Stop talking about your R with him. You are making it worse by doing so. I understand that you feel like he is abandoning you, but it seems when you say stuff about it, you are only making him angry and defensive. You dont want to be walked on, I get that. I dont either.
You have a few things here working for you too though that you might not realize.
1. He cares enough to try to "lie" to you about the OW. You still dont know if he is done with her or not. You just think you know.
2."It's not what I want"- thats a direct quote from him. It doesnt sound like this is a permanent decision from him at all. Youre going to push it to be permanent though.
3." In doing this, I have realized that I still love you and will remain loving you no matter what. My feelings are hurt too"-another direct quote from him. Give him some space to figure this out. It isnt going to happen overnight.
You didnt screw it up, but you need to stop pushing him now. The more you push him, the more he is going to go the other way. Talk to him in a civil tone about anything other than your R unless he brings that up.
And what are these 2 issues that he remembers dealing with?
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Thanks Ben! I'm really not sure what the 2 issues are. I'm assuming from previous relationship talks that he needs more affection. And the other is a guess but he says he was not prepared to have baby #3. He says he felt like he should have had more of a say. But baby #3 was a suprise. He knew I wasn't on bc. I was assuming we were both kind of ambivalent about it. "If it happens, it happens" We definitely have communication issues.
He's also said in conversations that "he feels its almost like he needs to teach me a lesson." And I just didnt know how good I had it.
Should I still try to sign these papers so we have some consistency? Because right now it's very much - he will be here unless something better is going on. I can't make plans for myself to GAL. Because of the kid issues. He always waits until last minute to say when he will be here.
By the way- he works 3 hours away during the week living a bachelor lifestyle all week. He will not quit his job. And doesn't want our family to be down there either. I'm not sure if he will just decide to be dad & husband full time one day.
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
He's also said in conversations that "he feels its almost like he needs to teach me a lesson." And I just didnt know how good I had it.
Thats very childish, but to me it would say that he isnt done, maybe thinks that he is opening your eyes to something.
Should I still try to sign these papers so we have some consistency?
If you think that you need to have it in writing to make sure that he sees the kids then yes. I guess the flipside of that is that he will get to realize what it will be like if you are D. Not sure thats the right way to go with it if that is the motive though.
How sure are you of this OW situation? He seems to be sticking to her not existing. Most of the WAS on here dont bother lying about it because they dont care anymore. Is it possible that he got another cell phone for a different reason? Not sure what that reason would be but Im just asking. I know that in these situations alot of us ASSUME things that we think of. For example: I thought that my W was hiding something from me because she had soem videos that she had taken at a party at her sister's house of some guys. She uploaded them to her email and they werent on her phone anymore. When she realized that I had access to her email she quickly deleted them. So of course I got pretty upset thinking that she was seeing one of those guys and thats why she had the videos and wanted to keep them. It eventually came up in conversation. I asked her about them and why she deleted them. She laughed and told me that it was because they were drinking in the videos and her parents are super Christian. Her sister thought that I would show her parents the videos to get back at her and asked her to delete them. She told me that she would never be attracted to any of those guys which I believe because 1) she doesnt lie to me 2) she likes older guys and they were much younger. So Im just making sure that this isnt one of those situations for you that you might be "making" yourself believe that it is something that it isnt.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
OW definitely exists. In my previous posts I saw the text messages between them. Then he said she was a friend & they were hanging out & she was someone he could talk to. During MC on Friday he admitted he took her on vacation with him 2 weeks ago to the Fl Keys and she stayed in his room and his bed and they only kissed.
Last edited by Sam3; 06/26/1403:04 AM. Reason: Wording
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
Sorry to hear that. Im sure that hurts. The good news is that most A's fizzle out within 6 months. I personally wouldnt want someone after that, but I can understand how someone else would. And who knows, maybe if it happens to me, I will change my mind. He is clearly lying about only kissing her. Im sorry but Im sure you feel the same way. I would never spend 2 weeks with someone in my bed and then only kiss her. But he is telling you now that he is done with her right?
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Sorry - I edited post, it was 2 weeks ago. He was away for 2 nights. Yes, I know he is lying about the kissing only.
He keeps insisting he is not in a "relationship" with anyone. Clearly we all have different definitions of relationship. His is - if he is not telling someone he loves them & committed to them, then they are just "hanging out."
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
Are you willing to accept him back if that proves to be true? Im just wondering. If so then it might be a good thing for you that he doesnt consider that a relationship. Maybe he doesnt really care about her at all. I know that I have done that a time or 2. I didnt go into it being a a$$hole or anything, it just turned out that I really didnt end up caring about them when I got into it further. I think your sitch has plenty of hope if you are willing to do the work that it will require.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I'm very torn. I want to believe that he's telling truth. (But believe none of what they say) I gave him the opportunity to tell me for 3 weeks in a row. That I saw the texts coming in, before I told him I knew about her. Then he told me that he told her last week that he was ending their "friendship."
Because, I told him that I had personal boundaries and texting her 15 times a day from our family home was disrespectful. I told him to do what he wants down there, that I have no control over him. But, not in front of our children & me. I told him I wanted proof by checking phone bill that he wasn't doing it in the weekends he is here.
He said he felt like I was pressuring him to work things in marriage out. Or else i was going to restrict when he could see the kids. I told him "No. But you aren't going to be texting this woman while sitting on our couch."
But, then to see he goes and buys another cell phone. It's crazy the effort he is going thru to keep this going. Seems like there is more there than just a friend he talks to.
Oh, he also locks his phone & iPad in his car at night along with his keys. And uses the door code to open the car. Which he knows I don't know code.
H:40 Me:35 D5 S4 S3 months Married 8 years Together 17 years BD: 5/23/2014
It's all very confusing, isn't it? I never, ever thought my H would have an affair. I also never, ever thought that I would stay with someone who did have an affair. But my H did (or is having one) and here I am. Having kids, having history with one another...it all becomes terribly, terribly complex.
And, at least in my case, I do actually love this man. I'm angry and hurt and sad....but I love him. I'm sitting back watching this craziness unfold, knowing that it's making him unhappy (he's even said so...he tries to explain that this is not fun and that it makes him feel badly, but she also makes him feel great about himself.) When I read articles about men in MLC and how the younger chippy makes him feel alive and immortal and sexy and strong, I think, "Yep - that's my H. That's exactly what this woman is doing to him. I can see that would be addictive and feel great. I wish he didn't need it outside of our relationship, and I wish he had given this woman boundaries long before she got close enough to show him that she would make him feel that way...but wishing doesn't do a darned thing about where we actually are..."
Phew..,it's all a mess. I'm sorry that you're in it, too.
