning to say happy birthday and some generic conversation about the hotel - very short. Then I saw he signed the card from the kids - and he bought the gift cards - then he asked my son if i liked the card. Generic I know and I am reading too much into it I am sure. I find myself grasping for any signs of hope again - I hate it when i do that. He texted early this am about something very generic - had a few lined back and forth and that was it. That is the first time he has texted anything other than something to do with the kids. Does it mean anything or am I just in a weak moment again??
No expectations tuff. if you haven't read the sandi's rules in the newcomers section, go check that out. This takes years, educate yourself and read everything you can. Keep posting, sometimes there are slow responses but it's still a good place to journal and that is important to vent your feelings. take care
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Thanks everyone. Just a little update - I feel the tide turning just a little bit - not sure why - don't care really. And I am talking about myself - not him. I think I am really starting to make movement forward. After my birthday I definitely fell back a few steps - i mean bad - sobbing and crap all over again. Then - i just feel different. I have decided that life is too short and I am worth more than that to go on that way. I am really starting to act as if. I have had a fabulous time lately going out for dinner parties with old friends, yoga, making new friends at work, making plans for a girls weekend and a trip to the NE in the fall. I am starting to feel alive again. I have the best time with my kids that I often stay up way too late just to be with them. At first I took it so personally when he wanted the kids - now I just want to know ahead of time so I can make plans myself. I still have moments of tearing up when I hear a certain song or something. He still seems horribly depressed and unable to think clearly - like when I mention something it seems it takes him a moment for it to sink in. He texted something yesterday about being so stressed out right now. I just ignored it. I am trying to be polite and friendly but sometimes I just can't - like with that statement - really??? I have been beyond stressed out for months. He still seems like such a stranger to me. He still wears his ring as do I - he came to the house and mowed today. He gets angry if he doesn't know everything that is going on with the kids but he doesn't say anything to me just says stuff to my D like - "that's the first I heard of that". Sorry - that's what happens when you no longer live in the house or communicate like a grown up. Then it's like he wants my approval for things - he asked my son if I got the bday card and did i like it - he asked my D if I liked the shoes he bought her and then said good. He looks really bad - he is so skinny and I know he is walking every night. He sent me a picture from the walking trail the other night - out of the blue - strange. They just say things that have no meaning - he told me he was going somewhere with his mom and sister - ok - don't care. Anyway - bottom line is I still go back and forth about saving my marriage and just being done with it all. I keep thinking that if done properly this may be the start to the best phase of my life while it is the start to the worst of his. At times I feel really sad about it and then mad and then just nothing. It would be so much easier if we didn't know they struggle themselves.
I got your message on my post and just read up on yours. You are right, we do have a bit of a similiar sitch. I am not sure I am good with advice, but I can tell you what helped me in the last year. Here is my say based on my own mistakes I have made and learned from in this wonderful roller coaster of a situation:
Don't assume there is someone else or treat him as if there is someone else unless you know for a fact. Don't snoop, it can lead to false assumptions and anxiety. The truth always comes out.
Sounds like you are looking at yourself, which is great. I took the spotlight off H and put it on me and wow, did I see some needed changes. I still do things that annoy myself, but I am catching them and working on them. It's hard, oh so hard, to change direction of that spotlight, but it really helps.
I strive to be the me I really like. The me before the stress of marriage, kids, work responsibilities.... I want to look at myself and think, I would like to hang out with her. Try being that person any man would be attracted to. Upbeat, funny, mysterious and loving. I have gotten the best vibe and feedback from my H since I started being that girl again.
It looks like you are new in this, so I know it takes time to get your bearings. I totally spun out of control for a good 3 to 4 months after BD. It's been a year for me and I am just getting my feet more steady. Be patient with your self, allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, just work on the reactions. Focus on your kiddies and let them know they are safe and secure with you. I also wasn't sure if I really wanted to stand or not. Give yourself some time for the dust to settle, then you will know.
Take care of yourself and keep us posted. It really helps to vent on here!
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh - thank you for the advice. I will admit I was driving myself crazy with the snooping before he actually left the house - I still find myself checking phone and credit card and it drives me nuts. I don't have any hard evidence and the calls and texts seem to be few and far between from what i had expected before - but like everyone says - you can't change it so just let it go - that is what I am working on. I haven't posted for a while - I try to get on with my life and then I go through times when I just get obsessed over it again. Like tonight when he has the kids out and I am home alone - I try to stay busy but sometimes it is just overwhelming. I am a strong person but this is so hard. I really don't think he knows what he wants other than to get away. He has talked to the kids about buying a house several times but hasn't made any moves in that direction that I am aware of - he is currently at his parents rental home. He has never used the term divorce just that we should "go our separate ways". He seems to seek validation from me on trivial things like what time to take the kids to dinner since school has started. He is like a scared little boy when I see him -so depressed and flat - there isn't really any adult conversation at all other than plans for the kids and his communication with them seems so juvenile (the texts that I see). I am still new to this but it feels like an eternity - I guess I will just focus on day to day - i get myself in trouble with trying to decide what direction to go at the moment. I am a religious person and I try so hard to let go and let God but my human side always intervenes.
Tuff- I totally get what you are saying about the snooping. I drove myself crazy too. I was desperately looking for a reason why this was happening! I checked the phone records, snuck into his wallet at night to get his cc numbers to check those. Then would make up stories on how I found out where he was. It was horrible and so out of character for me. I have never had a reason not to trust H before and I didn't like how I was acting at all, that is why I moved out of the house instead of H. I felt like I was so spinning out of control and causing more damage than good. And a year later I have never found proof of OW.
You mentioned your H seeming lost and confused. I think that is exactly what he is feeling. It seems to me that he needs his time and space to figure things out. Do his eyes look cold and distant? Is he forgetful and scattered? I think they really do just lose their way. But your H also sounds like he wants this time, but not willing to let you go at the same time. I figure that is a good thing, right? My H was the same. I guess I just think back to when I was emotionally withdrawn. My H backed off and let me be, and sure enough I came back. You said you went through that too? Take this time to think about what YOU want in life. What makes you happy. What hobbies you enjoy. Don't try to make any decision right now, it's way too soon. My therapist told me, accept uncertainty. You don't know what will happen, you can't control any of it, you can only control your own actions.
I know obsession, believe me. OCD runs in my family and this brought it out. My C prescribed me a mild anti depressant to help me sleep. Have you been sleeping? Lack of sleep makes everything that much more overwhelming and sets off my anxiety. Are you seeing a therapist? That has also helped me tons!
Hang in there. You are doing good and you have come to the right place. The advice here is good. Just take day by day. The big picture is too much to look at right now. Keep reading about MLC and other self help books. Take care of yourself. Watch funny movies and spend time with supportive friends.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh - thanks again for the helpful advice. I hope I am starting to calm down somewhat from the spinning - I still swing from one thought process - just be done with it - to another - stand for however long it takes. But I am hoping that the distance between the two gets smaller and I eventually am settled with myself. Strange how we really do mirror what I have read about their journey too - I think we just are able to cope with it as we realize what it is. I have been in a better place for the past few days -i have actually seen him a little more too - but my anxiety with him around has subsided - for now. I have determined to try and let go of the anger and just treat him as a friend - unbelievably hard but I am trying. It seems to make him a little more comfortable too - he hangs around for just a few moments longer - no real reason - just lingering - the little boy lost thing again. He is outwardly depressed around me - I saw some when we were in the same house but now all I see is the depression - it hurts me to see him that way but I realize I can't help him - so I just leave it alone. I have seen an IC but it has been a while - she didn't understand the MLC stuff so I stopped going but now I think I will go and just work on finding my happiness/joy in life. That's really what it is all about anyway - right? Being the best we can be without any expectations from them and hope they become the best they can be in the end and you find one another again? This is extremely hard and I would never wish it on anyone but if it helps my H take a look within himself and let his true self out (because I believe it to be amazing) it would all be worth it. I know I have work on myself to do - no doubt - and I plan on coming out far ahead - this pushes you to really look inside yourself and make those changes just in order to live. I have always thought my H put on a "tough front" and felt he had to with his background - he never wanted to show his emotions - thought it was a weakness. I only hope that he will find peace within his true self and feel comfortable in his own skin when this is over.
Tuff it is funny how a lot of IC's don't know about MLC, or they know the typical thoughts about it "red sports car, young blonde girlfriend and a new condo" which does happen but that's just scratching the surface. I hope one day more counselors learn about it - I suppose they will if it happens to them. It's a good idea to go to one anyway to help with your own peace. You could visit with a different one to see if you have a better connection. You're right it is extremely hard and I've said that myself, I would wish this on no one. You are doing well by acknowledging that you will work on yourself - this is definitely a learning experience for all. Take care of yourself!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Just updating and keeping my mind clear. Nothing really to report other than this week was my D's bday He texted that afternoon asking if I had plans - seriously - I should just get used to that - I think he does that at times to push my buttons just because I have asked to plan ahead before. Anyway - of course i said yes - planning to take them out. He then replied he wanted to take her for ice cream or something later - i took a few hours before responding I didn't want her out that late on a school night but he was welcome to meet us at the restaurant i was taking them to. Of course he replied no - he was tired and would just stay in. Not surprised - actually hoped he wouldn't go but I am trying to be the bigger person. It is especially taxing now though since the kids want to spend the w/es with him - they say they are with me all week - I tried to explain that the week is like work with school and I don't get to do "fun things" with them then. I don't know the best approach to this since the 2 older ones can make up their own minds. I wish they could see how sorry he is - not paying for anything - I finally told my oldest S (15) this morning that this wasn't my idea (the separation) and I did all I knew to do to try and keep it from happening since one of his remarks to me about time on the weekend was - "you should have thought about that". I almost lost it. I am trying to control my anger but am praying it all plays out in time and they see him for what he really is - he is using them for his own guilt and loneliness - UGH!!!!!!!! Makes me want to go ahead, file and get some order into my life.
Just feeling a little down today - not sure why but thought if I get it out it will get better - ha. I am working so hard on detaching and just when i think i have it - i fall back - anyone have any good advice on how to really detach???? It's going on 6+ months now. Is the random texting thing part of the pursuit game? just checking to see if I am still out there somewhere? It will be interesting in the next few days as I have made plans with friends of mine and he will be out of town as well so no opportunity to see each other for a few days - he picks the kids up every morning - this will be weird to not see him for days but maybe it will be a good thing for me. I still think he is subconsciously using the kids just to hang around the house and/or ease his guilt and/or keep him from being alone to ponder what the hell he is doing. I really don't know how people hold on for years.
Nothing much to add - just updating. I had my girls time out and had a great time. Always somewhat depressing as they are all married and of course that just comes into the conversation making me really miss companionship but I am adjusting to that. I saw him very briefly Saturday when exchanging the kids and again Sunday when he came to mow the yard and yday morning when he picked the kids up - yday he was very arrogant and smug almost - today back to somewhere in between depression and smug. No conversation of any kind. In the meantime, i am working on myself again - i think i slide back with the responsibilities of the kids and school and activities and all. I am hoping to decrease my own cycling and get to somewhere in the middle where i can feel comfortable and confident with my actions moving forward. The end of this month will be our 19th anniversary - I always wanted to take a big trip for our 20th - I may just have to go on one alone this time next year. Still adjusting to sharing the kids with him but we had a great time last night just us (kids and me). I have to focus on the quality of our time together not just the quantity. I am making slow progress in decreasing the "fixing" and co-dependent part of it. He has mail at the house but i am not giving it to him unless he asks. I know the weather is getting cooler and he didn't take any jackets or sweatshirts when he left -they are still at the house - I thought about bagging them up and giving them to him but I am not going to say a word about it. I still feel like he is cake eating to a degree but i try to not give him the satisfaction of allowing him to still do small things - that is the hard part because I don't know if I should let him do some things or just say no to it all.
Hi Tuff. Checking in to see how you are? As far as detaching, in my opinion, it's the hardest battle in all this. Be patient with yourself. I can't tell you how many times I have fallen off that wagon. I just read something, that no matter how hard you try to let go, it won't happen unless you really want to. Well, of course we don't want to, we wouldn't be here if we did. So this must be why it's so hard. It goes against what we feel in our heart.
Be good to yourself and hang in there.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I haven't been here in a while - I still lurk and read other posts but not much to report from me. He did finally ask for some winter clothes - I pulled them out in trash bags and gave them to him - I think he was a bit shocked by that but never commented. Our anniversary came and went and nobody acknowledged anything. He has made his way further into the house - other than the front door - a few times which irritates me but I don't let it show. I am certain he has been talking to attorneys though I haven't heard a word. He doesn't ever talk. Small texts about kid schedules and that is it. So frustrating that this is my life. I thought he took his ring off on our anniversary so I in turn took mine off. That afternoon I noticed his was on - maybe I looked wrong? I don't know - i know i reacted hastily and that was a really hard day for me but maybe it was just something to prepare me for the future. I have put mine back on - I don't want him to think that I am ok with a D. It is so hard to not talk about anything. I have been stagnant for a while and I MUST do something about that - it is driving me nuts and I am sure responsible for my depressed mood of late. Detach, detach, detach - I wish there was a pill for that.
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed lately. Do you think it may be worth visiting your doc?
I went back to refresh my mind of your sitch....I couldn't find the details whether you're S and how old your kids are.
Have you been kind to yourself lately? Take some special "tuff-time"? I know it's difficult with kids and their schedules, but, I think it may do your PMA some good to find more GAL stuff.
Did you happen to see Eric's the star inside of you thread? If not, please check it out. It helps to keep many things in perspective. It helped me, anyway.
Shining - thank you for stopping by. I'm not sure what you meant by "Eric's the star"? My kids are 15, 12, and 6 and are the joy of my life. My H moved out in June. He is one of the very quiet types - avoiding any conversation of any kind. Drives me nuts. I am much better today and just hope and pray that the low times won't get as low as before. I am just tired of this roller coaster - I never thought I would still be in this situation 6 months ago. I wax and wane about standing for my marriage or just moving on a different path. I know I can only focus on me and my growth and my kids. I am trying to do that and just let it go and let God. There is absolutely nothing I can do for my H at this time and I don't think he has even started to figure himself out - he is too busy running from it all and looking for relief elsewhere. I need to find peace within myself and that needs to be enough for me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lol....it didn't even occur to me to add the link here.... duh.
I'm learning so much, even UNRELATED to MLC from the some of the best people
Tuff,
It's so difficult when we can't communicate with H. I miss him so much. We leaned on each other for everything. Now he has gone dark. I get what you mean.
I'm finding myself in a similar position now. I had a lot of contact with H over the past 6 months since S when I moved out. I'm grateful for the opportunity to show my changes, but I doubt he had had any growth yet. Now that our house is sold, he has his apartment....I think he is just now starting to figure out what he wants. I've heard from him less than ever this past weekend, almost none...it succcks.
It's not at all like the S I've heard other non-MLC couples go thru. The confusion, push-pull, I want you, I don't....it seems endless.
I'm trying so hard to shift focus. It's not easy, because is know what I want, and I can't have that. I'm also seeing areas now, that I'm not ready....even if H were to suddenly want to R. I'm not where I want to be yet to make is successful. I will need to be stronger and kinder to myself, and keep my boundaries, or it will end up repeating the old R. And illness here again. I ain't doing this again.
Hang in there, tuff. Eric's post is something I read many times.
Job and Shining - Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I needed that desperately today. I know I am paralyzed by fear - especially early on - so crippling. Getting to the bottom of that is the hard stuff- I am trying. Thank you for reminding me and encouraging me to get the focus off of him. So many things ring true in Eric's post. Shining - my H has really decreased his already minimal conversation with me too. I know I am so early in I can't even imagine r. I also know that I am just beginning my journey and at times I get excited about finding out who I really am and where I have been all these years. I sometimes get jealous over other posters who get the touch n goes because I get nothing but I also don't get the nastiness so that is a fair trade I guess. I try to be pleasant and engage in small talk around the kids so they don't feel such a strain but it is hard when it is 1 sided. I am definitely nowhere near completing my inner work - if we ever truly are. I know it takes a long time as it is proving to be - initially I couldn't even see 7 months out but here I am and I feel like I have just started really implementing tangible changes in myself. I can't even remember what it was like really before the BD. I know it is something that I don't want to return to - we were basically 2 people living under 1 roof but living separate lives - he had been detaching for at least a year. Thanks for giving me some uplifting reading for the day -I hope your day goes well!!!
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duh.