too little, too late

[lost18]

After I made that last post yesterday I talked to my sister. Felt much better afterwards. She reminded me that I'm doing great and even if I'm taking baby steps I'm still making progress.

She also pointed out that things could be a lot worse, I could be sitting here with divorce papers etc. etc. We've talked about when he came home in Feb and dropped the bomb and how I validated his decision (not intentionally of course). But the yard was a wreck, I had boxes still stacked in the dining room etc.

Becoming a better person, happier, more positive, getting things (no matter how little they may seem) done around the house are all little things that "may" make him doubt his decision. My IC says when we are on vacation let him see the great woman he is choosing to walk away from. I have to remain positive and not let the little stuff drag me down.

So after his non-response from 2 nights ago, which was ridiculous on my part to worry about! I texted him yesterday, my first text simply said "hey" and guess what he responded....anyway, I asked him to call me which he did. We discussed carpet for D12's room, a medical bill, buying a car for Dalmost16. Also asked him to talk to me before he transferred D15 $$ on her card because she has been difficult, he agreed. A little small talk about the weather, food and his back. Overall a pleasant conversation even though it was mostly about business.

This roller coaster seems to have no end in sight!

[lost18]

I had a dream last night that we were on our vacation, H and I were "making out" and he stopped it and said it couldn't happen. Basically shutting down any chance for us to reconnect. Don't remember all the details but obviously my fears are coming to life in my dream.

Last night I was playing softball, smiling, laughing, having fun, no thoughts about my situation. Then it dawned on me that that is how I need to behave when I see my H. However, I am really worried that my emotions are going to take over and not only ruin my chances to connect with H but also ruin my vacation.

It still is so sad to me that after 17+ we have so little communication. I also just realized that our anniversary (not legal, but celebatory) is 2 days after we come home (to different locations). We also met around the same time in 1991 and reconnected in that time frame in 1996.

Just wanted to get these thoughts out before I went for a run (yay me!) I have some thoughts I have to form more concretely but I will be looking for advice before I leave for vacation. Especially since I only have one appt with my IC beforehand, she is on vacation the week before I go on vacation.

[lost18]

Yesterday was a tough day. Sent H a text wishing him a happy father's day, no response. I tried to have no expectations but haven't figured that out yet.

What was a little problem with D15 turned into a huge blowout. She spends a lot of time at her friends, which is ok but I tell her to check in everyday. After failing to check in Sat I texted her yesterday morning. "It slipped my mind" is the answer I got. Of course it was with attitude, turned into this big ordeal. D15 has the idea that we are equal as far as rules and such. Went to pick her up from her friends and she was gone, her friend didn't know where she went either. She refused to come home, asked if she could have some time to cool off first, going to get her shortly.

I get so frustrated and sad when things like this happen, I get the I'm mean, I hate being around you, I'm annoying. I realize most of it is typical teenage girl crap, however, considering what is going on I am terrified that she will blame me for the D. "maybe if you were nicer Dad wouldn't have left" kinda thing. I'm also afraid that H will see this as more validation, yes I'd hope he'd see the reality of it but I guess it goes back to my fear of not being a good mom.

I'm debating whether or not to talk to H about the situation, I feel like we need to be on the same page with this and he needs to support me. That was a big one of our issues in the past with my son and it didn't work out to well for any of us.

Feeling very lonely, my house is so quiet all of the time, usually just me and D12 here. But even when I'm out I'm lonely. Took D12 to the beach yesterday and she was off playing with her friend and I was sitting alone listening to and watching all the people...families, couples. Although I have always enjoyed the beach, very relaxing and peaceful, yesterday I felt very alone there.

I know it's time to get off my pity party, skipped going for a run this morning, didn't go yesterday either. I justified this morning because I usually walk at D12's practice. 2 weeks before I leave for vacation and less than a month before I see H again. I need to focus on positives and not making this a stressful time.

[lost18]

Some days I feel so hopeful other days so hopeless. I know the only chance there is for this marriage to survive is if I work on me and don't give up.

I really struggle with the use of my time. I feel like I waste a lot of time doing nothing (on the computer, watching tv). Now I do know that down time can be good, however, I'm a procrastinator and put things off all the time. I get up in the morning with good intentions but feel like I don't accomplish much. I have never been a structured person but find myself now wanting just a little structure. I make lists but don't look at them. I am going to try lists again, break down the big projects so I am only focusing on one at a time. I'm so all over the place.

Last appointment with my IC tomorrow before vacation and seeing my H. I am extremely stressed about seeing my H. I am usually so relaxed and laid back when we are on vacation, I know he finds that attractive because he's told me. I need to drop all the fear I have and the EXPECTATIONS of how H is going to act. Just not sure how to do that...Need to teach myself how to "act" regardless of what H is doing. I have been trying to prepare mentally.

One thing I have not considered is if he wants to talk about the R? How can I hold my emotions in check? IF that happens I need to work on validating, will be reading Wonka's post a few more times. I don't think that is going to happen, more than likely he will be distant and off doing his thing. That scares me more. I am really wanting to use this time, not to reconnect, because we certainly aren't there, but to cast some doubt in his mind.

I need to be positive, fun, happy, laid-back, outgoing. Work on being me regardless of what he is doing. I can't believe how stressed I am already and it's a month before I see him.

[lost18]

Had a major realization while talking to my sister. I am so stressed about this vacation and what will or won't happen. Will my family all find out? The kids? Friends? The reason I'm so stressed is because I'm looking at it as a "make it or break it" situation. I've been putting so much pressure on myself and this vacation that I am taking all the joy out of it.

In reality, this is not a make it or break it situation. I will come home from vacation and probably still be in limbo as I am now. Realizing this has helped me to relax a little. Also, my sister pointed out it's better to be stressed about it now, work through it and prepare for the different scenarios than stressing at the time!

Also, talked to H for about 30 minutes today. Talked about D15 and her attitude. Wanted him to know what was going on and make sure he was going to support my decisions in regard to her.

We also talked about his family...let him know what was going on with his mom. I told him she had asked how he was doing at his niece's graduation party. He said he sent her a message on FB for mother's day but she never responded....hmmm I know how he feels! In his words they have a "strained" relationship. Nothing to do with us, just has been for a few years. He also said he's not on FB much, doesn't "do much for him." Funny, he was on it enough to change his relationship status to single! Not that I mentioned that I even noticed that to him! It is odd to me that we have these seemingly normal conversations....guess I should look at that as a good thing.

[lost18]

Final appt with IC yesterday before vacay. We discussed how to handle myself on vacation again, be attractive, laid back, fun, flirty. Let him see the good he is walking away from. Other goals:

1) Don't speculate, only deal with what is coming at me
2) Don't let him lead, take control (meaning of my emotions) I guess that is the same as "act as if"
3) Invite him to do things, but do them regardless of what he does
4) IF I need to have a break down walk away and do it in private
5) Prepare only for the "Big" stuff, D talk or telling the kids and know how I'm going to respond

On another note I just spent $$ that I can't really afford on something that is so worth it! It's just the timing of it. Funny thing is it is an event with HIS family in Dec.

Went shopping yesterday with D15, I am getting a few cute things for my vacation...have to look attractive right! BUT, have been slacking in the working out and eating department. Gotta focus more on that, don't think I'm going to lose weight in a week...going to have to try to squeeze into my jeans! lol

[lost18]

It's nice to have times when I genuinely am happy. H and M are not the only thing on my mind. I have decided GAL truly is the best advice for anybody in this situation, regardless of whether they want to save their relationship or not.

I have been busy getting ready for this trip as well as trying to keep the house in check and get new carpet for D12's room. Went shopping with with D15 and dinner with both girls the other night, ran into some friends at dinner. Have taken D12 to the beach a few evenings. Yesterday I went shopping and to lunch with a friend, took D12 and her friends to beach and then I went out to listen to a friends husband play guitar and sing. An old friend owns the bar I went to so I spent some time catching up with her too. Overall the last part of my week has been good. I was supposed to go to a party today but it got cancelled...probably a good thing because I still have stuff to do.

Last night while I was out I was talking to a woman who I've never talked to. We have mutual friends and kids the same age but have never met. At one point in the conversation she says "I'm not a Last Name anymore just so you know." I had no idea, I just said oh, sorry and she proceeded to say that it was a good thing! That did start my mind wandering down all sorts of paths on my ride home...there is life after D, some people make it (D) seem so easy, is this what H sees? being happy after a D? and on and on and on....

Honestly, I know nothing about her M or D so I have no idea what she went thru. I just met the woman who came out on the other side and told me her and her son are doing great!

[lost18]

Getting a little more anxious for my vacation again. Other than a 4 text exchange about a delivery have not talked to H since early last week.

Had a good weekend. Beach with D12 and friend on Sat, then dinner and we invited a couple of girls with us. Yesterday we cleaned the house and then D15 and I went shopping. This week is haircuts and nails and last minute stuff to get ready. D12 has a tournament this weekend...I'm a little stressed.

Talked to my brother yesterday, he doesn't know what's going on. He is taking some time off and visiting when we are on vacay as well, told me he was disappointed that he will not be there when H is there because he was looking forward to seeing him. Things like this make me realize how D affects so many, not just me and H....sigh.

I know I need to stop focusing on H but I wish I had a little bit of a clue as to what is going on in his head. I'm getting some mixed messages with his actions but I know what he said 4.5 months ago and how stubborn he is. I will try hard to step off the crazy train I have created for myself and focus on me. I need to do my best to have PMA when I'm around him.

[lost18]

I am really getting discouraged. I feel as though I have made some progress but am feeling like it really is too little, too late. It's mainly the fact that we have so little contact. He has initiated a couple times in the past month or so, but there was always a reason. There were also a couple of times he kept the conversation going but not recently. I am not ready to give up on our M but am afraid I'm going to get crushed emotionally again because I have allowed myself to have hope.

I am questioning whether it is still possible to save my M considering.....

[Thornton]

I am going through the exact same thing you are, Lost.

Just feeling discouraged lately. You are not alone.

Hang in there.