prayers please

[Ggrass]

I know where your head is at, I've got some issues with my h.

It's tricky, one of the messy things he created, but as It fall on my child and our side of the street I need to sort it. He's saying he's not punishing the child by taking the road he is, but it does.

One part of me wants to scream, your a fing arse stop it. The nice side is like ok, I've played the game before so we will play and move chess pieces untill I get what I want or he admits he's lied to the child.

[twinmom]

Will post long update and beg for advice later tonight after the kids go to bed but need some quick advice if anyone is online and can help out.

H is staying here and I need to know if I should ask him to discuss how long he is going to be here or just keep my mouth shut??

[kml]

Don't borrow trouble. Get your rest and sccept the help for the moment. Plenty of time later to tell him he can't just move home because OW kicked him out; he would have to DO THE WORK before you let him back. But for now just accept it for what it is.....temporary help....and enjoy some sleep.

[twinmom]

Don't borrow trouble. Get your rest and sccept the help for the moment. Plenty of time later to tell him he can't just move home because OW kicked him out; he would have to DO THE WORK before you let him back. But for now just accept it for what it is.....temporary help....and enjoy some sleep.

He doesn't want to be here. And it's hard on me. I honestly don't know which is worse being alone or knowing someone is only here to help you because they have no where else to go

[kml]

He doesn't want to be here.

Don't make ASSumptions. You don't know that. He probably DOES want to be there, at least so that he can be sure his new baby daughter is safe and his kids are cared for. And he probably cares about looking like a good guy. And yes, it's probably convenient that he doesn't have to figure out where to live today.

You need SOME HELP of SOME KIND right now. If you have someone else you can call that can come help, then do that and tell H you've got it covered. Or if you think you'll be ok at night so long as he takes the kids in the day so you can nap, tell him he can't stay there but you would welcome him coming for a few hours during the day so you can get rest.

You have to separate out your irritation with him, your desire to push for a confrontation (in the vain hidden hope that he'll blurt out "but no! I love you and want to be with you forever, I was wrong!"), and your absurd resistance to accepting help from anyone. These are all separate issues and need to be treated separately.

Also, remember to keep in mind, this is not a guy in MLC, this is a serial adulterer, who made you his OW without your knowledge, who is likely going to repeat his pattern again and again through his life, and unfortunately cannot be the husband you deserve without a lot of therapy and help, which he's not too likely to get. Just use him for the temporary help you need and let go of the rest.

[Ggrass]

Don't forget twin, be kind to twin. You have a lot going on hormones new daughter, your number one, he's a complete ar$e.

He should help, in fact he is obligated to for his children. Due to his adultery, even good neighbour status is almost too good for him. Although it does sound harsh.

Take as many naps as you need take as much as you need, DO NOT worry about him, birth is a time when the man should step up without question.

[twinmom]

Ok, so I finally turned on the computer to make it easier to type such a long update and beg for advice.
OW was sent screenshots (not by me)of text conversation with H flirting like crazy with another person. She kicked him out on Sunday. H stayed the night sunday at my house (I was at the hospital with Lillian) and then on Monday Lillian was released. Monday night H stayed on the couch again.

H has taken a weeks vacation, he goes back to work next Monday. He has just "jumped" back into our lives like he never left. Besides physical affection with me/sleeping on the couch and some cold/sad moods(OW won't talk to him and he keeps texting her that he loves/misses her and begging her to work things out)it's like nothing has changed.

My S8 is crawling into his lap again to watch tv, S13 is asking for help with math homework(yes, his school requires weekly summer online homework)and he is joining us for all activities, even when I tell him I got it covered. He joins us for all meals, and takes the older boys to run errands.....

His conversation with me has ALMOST returned to what it once was, with him asking where I am if I don't come home and texting for no reason at all. Just no sexual conversation. Yesterday he offered to take the boys to basketball but cut his hand as he was leaving so I took them telling him I wanted to get out of the house anyway. Camp is 2hrs and I usually come home inbetween drop off/pick up. Well yesterday I had Lillian with me and was talking to some other moms and didn't come home. After about an hour I get a text asking how Lillian is, ummmmm she is fine it's only been an hour and a half since we left. I responded that she was being social and H wanted to know where we were. Then H asked if I was going to Target and I replied that I might go later after the kids were in bed and he was like 'oh, I kind of wanted to get out of the house'.... well, leave then duh!(didn't say that just thought it)

After dinner I told H I was taking the kids to feed the ducks at the lake downtown(about 15min walk, 5min drive) I got the kids ready and grabbed a loaf of bread. H starts to get in the car too, I told him it was ok I could handle it myself. He said no, it's ok I will go.

Today I had a dr. appointment and H went with. I don't know why as I am not pregnant so it was just making sure I was ok (swelling in my legs/feet and possible high blood pressure but everything is fine)
I told H I was needed to go to Orland Park (little over an hour drive) to get another bra.(too big for regular stores, have to order online or go to speciality store)I said I wasn't going today as they close at 5pm and Lillian had a dr appointment at 3 so I wouldn't make it but I might go tomorrow. H asked if they were open on the weekends and I said yes,and asked why. He said the his mom wanted to visit with Lillian tomorrow at noon. I am ok with that so I told him no problem I will go saturday morning. H has a charity event saturday morning for work, he asked for me to wait til the afternoon so he could go with. I told him it was ok I could handle it and he said no he would go.

Tonight I asked the boys if they wanted to go see How to Train Your Dragon 2 and they did. H started getting everyone ready and again I told him he didn't have to go I could handle it. He said no, it's ok I will go.

He calls me sweetie on a regular basis. I make sure to not say it back.

When I first asked him if he wanted to go to Day out with Thomas he agreed and I told him that it was a long drive and asked if he wanted to stay the night before. He said no, he didn't care how early we had to leave. Today he brings up the topic and asks me if we should get a hotel room.

OW sent me a text this morning "I am so sorry"

Here are my concerns/problems/what should I do/just give me some advice PLEASE

H wants OW back/he still loves her. If she were to call right now he would be in her bed before I could even shut the door behind him.
I am afraid that the boys will be hurt again by him "coming home" and then leaving.
I am hurt that he is fighting for her/their relationship when he didn't even open his mouth to tell me anything was wrong much less fight for our family.
I know I will be hurt when he leaves again.
I am afraid I will start wanting the physical affection (which he sure as hell doesn't show any signs of wanting)

[Train]

Sweetie, all I'll say is:

1. Accept his help as long as you need it and are emotionally able to do so without becoming attached to him/his behavior.

2. See how OW is acting toward your H?

3. See how your H is pining over her?

4. Any more questions?

*If* your H is ever going to come around (and that's a BIG "if"), it's going to be when YOU drop the rope (as OW apparently has) and HE does some serious work on himself. My fear is that, considering his history, even if he's acting "like normal" at home, it's just a matter of time before you're right back where you were. History tends to repeat itself when what CAUSES the history is not addressed and changed. It's HIS to change. Nothing YOU do will create change in him. But you may be able to *influence* his change by dropping the rope and not denying him the dignity of his own struggle. Give that to him.

Hugs to you and the kids.

[Starsky309]

Sweetie, all I'll say is:

1. Accept his help as long as you need it and are emotionally able to do so without becoming attached to him/his behavior.

2. See how OW is acting toward your H?

3. See how your H is pining over her?

4. Any more questions?

*If* your H is ever going to come around (and that's a BIG "if"), it's going to be when YOU drop the rope (as OW apparently has) and HE does some serious work on himself. My fear is that, considering his history, even if he's acting "like normal" at home, it's just a matter of time before you're right back where you were. History tends to repeat itself when what CAUSES the history is not addressed and changed. It's HIS to change. Nothing YOU do will create change in him. But you may be able to *influence* his change by dropping the rope and not denying him the dignity of his own struggle. Give that to him.

Hugs to you and the kids.

This. ^^^

Starsky

[twinmom]

My fear is that the kids will get hurt. That is why I am not so sure about allowing him to help and join in family activities.

I plan on leaving him with the twins (I can't leave Lillian anyway) in the evening and doing whatever I want even if it just means going to a park and sit in the cast and read.

I can ask him to leave but can't force him to legally. And yes, I am a wimp and feel badly he has no where to go.