Have I any hope... (part 2)

[bashy]

I think that's y she has been getting angry.... but as Mach says, I'm presuming but dont really know if she's thinking that.

Practice with help from you guys and my counsellor methinks.

[bashy]

Been thinking about boundaries....

My WAW has bad anxiety and is struggling at the minute with all the stuff mentioned in previous posts. While it would be stupid of me to jump everytime she asks me to it only bothers me when she expects me to do the running (ie a 50 mile round trip to go help her).

Sooo... I have decided if she needs my help she will need to come to me IF I'm available. She needs help with paperwork as mentioned before... I've told her I'll look at it for her but only give her options that I can see for her.

She has asked me to help her move her stuff to new apartment next week. I've told her no as that's my day with D.

Is this a sensible option?

In the meantime I have upped my GAL by going running everyday on top of gym sessions, continuing with my new counsellor, I've started saving for a new place for myself and going golfing every sunday.

[bashy]

So WAW collected D today. Went over paperwork for her. I listened and really didn't need to do anything. She seemed to have it under control and I told her that. She said she had no one else to talk to about it and needed to see if she had all she needed.

She then asked if I could help with moving stuff. I said I'd lift letters and tools. The rest I don't need. It's all hers. She asked about dumping washing machine and fridge etc. I said no. Just leave it. She got annoyed and said it shouldn't be left there. I said I wouldn't be doing it. She was peeved.

Clarified D's horse riding for two weeks (3 days each week). She had forget (although denies being told) that she'd be taking her in the mornings of the second week... her first week in new apartment. I paid for two weeks and agreed I'd do daily 50 mile round trip for each morning of first week. She started getting angry saying the second week was her only time off, she wanted a lie in each morning and that I'd taken time off recently and she didn't ask me to look after D or do anything with her. I told her she'd have to tell D that she'd only be going one week then.... inside I was seething but stayed calm. She went in and told D but didn't hear what was said. Afterwards she had calmed down and thanked me for her help.

I then mentioned looking at moving to a little town to be closer to D but which I know is close to her friend. She said: 'Don't forget me and friend spend a lot of time there at weekend'. I got from that she meant 'what if you see me with another man'.... mind reading I suppose. I said nothing.

We then said our goodbyes and her and D gave me an affectionate wave from car.

So, I went for a drive and was so angry about D's horse riding. So I text this with help of a friend...'Hi W, didn't want to row earlier in front of D. Really disappointed with regard to her horse riding. It's already paid for. Shes not getting a holiday and this is a summer treat for her. Think about it and I hope you change your mind as it's in her best interests. Our separation will already have affected her so the distraction will be good for her.'

Her reply: 'Well she actually said in the car she was glad she is only going for one week. Speak to her yourself.'

I'm not replying. What do I say to that!?!

Anyway, no need for contact now except for D so going dark again and working on GAL.

[bashy]

Well, feeling really sentimental about D this evening after she went home and regarding horse drama.

Feel I've let her down in life. First time in a while I've felt like this as I've been focusing on my sitch with WAW.... although I've been having the time of my life with the little one at weekends.

Anyway, got WAW to get D to ring me about this weekend as Transformers and Planet of the Apes are both out. Asked D what she wanted to see.... she's so indecisive and easy to please she said: "Either. You choose daddy." Breaks my heart.

So we have a little chat. She's in good form. Then ask to put WAW on. We chat about D. I tell her how I'm feeling about D. She says she's been thinking the same recently and misses her when she's away. We talk about getting her nice clothes for school soon as we never splash out when really we should.... we never ever have.

So I take the plunge.... with no expectations, and I mean this, I ask WAW if she wants to join D and I for nice meal next week, followed by clothes shopping for D then the Apes film which WAW is dying to see (D told WAW that she always goes to cinema with Daddy and she would be again for Apes haha).

WAW agrees (hesitantly at first I feel although I may be wrong) but soon seems to warm up to the idea. God, I wish we were doing this all the time!!

Anyway, no expectations at all next week. Just want D to have a lovely time with her mum and dad.

[bashy]

My friend who has been helping and supporting me has said after asking WAW to cinema and shopping next week with D that I am back to square one.... that I'm pursuing.

Well ofcourse I'm pursuing but I don''t initatite phone calls or texts and havent for months now. I NEVER ask WAW were she's going or who she is with. I am beginning to set boundaries ie not helping her with move but helping with things only if she comes to me. And I plan on next week being about D and no one else.

I know I need to detach and GAL more....


My head hurts!!!

[bashy]

Talk about confused. A lot going on right now in my head.... that's what happens working night shift and it being quiet!!!

So I'm reading my above post and wondering should I help WAW with moving stuff to new home but on my own terms ie on the day I leave D home? I defintely won't do it on the day I collect b/c that's our day together.

I've been reading a lot of people's posts this evening. Thinking back on what has been working and what hasn't. I remember back in early June things were going really well... lots of contact from WAW for no real reason, I stayed over, we slept in same bed, she was comfortable around me because I wasn't a 'threat.... then BAM, I messed up by pursuing etc during one silly evening.

I've been causing some fuss with her recently by not always being there for her, deliberately, so she can feel my absence and learn to stand on her own two feet but perhaps I need to do things that 'work'. What was working though? Me being there for her and us growing a bond again until I messed up or me taking a step back, not always being there for her and us seemingly growing apart with no contact for days on end?

I don't expect any help on this one but just felt the need to vent...

[pilot]

Just step back again bashy. It is what has worked for you. You should not have asked her out for dinner...even under the pretense as friendly with D around. I know you want to be with her, but make her want to be with you too...

[bashy]

I will try Pilot. So difficult....

Then this morning as I slept after night shift work I got a call from WAW. She was in hysterics.... Crying, breathing heavily.... She was having an anxiety attack. The first in a long while. I calmed her down, got her to breath more slowly. She settled.

Told her to take the day off work. She said she couldn't afford it. Felt awful cus D10 witnessed it. Says she can't cope with everything. I reassured her that all would be good. After more settling chat we hung up.

I slept but awoke to three text messages to do with D and other trivial things.

I sorted those then she rang later and we talked more. She explained the pressure of everything. I told her I'd help if I could but reiterated that I couldn't help move her stuff on the day she was moving. 'So I can't move in that day then?'. I told her it was my day with D, I'm sorry her family can't help more but when I leave D home on the Sunday (two days later) I'd help if she needed it. Thought this was ok as it was on my own terms. She didn't agree but didn't row either.

More chat and this time I told her I'm trying to get on with my life, she said she understood we were both trying to move on. I did not fall into trap of saying 'I'll always be there for u if u need me'.

Anyway, another call later from WAW about D's coat for my weekend with her. I asked was she ok and if she needed a chat to give me a call.

Not sure if I went too far in all this but after hearing her anxiety attack I just felt it right to help in any small way. She really is buckling under the pressure....

[bashy]

I'm a mug. Been thinking about life with WAW tonight. Do you know how many times we kissed properly in all our years together... and I mean properly. Not just a kiss on the lips but a proper 'snog'??? About a dozen!!!!

I honestly believed if we had counselling I'd say to them that my wife was perfect. I loved her as she was and wouldn't change. But now? No!!!

I must be mad wanting her back despite my own flaws....

[25yearsmlc]

what triggered that memory?

I mean the kissing one and why didn't you "Properly" kiss more often?