She says she's conflicted

[MrBond]

While he's stressing over her, you can be the opposite and be casual, cool and fun. Do it with no expectations. Every now and then, tell her, 'hey, I was going to grab a drink if you want to come along", and if she says no, then just smile and say just though I'd ask, then you go out and have the time of your life. No expectations. She has to see you enjoy yourself rather than obsessing over her.

[Oxford1]

While he's stressing over her, you can be the opposite and be casual, cool and fun. Do it with no expectations. Every now and then, tell her, 'hey, I was going to grab a drink if you want to come along", and if she says no, then just smile and say just though I'd ask, then you go out and have the time of your life. No expectations. She has to see you enjoy yourself rather than obsessing over her.

Ok great advice.

ThAnks

[Oxford1]

So she has decided to stay in the family home.

I need to set a boundary...it revolves around past sins. Not adultery, but probably worse in her eyes. Another issue is she likes to throw it up at me to get me into it with her.

Yesterday we had a text fight about it while she was on a business trip.

Then she called me and actually complained about OM, this then led me to attack not him as much as men who chase married woman etc etc.

So it's a two way street here.. I need to come up with something to say when she dwells on the past and past mistakes....just to rile me up.

[Oxford1]

Boundary number 1- you will not listen to her relationship problems with OM.

How disrespectful.

She actually got upset about something today.

She threatened to divorce me, break-up with him and go live by herself for a while.

And then once she finds herself, go find a Real Man, a man that she wants to be with.

I replied, you have a real man right next to you, so why don't you dump him and see what you have...

Silence

[25yearsmlc]

Boundary number 1- you will not listen to her relationship problems with OM.

How disrespectful.

She actually got upset about something today.

She threatened to divorce me, break-up with him and go live by herself for a while.

so the "threat" part is the divorcing you? B/c the rest is not threatening, imo.

And then once she finds herself, go find a Real Man, a man that she wants to be with.

Ouch...

I replied, you have a real man right next to you, so why don't you dump him and see what you have...

Silence

Sorry, I must be dense today. I don't understand your reply. You want her to dump YOU and then see...what she has? Or whom? Like OM?

Or you want her to dump HIM and then lose you, or what?

I'm confused.

[25yearsmlc]

I agree with all your post above.

I am trying so hard to retrain myself. No more control, no more bringing up OM.

Let him attack me. Let him control her.

Worst of all let him text her over and over telling her he's worried for her safety and that I have done something.

If she's five minutes late texting him. He freaks out. Calls all her phones texts her over and over.

See how you immediately talked about OM only a few SECONDS after saying you would not? You are definitely taking your time implementing real change.

If I were you, I'd ONLY focus on myself b/c Oxford, your m was a lousy one. Your sons' admit wishing you'd gotten a divorce or at least expecting you to do so b/c of what THEY SAW with their own eyes.

Too bad they have all the details b/c the more other people are involved, the harder it is to recover from.

You were supposed to keep the road home, paved and smooth. But you kept harping and obsessing and YES CONTROLLING, and blaming and blaming her som more, so you have made it a lot less likely to heal.

BACK OFF and learn to STFU. Don't involve your sons anymore, for everyone's sake.

more later...


How does she put up with this?

How does "SHE PUT UP WITH THIS?"---

no offense, okay? But she put up with much worse from you, for a lot of years...

I guess You trained her well.

Can you name 2-3 Actual specific 180s YOU are doing to become a better man?

Not to get her back, but to show your sons what a man is supposed to be like?

What are you working on in yourself to become a better man and partner, for whomever?

.

[Oxford1]

I agree with all your post above.

I am trying so hard to retrain myself. No more control, no more bringing up OM.

Let him attack me. Let him control her.

Worst of all let him text her over and over telling her he's worried for her safety and that I have done something.

If she's five minutes late texting him. He freaks out. Calls all her phones texts her over and over.

See how you immediately talked about OM only a few SECONDS after saying you would not? You are definitely taking your time implementing real change.

If I were you, I'd ONLY focus on myself b/c Oxford, your m was a lousy one. Your sons' admit wishing you'd gotten a divorce or at least expecting you to do so b/c of what THEY SAW with their own eyes.

Too bad they have all the details b/c the more other people are involved, the harder it is to recover from.

You were supposed to keep the road home, paved and smooth. But you kept harping and obsessing and YES CONTROLLING, and blaming and blaming her som more, so you have made it a lot less likely to heal.

BACK OFF and learn to STFU. Don't involve your sons anymore, for everyone's sake.

more later...


How does she put up with this?

How does "SHE PUT UP WITH THIS?"---

no offense, okay? But she put up with much worse from you, for a lot of years...

I guess You trained her well.

Can you name 2-3 Actual specific 180s YOU are doing to become a better man?

Not to get her back, but to show your sons what a man is supposed to be like?

What are you working on in yourself to become a better man and partner, for whomever?

.

I have to learn to shut up. Today we went out as friends for our 28th Wedding anniversary...It was a nice dinner until she hit a trigger, I don't know what it was.

I can tell that I made points she even said I did, but then she said I went to far....

I think I have planted seed of doubt about the OM. I just have to let them stew and really be the better man.

[Oxford1]

Boundary number 1- you will not listen to her relationship problems with OM.

How disrespectful.

She actually got upset about something today.

She threatened to divorce me, break-up with him and go live by herself for a while.

so the "threat" part is the divorcing you? B/c the rest is not threatening, imo.

And then once she finds herself, go find a Real Man, a man that she wants to be with.

Ouch...

I replied, you have a real man right next to you, so why don't you dump him and see what you have...

Silence

Sorry, I must be dense today. I don't understand your reply. You want her to dump YOU and then see...what she has? Or whom? Like OM?

Or you want her to dump HIM and then lose you, or what?

I'm confused.

Sorry no not at all. she brings this up.

I have said to her, I would rather see you on your own then with this POS.
He is a fake phony fraud and she just does not see it.

Oh , i am the real man...she says what she says to shut me up...When she commented on dumping both of us for a real man she was just trying to get me to stop.

I will tell you if I dont stop she will leave again..I just have to shut up.

She already told OM to not cone to the US. If she is lying to me and I catch her with him....I pity him and then I will file for divorce and lock her out of the house..

[MrBond]

"I have said to her, I would rather see you on your own then with this POS.
He is a fake phony fraud and she just does not see it."

Wow you haven't listened to anything anyone has told you. First of all, you CAN'T make her see anything that she doesn't want to. You just can't stop controlling her. And let's face it, if it's not him it will be someone else. Then you'll complain about that one as well.

"Oh , i am the real man...she says what she says to shut me up...When she commented on dumping both of us for a real man she was just trying to get me to stop."

You don't get it. By doing what you just did, shows that you aren't the "real man" she is looking for. You haven't changed. You're still trying to be controlling and are just as bad as the OM.

"I will tell you if I dont stop she will leave again..I just have to shut up."

That's not going to do any good because you can't seem to stop. AND you don't seem to want to change or stop controlling her.

"She already told OM to not cone to the US. If she is lying to me and I catch her with him....I pity him and then I will file for divorce and lock her out of the house.."

Big words. You haven't done anything. AND you haven't changed. That's why she hasn't been looking back towards you. Given your attitude and the way you talked to her, why would she want to go back to you?

[Oxford1]

"I have said to her, I would rather see you on your own then with this POS.
He is a fake phony fraud and she just does not see it."

Wow you haven't listened to anything anyone has told you. First of all, you CAN'T make her see anything that she doesn't want to. You just can't stop controlling her. And let's face it, if it's not him it will be someone else. Then you'll complain about that one as well.

"Oh , i am the real man...she says what she says to shut me up...When she commented on dumping both of us for a real man she was just trying to get me to stop."

You don't get it. By doing what you just did, shows that you aren't the "real man" she is looking for. You haven't changed. You're still trying to be controlling and are just as bad as the OM.

"I will tell you if I dont stop she will leave again..I just have to shut up."

That's not going to do any good because you can't seem to stop. AND you don't seem to want to change or stop controlling her.

"She already told OM to not cone to the US. If she is lying to me and I catch her with him....I pity him and then I will file for divorce and lock her out of the house.."

Big words. You haven't done anything. AND you haven't changed. That's why she hasn't been looking back towards you. Given your attitude and the way you talked to her, why would she want to go back to you?

I think today was bad because it was our anniversary.
This morning we go into it because she started and tonight it was me.

I feel awful about it.
I told her that as her "Anniversary" present I would stop .
I would just stfu !

Even our MC said this relationship is mine to loose.
The problem is I keep thinking he is here this week.

Whenever she tells me she had to work on the weekend or there is a meeting in the middle of the day it usually means he here