Wife and I have been married 14 years + 4 years dating. We have two kids, 6 and 3.
I have cheated on her (escort services) numerous times over the span of 5 years (2006-2011). I stopped in 2011 (and to this day never have the desire to go back to that lifestyle). She still stayed with me. Minimal effort was made to mend the underlying issues which were destroying our marriage. She has tried to forgive and forget, but says she cannot.
Recently, I found out that she has been having an affair with a coworker for 3 months. She says he's his "soulmate", and she sees a future with him, up to and including marriage. She says she didn't know she could have these feelings, and that she's finally happy.
The biggest problem? She wants us to remain friends, and she wants me to remain a father figure in the children's lives. She truly believes that this will have minimal impact on the children. She says I'm an amazing father, so it's like she has the father figure for the kids, and gets to be happy with her "soulmate". It's as if she thinks she can have her cake and eat it too. She sees no wrong in this, and she sees herself as the victim in this situation. I see her as the one who is breaking up this family.
Since this has happened, I've sought counseling and gained an increase in confidence and self-esteem. My work and day-to-day life has improved as far as getting things done.
My fear is that by remaining amicable about this situation, I am making her think this is OK. She tells me to keep up my positive attitude.
Also, we went to see a counselor together, and agreed to a 2-month "trial period" before she makes her final decision. She has very little confidence that she will come back to me, as she said point blank.
During this trial period, the ground rules are:
* She is allowed only business-related interaction with the OM during the week. * She is allowed one half day on the weekend with the OM. * She wants to have one full day each weekend as a family (just the 4 of us). This was her idea. * We are to sleep in separate beds (as we did most of the time anyways, because of my clingy daughter who can't sleep without mom -- a separate issue.) * No physical/intimate contact at first except holding hands. "Baby steps", as she says.
I tried to tell her that for any sort of trial period to work, that she needs to cut off personal contact with the OM. But she wouldn't agree to that.
Am I in a totally hopeless situation here? Is she just stringing me along just to let time heal my pain and sort out logistics of our separation? She says she's not stringing me along. She says that she hasn't completely shut the door on me.
Just found out that she already took the OM to meet her father. Is this beyond the point of no return?
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Wife and I have been married 14 years + 4 years dating. We have two kids, 6 and 3.
The biggest problem? She wants us to remain friends, and she wants me to remain a father figure in the children's lives. She truly believes that this will have minimal impact on the children. She says I'm an amazing father, so it's like she has the father figure for the kids, and gets to be happy with her "soulmate"
The phrase "father figure" was really jarring to me. I'm very curious why you (or your W) would use that term.
Sorry you are in this situation. You will find great advice (but also hard questions to ask yourself) here.
Thanks for the feedback everyone. Here is an update:
First, let me point out that my wife is an EXTREMELY analytical and level-headed woman with A LOT of integrity. For her to be put in this place means that she was near or at rock bottom mentally.
We talked a lot these past few days. We opened up about our true feelings towards each other, and I've even come to the sad but true conclusion that I was not really in love with her. After all, if I was truly in love, I would not have been so easily be able to justify the numerous times I've betrayed her.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
The phrase "father figure" was really jarring to me. I'm very curious why you (or your W) would use that term.
Sorry you are in this situation. You will find great advice (but also hard questions to ask yourself) here.
Because she and I both know that I'm an amazing father, and she also knows that even if she ultimate leaves me, that won't change.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
She says I'm an amazing father, so it's like she has the father figure for the kids, and gets to be happy with her "soulmate".
You're their father... Plain and simple. Anyone else that enters their life would be a father figure. All you have to do is focus on being the best father you can be no matter what happens.
Originally Posted By: mindsin
My fear is that by remaining amicable about this situation, I am making her think this is OK. She tells me to keep up my positive attitude.
You are not making her think or feel anything, she is doing that all on her own. She is right about one thing, you do need to keep a positive attitude and keep moving your life forward. Detach, breathe and use the time you now have to make improvements to yourself.
Originally Posted By: mindsin
Am I in a totally hopeless situation here? Is she just stringing me along just to let time heal my pain and sort out logistics of our separation?
Sorry... My crystal ball is in the shop. No matter whether you D or not, the future is not hopeless. It just might be a different future than you envisioned. Work on maintaining a positive mental attitude and making your life better than it was yesterday.
Me: 43 Her: 37 D: 4 T: 20 years M: 15 years 1st Separation: 12/20/06 Drew up papers for D: 9/15/07 Reconciled: 11/1/07
My wife are very amicable towards one each other now. We spend an hour or so every night talking about our feelings, laughing and joking. The other day, she revealed to me who her OM is. It's someone that I know (in her professional life), but I don't know him in person and I've never met him.
I've also told her at one point that perhaps I was never truly in love with her, only to recant that position a day later and reveal to her that I am still in love with her (probably a mistake). But still, I promised to be open and honest to her, and that was my honest feeling.
We've also stopped arguing about the situation.
There are some key things that she's told me in the last 48 hours or so that makes me have a little more hope that she will return to me.
1.) A couple of months ago, she told me of a new favorite song she has ("All of Me" - John Legend). She told me to listen to lyrics and commented on how beautiful they are. I am a piano player and singer. As soon as I knew she liked that song, I learned how to play and sing it. I remember performing it for her one night, and she did not have much of a reaction. Fast forward to now. She revealed to me that this song was introduced to her by the OM, and that it was "their song". She then tells me that she told the OM that I played and sang this song for her. She told me that he got very upset and said he hates that song now.
2.) She indicated to me that she's going to miss the great sex that we've had. Strangely enough, our sex life has vastly improved over the past year, to little effect apparently, since she went and had an affair anyways. Here's the kicker -- She told me that she told him that I am better in bed than him.
3.) Last night, she said that she feels safe with me.
4.) After telling her that I signed up to an online dating site and I've received quite a few "likes". She immediately asked me why I felt the need to do that. Why would she have a problem with that if she just wanted me to move on? This morning, she said that she thinks I should try it and go on a date. Was this a mistake? Should I go on the date? Is she testing me?
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
