Thank you for the info! I'm not agreeing to the S at all despite how nice the terms may seem. I have thought about the liability on the new build; hence, why I have not signed anything. Frankly, I don't want to sign because i know it will just expedite the entire process. I had my pastor (who was a former Navy JAG) look it over and he says it's pretty straight forward but to have a practicing attorney still look it over.
My reason for considering is really just weakness in me. I'm fed up with his verbal lashings, temper, and blaming everything on me that I want to raise the white flag. I know I shouldn't but man it's tempting.
I'm learning to validate. I didn't realize this is what I was missing in our convo. I thought that by listening really meant just shut up and listen. All that crap... just brutal. I can't stop myself from shedding a tear. If not in front of him, i hide in the bathroom. You are correct about the listening part though. He needs more empathy from me and this is the hardest thing for me to do. I don't know why but I find it a task to put myself in his shoes when he's berating me. Something about hearing a man whine and complain just turns me off.
How does one resist not to snoop? I have this nagging voice that something is going on at the workplace but I can't confirm and nor has he shared anything. Truthfully, I don't know that he will ever come clean. He's been spending a lot of time at work. He makes certain that he wears cologne everyday which is different from his previous behavior. The cologne was reserved for me and he didn't care about wearing it to work.
I'm going out of town for several weeks and i'm wondering if this will be his opportunity to pursue something outside the M. My mind keeps spiraling and I can't resist the urge to find out more. If this is truly the end of our M then I want closure. However, I have a feeling he will never confess. Would it be wrong for me to ask his coworker to be my eyes and ears? What would be the best way to handle this?
How does one resist not to snoop? I have this nagging voice that something is going on at the workplace but I can't confirm and nor has he shared anything. Truthfully, I don't know that he will ever come clean. He's been spending a lot of time at work. He makes certain that he wears cologne everyday which is different from his previous behavior. The cologne was reserved for me and he didn't care about wearing it to work.
Oh, resisting the urge to snoop is tough. I think of a couple of things related to that:
1. What do you hope to accomplish by snooping? Do you expect to find an affair (EA or PA)? If you did find out either way... How would that effect you and the path you take?
2. You sound like a person of strong faith, I would simply suggest when you get the urge to snoop.... Pray for comfort and strength until the urge passes.
Originally Posted By: CMF
Would it be wrong for me to ask his coworker to be my eyes and ears?
Yes it would be VERY WRONG.
Originally Posted By: CMF
What would be the best way to handle this?
You need to begin to detach from him (in a loving way). Pray to God to help him with wisdom, patience and to soften his heart.
Furthermore, re read the part on LRT. Live every line of it.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
It's a moment of weakness. I woke up and it began with one negative thought that spiraled. I did surrender to prayer and yes it helped. So, thank you!
I feel like he's leaving me in the dark. What am I saying...of course he is! I made it very clear to him that I will not tolerate infidelity in our M. If I did find evidence it would relieve the burden of failure on my part. Then I can prepare myself mentally and decide if I want to continue fighting or if it's time to throw in the towel. No, I would not be happy about it. It would be devastating. Except, now the truth is out. It will provide some kind of closure. Of course, my staying would greatly depend on how willing he is to work on things.
I've read many success stories from marriages that have survived affairs. While I'm hopeful for those, it would take a miracle or a sincere effort on his part to keep me from leaving. I've lived that part in my first and second marriage and have watched my mom go through it. It's no picnic and I will not put my kids through that again.
I made it very clear to him that I will not tolerate infidelity in our M.
While you do mention a realization other M have survived A's... You do seem fairly rigid it is a deal killer for you (I am not judging that, just want to clarify something):
Originally Posted By: CMF
If I did find evidence it would relieve the burden of failure on my part.
In a sense, I detect you hope to find an A... that way, you have an "out". So, I am going to lead to something a bit tougher, that will involve some deep reflection on your part:
Originally Posted By: CMF
I've lived that part in my first and second marriage and have watched my mom go through it. It's no picnic and I will not put my kids through that again.
So you had it in your first M... the second M.... and now potentially the 3rd M?
Different husbands, but the same W.... Why do you think this pattern is repeating?
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Well, I didn't login over the weekend after all. But you've been getting some terrific feedback from the others that posted to you.
Wounded fool asked a question that I also asked a few days ago about patterns... it would be great if you could really tap into that, because there is a fear based belief system that you are clinging to that is no longer working for you.
I do understand that it is mighty difficult to listen to a spew. There is a fine line to draw here, and if he's being abusive or deliberately cruel, I would suggest you tell him point blank, "I'm more than happy to discuss your feelings with you, but I won't do it when you're cruel and angry or disrespectful. I'm a human with feelings too." And then walk out until cooler heads prevail.
However, if it's merely hurtful content, I urge you to get his feedback. Your responses to what he has to say will help us, and besides, just because he says it doesn't mean his POV is "the truth".
Wonka has a thread here in Newcomers called Validation Cheat Sheet that I suggest you read and digest. They're great ways to listen, NOT offer advice, and amp up the empathy thing.
To answer your question from Friday, yes, I started this journey in January 2003 and my D was final in May 2005. My XH was my friend before we started dating, and we have 2 kids (now 20 and 17). Our youngest is developmentally disabled, and I knew I was going to have to co-parent with him for the rest of our lives. So it gave me double the reasons to DB him. Plus as I mentioned to you before, I was unhappy and had the tendency to blame others for how I felt. I wound up really working on myself and found out a whole lot in the process. I didn't like who I saw either. It wasn't for him that I decided to change. It was for me. I asked the Lord to change what was in my own black, defensive heart and He replied in kind. It wasn't easy.
I consider myself a success for that reason. I have skills and tools that help me in all facets of my life - especially my parenting. And to really ice my own cake, I got my friend back. We truly care about one another and the behaviors speak way louder than the words. I won't lie and say it was easy. But it sure was worth the effort. I'm not perfect, and I do have to continue to work on those parts of myself that I don't always like. My D20 calls me out sometimes, which is always helpful.
I'll try to make this inner quest a little easier for you. The root of all my evils and trust issues began with an overly active fear of abandonment. You know what people who are afraid of that do? They act out in ways that push others away. And that is exactly what I did to get where I got. It took a great deal of time separating the issues, examining them, and figuring out how they no longer worked for me.
There's a reason you're where you are too. I'd *love* for you to sit down and think and then share some thoughts you mull from Wounded Fool's questions.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I've been doing the 180 and something different. Both have produce positive results albeit teeny tiny results but positive nonetheless.
From our previous discussion Thursday night I mentioned that there needed to be a mediator so our discussions would not get out of hand. I didn't think he was listening when I said that. I proceeded with my and that night and went out with friends. Friday afternoon he came home from work and asked my about my next IC appt...when it was. And then he went on to say that "I still don't understand where you're going with this but if you want a mediator then I will go with if you want me to." That night I went out again and came home around midnight. This peeved him.
So I got my appt reschedule to 8pm tonight. He calls me and says "Oh wow, it's been a rough day...8pm...that's kinda late...uh...I just don't want there to be any arguments... Essentially, he was backtracking. This annoyed me I continued with the okay responses until he finally said "I need you to say something other than okay." So I replied with " well, that's what the mediator is for--so there won't be any aruing." He then says "uh...I'll see what I can do...uh I just got to my desk and have been in meetings all day but I'll let you know." So...advice..:what is going on here and how do I approach this tactfully?
I've been doing the 180 and something different. Both have produce positive results albeit teeny tiny results but positive nonetheless.
From our previous discussion Thursday night I mentioned that there needed to be a mediator so our discussions would not get out of hand. I didn't think he was listening when I said that. I proceeded with my and that night and went out with friends. Friday afternoon he came home from work and asked my about my next IC appt...when it was. And then he went on to say that "I still don't understand where you're going with this but if you want a mediator then I will go with if you want me to." That night I went out again and came home around midnight. This peeved him.
So I got my appt reschedule to 8pm tonight. He calls me and says "Oh wow, it's been a rough day...8pm...that's kinda late...uh...I just don't want there to be any arguments... Essentially, he was backtracking. This annoyed me I continued with the okay responses until he finally said "I need you to say something other than okay." So I replied with " well, that's what the mediator is for--so there won't be any aruing." He then says "uh...I'll see what I can do...uh I just got to my desk and have been in meetings all day but I'll let you know." So...advice..:what is going on here and how do I approach this tactfully?
If it was me... I would tell him, "they were able to stay late to get me in for 8;00, if you can make it... great".
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
