Oh Bea, I hear you! My stbxW actually told me that she hasn't loved me since BEFORE we got married 20 YEARS AGO! Said that she just did it because she felt it was time for her to get married. She leaves out the 2 years before that I worked while she finished college as she didn't want to be married before she was through. Or the fact that we had 2 kids together, the 2nd one we tried for a full year for her to conceive and she wanted to go to a fertility clinic if it took much longer. I'm sure she would do that if she didn't love me. Nope, she was just not feeling it the whole time. Never mind all the home movies where she is so happy and loving. All the times she swore how we would grow old together because she loved me so much and what a great husband and father I was.
The worst part to me is I really think they believe all that crap! Let's just be glad that we aren't that crazy. At least we know what's real and what's a very bad trip through the looking glass!
These MLCers would wipe the floor at the Oscars - their acting skills over the years are awesome
There is a line from an Hilaire Belloc poem I like - 'Her aunt, who from her earliest youth/had kept a strict regard for truth/Attempted to believe Mathilda/the effort very nearly killed her!
Oh he didn't 'decide' to leave his wife and family - we should never have married. For reasons he doesn't understand he just stayed around and participated in family life (without ever enjoying it)
Welcome, belatedly Bea! This was also said by my husband. Exactly. "We should never have married. He was never happy." Same script.
Yet, HE relentlessly pursued me. He practically begged me to pick a wedding date when I was putting it off. Up until 3 years ago he was telling people he was my "last" husband, when I'd introduced him as my 2nd husband.
I dont think they're acting. I think they BELIEVE it! They are drinking the koolaide! I asked that question of an MLCer (former) on this forum and he told me that he believed these statements when he said them to his X wife, but only later he came to look back and deeply regretted it and realized it was not true. He also said he had remorse that he could not get rid of now.
M 56 H 52 M 13.5 T 15 S 28 twinStep Ds 24 ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14 Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14 Divorce final 7/8/14
The more I read on these boards the more I am amazed at how these MLC ER all say the same thing. My h also supposedly stopped loving me BEFORE we were married He only married me because I got him out of the shower one day when he passed out and didn't yell at him. Really???? He actually told me he spent out whole marriage pretending to be happy and all the sweet romantic things and inside jokes etc he secretly hated.
Pbetra- you will find a way to get yourself out of the rut. I couldn't function for a month. My work suffered . So did my son. I also couldn't afford yoga or have time since I was always at work or with s. I did home videos. It really helped to get my mind to stop spinning. I also started meditating. Even if I could only focus for a minute it was 1 minute of peace.
You will get there. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Please be sure to take care of you too.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
According to my xh my (late) father made him marry me. In fact my father liked a previous bf of mine much more.
Do they believe it? I don't know. It seems to me more like a toddler screaming and saying 'I hate you'. At that moment they 'believe' it, but it isn't their psychological truth. Their feelings for us are getting in the way of everything they do, and that is causing the frustration and resentment.
The script comes out of this emotional state, and because that is the commonality, it explains the similarity.
Consider the cliche of the kid and cookie jar: 'It wasn't me, I wasn't there, and I didn't do it anyway Oh and my sister/bf made me' It is the reaction of the guilty found out!
I would almost be a relief to have a new response. Nearly nine years on I am still getting the same garbage. Give me a break. The re-runs are boring.
Beatrice- re the toddler ref. At one point my h actually ran down the hall screaming I hate you I hate you I hate you and then slammed the door. It was at that point I knew I was no longer dealing with a rational adult
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Hi Julie, When my W and I were talking about custody of our D14 (a very deep and important and painful subject) she told me what she wanted and when I didn't just agree and only said "I'm not sure that is a good idea...", she not only didn't let me finish the sentence, she ran screaming "I knew you would try and keep me away from my D! I hate you!" and HID from me! I had to look all over the house for her and I found her, like a toddler, hiding in the corner of the pantry! When I told her that wasn't the case, I just wasn't sure the way she wanted to do it (7 days with her, 7 with me) was best. She then gave me 30 min's to come up with what I thought would be best. 30 min's? Really?
Yes, they are very child like. They are so worried about their new friends and what they think of them, how they will "look" to other people. It makes the whole process of D/separation, so much harder when these are subjects that can such lasting effects on so many and they can't be rational.
Of course, knowing that this is a script, that we aren't alone in hearing this crap does help somewhat. It doesn't change that we must go through this pain but it does show us that we aren't the ones who saw all our history the "wrong" way!
matt165 we do have similar experiences. Thx for sharing!
re: >> am trying to understand why it is that I allowed this to become OK with me. What is it about me that thought and still thinks that it was acceptable that I be put in that position? Why did I think that because I did this I was showing my W my love and devotion? <<
I am a naturally empathic person, understanding, non-judgemental, good listener, never repeats someone else's biz (it is for them to do so). Many people misunderstand that for weakness, stupidity. I know my H does.
I felt that I was being understanding toward someone who I cared for. I assume the same with you (!?) - this is what spouses do for their partners & relationships, otherwise we would be roomies or acquaintances. We chose to be advocates with this partner as we navigate the ONE life we have together! That's why I did it anyway - this was also my life friend ... why wouldn't I be understanding?
Someone told me about an English movie Tamara Drewe. It's no blockbuster & not everyone's 'cuppa tea' as movies go. However, infidelity was an issue >> when asked why you cheat on your W, the cheating H answered "because she lets me" <<
I have no intention of changing - I like myself, I'm just not the most confident about myself in many areas (& know why). My attitude is to be more selective to not be taken advantage of & to reserve my energy for those who would act likewise.
Thx too for the reminder re: blame . This was hard at first - wondering what I did so very wrong ... I cannot believe the pettiness I hear sometimes! 15 yrs of marriage & my "expression that day" - it goes on. If he thought about it, he would realize it makes no sense. Right now I am just trying to get out of this rut in an effort to move forward. The flux has been too much.
You seem to be managing 'well enough' matt165. Good luck to you as well re: your own efforts & peace of mind. Thx again for your kind words & support. pbetra
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
beatrice, have you been living w/ your mlc spouse ?
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
. This was hard at first -