Sex was great, part 2

[Starsky309]

I'm an artist, a painter. colorofgrey.com I like to cook, especially French and creole. I love bacon---I put it in my chili; I call it BBC chilli (beer, bacon, coffee).

I play guitar, mostly classical music, folk and rock. I don't play live anymore but love to jam with friends and my twin brother. I love college football, all of it. I love Ferrari and Formula 1. Ferrari has a cultural mindset of being the best. I like that.

I like to work. I don't love TV, didn't even have it for a decade before maybe two years ago (I got cable for college football season). I love movies, but I don't watch a lot of TV, although I did watch Hannibal, the best show on TV, and Game of Thrones, which makes me wonder how anyone can think the Bible is a perfect translation after hundreds of years when the books are so different. I'd rather listen to music & radio or, even better, podcasts (mostly Joe Rogan and Jay Mohr, Greg Proops, etc.)


I'm outgoing, funny, tall, good shape, I've always had some sleep problems, I love live music and the South, disc golf, organizing events and shows, beer, whiskey, California, coffee, swimming, grilling, writing for local magazines, horror films, cooperative video games, dogs, being outdoors, gardening, romance, popcorn, sandals, kite boarding and stunt kites, learning new skills, crock pots, thunderstorms, and camp fires.

Hell, I don't even play for that team, but I'd sleep with you!!!


Kidding. I'm a flaming heterosexual. Just thought we could all use a laugh around here. You do sound like an interesting guy, Grey!


Starsky

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Starsky--my head was ready to explode and I understand a lot of this type of intensity.

See--Grey?

There is a LOT more to you than
"Those Things About Which We Do Not Speak--FOR NOW"
(Hereafter referred to as: TTAWWDNS + FN)

You do sound like an interesting, creative guy!
No wonder Starsky might think of switching teams..
(But you sound like you'd be a total score for the Aspie camp if that's where you end up. We'd love to have you!)

I am also a musician, artist, (3-D sculpture, ceramic), dancer, animal lover. Guitar and Ukulele, vocals--mostly traditional jazz and blues. I can rock contemporary blues too.

You lost me on "Game of Thrones" but I did name one of my dogs "Enzo" after YOU-KNOW-WHO Ferrari!!!!

Now that you've got your focus shifted a bit here, think about some things you can do that will help you:
Calm your mind
Shift your focus to something more productive
Try and be at peace with where you are at the moment.

Note: I am NOT saying forever, six months, or anything other than JUST FOR NOW.

What can YOU do to help yourself feel better right now that doesn't involve you-know-who?

Basically, anything you can do to remove yourself from your thought loop will help you get some perspective on things.
Right now you're seeing at microbe level.
You need to pull that focus back so you're seeing the bird's eye view.

How about some vigorous physical exercise?
That's usually a good one, works well while forcing yourself to get interested in another topic.

For myself, hyper-focus can be a real problem.
I tend to get fixated on things, and also on "fixing" things.

So even if you're not in my camp, I get where you're coming from.


Try really hard not to get back on that track, Grey. It's a dead end. Trust me.

The only track that leads anywhere is the one inside you, it's the only one you can ride on anyway.

---GG

[GoatGal]

Hey---as per above.

This is supposed to be an anonymous site, so you might want to edit your post to remove your website unless you want the world knowing your biz...

That's up to you.

[Grey]

It won't let me edit it now, but the world knows my biz, it's ok, I'm not embarassed by any of it and I already kindof live in the public eye with my art career so no biggie.

Try KROQ some time----106.7 out of LA, for the Kevin & Bean show, or listen to the archives at kevinandbeanarchive.com to hear "Bean," the most Asperger-centric guy in probably all media. He's obsessed with dates, maps, death reports in the news, he's relentlessly insensitive, but it all makes for really good radio. It's also hilarious. I listen to it just about every day.

Right now I'm going to start painting more and working more with the dogs for excercise and training. I think my wife will really like if I can get some discipline into the puppies.

[Grey]

K, I went to my therapist today. It was great. My therapist says I don't have Asperger's.

Strangely, I'm a little disappointed I don't have Asperger's...which seems like the most Asperger's-like thing I could possibly say about the diagnosis, doesn't it?

Oh well. In any case, at least now I "know."

[25yearsmlc]

I don't want to read another word here until you take a break, get some clarity, see your therapist... then I'd like to hear all about it.

K, no responses until my therapist tells me I have or don't have Asperger's, lol.

I will keep hiding my feelings and lying to (a person) each day until I have more to say about me. I'm not sure what else to say. Maybe I shouldn't have come here? Everyone seems to agree on that.

I don't agree. I also doubt very much that you are "hiding" your feelings.

I just think you are getting way ahead of yourself. You SAY that you cannot talk to her and that you brought it up ONCE.

To me, that's not a totally banned topic if you brought it up once and she...did what? Did she shut you down? I missed the part about what she actually TOLD YOU when you brought it up AND I missed the part about how you said it, as in, actual wording.

Also, these days my engine takes a bit longer to get warmed up, but once it is, it runs just fine thanks. My point is that without more foreplay than before, it is harder for me to reach the level of desire my h and I both want me to have. That's a menopausal aspect I ASSUME (I have an appointment next week and will ask that exact question. My bet is she'll prescribe me something to get my hormones back the way they were before. I'm actually hoping she does that.)

I think I can summarize what I see as the basics here, and then I want to ask you something.

First -- Your wife may think her lack of desire is "the new reality" but it MIGHT be do to physical causes, that are so well disguised & integrated in us, b/c of how we think and feel in our heads...that she does not know what she does not know...

AND she has diabetes and had cancer and a hysterectomy. ALL of those affect libido. Your reply will be "but NOT before now!" And I get that. I hear you.

But I'd be amazed if there are no physical dimensions to this. However, If there really are no medical issues, then her feelings have changed -- and that's where YOU do play a role.

So you know, My h was deployed to a dangerous area in the Middle East, about 18 months ago. He was gone for a LONG time. His date or return was uncertain. I had zero physical intimacy and not even face to face contact via Skype conversations...

Plus, after 9-11 (the Cairo and Benghazi & a dozen or ore embassies being assaulted, all our phone calls were monitored. So that pretty much eliminated even intimate talk

So you are not alone in having no intimacy for periods of time. You'll argue that at least I knew my h wanted it, and that's fair.

But it's also fair to say I sure got a lot less than you are getting. I had a free floating angst about his safety, 24/7. I hated hearing the news at night. I did not let the kids watch it when they were around, just in case we'd again hear of " soldiers killed today in an ambush" etc.

I had NO day to day OR nightly companion. I had no co parent and my "bff" husband was not even able to reliably call me very often. Maybe once a week maybe for 10 minutes, at odd crazy hours and without any notice.

Grey, Could you handle it if you had been me? Really?

(Geez, I guess I need to tell you that NO, I did not cheat on him, for the record. For me & everyone I know, cheating on guys in combat - or on pregnant/sick wives, is about as low as it gets. Just inexcusable.)

So IF your wife is having medical problems, and for the sake of THIS discussion, let's say she is...then what? You want out?

B/C after all, you don't KNOW that she'll get better, you don't KNOW that she will want it the same way again, AND THEN WHAT??

See, you have spent so much time imagining and fearing that this is forever, and that you already know you CANNOT live without it, you are preparing for divorce or an affair! It's kind of nutty to me.

Grey, you are borrowing a ton of trouble from tomorrow, negatively projecting, and pretty much harming the present.


Nevertheless I do understand one thing a bit different in your situation from other SSM. That is that your wife was NOT a "Low libido woman" or low sex drive woman before marriage and was fine at the beginning of the m too, right? Was it literally right after the honeymoon?

I mean, once upon a time You DID have a good sex life and she DID enjoy ML and sometimes initiated, until very recently in your r. Is that summary accurate?

So this is new. But that also means STOP rushing into your worst case scenarios. How long has this been going on really? You went from how often to how much less, when? Why do I ask?

I think you don't fit the standard "SSM" scenario, UNLESS and UNTIL SHE SAYS she has low sex drive and THEN, you could try the SSM approaches;...

and

you have had far more good things going on in the m, including a good sex life until quite recently. This isn't YET a big problem (except you keep worrying that 'it will be OR it might be OR what IF it is?? Then what??")

You say you don't only focus on this negative aspect but then you complained that you felt so alone in bed and how hard it was for you that one night (though you also said you have had long standing sleep issues).

Man, get some perspective. Put yourself in the boots of a soldier for 5 minutes (if not the shoes of your w.) We go without, for long periods of time. Honestly, I hear of affairs, but I don't personally know any. So- not cool.

If you want to live in fear and projection, You know, you might get diabetes too...and should she worry about that NOW? OR what if you became paralyzed everywhere that matters sexually, and she could never again have what you two once had?

And can you stop assuming this is a forever problem? For 90 days, can you NOT assume this is forever?


Grey (did you actually name yourself after the "50 Shades" guy? Oh man, that book is so poorly written that our book club made a drinking game out of the cliches strewn throughout...--but I digress)

The main problem I see that you can work on, is that you sound too much like a guy who sees himself as quite noble, & a "great h",

who is not getting his way on what he claims is the main issue, now, but he used to (!!) and therefore he is a victim and he always will be - if he doesn't stomp his feet hard, right NOW.

You seem to demand answers to complex questions, by a certain date...or else...or else what? I mean, sounds as if you already have back up exit plans- and that is creepy to me.

Like I said, in some ways I totally feel for you b/c at times, you do sound like a concerned h. That's when you put aside your physical needs, and express worry about her (which is not often enough, compared to how much you focus on what is missing in your need bucket).

But if you can put yourself in my shoes for 2 minutes -- I had no idea when (or if, to be honest) my h would return from Afghanistan. I didn't know where he was, other than an entire nation but I did know he was a kidnap target...I had no idea if he was "cheating" on me (pretty much not a thing I worried about). I did not know anything about his daily life, or how he felt. OR when he was returning... I was very lonely, frightened at times, stressed as hell, much POORER b/c his pay plunged when he was activated.

And so, you come here VERY concerned, very upset, very worried about the future of your marriage, solely b/c you have had a "lot less" sex, the past few months.

Perspective, please.

[GoatGal]

GREAT post, 25 years!

And, sorry Grey.

Maybe you can't make S'mores around the Aspie campfire.

Unless you wear a badge that says: "Visitor".
We're always happy to have another guitar player.


Just food for thought though--- unless your therapist is really skilled in diagnosing Asperger's/ADD and all the spectrum stuff, it might not be clear AT ALL.

My IC didn't believe it either because I compensate so well....and pick up on many subtle social cues. This is ONLY because I have studied and worked hard to learn and to be more fluid socially.
So sometimes I pick up things others do not.
That's only because I'm working 3x as hard as everyone else.

Good for you for bringing it up, though.

And also good for giving the whole "TTOFWDNS+ FN" loop a well-deserved rest.

Go cook a bacon wrapped lobster tail or something...
Or make some bacon-infused, pork belly terrine...

---GGG

[Grey]

@25years----------sorry your problems are worse than mine. I am. That seems to be the reason everyone gives me here when they tell me to shut up about my problems. My wife never had a historectomy, though. I'm sorry about your husband and your issues but millions of people have it even worse than that, too, if it helps. Again, I'm a good husband, and I only come here for advice on one subject BECAUSE it's an area of expertise for the woman who created the site and wrote books on the subject. For now, I'm shutting up about it even here because that's the advice I was given, but for what it's worth I don't think about it much, it's only even some of the times I do think about it that I get stressed and I'm trying to find a way to deal with that stress----for now, getting better sleep is a priority.

@GG---------I may yet have Apserger's. If I do, I manage it, much like you, but the guy I KNOW who has Asperger's on the radio, Bean Baxter, well, he's clinical in every way----fascinated with maps, dates, numbers, he SAYS creepy things on live air, he loves ship wrecks, can't stand when people say "daylight SAVINGS time," I just don't think AS is the outlier for me right now is all but still give Kevin and Bean a shot just to hear Bean. I think you'd be entertained, at least.

After my therapy yesterday, my therapist says I'm doing great. I feel good about everything, but her encouragement is truly inspirational. Right now, my focus is on better sleep. So I'm taking a bubble bath every night. No joke. We have a nice tub, jets and everything. No internet two hours before bed. No TV. No sweets 4 hours before bed (I was already doing most of these things). If I can't sleep, I have a pad and paper to write anything down as fast as I can, non-stop. I'll be getting more regular exercise running the dogs.

I'll also be training the two dogs more myself, both together and individually. I'm setting up a budget with budget-planning software so it's transparent, I'm getting a calendar tomorrow so we can both keep better track of events, I've started working with a group of people on a curated group art show for the fall and getting other artists involved (painting on vinyl records) and doing some TV spots for it, and also TTOFWDNS+ FN

[GoatGal]

I will check out the radio show!

Meanwhile, most of us do not come off all "Rain Man".

In my case, most people would not pick up on it.
For me it's mostly an internal struggle.
It's a spectrum; no two people are alike and there is a wide range of expression.

I am on the "mild" end with "mild" ADD.
Both of which get worse with stress, lack of sleep, lack of exercise, and the wrong diet.

So yeah---SLEEP is a high priority.

Nice post, BTW.

Have a great day. Go paint a dog--- literally!



----GGG

[Starsky309]

After my therapy yesterday, my therapist says I'm doing great. I feel good about everything, but her encouragement is truly inspirational. Right now, my focus is on better sleep. So I'm taking a bubble bath every night. No joke. We have a nice tub, jets and everything. No internet two hours before bed. No TV. No sweets 4 hours before bed (I was already doing most of these things). If I can't sleep, I have a pad and paper to write anything down as fast as I can, non-stop. I'll be getting more regular exercise running the dogs.

I'll also be training the two dogs more myself, both together and individually. I'm setting up a budget with budget-planning software so it's transparent, I'm getting a calendar tomorrow so we can both keep better track of events, I've started working with a group of people on a curated group art show for the fall and getting other artists involved (painting on vinyl records) and doing some TV spots for it, and also TTOFWDNS+ FN

Great stuff, Grey!!!


Hang in there, and I pray you can learn to smell some of the other roses along Life's way.


Starsky