Tomorrow is our 15 year anniversary and instead of spending it with a drink in my hand laying on a beach next to my W (as we had been planning 8 mos ago), I'll most likely be having that drink in the local bar with a friend.
man sorry Tarheel. I know how much that hurts. This past 14yr anniversary my WAW wanted nothing to do with me and it was like not celebrating a birthday...but I decided to go out with my pals and have a few drinks and just kept in mind that "we're in a better place in our relationship now" (my C's words) because we are living in a more honest place. Who wants to fake being married with someone who doesn't want to be there? If you have to write a letter to her to get all this stuff out and then throw it away and become the DB robot we all become to survive: disengage your emotions (detach), no expectations. Then ratchet up the GALing. Dig deep man. You can do it.
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
So 15 yr anniversary came and went with the only interaction being W texting me late in the day saying she needed to go back to the place she interviewed with last week, so her friend would be picking up the kids. I didn't respond. Felt weird not contacting her, but what would I say- happy anniversary??
W's step mom sent me a happy anniversary text (I assume she sent one to W too) and FIL left a vm on the home phone. He tried calling again late last night and after having a few drinks with a buddy, I was real close to answering the call, but let it go. W doesn't talk to them very often, even though they live in town, so they have no clue what's going on. That's W's mess to clean up, not mine.
Took advice from my previous thread and sent W an email the other day about S15's bday dinner this Sunday. Just told her that we would meet her at the restaurant, didn't get a response.
GAL activities today- going to a movie by myself after work, then going to see what some friends are up to.
Feeling frustrated that after almost 9 mos after BD, I'm no closer to a decision either way. Seems like a lot of the threads I've read recently have made progress one way or the other and I'm thinking 'what about me?' I still struggle with detachment, but overall feel a lot better about myself and my life. Some of my changes- I take care of a whole house by myself, grocery shop, make dinners for the kids, laundry, take care of 4 animals, started working out, go to church, hang out with friends, more outgoing, etc.
Maybe I'm not looking at the small steps and am more focused on a giant leap. W does seem to be a little more open with me and will call/text sometimes for no reason. Never about R, but I've tried to use these small exchanges as opportunities to listen and validate.
Had dinner as a family for S15's bday Sunday- went well, not a whole lot of interaction. At one point I made a remark about W getting her own medical insurance, but later apologized through text. Stupid. Although she never said 'Happy Father's Day', the gifts from the kids showed thoughtfulness on her part. One was a jar full of my favorite snacks/candy.
During the day Sunday, the kids and I went to the pool. W and I had been texting earlier and I told her that if she was done talking with OM, I had no problem with her joining. A little while later she responded that she was thinking of all she needed to do, but getting some sun would be nice. She talked about joining us, but ended up too busy. I have no idea what that means as far as her contact with OM, but I suppose it doesn't matter to me unless we're trying to work on things.
W and D10 leave for vacation tomorrow and will be gone for a week. Will give me a chance to hang with the boys- we have a few small trips planned.
W text me the other day to say that she was hired for the job she had applied for. Starts mid July, will be working Mon- Fri and every other Sat from 9-5pm. I asked her how she felt about it and she opened up a little, until I asked her if this job was just about making money or if she thought it would help her find happiness. Got no response. Probably didn't word my text the way I intended as I was just trying to get her to open up about her feelings on life in general, not R. I hope she's making these decisions based on finding happiness and not feeling forced into quitting the vets office just to eventually afford her own place. Although that does mean less day to day interaction with her girlfriend she met OM through. Can't say I'm upset with that : ) Not sure what that means as far as her taking the kids a few times a week, but to me, it would seem more difficult for her to have them working a full time job.
W called me last night on her way to the house to pick up kids. Just a 5 min call and small talk that she could have made when she arrived at the house. She came in and had a seat, acting pretty comfortable. Normally, she'll wait in the car for the kids to come out or if she does come in, it's a brief 'let's go kids'. As she left, she asked if I wanted to pick her and D10 up from the airport next Thurs. I paused and she said to just let her know this week.
I text her last night just saying to have a safe trip. She responded with thanks and that she'd be checking email if I needed to get a hold of them. She then sent me an email this morning saying they were at the airport, then a text just now saying they're boarding. I didn't respond.
What I need help with is how to interact with her right now. I made it clear that I would not be friends with her while she is friends with OM. I have no idea what that status is, but she has been more friendly with me lately. I would gladly reciprocate, but I don't know if she's going back to cake eating or if she has ended contact and is 'testing the waters' with me?? She knows how I feel, so do I need to wait until she comes out and tells me there is no contact? Do I flat out ask her? Do I pick them up at the airport next week??
I am at the same exact point in my sitch. Ten months since BD. OM still in the picture, but not sure of long term impact. W still seems to be in somewhat of a fog.
I have remained indifferent but cordial in all of my interactions in the last couple of months to avoid cake eating. I can tell things are starting to turn, albeit very slowly. Last month she would only nod or say hello at a kids sporting event. Last night she sent an email saying how nice it was to share our kids triumphs together. It was hard not to jump at that and ask "what does it mean". I rationalized that it meant that she is noticing that I am a good father and a good person. One that can take the high road in social situations even when it is uncomfortable. That makes me feel proud of my changes, regardless of outcome.
Stay strong. Be patient. And in my experience you don't have to be best friends to do the right things for your kids.
Me 49/W 44 T 18/M 16 D 14 S 12 BD 8/18/13 Sep Agrmt signed 12/23/13 I moved out 1/20/14
Tough spot and I know you do not want to backslide. I would think as long as you "act as if" you have moved on with your life with our without her, that should help guide you. In other words, have no motives in your actions. Do not go pick her up from the airport, that is pursuing. Your positive upbeat attitude around her is meant to show her that you are able to live your life and be happy without her. I have not seen anything you wrote where it looks like she is making an effort to repair your M. Bottom line is stick with your principle of not being friends while the OM is around. If he isnt AND she wanted to reconcile, she will find a way to let you know.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
What I need help with is how to interact with her right now. I made it clear that I would not be friends with her while she is friends with OM. I have no idea what that status is, but she has been more friendly with me lately. I would gladly reciprocate, but I don't know if she's going back to cake eating or if she has ended contact and is 'testing the waters' with me?? She knows how I feel, so do I need to wait until she comes out and tells me there is no contact? Do I flat out ask her? Do I pick them up at the airport next week??
Tarheel - I am new & inexperienced w/ MLC so I cannot advise you well. Someone who has been around can do better.
I am also on a roller coaster now b/cause of H's behaviour which is contantly in flux. There are many times I don't know how to interact either.
These days, this is about 10 days of seeing a recent change in me, he's warmer & more like his old self. I think part of me just shut down to him), I was so hurt. I suspect he sensed that I did not want him 'back' either & he got his own medicine although I didn't plan this. I was just turned off. Overheard him making plans for tomm. night so he clearly 'wants cake & to eat it too'. I am a conveneince relative to his options or luck at the moment. As one forum poster said (read so many can't remember who ), they are all 'academy award winning material'!
My body chemistry (!!) was being maxed to the hilt re how to handle this/that ... (had heart palpitations came 'out of nowhere' when I overheard part of conversation last night!! It surprised me how my body changed in a second.
I was advised here to look after me, because the MLCer needs to do what they need to. You should too, you have to concentrate on you. They will make you crazy because their thinking & behaviour is just that.
Advice was also given about 'going dark' - Cadet posted some links for me (in mlc rut), & there are stickies & endless resources embedded in forum posts.
Anyway, the point is whenever, I am in doubt, I prefer to wait or not respond. I hope that a more experienced poster replies soon, as I too am curious as to how you should interect with your W. Until then, think "YOU"
take care, pbetra
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Been a while since I posted, so I'll try to make a really long story as short as I can.
This past Fri night I found out that W had gone with OM (who she claims is just a friend right now) for the weekend to his hometown for his son's graduation party. Her phone was broken, so I immediately sent her an email saying I was done and that we needed to start the D process as soon as she returned. I also sent OM a FB message asking him to have my WIFE call me as I knew she was with him (he didn't reply and she didn't call). W emailed back the next morning saying that it was a last minute trip, other friends of theirs had gone and she didn't think it was a big deal. Also said she was done feeling broken, so go ahead with the D process.
We exchanged several other texts, emails, etc over the last couple days (some argumentative and others cordial) and I'm not sure where we stand now. As firm in my decision as I was in the moment (and have been leaning towards lately), my stance somewhat softened when she told me she had been reading/praying lately trying to find the 'right' answer and then I think about how final the decision really is. Seeing that I've heard that story before, I think she just knows the right words to say to keep me hanging. I know- weakness is not attractive.
The truth is I don't know where I stand right now. D is such a big decision and I don't want to regret making it in a rash decision, but her continued actions/decisions don't give me any encouragement that she's considering giving us a shot. It's been 16 mos since the first BD and I'm not sure how much longer I'm willing to feel in limbo. I either keep working on myself and enjoying my life/kids (which I'll do regardless) with the occasional WAW interaction that upsets me or go ahead and take the step to the next chapter in my life. I realize that only I can make that decision. Maybe my pride is standing in the way of being the one to start the D process. If there is any hope left, I'd hate for the kids to see me as the one who took the steps to end it. She could always claim she was the one still unsure of a decision, despite her actions.
Saturday, W had mentioned meeting tonight to 'talk', but I haven't heard from her today. Conflicted on whether I contact her and set it up or let her take the initiative. I suppose the 180 would be to let her do it, but I do feel like we've reached the point of needing to discuss R and hate the thought of letting this opportunity go. If we do meet, I'm fully prepared for her to say we need to start the D, so maybe that's the reason for my hesitancy?
To avoid this post being totally W focused, I did have a great time this past week with the kids. S15 and I went golfing, S11 and I hit up an amusement park for a day, the boys and I went to a movie, had a neighborhood cookout/kickball game, then last night took the kids to a baseball game.
