Hello everyone. I’m new to the board. Had hoped I would never end up on a board like this, but here I am. I suppose the long and the short of it is that 4 days ago I came home from a two month business trip abroad and found that my wife had moved most of her belongings out. She had left a note stating that she wanted to meet for coffee that afternoon to talk. It was there that she told me that she did not love me anymore, refused marriage counseling, and that she wanted a divorce.
Now a little background I guess. My wife and I met our freshman year of college. She always described it as love at first site, but at the time we met I was in a relationship with someone else. Over time, my wife and I grew closer and my gf at the time grew further apart, mostly due to it being a long distance relationship. My wife and I started dating about four months after we met. We dated throughout the rest of college about 3.5 years. We were very close, did almost everything together, and by my senior year, I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life on. After graduating, we went on a weekend trip together to a mountain/lake resort town, and I asked her to marry me on May 24, 2008. She said yes. I was the happiest guy in the world. After we got engaged, we moved into an apartment together and both attended graduate school. We got married on July 24, 2010. It was just a small ceremony, but we were so happy. We lived in the apartment for about a year after getting married, so that she could finish her master’s degree. On May 16, 2011 we moved into our townhouse that we bought together. Everything seemed so right.
Over the years we have had our issues, but what couple hasn’t? Most of it had to do with our communication. I’ve never been the kind that wears his emotions on his sleeve. I tend to keep things bottled up inside, and unfortunately when things get too much to handle, I tend to unleash everything at once, and then 15 minutes later, I’m fine again. My wife on the other hand, will hold onto something for days, and just be mad about it for a while before talking about it. We’ve always had communication issues, ever since we started dating. I know that I didn’t outwardly express my love for her enough, we didn’t talk about when things were bothering us enough. But despite our issues, I always thought we could work with them. I always loved her enough to look past our issues (although now, too late, I realize we should have been working through them instead of around them).
Then we had a big issue, which was totally my fault. My wife had applied and been accepted to a local police academy in the summer of 2013. I was never fully on board with the idea of her being a cop. I was afraid that she might get hurt, or that shift work would put a strain on our marriage. But she was so happy about it. She hated her previous job, and getting her acceptance letter made her the happiest I had seen her in a long time. Seeing her so happy, I just resigned myself to her being a cop. She had a really rough time in the academy. She came home every night tired, sore and emotionally drained. I took the wrong approach to helping her. I tried to push and encourage her: “You can do this. I know you can do this. Just keep pushing through.” Looking back, this “tough love” approach was probably the last thing she needed. She needed to be held and told that everything was going to be fine.
Well one night she was having a particularly bad night. She was extremely sore from the academy that day, and was lying in bed that night moaning from the pain. I tried to soothe her at first, but I had no effect. I had a bad day at work that day, and had to get up to go to work the next morning, so after a while of lying there, I did the most selfish and inconsiderate thing I have ever done in my life. I went and slept on the couch, and got a decent night’s sleep. A few days later, my wife got sick and had to withdraw from the academy. She was crushed. Nothing I tried made her feel better. She started seeing a counselor not long after this to help her deal with it, and continues seeing her to this day.
At the time, I didn’t realize what I had done that night I went to the couch. A few months later, on a night that I went out with some of my friends, I came home to my wife asleep and a letter on my computer keyboard. She wrote about how much I hurt her that night, and how rocky our relationship had become over time. I read the letter, and reread it. I was shocked and really hurt that she thought our relationship had gotten so rocky. I realized reading the letter just what I had done that night I slept on the couch. I left her. I abandoned her for my own selfish sleep. I felt awful. The next day we talked about the letter. It was the first time in a very, very long time that I had cried. We talked about a lot, from the night I slept on the couch, to me finally telling her that I had never really wanted her to be a cop. We were both emotionally drained by the end.
Things seemed to get better after that talk. We started talking more, doing more things, and just generally seemed more happy together. But that only lasted so long. Earlier this year, I noticed that she started withdrawing from me. She would never say “I love you” first, only when I said it, and even then it seemed more of a reply than an affirmation of love. I confronted her about this one day, and we had another talk. She said that although some things had gotten better, there were still a lot of things that weren’t where she wanted them to be. So we talked about those things, and agreed to work on them. I tried my hardest to do all the things that she wanted us to work on. I tried everything. I even went along with her to one of her counseling sessions, at her and the counselor’s request, but I felt very uncomfortable. I had never been to a counseling session before, and being a person who doesn’t outwardly express a lot of emotion or feeling, it felt awkward and forced.
It is kind of strange how our relationship was. At some times, it was like things were ok, not great, but good. We laughed, we talked, we did things together and it felt great. But most of the time, it seemed like we were just two people in the same house. And there was a tension on the air. I tried, I really did, to bring the better times out as much as possible. Making jokes, poking/tickling her to try to instigate something (although that just seemed to tick her off), cuddling at night. But often it didn’t work. I couldn’t pull the wedge out from between us enough. At first I tried convincing myself that I did, but that just made it worse when I realized that I hadn’t.
At the beginning of this year I found out about an opportunity to go overseas and work for two months in Bangladesh. I discussed it with her, and she encouraged me to go, saying that it was a great opportunity to see and do new things in a place that you normally wouldn’t visit. So I volunteered to go. I left in mid-April and we were unfortunately on one of the phases where things were not going right. I knew I was going to miss her. But nothing prepared me for that first night. I could never have guessed just how much I would miss her. When I laid down that first night, it hit me. I realized for the next 8 weeks, the person that I love wouldn’t there beside me, and it was the worst feeling in the world. I lost it. I just started crying, and I couldn’t stop. We had been apart for a few nights before, but the length of this stay and being halfway across the world, I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t handle the thought of being away from her for so long. That night reaffirmed to me how much I love her, that I needed her, and didn’t want to live without her.
So I decided that I needed to be proactive in working on the relationship. I always just assumed that things would work themselves out. I thought we could fix things on our own, that with time and talking, things would be ok. But after that first night in Bangladesh, I knew I couldn’t take a chance on that not happening. I couldn’t risk us trying to do it on our own and failing. So I looked into counselors and marriage counseling in general online. After looking through some things, I knew that I wanted to do it. I told her about my desire to do it, and she agree to take the names of counselors I had found online and look into them. I was really looking forward to coming back and working through things, and hopefully keeping our marriage on track.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way. Two days before I was to come home, I got an email saying that something had come up and that she couldn’t pick me up at the airport. After the email, she wouldn’t answer any video/voice chats, text chats, or emails. I started to freak out a bit. I flew back home June 15th. After my 19.5 hours in a plane back to the States, I took a taxi home from the airport. Once I got there, I found that she had moved out most of her personal belongings while I was out of the country. She left a note saying that she wanted to meet for coffee that afternoon. At our coffee meeting, she told me that she wanted a divorce, that she just doesn’t love me anymore. She had moved into an apartment across town, and put a retainer on a divorce lawyer. I was crushed. I was expecting to come home to her and for us to start working toward a better marriage, not to come home after eight weeks to an empty house and a request for divorce. I started to lose it. I asked her to go to marriage counseling instead of getting a divorce, like I thought we had planned, but she refused, saying that her mind was made up.
Two days later she came to the house and we started dividing up our shared items, furniture, dvds, paintings, etc. It was all too fast for me, I was still trying to grasp what was happening. But she had moved into an unfurnished apartment and said she needed the stuff. It hurt so bad to see the last ten years of our lives divided up like that, the memories that we had, the home we had built together. At the end of her visit, it had all become too much for me. I asked her again to go to counseling, instead of heading towards divorce. I told her if she wanted to move out, have some space, that was ok, I just wanted to work on our relationship, to fight for our marriage. That just irritated her, and she left, saying she couldn’t handle my roller coaster emotions.
She came back the next day (yesterday) to pack some more things up. I had been out fishing, trying to keep myself busy and to think and clear my head. She was already at the house when I returned, packing all of her remaining belongings into boxes. Again, I felt miserable the whole time, as she split our lives into piles and boxes. But I didn’t lose it this time. Sure, I cried off and on, as we came across something that reminded me of a good time or a particularly meaningful memory. But I didn’t beg her to stay, I didn’t beg for counseling. We even shared a snack and a beer. And then she left, and I completely broke down again.
This morning she came with a U-haul van and movers, to take her part of the furniture and the rest of her belongings. I couldn’t stay in the house to watch, so I took a walk, and then sat outside across from our house. The house feels so empty now. This feels so final. Aside from the pictures of us that I kept, it’s like she was never here. It’s so lonely. This evening she is coming over to take two of the three cats, one of which is my favorite cat that we have had since he was born.
She still hasn’t given me a real reason for leaving and wanting a divorce. All she has said is that she doesn’t love me anymore. But there has to be a reason. People don’t just fall out of love and refuse to try and fix things without a reason. She has told me there is no other man, and after ten years of being together, and knowing the type of person she is, I believe her. I don’t believe she would do that. But, as crazy as it sounds, I almost wish it was another man. At least that way I would know why, instead of sitting here wondering where things went wrong, what I could have done better, how she can stop loving me when I love her with all of my heart and soul. Wondering what happened to “Til Death Do Us Part.”
I don’t know where to go from here. I feel lost. I found myself just wandering around the house the other night, not sure what to do with myself. I am going to try and keep myself busy and doing things, because the moment I stop and sit and think, I start losing it again. And I’ve decided to go and see a counselor, because I don’t think I can deal with this on my own. I ordered DR and it should be here today, so I will start reading that as well, a hopefully I can get through this. And I have to hope that maybe she’ll remember what we meant to one another, and how happy we were, and hopefully she’ll want that back.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Welcome and sorry to find yu hear with us. We all know your pain and if you read my thread I also got the ILYBINILWY (get to know the abbreviations we use them alot. there is a thread)
Your wife is a Walk Away Wife (WAW) youtube that WAW syndrome and Michelle Weirner Davis...she has a great video explaining everything.
Cadet usually sends this out but here is our first welcome message:
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Then read these next rules, memorize and apply them. Read and get hope from these threads some like Sandi2 and Starsky and 25 have all made it back to reconciliation.
It is the toughest hell you will ever go through but you can fight your way to being a better you and maybe even saving your marriage. Hang in there
Well, she is completely moved out. The house feels so empty now. She still hasn't really given me a why, or what triggered her leaving so suddenly, but at this point I am not asking anymore. If she's going to tell me, she'll tell me when she's ready.
I'm trying to stay busy, and I finished reading DR yesterday. Going to focus on keeping myself going and working on some of the techniques in the book, especially not pursuing.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
nova its very hard, but you have one advantage over some of us..this is fresh, don't do all the wrong things I did in the beginning of my journey. I wish I found the books and this site back then. I take a couple of days to plan out your DB and get to work!!!!! im here for ya!!!
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
No time to really reply right now, but I can say that one night of sleeping on the couch because she was keeping you awake (and you couldn't help her feel better, even though you tried) is not a deal-breaking event.
It sounds like you were as supportive as you knew how to be. Did you do it "right" as far as she was concerned? Probably not. But we are not mind-readers, as much as WE ALL HERE WISH WE WERE!
(No need for DBing then!)
Unless she TOLD you exactly what she wanted/needed and you said "Forget that, I'm going to sleep on the couch", well, then that's kind of cold. And it doesn't sound like that's what happened.
I'll have to re-read and in the absence of sage advice (leave that to the vets) I will at least try and lend an ear and maybe some food for thought.
Hang in there, nova.
You're in the best place you can be to get a handle on things right away.
It ain't over 'til it's over. And even then sometimes it still ain't over!
--GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
So last night I went over to her apartment (at her request) to talk about coming up with an agreement about our joint money. She made dinner for us, and before and during dinner everything was ok. I put on my "I'm OK" face and we talked about work, what we had been up, etc. We didn't talk about the relationship and I didn't try to pull up any memories or anything like that (doing my best to follow DR and the rules). Even the discussion about money went ok, which could have turned into a mess, but we came to an agreement that both she and I believe is fair. After our discussion we started some more small talk, and that was when something I hadn't counted on occurred.
I asked her how her parents were doing. Her parents and I have always gotten along well and we all like each other a lot. She responded that they were doing ok, but that this was a lot for them to process since she never really shared with them any of the issues that we had and that they always thought that our marriage was fine. And then I slipped up, and said that it was a lot for me to process to because she never really told me about any of the issues that she had with our marriage. As soon as I said it, I knew I shouldn't have. I was expecting her to get annoyed and defensive. But to my surprise, she didn't. And although she didn't go so far as to explicitly say it, she seemed to agree with that she hadn't communicated her feelings about the issues she saw in the relationship.
Hearing this, I would have thought that I would have felt validated in my feelings, or relieved to know that all of this wasn't my fault. But I didn't feel any of that. Instead, I felt an emotion I wasn't prepared to feel. I was angry. Soon after, I excused myself to go home so that I could get things together for the next day and go to sleep. I didn't say anything about what I felt. But on the drive home, I just felt more and more angry, and I'm still angry today.
I'm angry that she moved out while I was overseas on business. I'm angry that after eight weeks away from her, during which I missed her so much, that I came home to an empty house and an "I don't love you anymore." I'm angry that she is giving up on our marriage/relationship without a fight, throwing away the last 9.5 years we were together. And mostly, I'm angry that she never gave us a chance. She kept all of her thoughts and feelings about what she thought was wrong with the relationship to herself. How was I supposed to know what I needed to work on, what we needed to work on together, if she didn't tell me? Instead, she let her bad feelings fester, and it killed our relationship and her love for me.
I really, really want to tell her this, but after reading DR and the 37 rules, I know that's probably not a good thing to do. After feeling sad and alone the past week and a half, I wasn't prepared to feel angry. I guess that it's something that will pass with time too.
We've pretty much concluded our discussions about the logistics of the divorce (minus the house and retirement accounts, which will come later and I don't know that I feel comfortable just talking it out between us) and she has completely moved out. I think at this point I just need some space. I need to be away from her for a while, to get my head straight and focus on me for a while. I need to get off my emotional roller coaster.
Sorry if my posts seem a bit rambly, I tend to just go stream of thought when I write. It's just kind of how it comes out, and writing my thoughts out has seemed to help me.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Don't blame you for feeling angry. You seem to have been blindsided by this.
Were there any tell-tale clues that she was this unhappy? Sometimes with space, you can look back and start to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
You did a good job of controlling yourself and staying calm during your talk with her. Keep reading over Sandi's 37 rules and memorize them, they will definately help.
Lastly, hang in there. This is going to be a tough road but you can do it. We all remember the feeling of the bomb and the first few weeks afterwards. Gut-wrenching is the only way to describe it. Chin up.
I think you will both be in a better place over the next few weeks. None of us LBS feel that our WAS ever let us know they were unhappy. However, odds are they were screaming it in the past but we just never heard it. They do not just up and leave for no reason. Reading DR and this forum will really help you come to grips with that. Once you start understanding your own role in your M failing will you be able to work on those issues as well as begin to let the anger subside with your W and understand how she got to where she is now.
Believe me I and every other LBS knows EXACTLY what you are feeling. We have all been there. The best advice I can give you is to listen to the people here who have already walked the path you are currently on. They will offer you wisdom and insight with the true intent of helping you reach your ultimate goal.
Best of luck to you.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Don't get me wrong, I fully admit that I likely had plenty to do with the marriage failing. I just wish that she had actually talked to me about her issues. I will be the first to admit that I am horrible at picking up on subtle hints and actions, which is not a good thing, I know.
My brother got married yesterday and I was the best man. That was pretty rough to get through, especially when they played in the groomsmen to the song that my W walked down the aisle to. But I put on my happy face and tried to have the best time I could.
I got some books to read to keep me busy and have been going out to hang out with friends. I am starting to work out again (first time since college really) and try to get myself in better shape. I've been wanting to do it for a while, but just never found the time.
I have a question that I would like an opinion on from some of those that have been through this. In the book and the 37 rules, it's says to stop saying "I love you" which I have done. But what about my wedding ring? I have continued to wear it because I am still wanting to be married, but does her seeing that have the same effect as saying "I love you?" Or what about photos of us, which I have kept out? I don't want to let go of these things yet as I still want things between us to work out, but I also don't want to negatively affect her when I see her or she stops by the house for something.
Me: 28 W: 28 Together: 9.5 years Married: 4 years Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
It's been asked many times. I asked myself the same thing when I started going out with new friends GAL.
Personally, I am standing by my M, and all that means, so I always wear my ring. I am M until I am not.
Wearing your ring is much different that saying "I love you." When you say that, there is the implied pressure of the returned "I love you, too." Your W isn't able to do that right now. The ring doesn't apply the same pressure.
There is really no telling what your ring means to your W. It may reassure her that you are there, or it may bother her that you are still there. And so, as you will hear many times here, you must not worry about what she thinks, or do anything to try to alter how she thinks, simply because you cannot.
If you want to wear your ring, wear it. If you don't, then don't. Just be sure that you are comfortable with whatever you are trying to say by wearing or not wearing it.
