Was told last night that with this divorce, her health insurance won't cover me according to her HR department. Massachusetts usually protects this but since her company is self insured, they get out of it.
While this is true with respect to her company, she may be responsible for providing you with comparable coverage as part of the D settlement. Check with your L.
I'm concerned about you. Are you getting any professional counseling for your anger and suicidal thoughts?
Starsky
Yes, I am seeing a counselor. Also see my pastor often. A continual problem is that I internalize issues; I blame myself. Add on a pile of untruths and additional blame on top of no sleep for weeks and you get some dark thoughts. Not there now. If I didn't have the boys, or had it been winter when I'm already depressed it may have been different. Would have loved to beat the snot out of her 60yo OM too but I didn't.
Was told last night that with this divorce, her health insurance won't cover me according to her HR department. Massachusetts usually protects this but since her company is self insured, they get out of it.
While this is true with respect to her company, she may be responsible for providing you with comparable coverage as part of the D settlement. Check with your L.
Don't think I'll go with L. Can't afford it and don't see much if a return. W insists on mediator but I did mention that I spoke wth L.
Was told last night that with this divorce, her health insurance won't cover me according to her HR department. Massachusetts usually protects this but since her company is self insured, they get out of it. So it looks like she's moving the divorce train full steam ahead. This^^ is not an insurmountable problem Dad2. It's a painful but manageable hassle. Even if you have a pre-existing condition, you're covered under some plan. Don't spiral for these types of problems and btw, maybe SHE will pay for you to get some 3rd party insurance. That's what lawyers are for...
After I fell asleep last night, she starts texting me about S16 texting a number excessively. I'll check into it but she could easily do the same. I must be the parent and do the real work while she get to be the play date yet again. Why not suggest you two discuss it "the next day", and or, tell her you would handle it at YOUR convenience? Again, not an unmanageable problem...even if she were at your home with you, you could have problems with a 16 y/o boy. Believe me, our 16 y/o d is a handful atm and it's NOT all b/c of my h leaving 8 years ago for 2 years (though d16 throws that in his face every time she's disciplined). SOME of these problems happen, anyhow...and those that happen "because" of the WAS are still not insurmountable.
I spent a lot of time last month, with 2 dear friends who have lost children...helps me keep my perspective. You need some of that too...perspective.
Your w has cheated on you and wants a divorce. That stinks!! Truly, We all get that..and you are also in the USA, a free man, a literate man with healthy children...Those little statements mean the freedom and standard of living for even our poorest, is better than most of the world's
(I mean, are you heating your hovel & Cooking your food over an open flame, with cow dung? B/c more than half the world is...) and you are healthy and...well, I hope you get my point.
Don't wallow or give into the anger so darn much. Your boys are watching you...more than you know.
So now, I'm awake for the night with my mind on S16, my huge debt, loss of insurance and her with the OM. Nope, no sleep except for about an hour after 3 but awoke by 4 in a cold sweat.
Do you believe all this^^ is her responsibility? Is any of it yours? I'm asking seriously. I am asking IF & WHEN you will be in charge of your reactions...
She has done a great job detaching. Maybe...but for some reason she was texting you at night, with her concerns...so I'm not sure how 'detached' that was of her at all. Nor do I know why it matters. If you are so certain she is detached, then learn from her. CHOOSE & CREATE DETACHMENT in your life, b/c it does not just "happen". Like happiness.
I am trying. Every time I feel I get some stability in my emotions, she lays something else on me. Do you see the role of choice in ^^this scenario?
Got ticked off again ladt night. Texted her again telling her this and ending with my prayer that God His vengance on her and OM will be harsh and eternal. I'm saddened and startled by this^^....it's not healthy and it's absolutely NOT something your boys should ever see.
I met a man on the plane 3 days ago, who was an LBH with 3 kids. His wife APPARENTLY had an affair and married her boss. I say "apparently" b/c the man told me he'd "never pass that information onto anyone, lest his kids hear it". I asked him how he'd arrived at such a place of peace within, and forgiveness.
HIS Answer? "My first/foremost goal was protecting our children. Critisizing my wife in front of them, or around them, would harm them...and I won't participate in anything that harms my children... SECONDLY, I did it for myself. I don't like using my energy for negative emotions and using up space in my head/heart with anger or bitterness...besides, it's not as if I was a perfect h..."
Use whatever words from this^^ apply, but I really did meet him and he really did say this and I really do believe you need to hear him...SOON. OR you and your sons will continue to suffer and as time passes, more & more of that is on you.
Sent another text a few hours later stating that she is not to call or text me again unless it is truely an emergence. She can email me with whatever I need to know. A few minutes later she called my mother to tell on me. W is acting like a spoiled child.
Dad2, after some reflection, surely you know who sounds more like "a child" in this^^, now?
Dang, All I can say is, YOUR SONS are watching you and they are growing up...what type of MEN do you want them to become?
and since I'm on that trail, what was your dad like when you were growing up? And your mom?
Hang in there and get a good counselor, soon. And talk to your pastor/priest b/c honestly, we do not teach enough about forgiveness in our world.
Not FOR HER, but for YOU. You have to let go of this and turn it over to God.
Think it, say it out loud and hear yourself say it so it sinks in. It really does help and it's too much for you to carry now anyway.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmlc, thank you for pointing out these things. believe it or not, I am well aware I do wrong as much as I do right. I do know I have a lot to do with the deterioration of the marriage.
My father was killed when I was one. My mom remarried when I was six. He left the first time when I was 10 and did so more times than I can count until he died at 47, 3 weeks before my wedding. Mom was an alcoholic until I was in my mid teens.
Mom was the half sister of eight kids. Her father was an alcoholic and a mean one. When I was young I remember stories of she'd tell of waking up with an axe to her neck, the story of her and a bunch of siblings sitting on the couch covered with gasoline while her father held a lit match. Finally, at age 12, she was shoulder to shoulder with her mother in the kitchen when her father unloaded several guns into her mother. A year later she witnessed her cousin that she was living with get run over my a logging truck. At 16 she was pregnant with me. At 17 her husband was killed in action.
Step father was never around much. He went blind when I was 10. He moved a to MA from ME. We followed a year later. We moved a bunch 'till I was 18.
Met W when I was 20. Dated for 3 years. She was in debt, so I gave her the remainder of my inheritance before the wedding. my mom was supposed to move in with step father and we were to take over the house. SF dying ended that idea. The next plan was to save for a house.
After marriage, it she told me she must be in control of the money so she wouldn't be like her aunt who was lost when her husband died. We kept getting into more and more debt. We'd have argument but I would always give in. Three years ago I paid it off by selling off all retirement and borrowing money from mom. We should have been out of debt by now and either have moved away or built an in-law apartment; instead we are almost $30k in debt. I should have manned up and took over the finances but chose the least confrontational way instead. W's grocery list item #1, we need our own place. After this affair came to light, she insisted we move the kids and us out to anywhere ASAP. Um, no. Not while she's cheating and we have no money.
Grocery list item #2: I have anger problems. I have lots of excuses but they are just that. I've seen multiple ICs since I was a teen. I've been on and off anti-depressants. I have gotten better. Before her first affair we had lots of screaming fights. She'd hit me. She'd threaten to take the kids. I'd yell. I have gotten better. I am slower to anger and do not yell as much. I do get frustrated when projects don't go my way and cuss. Yup, I should have worked on this more that I did. We never handled each other well, She would snap at me and I back to her. I know I yelled at the kids too much. I did slap older son once. She loaded on and said the boys were afraid of me and would hurt them. This is not the truth but I believed it after this affair and that lead me to Suicide attempt #1. I was NOT going to hurt anyone again. Yes my words hurt the children and hurt her.
Grocery list item #3. Intimacy. We were sexually active from the second date. I would ask if she's done this or that and she would always say yes. She would tell me how she learned how to perform oral sex to please her boy friends. Nothing we did together was new to her. For me, I had sex once with a girl I knew but not in a relationship. I always felt I had to measure up. After W's first affair, I kept thinking about what that OM had done with her. She old me about the oral sex and missionary sex on his couch. Almost everyday I would picture these things. My self esteem took a major hit. Now I really felt the need to be my best in bed. She recently told me that she felt I needed to prove myself to her in bed... yup.
Add this to Grocery item #4. Pornography. When I was ten I found my step-fathers stack of Playboys. It was downhill from there. By my teens I was fully engrossed. I figured I could stop when I got married. When I turned 21 a friend brought me to a strip club. Now I was getting really bad but again I thought IO could stop anytime especially now that I had this awesome girlfriend that would do anything in bed. Nope I was wrong. I slowed down when I got married but it was still there. Then the internet became more popular and I was getting into some dark stuff. After W's first affair, we went to counseling with a pastor at a new church she started to attend. I never really went to church. She went to a catholic church occasionally. Some time during that first year after A#1, I decided to become a Christian. With this decision, I needed to fight my anger and especially my porn addiction. I did better but it's still a fight. The last few years I would still fall if I felt rejected. Better, but not completely healed. I also asked W do to things she didn't like. One reason was the porn, the other is that I felt that was the only thing none of her other sex partners had done. I always felt guilty but I did it anyway. Yup, I blamed myself. During one of our late night/ all night discussions she asked my if I though God had given us boys because I would hurt girls if we had them just like someone from her work. I then remembered an uncomfortable feeling I had around a developing young niece. I was almost ready to believe I hurt her too and thus Suicide attempt #2. Later I realized I would not have done anything but at that late hour I went to a dark area. Yes, I blame myself for this area too.
I've gotten better over the years that we've been married. I have improved and am still working on things. I admit my faults. What hurts a lot is that W will not admit any of hers. She didn't tell me how she felt until the last few months since A#2. Then, in my opinion, she embellished each area to levels way worse than they ever were. She even told me that S#2 was born so she could feel love again. Yes I'm hurting. Yes I'm angry. Though it may not seem it in the last few posts, I am more angry at myself than her. Even the week after I found about A#2, when she went to talk to two sisters, I was willing to take ALL of the blame for her actions.
Thinking too much again tonight. I so much want W to face consequences. I know it won't do any good and probably have the opposite affect. All of W's sisters, Brother and spouses know about the A and impending D. I really want to confront OM and their work (boss, hr, etc). W told me HR knows and is just fine with it. I know this again is my anger talking which is why I'm typing it here as opposed to a text or phone call. I just wish the A was over so some R could be pieced for at least and amicable D.
S16 told my mother that "mom just left us" and he's POd.
Grocery list item #3. Intimacy. We were sexually active from the second date. I would ask if she's done this or that and she would always say yes. \ I don't mean to quibble b/c this^^^ is just a curious thing to ME. But I've long wondered why people ask anything about their partner's past. I can't think of an instance in which it helped either person in the R. I CAN think of several times it's been a bad idea. Very damaging..
She would tell me how she learned how to perform oral sex to please her boy friends. Nothing we did together was new to her. For me, I had sex once with a girl I knew but not in a relationship. I always felt I had to measure up. you felt competitive and that's too bad. It's not really about your wife, however. At least not then. That was about your comparative lack of experience and that was on you, not her. Do you see my point? This insecurity of yours was just that, yours.
After W's first affair, I kept thinking about what that OM had done with her.
What did YOU DO differently, after that affair? You, specifically as an individual, and then you two as a couple? IF you simply swept it under the rug, can you see how it's not shocking that it happened again?
She old me about the oral sex and missionary sex on his couch. Almost everyday I would picture these things. My self esteem took a major hit.
Affairs are damaging to our partner's egos. But some of this behavior was a choice that YOU made..."almost everyday".
You need tools for redirecting your thoughts. I suggest also that you watch Amy Cuddy's TED talk about "Faking it til you Become it" and Sean Achor's talk about Positivity. Both were at the TED talks of 2012...and they're about 20 min long. Watch them and give them some thought.
Maybe a good IC can help you with this. Is your therapist solution based or do they hope that you figure out your problems by talking them out? I don't doubt that talk therapy helps many people, but if you are still behaving mostly the same destructive way, it might be time for a new T.
Now I really felt the need to be my best in bed. She recently told me that she felt I needed to prove myself to her in bed... yup. Why does this^^ matter? I mean, it's not presently relevant, correct? Being intimate isn't a contest; it's expressing love...or at least in a marriage it is. So don't focus on "performance" issues b/c if you have hands, you can manage just fine with an open mind and loving heart. But that time is NOT NOW....
I suggest you let all this^^^ go...it takes up too much space in your head.
Add this to Grocery item #4. Pornography. When I was ten I found my step-fathers stack of Playboys. It was downhill from there. By my teens I was fully engrossed. I figured I could stop when I got married. When I turned 21 a friend brought me to a strip club. Now I was getting really bad but again I thought IO could stop anytime especially now that I had this awesome girlfriend that would do anything in bed. Nope I was wrong. I slowed down when I got married but it was still there. Then the internet became more popular and I was getting into some dark stuff. interestingly, there's also a youtube video on "Why I gave up Porn" by a handsome young guy who mentions how porn removes seduction and romance and really good sex, and makes it all about "penetration" or worse, subjugation/ mistreatment of women. If you cannot avoid that, I'd seek out a 12 step group b/c it's an insidious force in our world that contributes a great deal to how badly women get treated globally. Inside marriages, I think that type of porn
(not the erotic stuff that some couples enjoy together), is very damaging.
After W's first affair, we went to counseling with a pastor at a new church she started to attend. I never really went to church. and now?
She went to a catholic church occasionally. Some time during that first year after A#1, I decided to become a Christian. With this decision, I needed to fight my anger and especially my porn addiction. I did better but it's still a fight. The last few years I would still fall if I felt rejected. Better, but not completely healed. I also asked W do to things she didn't like. One reason was the porn, the other is that I felt that was the only thing none of her other sex partners had done. I always felt guilty but I did it anyway. are you saying you forced her, or coerced her into doing things she did not like or want to do? Yup, I blamed myself. Just so I'm clear, who else would you blame?
During one of our late night/ all night discussions
Avoid ALL late night discussions and NO discussion that lasts "all night" is a productive one. Just do not engage that way.
she asked my if I though God had given us boys because I would hurt girls if we had them just like someone from her work. I then remembered an uncomfortable feeling I had around a developing young niece. I was almost ready to believe I hurt her too and thus Suicide attempt #2. So, you mean your self loathing or guilt led you to attempt suicide a 2nd time? After your first suicide attempt what NEW TOOLS did you get that failed to stop another attempt? Why would your wife wonder about you developing unacceptable feelings towards your young niece? And may I assume she was under the age of 16?
See, as a wife, I look to my h in part for strength and honor and sometimes leadership (the feminist in me resists admitting that, and to be clear, I do NOT mean a "boss" when I say "leadership". I mean a strong partner, someone who can provide and protect our family...and when I cannot, I know HE CAN/WILL)
if my h were to attempt suicide, twice, and showed no indication that he was working actively on getting better,
I'd have to leave him as soon as he was stable enough. I would do that to protect our children and myself from someone who ill enough to do self harm.
The odds of turning that self rage into outward rage, while perhaps less than 50%, is still quite substantial. I'd move on to protect the kids...
I say this so you never contemplate suicide threats as manipulation tools, b/c for most of us, they are more than a turn off. They are red flags of danger.
Later I realized I would not have done anything
how did you come to realize this? but at that late hour I went to a dark area. Yes, I blame myself for this area too.
Not sure what "blame" means here, but who else is responsible for your choices?
I've gotten better over the years that we've been married. I have improved and am still working on things. I admit my faults.
"Admitting faults" is useless if they are not also being worked on. You seem to repeat some destructive behaviors, and then say things like "I did X and I blamed myself for it..." as if it's a grand gesture or meaningful. Or as if there was someone else to blame that you are letting off the hook.
Hey, I don't want to tear you down or even give you a gentle 2 x 4 here.
I'm trying to get you to see that you have a long history of problems, NOT getting a lot better, for a long time...and even now, right after you say "I Admit my faults" you immediately turned your focus back onto your wife's faults/behaviors.
That is NOT YOUR JOB. Her flaws are not your duty and they are not in your "jurisdiction". Pretend she is the state of Iowa and you are the state of South Carolina...you deal with YOUR state laws and let her do her own.
Someday if you two want to join up and become one state, THEN you can work out which rules will be set for you both and you can handle it then. For now, you have a plate full of things that really are and always were, your responsibility...ie, you.
What hurts a lot is that W will not admit any of hers. why does this^^ "hurt" you, at all? It's not any of your business. Plus, you don't know if she admits the faults to others, but again, it's not in your sandbox or your jurisdiction. Stay in your sandbox.
Do you see why I say that?
She didn't tell me how she felt until the last few months since A#2. Then, in my opinion, she embellished each area to levels way worse than they ever were. That is Standard WAS behavior. They revise the marital history AND OR they only remember the bad times.
But in fairness, you two did have some pretty big bad events in your history. I think in time you will come to see how toxic things have been.
She even told me that S#2 was born so she could feel love again. Yes I'm hurting. Yes I'm angry. Though it may not seem it in the last few posts, I am more angry at myself than her. Can you elaborate?
Even the week after I found about A#2, when she went to talk to two sisters, I was willing to take ALL of the blame for her actions.
what difference would that make to anyone?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
