7.5 months ago my fairy-tale marriage of 18 years took a major nose dive. My 42 year old husband returned from a business trip to tell me that he and a 30-year old married co-worker had started a "friendship." He thought that his honesty with me would mean that it wasn't cheating, and he also thought that I would be happy that he was so happy! He claimed he had always wanted diversity in our marriage (although he never wanted/wants me to have the same diversity).
Anyway - as he continued to explain to me that I had always over-romanticized our relationship (what?) and he thought he should buy his friend a computer ("she needs one to correspond with me!") and a car ("her car is so crummy!") I realized that this was not the sane, rational man that I had married. MLC? Seemed like it. In addition to this lovely new "friend" (with whom the relationship has become physical), he was struggling with the loss of his libido, fear of losing his parents, many physical aches and pains, and disapproval of his body image. (He didn't buy her a computer or a car, btw....)
Over the last 7.5 months I've made the resolution to stand for my marriage, but sometimes I think I'm losing my marbles. We have two kids who are teenagers and awesome. They wonder sometimes, "What's up with Daddy," especially when he's acting strangely. Otherwise, I think they're pretty in the dark. They know I'm depressed.
I've done many, many things incorrectly. I've told him to end the relationship more than once (never with an "or else,"). I've definitely cried in front of him. I've DEFINITELY become depressed and shell-shocked. When he asked how he could get his happy wife back, I told him that he would have to end the relationship with the OW. (This was back in December, and his reaction to that was, "But it would make her sad!")
The ride is a roller coaster. He has told me that he is less happy now than he was a year ago. He hates that I consider him a liar (he has definitely hidden the truth from me which is a GIANT change from our relationship before all of this happened). He still sometimes tells me that he wishes that he could talk to me about his relationship with OW (absolutely not). He talks about our future all the time, and has never asked for a divorce...so in that way he's not like many of the MLCers. About 6 weeks ago he put a self-imposed travel ban for work on himself....and he said he was much happier being at home with the family. That said, today he is on a trip in the UK, and she's there, too. Knowing that neither one of them have to return at night to a spouse is making my stomach curdle.
I made some boundaries early on...No texting her while I was in the room (family public spaces like the kitchen or the family room). He followed that. When she was traveling to our city he was to still come home to his family at the same time of night (rather than hang out with her) - and he did that, too. I wasn't sure what to do about physical boundaries, because that's something that's been shifting over time. Initially it was just an EA. Then they kissed. Then they stopped kissing. Now I think they're physical again. If I'm not supposed to ask, how do I make physical boundaries? Do they just push him away? I've recently been tested since I was suspicious about his behavior...I've come up clean still.
Other things that I'm doing right....I've taken up yoga, which is lovely. I have reached out to a few friends and discovered I have an amazing network of people who understand why I'm standing for my marriage and help me get through some really tough days. I started therapy, but I'm not sure I love my therapist. I've never done therapy before, and I sort of feel like I'm spinning my wheels there. My therapist basically nods and tells me I'm doing great, but if that's true, why am I still walking to the back corner of my back yard and sobbing from time to time? (He hates the fact that I'm in therapy, and thinks that I should be able to talk to him about why I'm so sad. Whenever I cave and tell him about what's on my mind he goes totally silent for about 24 hours. It's been several weeks since we tried that...)
SO - in reading about MLC in DR, it looks like I'm doing the right thing by being patient and I've stopped making demands. (I skipped ahead to the chapter on MLC in The Divorce Remedy.) I need to figure out the lovingly distance part, since one of his gripes is that I didn't pay enough attention to him before this, and that I always prioritized the kids. How do I show that I'm willing to work on that and happy to enjoy doing things with him, just not while he's got this piece on the side? And is there any information about the transition out of MLC? I sort of wonder if I will know that he's moving out of it because at that point he will ask me how I am doing rather than just report on how he is doing. (The selfishness of MLC is just astonishing. Sometimes it feels like I have three teenagers.)
Any thoughts on how to just get through the next few days while he's "working" with OW? He is likely to message me throughout the day...He always gets upset that I become "cold" before his business trips. Frankly, I think he's projecting his own guilt onto me. Anyway - not really sure how to 180 the messaging on the trip, other than NOT respond If I could figure out how to do that in a lovingly distant without appearing cold or apologetic, I would do it! I don't jump on every message the second it comes in, but early on he told me he liked corresponding with her because she was so attentive to him and made him feel great. No duh!
Lastly, special thanks to my HS roommate who steered me to these books. She's a therapist in TX and has done workshops with Michele. I'm so glad she referred me to these books. They make sense and give me hope.
I read and re-read the section about MLC in DR....I'm confused and need some clarification.
My husband had an EA that turned into PA with a co-worker. In May he said he would "end it" and stopped traveling to the city where she lives. That was about six weeks ago. But as I mentioned before, they're both in the same city right now which is making me sick.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does. Got it. It's likely he didn't end it as he told me he would.
So....the DR books suggest not to talk about the affair. Don't ask questions. Don't snoop. Don't confront. Don't beg, don't cry.....Doing these things will only push him toward the OP. I've seen that in action, I know that's what happens...so, okay. Check that box. New goal for me is to not talk about the OW or the affair. Also, don't talk about OUR relationship.
One of his complaints has been that I didn't used to spend enough time with him or attention to him. I was too focused on the kids. Okay - I get that. I'll even own that--it's true.
So - in this very bizarre place right now....how do I sort this out? Act nice and pleasant and as if nothing is wrong, when things are wrong. Talking to him about OP has only sent him into dark silences for days. But acting nice and pleasant isn't really representative of where I am right now, either. He sends me messages telling me that he loves me and he wants to take me on trips to Europe (where he is now)....believe none of what he says, though....right?
This requires patience, I get it. But if I'm supposed to ignore the behavior, how do I set boundaries around it?
I've been trying to come up with baby step goals for me to work on. Like - I'd like for us to say good night to each other every night. We used to - we don't anymore. I figured that's a baby of enough step to take. Other goals include "Fidelity and honesty" - clearly not a baby step. That's a broad, overarching goal. I'd like for him to apologize for the infidelity, but that's got to happen if/when this crazy is over. That could be years away according to what I know about MLC.
We used to have so much fun together, and I'd like to have fun again. Right now I don't trust him, so it's hard to have fun. There's an element of fake it til you make it...I'll go to dinner with him, or a movie...It's awkward, but it's better than the nothing that we used to do. Are those baby steps?
Really trying to figure out how to lovingly distance myself from a man who thought I had distanced myself from him...I think it's important to do so, since I want him to return to ME and just me...but my head is spinning since my previous behavior had left him missing something before.
Ah...it's not my fault, but it is my fault. Love is a choice, fidelity is a choice....
Head is spinning.....
He comes home in a few days, and then we go to a family reunion. Gah. I feel like Alice in Wonderland and nothing makes sense. Seriously - this is its own special kind of hell.
When dealing with affairs, you cannot bring up the affair. You don't talk about it because it simply pushes them away further. You can't make demands about it. You just have to let it run its course.
My husband's affair was EA, then it became PA, then EA again, then PA again (whee! Roller coaster!). The OW is married, her husband is in the dark (he was suspicious, but I guess she convinced him that nothing was going on because she tells H that her husband is okay with them being friends and being alone together).
I do not know what the current status is. I've stopped asking, per the DR rules. About six weeks ago H put a self-imposed moratorium on travel to her city, about which he would occasionally grumble was bad for his job. (Not my problem....Wasn't my request....He did that all by himself.)
That said...what do I do with an H who still wants to be lovey dovey with me? If I withdraw, he gets mad at me for being "cold." If I play along, then I'm allowing cake eating. How do I make myself the gold bar that he realizes he really wants without talking about the relationship?
Our sexual relationship in the past was very active - I don't think we ever turned one another away. To do so now would be incredibly weird. H also continues to plan "dates" for us...He takes me out to dinner far more often now than he used to. He wants to go on a trip together in August (having just gone away with me in February and in May). I don't know if guilt is driving this behavior or if he's trying to keep me from detaching. He knows the affair is making me crazy, and this makes him very angry and depressed.
My biggest issue is clearly detaching. I don't know how to do it without tipping our cards to the two kids, who still think that everything is stable and normal in our house. I could move into a different bedroom, or ask him to leave the house, but I'm not ready to call for separation or divorce. I don't want those things, and the DR book says that this is a Last Resort where you have to be sure you could live with either option.
Thoughts? Is there a way to do this without upending the apple cart for the kids? Or do I just keep settling into this yoga pose and breathing through the discomfort...Waiting out the affair?
He sent me a message from the UK last night a 5:50 asking if I was awake. I probably screwed up when my response was, "Are you meaning to message me?" (In theory, he could have been messaging anyone from work who is on that side of the pond...not just OW.) He responded, "Strange question?" I replied, "For you or for me?" He responded again, "For you." And I said, "Ha! Well, it's 5:50 here, so I thought it was a strange question!" He said he'd forgotten about the time. (sigh)
The worst part is just not trusting him anymore. Good heavens, I would love to get that part of my life back.
The whole point of DB is not to win back a spouse. It is to work on yourself to become a spouse only a fool would leave. I would continue to give your H space and let him work through his MLC. In the mean time work on yourself. You said he had asked how he can get his happy wife back. Well, work on making yourself happy. If you are sad and depressed he is not going to want to be with you. You have an opportunity to be someone he cannot live without. Think back to when you two first met and how you were. Try and become that person again.
I am sure some people with more MLC experience will chime in soon, but in the mean time keep your head up and best of luck to you!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
The whole point of DB is not to win back a spouse. It is to work on yourself to become a spouse only a fool would leave.
Yeah. I'm really stuck in my own head right now. I have spent so long being the great wife and great mom and I'm so shellshocked that I can't get out of my own way.
Need to find something else to do.
Considering volunteering at the local animal shelter!
There ya go! I know what you mean about not being able to get out of your own way. You will find most people here have shared the same emotions you are going through so they really understand how you feel. I found it super helpful to read older threads in here. From start to finish. It lets me see how things could possibly progress for me. Amazingly many of the stories all follow a similar pattern. Learn from what others have done right and try to avoid what they did wrong.
Post often and post in other people's threads so they get to know you and read your story, and thereby offer support to you.
Best of luck!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I am sorry that you suddenly find yourself in this situation. However, thankfully you have wonderful support from the online community, Michele's books and friends. But, you still have so many questions that need real pro-marriage answers. Please call a Divorce Busting coach to help you sort this out. You mentioned that your therapist is giving you sympathy, but, not any real strategies or time proven methods. That's what you need right now. You need to act fast and with the knowledge that what you say and do is correct. In additon to getting the support and guidance every step of the way as you go through this marriage saving process. I urge you call me, so that we may discuss the Divorce Busting coaching program 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
Phew....It's night time over in Europe. This is normally when H and I talk to one another, and have talked to one another every night for the last two weeks.
Tonight he is silent.
And I'm letting him be silent.
But, of course, I fear he is silent because he is with OW, who was in the UK this week for work as well.
There's nothing I can do about this. And, a new behavior for me would be to NOT confront him about my fear that he's with her.
Another new behavior (per the DR book) will be for me to be calm and pleasant when he returns on Monday. I'm going to have to dig deep for that, too.
Where have people gotten the strength to do this? Seriously?
