prayers please

[twinmom]

So yesterday after H's family left (which was a very nice relaxing afternoon grilling out) he tried to kiss me. I backed away and said I didn't want to get hurt.
On our way to Day out with Thomas (over 3hr drive) I asked him why he tried to kiss me. He said it was out of comfort, that his feelings have not changed he doesn't love me.
I saw a text from him to OW begging her to go to therapy with him to work things out.

[Train]

What a POS!

Stand tall and stand firm, twin.

[twinmom]

Thanks, I am trying very hard.

[twinmom]

Kinda journaling but if anyone wants to throw their 2 cents in I am very open to that.

I feel like I am starting at square one. On one hand I want to ask him to leave. I am so angry at him for what he is doing but on the other hand I want him to get help and to save our family. I do love him but I think a lot of my issues are really with me.

I feel like I am not worthy enough, I feel like why is he begging her to go to therapy with him but had no desire to do so to save our marriage? Why am I not good enough for him? These are the questions that keep running through my mind.

We had a good time at Day out with Thomas. The kids had a blast and there were lots of smiles. We hardly ever fight, that's never been a problem with the two of us. I think H is so conflict avoidant that he just goes along with whatever I want or ignores me if he doesn't want to do something.

I have already fallen for him emotionally again, it's just a matter of putting up a false front until I can gain back the steps of progress I had made in detaching.

I know it's supposed to be easier to DB with H at "home" but he has already seen and acknowledged my 180's and said how wonderful they are but it changes nothing for him.

We discussed the topic of divorce again, he had brought it up at the dr office on Wednesday, talking to the baby telling her he didn't want to put her in daycare and doesn't she want to stay home with mommy........
H says that I "jumped the gun" with filing and he doesn't want to finalize things for a while. He won't give me a time frame though. I am trying hard not to read into these comments.

Last night H tried to be intimate (obviously not sex, but darn close) I don't want to fall for his games and as soon as we got home tonight I took out my copy of The Solo Partner to reread the chapter on pursuit. I need to be reminded of the rules.

I don't know if asking him to leave is the right thing, how do you "go dark" with him living here? I know I need to as it's destructive to my own mental health to engage with him. I know one text from her and he is gone so DETATCH is the name of the game.

Do I tell him that I only want to talk if it's about the kids? Do I just leave and not make myself available?
Do I stay in my room for the evening?

Going to reread DB and The Marriage Remedy. Anything to keep me from falling into his games.

[Ggrass]

Wow that must be tough, but trains right.

Stick to your guns, would you let a person you hardly knew grab you and make out?
I would back away, as gracefully as you could.

I have no advice on being dark while together, maybe dim? Is the option.

[twinmom]

H just took the twins for a haircut at the mall. He asked me to go with, it took a lot to say no. Baby steps for me right now. This morning I stayed in my room till Lillian woke up to eat which was about 10 min before H left for a work/charity event. I didn't speak to him.
He sent me a text about the event (just making small talk) I didn't resound.
He sent a text asking if 2pm would be ok for haircuts. I responded immediately yes.
He sent another text talking about the event and telling me what time he would be leaving. I didn't respond.
He called on his way home, I answered and was very quiet/didn't elaborate on any of my answers. He asked me if I was going with him and I said no. It was a short conversation.
I kept myself busy while he was here, I fed the twins lunch and got them ready to go. Then I went in my room.

I feel like I need to hold myself accountable for every interaction right now

[figgeroni]

your ex is a serial cheater...he obviously even cheated on the OW with someone else

I think this goes beyond any sort of DB saving your marriage kind of thing

You need to save yourself and your kids....

he will not change unless he wants to and he clearly doesn't want to

[kml]

Yes. You have to ask yourself...if you "win" him back, what have you won? A serial cheater that you will continually be looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next bomb drop.

Get a clear image in your mind of what a truly remorseful husband would look like. Someone who would go to IC, marriage counseling, give you access to his phone and email etc. . Don't settle for less. And don't hold your breath.

[Train]

I'm all about saving marriages and families, twin. I'm all about forgiveness. For your own sake.

But your H is not worthy of you or your efforts. Not right now.

I think the question is: what makes you think or feel that he's all you deserve? Don't you know you deserve better? Because you do.

Hugs

[Georgiabelle]

Twin Mom,

Congratulations on the baby! I hope she is doing well.

Let's see...how can I say this....Your h is a mega tool. He got kicked out so he's trying to eat cake with a quadruple layer of frosting, ice cream and whipped cream. He is taking advantage of you and that is way wrong. Yes, he should help you. However, trying to roll up on you after cheating and lying to you is vile. Not to mention he did all of this while you were pregnant!!!

He would have to do serious work on himself and it doesn't sound like he has the skills nor desire to do this. He just needs a place to stay since OW kicked him out. Take care of yourself and the kids.