'I have worked on lists...difficult to do...Like you, the dissolution list was much easier to make. When I think about taking the steps to reconcile, it hurts in the pit of my stomach. Not sure what that means, but it's how I feel. I almost vomit every time I think about making a final decision one way or the other. I have had an extremely difficult week. My anxiety is getting out of control. I'm not asking you for anything, just letting you know that I am not in good spirits to talk. I need to go back to my counselor. Want to meet later this week or weekend to talk?'
She's trying to tell you that it's not a good time to discuss this. I think you should wait until she feels emotionally stronger. I believe you are dying to know what's on her list ever since you revealed your own to her. You went against the advice on that occasion and it didn't end well for you.
I really hope you will let her know that you are willing to wait to discuss things. That is, if you are still hoping to reconcile. Good timing is so essential.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What's the rush on the list? Is the sky falling on your head??
Everyone has their own internal timetable of how long they wait or continue to DB. After 8 mos of S, I guess I just feel that the end of my timetable may be approaching. I feel like I've grown as a person (thanks to this board) and I'm getting antsy to move forward with my life, whether that includes W or not.
Part of it is also probably related to the fact that I revealed my list. It was her idea to create both lists, yet I've yet to see hers. Am I prepared to throw in the towel and file D- I don't think so. Just frustrating that W has had 8 mos now to figure out her life and still seems no closer to knowing what she wants.
Can I continue to GAL and try my best to detach while W figures herself out? Sure. But I also don't feel that I can be 100% happy with the constant black cloud in the back of my mind
After 8 mos of S, I guess I just feel that the end of my timetable may be approaching.
What you feel today will be different tomorrow, next week, next month. This is why you hear this maxim all the time around here: This is a marathon, not a sprint.
I'm getting antsy to move forward with my life, whether that includes W or not.
You've got this all wrong. You having a "life" isn't dependent on being married or divorced. This is why you GAL!
Part of it is also probably related to the fact that I revealed my list. It was her idea to create both lists, yet I've yet to see hers.
The discomfort is yours to OWN alone. You just wanna peek at W's list NOW. For what reason? Just to alleviate your anxiety about the unknown? Uh? Own it!
But I also don't feel that I can be 100% happy with the constant black cloud in the back of my mind.
Your personal happiness is not dependent on W, your neighbor, your Sharpie pen, your car mechanic, etc. Your happiness is yours to own.
Google the top 10 books on happiness by Amazon and you'll have a fairly good selection of books on this subject.
Thanks Wonka and Sandi for knocking some sense into me. 8 mos in and I still feel like a newbie at times. I've had no problem GALing, but I don't feel like I'm detached as much as I should be at this point.
I guess I should take the fact that my W is still conflicted as a good sign, but at the same time, it boggles my mind that she hasn't taken any action either way after this long. I think I'm just frustrated/impatient that I've taken certain steps since the S began that I don't feel she has. One of her traits that's always bothered me is her lack of urgency- even simple things such as calling friends back.
Part of my hang up these past couple mos relates to one of my boundaries. If anything sexual has occurred between W and OM, I've told myself that I'm done. She's told me several times that it did not progress that far, but unless we're working on R, she has no reason to be 100% truthful with me. If that did happen, I feel like I'm just wasting my time by not filing myself. Does that make sense? I could be starting a new life with a new girl. I want to start a new R with my W, unless 'that' happened- and until I know for sure one way or the other, it eats me up. I think someone early on told me to assume it did and base my decisions from there, but I don't agree with that.
As I type this, I reread Wonka's post and realize that several of those points apply to this post as well. I need to stop putting so much of my life and happiness into W.
On a separate note- my emphasizing text conversation with W the other night might have shown results in the fact that W called me yesterday. It was just a 2 minute conversation to ask if I'd pack a bag for D10's sleepover and drop it off, but normally she would have just sent a text or had S14 text me.
Sandi, took your advice and postponed last night's meeting to discuss W's list. I emailed her and basically said the following:
I think we should wait, I know you've had a difficult week and the last thing I want is for you to feel pressured. Take your time, go to IC, anything you need to do to feel more comfortable with your list/decision. Once you feel that you're in a better place and want to discuss, let me know.
Hopefully didn't come across as me just waiting around for her. Now the difficult part of not bringing it up again until she's ready.
Glad to hear you postponed the meeting. It would not surprise me if she didn't have a list, b/c she is conflicted and it is pressure on her. I know you are curious and really want to know what she has, but what if it turned out like last time and she didn't have anything?
Making out a list doesn't really mean much. It is agreeing with each other, and more importantly, working what's on the list.
I think you mainly want to hear her thoughts about reconciliation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think you mainly want to hear her thoughts about reconciliation.
Yep- I would love to know what she's thinking, especially since she kind of shut down when I shared my list.
Interesting week ahead. Thursday is our 15 yr anniversary. I know I should probably make plans with friends as a distraction, but I can't lie and say that if she happened to ask if I wanted to go to dinner or something, that I wouldn't say yes. We never had a true honeymoon or did anything big for our previous anniversaries, so we had been planing a big trip for this one. We had been researching potential vacation spots right up until BD. That still blows me away.
Also have Father's Day and S14's bday on Sunday. Probably need to start thinking of a game plan as I'd like to spend the day with the kids doing something fun, but I'm sure W will want to see S14 as well. Would prefer to avoid an awkward family dinner like D10's bday dinner last month.
