CSan - Filed, moving and life goes on....

[CS000]

I took off my rings and I am dropping the rope. I need to live for myself and my kids. I have been trying so hard to keep a connection between my STBXH and myself that I haven't even focused on what I want. I also realize that my STBXH needs to get through his own issues and I do too. By trying to hold on to him, I didn't respect his choice or decision to be without me and I was forcing a connection when it is not in my control. Letting go of it all

[Georgiabelle]

Good for you! Now focus on you. Be in the moment. You can do this:-)

[CS000]

Another incident with my D 17. This time in the car right in front of the house. My son had to pull her off of me and this was over the laptop again. I had to lock the car door and roll up the windows until she finally took off walking to work. On top of that, a few neighbors came out. I was in tears and so was my oldest son. I don't know what I have done to deserve this. My D 17 leaving couldn't come fast enough. Also I feel that it is better if the boys and I just get an apartment right away since my mom keeps saying that I am giving up on my D and I noticed that she is being harder on the boys...I feel lost and alone, which I am since my sisters have not really talked to me. Everything is coming apart in my life and I wish I knew the reason for all of this turmoil. I know people have it a lot worse but I feel like I have bottomed out. When it rains it pours. God never gives you more than you can handle. I keep this in mind but my resolve is weakening...

[Thornton]

Hugs to you CSan.

I don't have much advice regarding D17, she sounds very, very angry.

Remember, its always darkest right before the sun comes out. Don't give up.

[Ben2010]

Yeah I dont understand what is going on with her either. Maybe its a psychological issue with the D going on. Have you taken her to talk to anyone yet? I know you wanted to move her to Japan with her father, but that might not fix anything. Might just be moving the problem to a new location. Im not telling you how to be a parent or anything and God knows you are under enough stress. I was just wondering if that had been brought up.

[CS000]

Ben2010, I have had her in counseling for a couple of years now and her therapist says that she is acting out and isn't talking in their sessions about what is bothering her. I am sending her to her Dad to give her a restart with her life to get back on track. I feel that I have done all I can for her these 3 and a half years. I never saw this happening. I feel as a failure as a mom. I appreciate your input

[CS000]

Thanks Thornton...I'm not giving up yet just feel knocked down. I appreciate your kind words

[CS000]

After being away for an overnight trip with my friend, I returned to the house to finish the packing. I broke down and texted my STBXH and he was short and polite then I bought up him not wanting to talk to me anymore and he responded with I always reply. This isn't heading any where good and not in the mood to argue. I am hurting myself by doing this. I need to keep my distance to avoid making it worse between my STBXH and myself. Help?!?
Also I am feeling panicked and doomed which is the result of me not taking my anxiety medicine. I applied for a personal loan to be able to move out on my own sooner as I don't want to be a burden on my parents as they are struggling with paying my mom's medical bills. I feel like if myself and the boys are on our own, it will be better for us and we can really start coming together as a family and restarting. I wonder if I can truly drop the rope as I don't know what I want in respect to my STBXH. I just want to get it together and be fine....Thoughts on how to keep going now that divorce will be finalized in 3 weeks or so?

[sandi2]

Hi, I saw your invitation to look at your thread. I haven't read all the way through it, but just seeing how many teenagers you have between the two of you......OMG! I hope you take this in the right way, but having so many teens trying to live together under conditions they may or may not have wanted has got to be mind boggling.

I believe The Brady Bunch may have deceived some people, but I bet you could tell how it is in real life trying to combine two families. I have seen it up close and personal, and the M problems usually started over his & her kids. Just really....really tough stuff.

Everyone deserves another chance after the first M didn't work. Having children should not penalize those chances, but you all have a massive situation with this many teenagers. Do they live part time with the other parents?

If these two families are able to become one united, I think it would take a family therapist with experiences with large families (kids & step kids ). But first things first. I'm sure you have been told to read DR. Have you read it all the way through?

The more you show neediness toward your H, the further away he will get. He must feel a tremdous amount of pressure, as I am sure you do too. But I think men handle it differently than we do. We turn to them when we feel weak and want their stength to hold us together. But who does the H turn to when he feels pressured? He has to be the leader and basically responsible for his family (security, financially, protection, education, relationship, etc.). As a working mother, you have your own areas of stress, trying to be all things to all those you care about.

I think the stress, alone, could tear this family apart. If pressure/stress triggers his post tramadic issues, he may be trying to run for his life by escaping, IDK. He may not know how to deal with so many people at one time. He can't can't get rid of his own kids, but he sees you and your kids as more pressure and demands.........I would think.

I don't know what you do to relieve stress....or when you have time, but it is essential for your sanity and survival. Being good to yourself is not being selfish. What have you done for yourself? Not taking the meds you need is not helping anything. What's the real purpose of not taking your medicine? That's nuts!

You MUST stop contacting him. It is pressure! And pressure will not make him want to go back to you and the kids. The LBS wants to hold tighter to the WAS b/c of the fear they have in losing the S. It is the wrong action. He needs to feel free. It may take the D (and he seems to believe it will) in order to get the freedom he wants. Doesn't mean he no longer truly loves you down deep in his heart, he just can't cope and wants out. If your actions are trying to control, guilt, or punish him.......you have to stop it. It doesn't work.

When or if he hears/sees you, do not complain to him b/c that is more pressure and not attractive. You need to be self-confident and upbeat. Not giddy or silly, but just friendly and nice. Men say this is very attractive in women.

Accept the fact you may not be able to stop the D. He doesn't want this R. So don't try to confince him otherwise. He has to have time and work through enough issues to get to a place where he is willing to do what it takes to make this work......and get help.

Setting him free is not giving up. It is dropping the emotional rope you have around him. Are you woman enough to do it?

((hugs))

[T384]

Sandi, I know you have tons of experience and advice and I was wondering if you had any for me if you ever get a chance to read my sitch. Thanks for your time and Sorry to hijack