I was pretty focused on validating all of her points. I'll get back at it and pare it down a lot. I agree it's too long. Just trying to make sure I acknowledge my mistakes, keep the road paved, and maintain my boundaries for our R going forward (I.e if there is an OM involved we will not be friends). Tricky to do, and also want to make sure she feels listened too. Back to work
Glad you got all that down and out of your system, Dev. In addition to what Wonka is suggesting - and her suggestion will likely negate mine - I'd try to really limit the number of times you repeat the same validating phrases (i.e. "It must be very tough/difficult/hard"). While those ARE good phrases to use when validating, when we use them too often, they come across as "coached" and insincere.
But I think most of that will be taken care of automatically when you really crunch down the response.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Dev; I agree with Train regarding all the "that must be difficult" phrases. It's a good start. I would have done the same thing addressing each issue one at a time, but I like Wonka's suggestion to paring it down to salient points. I think it's good to build her self-esteem early in the response so she's propelled to keep reading. Most importantly, speak from your heart, but don't wear it on your sleeve.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Thanks for checking in! I'm doing ok. Been an interesting few days here. I have to do an update. And post my final draft. Thanks for all the advice from everyone, I've shortened it up a lot. I'm planning for tonight, tomorrow at the latest. If I get back from my GAL early enough tonight, I'll post.
First bit of an update. Wednesday night was my first contact with W for any prolonged period of time. Kept it light and easy, and then she started into a discussion about when she could get time away. I offered the Friday night. She complained it wasn't long enough, and started to get very upset about how little time she is getting away. I sat down on the couch, STFU, and listened to her vent. Then I spoke, echoing whet she was asking. It has to mostly do with the schedule for the weekends, when the kids are in activities. I know from when I was snooping that OM is really frustrated with lack of time etc, and they are having problems. My W asked if I had even read the letter she sent.
This gave me a chance to verbally address some of the issues, and I told her I would be sending a response. I just emphasized how tough and overwhelming running the household must have been, especially if she felt she was doing it on her own. Nothing else was really discussed, and we agreed on the times for the weekend.
Forward to the next day, W has the kids for most of the day, but they stay at my house at night. When I get home from work, I have a text message that I don't respond to. Then she calls me, and tells me she is unfit to be a mom, is unable to handle the kids in public, and tells me about how horrible the last two days have been when she has had the kids. She tells me a neighbour 300 feet away came by in the day to see if she was ok, and said she could hear her yelling from her house, and wanted to make sure the kids were ok. My nanny wasn't here at this time.
I spoke with her for a few minutes, emphasizing how it must be tough to feel like you are a horrible mom, and just listened. Then as soon as I could, I got off the phone. I did point out I do not think she is a horrible mom, using examples of great things she has done in the past. She was feeling judged by everyone, our neighbour, people at the grocery store.
In short, the pattern of feeling judged and inadequate to do her role is always coming to the surface. In the past I always attempted to negate this or argue this, and now I realize I needed to be supportive in a different way and help her realize and fight her demons herself with tools. I only wish we had done more IC earlier.
I will post my draft tomorrow morning, but I'm late for my movie now.
Okay, here is my draft, bit of a rough night tonight. Inadvertently came across email where my W stated the M was over and was asking for advice on how to divide up assets. I know that is obviously how she feels, because that's how she is acting. Just hurts, a lot. A kick in the ass for me though. Anyways, here is my letter. I'm not sure if I should mention anything about wanting a relationship, I'm sure she knows that already. Also not sure if I should talk about bit being friends, don't want to be threatening. Am I keeping the road paved? There's enough roadblocks already on it
Dear WAW,
Thank you for sending me your email. I appreciated the insight you provided for me. It is apparent that running the household with the lifestyle we had and the number of things we had going on was both overwhelming and incredibly difficult. I think you did a great job and I am sorry that you did not feel you had my full support and backing with the parenting of our children, and the way in which we ran our house. I'm sorry that I didn't listen as well as I should have. These are regrets for me.
The last several months have allowed me to realize what is important to me and what I value in my life. I have been afforded the opportunity to become closer with my children, and I have realized I have made several mistakes. I plan to utilize the new tools I have for communication, and the lifestyle changes I am making are permanent.
Going forward, it was my hope to be able to create a new relationship with you, as our old marriage was not functional. I understand you need to have your own space and identity, and support in order to realize your full potential. The sacrifice you made to start our family will always be remembered. A healthy WAW is integral to the well being of everyone in this family.
I understand that your intentions and wishes are different than mine, and I respect them, as we both move forward. While a divorce is not what I would like to happen, I will not stand in the way of your wishes. While we will not be friends in this new chapter of our lives, I want to ensure we communicate effectively for the kids well being.
Movie was great, but seems like ages ago after last night. So the email was sent to a L, and she is meeting with the lawyer on July 2. The email and meeting with L were scheduled to occur before she sent me the long email. She sent the email and spoke with the L on the Wed before sending the email to me on the Sunday. She wrote the email to me on her way to see the OM. Last night, when I picked up the kids, she told me she would be downtown, inferring for me to stay away because she was with the OM. Anyways, that is irrelevant, but that may be why my draft changed a lot . I wished I could have got a sitter and gone downtown with friends. Nothing like feeling ostracized in your own city. That's on me though.
