1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Intellectually I don't disagree. For years I rationalized what I did because it matched what I felt. Now that I realize that it has cost me my marriage and family I am forced to confront some problems I have that I buried long ago.

I know I've been an a$$. I've been told it's wrong and deep down knew it myself though I was good at not looking at it. I've read posts like 'the sex was good' part 1 & 2 entirely and see the wisdom being offered. Everyone is talking about how he is fixated on one thing, focused on his needs, not ready for the ebbs and flow of a committed relationship, etc. They say he is acting like a whiny 17 year old.

I'm a lot like that. But the tricky part is that I can know that, it doesn't change it so easily. It's almost like a phobia, where being deprived sexually wasn't just 'hurtful', it was more 'terrifying'. I NEEDED her to be with me or I would start going to extremes like the other poster. Is my entire life going to be like this? I'd do anything for her, why doesn't she love me the same amount? I can't live like this. And it wasn't rational, it was extremely unreasonable and based on fear.

So I'm really trying to figure out where that fear comes from. And I haven't figured that out yet, or learned ways to deal with it. The frustrating part is that everyone can say 'that's wrong', but I've never found a bridge to grow from where I am to where the majority seem to be. Ideas have abounded like 'abandonment issues', 'bi-polar', 'addictive personalities', etc. But labels only help if there's a recommendation.

That's one thing I'm working on with both a DB Phone coach and a therapist. I need to figure this out. Again, before I thought I could 'work around' it. And keep in mind, this is a snap shot of my worst sides, in many ways I was caring, tender, etc. But ultimately this was a deal breaker that ended up hurting every part of the relationship. And my wife.

I agree I'm not ready for a relationship with my soon to be ex or anyone else until I conquer some of these demons. It's discouraging because they've been lifelong and at times I wonder if I'm destined to be lonely forever because I'm incapable of a healthy partnership. But life will have to prove that to me, I'm not going to give up. I'm sure others have turned around things like this and if it's possible I'll find a way. When I have I will pray that I reunite with my wife. If not I am just glad she didn't get hurt any further.

[Zues126]

Wow. This is me. Funny, it was in my wife's 'break up' speech about how the co-dependency had been broken. She saw it. I love her for that and wish her a bright and strong future.

http://insidetherapy.com/codependency.html

[Paz2014]

Zues,

I'm so sorry for the path you've had to travel to see your mistakes. It's not an easy road but it is humbling.

I think it's great that you wanted to nurture every aspect of your marriage. Leave no stone unturned. However, I can understand why your W is fearful of you. Your expectations of her participation was unrealistic. It's not that she didn't love you like you love her; she just loved you in her own way. This was hard for me to grasp too. Remember though that it's your behavior that she is fearful of and behaviors can be modified. ;-)

That thing that broke within her...her spirit. You may not have realized it then or even now but I'm sure she felt like a failure too. She didn't understand that your love language is touch. Have you read that book? What was here? Did you take the time to show her? Additionally, I think your marriage suffered from a lot of mixed languages between the two of you. Yeah, we all baggage and issues to work out but it doesn't necessarily equate the death of a M. I have a firm belief that marriage is forever just as God intended it to be in the beginning. I feel that people give up too easily on M and it's really disheartening. If your are a spiritual type I recommend the book "Love & Respect: the Love she most desires. The respect he desperately needs" by Emerson Eggerichs. It's faith based but very practical and applicable, IMO.

About to board for my three-week getaway. Keep posting!

[Zues126]

Thank you for the support and feedback.

Codependency was a dead accurate description. She was part of it, losing her identity and walking on eggshells trying to live with me and my addictions and expectations.

I see it now. It helps to understand that even if we were magically back together it wouldn't work right now. I have all the love in the world for her, but I've seen that I've wronged her regardless. Love for her isn't enough. I want her to be safe from me, and for now will honestly put my efforts into growing into someone she could feel safe with.

Therapy, phone coaching, reading, journaling, posting. It's a start. But I may need more. I have neglected my spirituality and for the first time in years am thinking of going back to church. That would be a big 180. The fact is I have proven I can't 'reason' my way back to strength. I cant fix me by myself. Maybe with help from up above I can find a more pure path. And it jives with another 180, letting go of my needs more and trying to focus on the needs of my loved ones. For now that means my wife, going her the distance she needs to feel safe and recover. And for my children, who deserve a loving father and positive role model. Finally, I am going to be open to the will of The Lord should be want to make his purpose clear to my heart. I abandoned my faith long ago but even though I don't fully believe with my head it is time I humbly ask for forgiveness and the strength to go on.

[GoatGal]

Hi, Zues126,

I'm just catching up after some time away from all this, and was skimming your thread.

First of all, let me commend you on finding this site and trying to implement what you've been learning here.

You're lucky that you hit on it so early. I didn't find it until almost a year after "the speech" ILYBINILWY, and seven months after discover of his infidelity. So you're miles ahead.

A few things jump out at me:

1. Someone above said it sounds like your wife might be involved with someone else.
Not to freak you out, but I agree.
She's just a bit too rushed, too eager to "move on"... a bit too happy about it all.
I doubt that would be the case if she was looking a life alone without her spouse and---do you have children?
If this is not a deal-breaker for you, don't do anything about it now, but be warned this may come to light sooner rather than later.

2. Please include a signature with your posts with ages, time married, etc.
It helps us all get a better handle on what's going on with you.
You can do that if you go to your "My Stuff" , edit profile, add signature.

3. I'm glad you're following along with Grey's thread.
While no two marriages are the same, if you see similarities, then definitely apply them to your sitch.

4. The porn thing.
Well, if you read my thread, you'll get a sense on how that impacts a relationship long term, and also how it negatively affects you, your ability to perform, and your expectations about your physical relationship with your wife.

I never had a problem with porn, watched it, participated in it with my H, but stopped years ago when I realized that his "tastes" only ran more and more to meeting his needs the way he saw in Pornland, and less and less about being with ME in ways that I would like.

I began to feel degraded, and frankly, he's gotten to the point that he can only physically respond if the interactions are "pornified".

While he would like to make that about me and some shortcomings I might have, the truth is, he has ruined himself for anything that approaches "normal" lovemaking.
He has functional ED, except for porn.

He took his fantasies into real life, almost lost his job, took advantage of a naive young woman and harmed her in several ways.
He had to take Viagra with her from the get-go due to his "issues", yet after a few encounters he couldn't reliably perform with her EITHER due to his porn-induced ED--even with Viagra-- and finally decided to "improve" their interactions by bringing porn into their relationship.

No wonder she dumped him.
Now she knows what I know.
Porn has not made him a stud, it's made him a DUD.

How sad is that?
Worst of all, he's decided he can't "fix" this (his sexual problems, the damage he's done) and so has decided to divorce me.

I'm all for adding toppings on the sundae.
But when it's all about the sprinkles and not there's no more ice cream, that's no longer dessert. It's just pretty, sweet crap.
"Vanilla is the finest of the flavors". And is a great base to build on.

Sorry---I'm rambling, but I'll get off my soapbox now.

---GG

[MrBond]

IMHO, your W isn't seeing someone else. You explained how you acted towards her and what her personality is like. It's pretty easy to see why she's fearful of you. In fact, even though you fall upon your own sword and say you're sorry, etc. I don't get that you are.

You have a way of turning the blame around to your W, even though your WORDS say that you are to blame. I've been here long enough to smell that something's not right.

So what were some good points that your W had about you?

[Paz2014]

Zues,

This is probably the best thing I've heard you say so far. There is healing...the kind you feel is impossible in your M right now. This is a perfect 180! God will lead you if seek with the right heart. You can do all the healing you want through therapy, coaching...etc. but nothing fulfills your spirit more than healing from God. Be forwarned, if there is to be true spiritual healing in you, He will reveal all of your sins and you need to be ready to be accountable for them. There is hope for your marriage through God so don't give up so easily.

Yeah, you made mistakes and yes you probably could have been a better H. So now that this have been revealed to you...what will you do with it? I sense that you're resigning to the fact that there's too many obstacles in your M for it to be healed. And, that you think it's okay to walk away because you've caused too much damage or are somehow are not good enough for your W. Which is exactly what the enemy wants you to see. But yes, I do believe you need to heal first before you can be a better H to your W but it does not have to cost you your M.

If you're serious check out the book "Power of a Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartian. This will help you pray for wife and you will learn a thing or two about being a H in the eyes of The Lord. It's a 30-day devotional. You will read 1-2 pages about a topic (ie...her emotions or sexuality) and then a prayer will be followed along with supporting verses from the bible. It's quite easy...a no-brainer really. You can build from there.

This kind of transformation is powerful and if your W is the kind that appreciates the leadership of a Godly man, she will take notice and perhaps by your faithful obedience God may effect change within her too. Does she share your faith?

Here's a little motivation for you:

"The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge." Proverbs 18:15

[Zues126]

Thank you for the replies. Bond, I'm more suspicious of myself than you could ever be. I question everything. For example, take going back to church. Is this for spiritual strength? Or is this so I can try to show my wife how much I've changed, impress her by inviting the kids to church someday, and maybe at some point open up the door for her to join...I've had that fantasy. But I think for someone grieving for their old life that is normal. The question I'm asking myself is 'if there was no hope at all for the marriage would you still go to church?' and my answer is yes. I need help and direction. There hasn't been much growth yet, but I'm opening the door.

To be clear I'm not saying I'm all better. That's absurd. What I'm saying for the first time is that I realize I'm not. I have done some thinking about 'if I could do it over again, would I have done it differently', and it gets discouraging because I'm still no where close to ready to be in a relationship. For example, if my wife said "I don't believe in doing a/b/c in bed anymore" I'd freak out and feel like she sentenced me to a life of feeling misunderstood, unloved, and rejected.

But the good news is that I WAS given the gift of time. And I am open to change. CMF- thank you for your replies. You hit it on the head when you said 'she loved you her own way'. Very difficult for me. My DB Phone Coach told me that if I needed my wife to do exactly A/B/C for me to feel loved then 'that was a pretty small target I was making her shoot at'. I like the way she put it. As for having 'given up'- I don't want to give up, but I do want to detach and accept that the relationship is outside of my control. I have been trying to focus on God's will right now. That may be that we're back together someday. It may not. But either way, doing things my way didn't work too much. It is all about a shift towards the needs of others and having faith it will work out. I wouldn't say my spirit has been broken, but I've definitely been humbled. And that's ok. I'm not afraid to face all my sins. I am not proud of them, but I am more focused on how to live today to stop doing this type of damage.

GoatGal, I appreciate the feedback. Today is day 5 with no porn. Not a long stretch, but the longest it could be since I only quit 5 days ago. I think your write up was very powerful and will give me additional support when I'm tested. It's difficult at a time when I feel vulnerable. But I feel the need for growth more than then need to feed desire right now. Maybe as the months roll by the lack of exposure to that world will make it easier to clear my head and expand the target that my wife would have to hit to satisfy me.

I'll update my profile later and start ordering those books. This is the first time I've been on my own in a long time...almost in my whole life. The DB says you can't be happy in a marriage if you're not happy on your own. I've always tried to work around that. Now's my chance. Thank you for taking the time to reply. For those in a healthy R, it's no accident, you put in the work and growth that I didn't. But please be appreciative for what you have and make today special for the two of you.

[Zues126]

Wow, only a day and a half since last post. I'm still in the 'each day is a chapter' stage of my post separation roller coaster.

No major updates on my personal journey. I am going to church Saturday for the first time, looking forward to it. And I have been praying in the meantime. When I start thinking about my STBX I try to turn my thoughts to what God thinks of what I'm doing instead of her. I'm successful about 1% of the time. She's running through my mind all day, what can I say.

We are still exchanging about 1 email a day. Now it's all business about the children and the separation. So it started loving the first week, went angry the second, and is now clinical. It's terrifying watching her slip away. And although I made it through the last few days without feeling terrible (I believe a sign from above and for me pursuing HIS will and not mine), it scares me to think she also is going to be moving on.

Then it was strange tonight. I got to stop by what was my home 2 1/2 weeks ago to see the children. Until I have my own place I will be visiting there. There were two things that she did/said that I thought were odd. One- the bathroom upstairs connects with the masterbedroom. She left the door to the bedroom open so when I used the bathroom I could peer in and see how she redid it all. Since most people want their privacy I assume she wanted me to see it. Second, there was a screensaver on her computer that was rolling a bunch of recently taken pictures in the back ground. Some were the kids, some were my family. She said something about how she had to 'shut that off, there's a picture of someone, someone, and "ex-boyfriend". Maybe I misheard her, but I think she was dropping a hint that she had hung out with her ex recently and wanted me to know.

But I tuned that out because I was there for my children. My first 180 is serving the needs of others. Their needs come first. And I did a great job as a dad and had a WONDERFUL time with the children.

Still, driving away is heartbreaking. I have regressed tonight. For two days I was in a near acceptance state of serving the lord and trusting his will. Now I'm feeling every step she takes away from me as another small death in my heart. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. Yet time rolls on and it is.

We were together close to 11 years so I understand it will be a long journey. I just wish I knew how it would end. I feel like it's the difference between losing a loved one in a car crash, and having them become a missing person. After a few weeks the search parties stop looking, but you still hold on to hope, but it diminishes, until finally you have a ceremony and move on.

I guess the good news is that she's remained in contact daily. Whatever she thinks she feels she is still staying somewhat connected. I know 'going dark' is popular but my DB Coach is telling me to just mirror her tone and frequency for now.

Now I'm ready to do some things I want to do tomorrow (GAL) and look up for the strength to detach. I can't let go of the rope just yet but maybe I won't be white knuckling anymore.

Thank you all, goodnight!

[pilot]

Good luck to you. Your DB coach should keep you on a good track and help you adjust when and where you need to. It is tough, I know, and everyone else here knows what you are going through. The thoughts of how can this happen to me, why did this happen to me, and what will 6 months from now look like are all thoughts we have had.

The best advice I can give you which has helped me is to detach lovingly. If you are able to get your mind in a place where you have truly detached, your life and your efforts will be infinitely easier on you. GAL and 180s are great, but detaching is the key to it all.

Best of luck to you my friend.