Sex was great, part 2

[GoatGal]

Grey,


Can you give more details about other conditions in your M?

Who does most of the housework, employment, who is the higher wage earner, what were you doing when you met, when you married... etc.

She has some health issues; does that mean you pick up a lot of the slack as you said above (with the dogs). Does she work full time?

Does she have an EX, kids?

What are things like with your families?

Everyone happy about your marriage, considering the--prejudice-- about younger men and older women? (Unfair, but real.)

Any other stressors?

Think about what ELSE might have changed, you know?


---GG

Now I catch myself in "fix-it mode" so I'm going to stop.

This is stuff for you to think about and process.
Share if you like.

[Grey]

Grey,


Can you give more details about other conditions in your M?


Who does most of the housework, employment, who is the higher wage earner, what were you doing when you met, when you married... etc.

I think we both do “fair” housework. I do more housework, but that’s because I like the house cleaner. She’s just naturally more messy. We earn about the same financially and we were doing pretty much what we’re doing now when we met (same jobs).

She has some health issues; does that mean you pick up a lot of the slack as you said above (with the dogs). Does she work full time?

Yes, and I understand she needs more rest. One of the first things in one of Michele’s books talks about making sure your partner with the lower libido gets plenty of rest because being tired (regardless of the reason) doesn’t help anybody want to do anything. I don’t take it personally when she falls asleep early or wants to sleep past noon on weekends. She does work full time, 40 hours a week.

Does she have an EX, kids?

Yes, but he was mostly invisible (rather than outright abusive), they don’t talk at all, and they divorced 17 years ago. One kid, 23, male, he’s great, works a lot, we barely see him but they’re about as close as can be and he was the first person I went to when I was thinking about proposing. He's definitely a mamma's boy, doesn't see his dad but maybe twice a year. The ex is not part of any drama at all in our marriage whatsoever, barely exists to any of us, really.

What are things like with your families?

She only has her brother and sister left----her brother lives very far away and they love each other but aren’t super close. Her sister lives here in town, love her, we don’t see her too often but we’re all close. My family lives here, she loves them all and they love her, we do dinner at my parents’ house about twice a month, sometimes more.

Everyone happy about your marriage, considering the--prejudice-- about younger men and older women? (Unfair, but real.)

The age part is truthfully better than a non-issue----it’s actually a good thing. We both like it, in fact. I always knew I did, but it’s actually pretty amazing how that part worked out.

Any other stressors?

Think about what ELSE might have changed, you know?

This is the trickiest part. I've tried to think and I can't come up with anything and that's what really bugs me. I've asked and that didn't really bring up anything. If I had done something really bad or wasn't meeting one of her needs as best as I can tell, I'd at least have something I could clearly change.
I moved my art studio home several months ago, but I wasn't spending as much time in the studio at the time anyway; it's just about the only thing I can think of. Money isn't flowing in like a river, but it also isn't that much different than before (we owe more after the wedding but finances are rarely an issue).

She turned 50 in April but barely noticed, and if anything she seemed to enjoy it with lots of events and stuff.

[Grey]

I take it back, one thing has changed-----puppies. We got two puppies in March, the same day I bought her the first new car she ever had. They were born on her son's birthday.
All three of our dogs died within 3 months of each other, 1 during our engagement) and we had to wait until the time was right to get dogs again, meaning time to train them and spend time with them, but we knew that would be after the wedding.
It was the longest either one of us had gone without a dog in the house.

We both wanted two dogs and we're very happy with them. She loves them so much. I wonder if I've been replaced by them somehow? At first I thought she was more tired because of getting up with the dogs, so I eliminated that part and I let her sleep in every time now (after all, I'm 15 years younger and non-diabetic, I have more energy by nature so it's ok).

Me getting up with the dogs and making her breakfast while she sleeps in hasn't really seemed to help her sleep (or our sex life) at all, but it probably helped the marriage out some from her perspective.

They don't sleep in the bed with us (I could feel that question coming!). They're good dogs, very loving, a good size for us rather than being too big and too energetic.


I'm afraid this might sound insensitive, but I have a question for a woman's point of view---------would having new puppies in the house have any effect on a woman's libido? For example, do women feel more motherly and less womanly (?) due to preparing food and nurturing a small animal?

I'm a good dad to the dogs, which I thought would also be a nice turn-on for my wife as a side effect. I can't say for sure if the puppies have anything to do with this (the problem existed before we got them), but it hasn't helped and it's the only outlying major life change I can think of for either one of us.

[Grey]

Well last night she went to bed without kissing me. Fun. SHE is the one that usually really likes that. I hadn't slept right in a few days and I was sure I would sleep last night.

Instead I couldn't sleep and couldn't help but feel completely alone. Six months isn't going to happen.

[Grey]

I feel so alone.

I can't FAKE it for six months. I am fine most of the time, believe it or not, but when I can't sleep I am sitting there next to this person who doesn't want me and it IS awful------it's not that I can't handle not having sex, it's that I hurt and feel unwanted and I can't even talk to her about it without "pressure" being the #1 word.

But six months? I can't stand ONE NIGHT without sleep feeling like this. It affects me. It DOES make me less wanting to buy flowers and cook dinner and all the things I continue to do to make it look like absolutely nothing is wrong and not resent her or get mad or ask for sex or care about my needs or how I feel.

So I come here, not because I feel like I'm going to get a revelation in advice but because I can't just keep it inside. I can't tell my best friend, my wife. I told her this morning in a text I feel unwanted and alone and humiliated to tell her yesterday she can text me or sending pictures makes me feel good and that I can't tell anything anymore and I'm afraid to talk to her about anything I have ANY needs for (like why any time she takes off any clothes or has a piece of junk mail or napkin it always all ends up on the floor or the countertops, etc.)

[Starsky309]

Wow . . . needy much?


And I say that as a SSM guy myself, who gets it.


Sorry, but "dirty clothes on the floor or counter" doesn't qualify as a major love language, or even a "need."

[Grey]

Wow . . . needy much?


And I say that as a SSM guy myself, who gets it.


Sorry, but "dirty clothes on the floor or counter" doesn't qualify as a major love language, or even a "need."

I didn't say it did.

What I said was I can't TALK to her about it without it becoming "pressure."

And no, I'm not needy. If anything, she is. And I don't mind giving her what she needs------in fact, I enjoy it.

But what if what she needed was what I'm here for? Am I still the jerk? That's all it feels like-------I FEEL upset and alone, and all I hear is "wait six months." I don't think just because anyone has been in a "worse" situation means I have to purposely put myself in that position before it's ok to feel things I can't help feeling.

[Grey]

Screw it, you're right Starsky, if sex is important to me I should just start thinking of how to leave. I don't want to but I think you're right about this and if it is me being "needy" then I married the wrong person to meet my needs, simple as that.

[Starsky309]

Screw it, you're right Starsky, if sex is important to me I should just start thinking of how to leave. I don't want to but I think you're right about this and if it is me being "needy" then I married the wrong person to meet my needs, simple as that.

I never said that you wanting a healthy sex life with your wife was being "needy."

I characterized your above post and reaction to the last 24 hours as coming across as needy.

However, based on your patience for dealing with the SSM issues and a woman turning 50 and whatever else she may have going on, I tend to agree that you have neither the patience, temperament nor empathy for working thru it with her. If you cannot place your own needs on hold for even 24 HOURS without needing to cling to her, then you probably have no hope of doing the hard work necessary to find a potential solution to this.


Starsky

[MrBond]

"However, based on your patience for dealing with the SSM issues and a woman turning 50 and whatever else she may have going on, I tend to agree that you have neither the patience, temperament nor empathy for working thru it with her. If you cannot place your own needs on hold for even 24 HOURS without needing to cling to her, then you probably have no hope of doing the hard work necessary to find a potential solution to this."

EXACTLY!

Oh and a friendly warning. The next person you end up with whom you think is "perfect" may develop this same thing. The decision for you is if you are willing to keep going through a string of relationships to fulfill your sexual needs like you did in your past.