I'm confused. I thought my last stmt was one of a healthier one because I was saying it from a place of accepting and letting go. Accepting that the dynamics are different and I just didn't know the new rules. Stating that I did my best to enquire about her with concern. He allowed me in when it suited him and I didn't respond like the spoiled brat begging for more details, calling and persisting (like i would have done normally) . I left it alone. He didn't like that. And therefore he behaved the way that usually makes me get back in line. Although, I haven't reacted it responded like I normally do. Now, this could purely be mind reading. One will never know. Either way, the way I conducted myself is better than what he would normally get from me. He will now begin to realize that I cannot respond like a wifey or mm in the areas of sex or taking care if mom. Apparently I have been demoted to business partner only and should act as such.
After hearing more of the story today, I know there were Times last night to inform me that he could have texted even if to say "busy, details tomorrow". Something/anything. Last week when my dd was in accident I made the effort to respond to all who enquired.
Please do not view it as me stomping my feet because if I were, I would have reacted and responded with anger/hurt towards him asking why he didn't keep me informed last night.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Please do not view it as me stomping my feet . . .
I'm not going to speak for Job, but MM I've noticed you do this a lot:
Where do you get off telling other people how to view things? All you can do is post here, and others are free to view your situation as they see fit (provided we're courteous and such, which Job always is, I'm sure you would agree).
It's dismissive when you do this, and maybe you don't even realize it. But I think it folds into this whole "me, me, me" package that is front-burner right now for you.
Magic, People react to a medical crisis differently. You, responded to all who inquired...he didn't, so you shouldn't expect him to be like you. Some people don't think about it until later and evidently he's one of those that doesn't like to give minute by minute updates. Whatever the reason, it's water under the bridge now and life must go on.
Game playing? I don't see it and this shouldn't have entered your mind at all. This was a real emergency and you have to take people's reactions in situations such as this w/a grain of salt.
Let's hope that your friend will be okay and recover nicely in short order. I do hope that you'll either call or visit w/her in the coming days.
Now, I'm going to sit quietly because I have nothing left to say about the situation. It's now water under the bridge and doesn't require any more "beating the horse to death" conversations about it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow. I'm sorry. That is not my intention at all!!!
Sorry.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Wow. I'm sorry. That is not my intention at all!!!
Sorry.
I believe you. And it's not me, it was Job to whom you seemed dismissive -- to me, anyway. Then again maybe it was just me.
Again, I wouldn't have pointed it out if it didn't tie into the whole topic at hand right now, and that is how you come across. I'm sure you would agree with me that we can ALL have the best of intentions in our hearts, but we are judged by others -- fairly, I think -- mostly by how we come across to them.
Gabby. That's my point. Is that I vented here and not to him. Rhis is what we are told to do in this forum. This is new. I did not allow him to see this.
Just like me, we both need to learn the new rules. I feel I passed the test by not being what he would expect from me. Now I need to work on things in here,
Like sandi stated. These were 2 bigger tests for me to learn from so that I can handle the smaller stuff.... Right?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Stop making it all about YOU. – The most successful people in the most successful relationships are looking for ways to help others. The most unsuccessful people are still asking, “What’s in it for me?”
Gabby, I am sure its to be expected from most who post on here. Not knowing how to respond in this kind of situation after so many years. The attachment for the extended family members are still there. Navigating through the FIRST occurrence, much like the FIRST holidays are challenging.
Yes, I expected to be reported too. I posted in here because I was venting. I worked hard on processing through it. You guys could see that I was struggling. I did not want to disregard & dismiss my true feelings.
I see how I was behaving poorly in HERE. However, I am kind of proud of how I reacted OUT THERE (Him). I know I still have work to do, but this is still keeping in line with exercising my power & not giving it away. Like I said, normally I would have asked 100 questions & persisted to be kept in the loop. I did not. I took the time/space to not act on my "feelings".
Yes, I did on this site because I was posting my honest feelings. I am very bothered. It hurts that he did not feel obligated to me to keep me informed. Its just another level of him letting go & that sux. I hate the feeling & watching him step away inch by inch (the slow version). My ex-h was fast... DONE immediately & never looked back.
Up & coming issue: Do I take MIL some food? (Honest answers below)
1) Yes, of course.... its the right thing to do 2) No, you are trying to impress him
If I choose #1, then I have fears of behaving like "I SHOULD", like he would "expect" me to behave, as a good little wifey & still under his command. (pat good doggy on the head). MM is still "there" for him!
If I choose #2, its possible that I am also doing so because I want to remain in his good books.
As a person who is letting go, It shouldn't matter what "HE" thinks & whether he is right or wrong (as in #1). I fear that he would think I am just trying to do right in his eyes. As a person who is dropping the rope, I shouldn't be concerned about what he thinks and do what I want!!!
I am still trying to decide which of the 2 options is my real truth. Although I automatically wanted to make some food when I first realized she wouldn't be able to walk much. I know its a nice guesture & I am a person who does good things.
If I do bring food, I will bring it directly to her & not comment to him about it.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Before you take food over, call her first and see what she needs. She may suggest something from carryout or nothing at all. But, you shouldn't worry about him at all, but your concern should be focused on the mother.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MM, I'm going to say this as gently as possible as I know you are still hurting. Stop thinking about how whatever you do ties into him. If your XSO were dead and gone and his mother had the same thing happen, would you make her some food and take it to her? If the answer is yes, then do it! Don't do it to impress him or her. Don't tell him you are doing it. Don't NOT do it because of what he MAY think. Learn to be YOURSELF, not part of him or a couple but who you are.
Yesterday was day 2 of my W no longer living with me. My MIL often makes extra food as she enjoys cooking and lives alone. She will call me or my W and tell us it was there and feel free to pick it up. Last night I got a call from her. She knows her D is no longer living with me but that I have our D14 with me. She let me know that she made some food and asked if I would like to pick it up today on my way home. Of course I was grateful and told her yes and thanks for thinking of us. I'm not thinking about what my W thinks about this as it isn't her concern. My MIL has been a part of my life for 25 years and I love her and she loves me. She is feeling a big loss right now as she has to see her grandkids and me go through the pain she went through when her H left her. I'm not thinking about what my W might think of this or not. It's between my MIL and me. Last weekend when my W was away visiting her father, my MIL called me to ask for my help as her mothers bed at the home she is living at broke and she couldn't fix it herself. Of course I went and helped her and her GM. Not once thinking of how my W may react or not. I did it because I care about these people and they are a part of MY life, whether my W and I are together or not.
You need to start being MM, just MM. Be the person who YOU want to be. Don't automatically think about how what you are doing will make him feel or how he will react. It will take an effort at first as you are used to thinking of yourself as part of a unit but you MUST start doing this if you want to get past the hurt and become the woman you are meant to be!
