Line in the sand

[mustardseed]

Starting to get it

Link to my last thread I decided since things have changed I should start fresh, hopefully I will get more feedback because man do I need help.

[mustardseed]

Copy of my last post on my previous thread:
I haven't spoken to a lawyer yet, but I am starting to gather names. Oh man, I really don't want things to have to go down this path, but I realize that I have to learn to grow a back bone.

I am slowly starting to discuss my financial concerns with him. He seems responsive, but his MO was always to say yes than flake on things later. I am trying to be careful to keep things to one topic so as to not unleash all of my harbored resentment at once, because I am just now realizing how much I have been resenting how he had handled money in the past. I am being forced to face things I have chosen to ignore for so many years. This is where the DB get's tricky. Because I want to continue to DB but at the same time I want to make sure he doesn't flake out on financial responsibilities and I am also so tempted to just tell him exactly how I feel about how unfair things have been due to his carelessness (or maybe it was selfishness although I still have a hard time believing he was being selfish, just clueless).

But now I am realizing what a wimp I am. How for 14 years I have avoided conversations that would stress him out or make him think that I was criticizing or nagging. And here we are, financially screwed because I decided to ignore rather than deal with things because I hate confrontation and he still thinks all of those things about me that I thought I was avoiding. I acted like a child for too long. He already doesn't like me so why should I care about calling him out on his BS now? What do I have to lose at this point? But for some reason I still feel like I need to stroke him rather than laying out the truth. The truth is that he has pissed away so much money on--from what I can tell--a lot of vices and carelessness. I took over the bills to make sure we stopped the cycle of always being behind in everything while the accounts still got drained, I separated my paycheck so that I would know that I had the money to buy groceries when I needed it, rather than finding out at the check out line when my card was declined. And his reaction to that was why is he paying more for the bills then me. Not even acknowledging the fact that only 50% of his income is going towards supporting the family where as 95% of mine is. Not even realizing that he blows through the other 50% with nothing to show for it (except maybe that explains the stacks of scratch offs I find in his closet and the car). I'm so angry that he is accusing me of gypping him when he has been so careless and never felt obligated to put bills and expenses before his daily fixes. He is dealing with one vice, but the other two are more expensive IMHO, and also more of an addiction. I know I am an enabler by always ignoring and cleaning up his messes, and I want to stop doing that now. But I don't know how to do that. But I can't say this to him. Not now. He hates me as it is so anything I say will have no impact except to make him hate me more. So what do I do?

This is definitely a growing experience from me, but why does growing need to be so uncomfortable?

[mustardseed]

So I had a conversation with him yesterday about the things mentioned in my last post. I agonized over what to say and how to say it for days. I kept praying, "God please show me when the time is right and give me the words that I need to make my points clearly without getting distracted by emotions." Over and over again I kept saying that. I would be full of anger driving and rehearsing all of my words which always reduced me to tears. Then I would see him and soften up--as usual. Torn between loving him and not wanting to say things that will hurt him--and saying what I need to say to let him know that I know how much money he has wasted on lotto tickets, and careless purchases, and his lack of communication when it came to money decisions, and his pattern of blowing through every dollar without one bill being paid. The thing is the more a thought about it, the more I realized what an enabler I have been. I was always there to clean up the messes and I always, always looked the other way.

Then I had a verse of the day come up on a bible app i have that said something like, "Be angry, but sin not. Don't let the sun go down on your anger." And right there was the permission that I have read about in all of my self-help readings about codependency. Anger is ok. As a kid all I heard was "don't get mad". But anger is ok, it is the reaction to that anger that can be good or bad. So that verse kept replaying itself in my head like a mantra. Not only is it ok to be angry, I should deal with my anger with the individual causing it, because if I don't, if I let the sun go down on my anger, it could grow into something really ugly.

So Friday I gave him a heads up, told him we had to have a conversation about money this weekend. And yesterday I waited until I saw he was alone and relaxed and I just spoke from the heart. I might have been too easy on him, but the goal was just to make my points and my concerns going forward. I told him how his past actions have made me feel, and I acknowledged my part in it. I told him that I suspected that most of his spending goes to lotto tickets (at which point i think I saw a shift in his disposition although he said nothing--struck a nerve I guess). And I told him that we need a plan going forward for some of the big expenses that we always know are coming but still seems to catch him by surprise (WTF--like you don't know you have to pay for these things?). Then I said, I know you want a divorce and once you get the ball rolling on that we can have lawyers or a mediator hammer out what is fair, but in the mean time this is still our money, our bills, our spending, and our children and so we have to start communicating and working together to make sure it is all taking care of, and I don't want the kids to sacrifice on extra-curriculars any longer just because at that moment there is no money because I know we can afford it if we just pay better attention to where it is going.

He didn't say much but he looked on the verge of tears. Then he sort of went off topic. Next year's school bills was my biggest concern because we have been pulling that off every year with a lot of luck that we simply can't bank on. and yes, we can affordit--HE can afford it.

When I mentioned that we lucked out this year with tuition, but next year we need to have a plan in place, his response was, "well what are we doing about that. Are we even sending him to this school again next year?" I think he was baiting me, wanting me to get into my typical emotional pattern of pretending things were the same as always and begging him to rethink and accusing him of breaking up a family. But I didn't. I simply said, "I don't know. You want to end the marriage and I don't know what your vision is for how that will play out. If pulling them out of this school is your plan then ok, then me and the kids can move in with my parents until I get on my feet" He didn't like that response and then said maybe he should find a new place to live. I said, "Ok but that doesn't change things about what we need to do about the finances." He said , "I know" but I am not so sure he does. Either way, he looked like he was on the verge of tears, and surprisingly I was not. Then went for a walk to see a friend, and I went for a different walk to let things sink in (that's when I cried).

Later that day he came in and said he was going out and wasn't going to come home because he planned on drinking. He hasn't had a drink since February. This decision was some sort of statement to me, but I'm not sure what. He wasn't angry or bratty or pissy when he told me. He was actually kind of nice. I just said, "OK". Needless to say it wasn't an easy night's sleep last night. But I am proud of myself. I have a fun day planned and will not let his actions stop me.

[mustardseed]

I wonder if him telling me he was going to get drunk was a way of gauging my reaction. To see if I cared or tried to stop him. I know I shouldn't mind read but it is difficult not to.

[mustardseed]

He is definitely drinking again. Do I acknowledge it? He isn't hiding it, is actually telling me that he is doing it. When he first decided to stop drinking and had gone months without it he seemed mad that I didn't comment. I don't know if he wants me to say something about it. I never thought he was an alcoholic but that his drinking had gotten out of control. He said that he knew he would drink again but he couldn't go back to the same daily habit he had before. I agree. I don't know what to do about this. Sometimes I think he is crying out for me to talk about it, but I don't think it is my place to judge him on this and how can I be detached and bring it up at the same time? Our biggest issues are firmly based in the fact that we don't talk about the tough matters (like money, alcohol, really anything even slightly uncomfortable). I finally got the courage to talk about money, and that seems to have led to him drinking again.

I really just don't know which way is up anymore. He is making no move to get the ball rolling in either direction--either separation or reconciliation. And the limbo feels like torture. We are very pleasant around each other since the money talk, but he is always more pleasant this time of year because his work responsibilities decrease significantly. I'm going away for the weekend. I need some distance.

[labug]

What do you want to do?

It would appear that his drinking and the reason he drinks are your biggest problems. These have nothing to do with you.

Do you go to AlAnon?

[Roberta]

You are trying to find answers to hugh topics - finances, alcohol abuse, separation and divorce. I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. You would definitely benefit from the advice of someone who knows how to deal with these complicated relationship issues. Please call to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

[mustardseed]

I haven't gone to AlAnon but maybe it is time to find a meeting. What I want is for him to want to work on the marriage, but he is so wrapped up in his own stuff and pretty much told me he has no interest in doing that. In the mean time I am just trying to keep things afloat. He says he is on board with my plans then doesn't follow through and gets mad when I try to hold him accountable. I think I am finally accepting that this is addiction problems rather than marriage problems, and maybe walking away is all I can do? His drinking has never really bothered me and I never really thought was a problem--I'm still not sure, but his spending--especially the amount he blows on lotto tickets--has always been a problem that I ignored, and I think I am just now realizing the scope of that addiction.

I would love to talk to a DB coach but I am barely making the bills these days, especially now that he moved his paycheck to a separate account that I have no access to. Now I have to wait for him to write me a check rather than doing it myself. I am talking to my pastor, and it helps, but not so much in the DB arena, more in the sanity department.

This weekend I am having a me weekend. The kids went away with grandparents and I am staying in their empty home away from all of the stress of home. It is lonelier than I expected, but I am determined to make it cathartic.

[BonitaL]

Try alanon and divorcecare.org, it's not all about divorce as the name sounds it's faith based and it also supports marriage and separation.
I am getting so much out of it, knowing I am not alone. They support me in wanting to remain in a marriage!

[mustardseed]

Thank you, BonitaL. I'll check that out.