You are going to need to approach your email response from a different angle given what you've said about W's recent movements and statements.
I think it is time to really lay out the "we're not going to be friends after D although you'll be civil" speech to W. Time for you to shake things up in W's mind.
Get on the draft and re-work it fast. I think it needs to be send out to W by tomorrow.
Just out with with my kids. Will rework when I get home. W has been texting questions about our activities today. She is with OM. Don't really want to respond. Not sure if I should ignore, be upbeat and pretend nothing is bothering me, or just send a one word minimal answer. Thoughts?
This is not an emergency. I think you can summarize the activities after you get back later tonight in your response to W. You're busy with the kiddos!
Here is my modified draft. I think I clearly need to take some things out. Yes, I'm trying to shake her up. It is how I feel, however, I'm not sure what everyone thinks? Edit and 2x4 away
Thank you so much for your enlightening email last week. It has given me an appreciation for how you feel, and how overwhelming it must have been to run our household and fulfill your roles as a mother and wife, and feel like you had very little support. I can truly see how you lost your identity, and took on new roles. I am disappointed that you feel that you are incapable of meeting expectations of my family. I can imagine you have thought long and hard about what has happened with us.
I have done much reflection and thought over the last few months as well. I have been afforded the opportunity to develop fantastic relationships with each of the kids, and I have learned a lot about myself, and how I communicate. It is disappointing we were unable to attempt to work on these issues together. I am aware of the responsibility that I have had with respect to our marriage breakdown, and I accept my role wholeheartedly.
As you are still involved with OM, I have made the decision that I will not be your friend moving forward. While this is terrifying for myself as well, I chose not to surround myself with people that have hurt me. Back in January and February, I explained what my boundaries with respect to the OM were. If our M ended due to you choosing not to work on it and continue to see the OM, I told you I would not be able to continue to be your friend. Unfortunately the choice you made and have maintained was to keep your relationship with OM going.
While D is not what I would like at this time, I will not stand in your way as you chose this path. We will continue to have a relationship with respect to the children that is civil, but I would like to cease all other communication.
You have been an important part of my life for 20 years, but I will survive and move on. You are correct, I will be fine, and meet a partner that is deserving of the type of love, commitment, loyalty and support that I am capable of providing.
While it pains me that this is not a new R with you, I can say confidently that I tried and made an effort, and I will sleep well with the knowledge that I gave it my all. Best of luck in your future.
Dev, as you well know, this cannot be a tactic trying to "shake her up". You have to be there.
Having followed your situation from the beginning, you may well be, and honestly, she seems very far gone. She sounds very uncomfortable in her own skin, let alone prepared for the demands of a family. She has much work to do over much time.
Your letter sounds so final, and yet so healthy for you.
The only thing that I would change is where you say "I will not be your friend"; change the "will" to "can". It's not that it's your choice not to, it's just that it's not possible.
I'm no expert but I think the email sounds really good, assuming you are truly at the end of the line as the email indicates.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Thanks for the feedback. The trouble for me is obviously a D is not what I want. I don't want to force anything, and I can be more patient. However, she is going to meet with a lawyer, whom she told the M is over anyways. I know don't listen to a WAW, but I know she has to think that at this time anyways to justify what she is doing.
Zew, I like the suggestion and will implement that for sure. Your right, this will not shake her up. Just probably reinforce for her.
mdu, thanks for your words, you've made me wonder if it is too hard? I'm confused about everything except the fact that the D is bit what I want. I know I still love my W, I know based on how I feel when I see her.
That is poor detachment on my part completely. I like the box analogy of sticking my heart in it and putting it on the top shelf of the closet for now.
This is a letter that I wrote when I was furious in January. I didn't send it then. Probably a good thing. I like to think I've evolved. It was full of judgement and threats.
So, I think we can both say our time has come to an end, rather unceremoniously if I do say for myself. I was shocked, hurt, and betrayed beyond belief by what you have done over the last two months.
I'm not sure your really thinking straight, because you are caught up in an escape, but that is not my call to make. I have loved you like no other woman in my life. I have tried to be the best husband I can be. I look fondly on our relationship as a great journey. Unfortunately, for me it has been cut short. The pain of this will last for some time for me.
Accordingly, I will need to move on to protect myself. Effective immediately, we will need to establish some ground rules for access to children and financial ground rules. We have been partners in many great adventures for years.
I am saddened that you have chosen to end our marriage without giving it a try. I take solace in the fact that I am confident you will one day regret the hasty decision you have made. We have far too much together to throw it away for a fling.
I have been treated like garbage, and hurt substantially. I understand my errors and wish I could have had a chance to correct them with you and allow our lives to florish. I hope you one day realize what you have lost, as I already do.
Take care WAW. While we will converse regarding the kids, whose lives will be indeterminately affected, my contact with you, for self preservation, will be minimal. No longer able to share the smile of success, the glint of surprise, or the embrace of love with you, I chose to see you as little as possible.
You had all my love forever, but you took it and threw it back at me. I deserve better, and will have better.
I'm not a bad person. I deserve someone that loves me for whom I am.
All the best for your future,
Dev
Looking at this I like to think I see changes. Hopefully she does
Maybe if you want to soften it just a tad change this statement very, very slightly:
"I chose not to surround myself with people that have hurt me"
to
"I chose not to surround myself with people that hurt me"
To me the first one seems like you have decided you will never be around her again since she has hurt you. Almost like you would never forgive her. Make sense?
I'd for sure wait for some vets to weigh in, though! As always, you're doing amazing.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
