She is set on the path of destroying the marriage, her relationship with me as a divorcee, her relationship with the boys, her relationship with all of her sisters, brother and families, and of course with the church too.
She called me today at work to inform me that my S16 is now in danger of failing several subjects due to a nosedive recently in his studies. Gee I wonder why?
You said you took vows, and you take them seriously, and I respect that. But you also have an unspoken "vow" to protect your children, and to uphold holiness in your marriage and in your home. At some point (and none of us can tell you what that point is, that's something only you can decide) you're going to have to decide what is the "greater good" here.
Not only is this your duty as a father but it will give you a much needed self esteem boost to take charge of this situation. Not talking down to you man, I've done similar to yourself!
Have a sit down with the son and talk. His grades are important and he doesn't need the hassle of resitting exams later in life because of his Ma's behaviour. Sounds like he needs some reassurance.
I would take a copy of these grades and show your wife that her behaviour isn't just affecting you. This is not to make her feel guilty. This is to make her realise that her actions affect others beyond you.
I realy resent this "put yourself first" culture we have become. Sometimes, we DO have to think of how our actions affect others. Children especially.
This is an opportunity to reclaim some of your masculine appearance. Women today are seeing us as weak and disposable. Because we let them overstep boundaries all the time
Suspected EA: Feb 2013 Bomb drop: Mid March 2013 Separation: Mid April 2013 (I fought for marriage) Filed for Divorce: April 2014 Accidental Exposure of affair: June 2014
Not only is this your duty as a father but it will give you a much needed self esteem boost to take charge of this situation. Not talking down to you man, I've done similar to yourself!
Have a sit down with the son and talk. His grades are important and he doesn't need the hassle of resitting exams later in life because of his Ma's behaviour. Sounds like he needs some reassurance. I would take a copy of these grades and show your wife that her behaviour isn't just affecting you. This is not to make her feel guilty. Really? What do you expect to achieve with that? There is NO way she won't resent her h for showing her b/c it'll be received as a manipulation, and or attempt to shame, which it looks like.
It's not "just providing information another parent needs", it's "showing HER"...and that is all about control. Think about the goal you stated Redhawk,
One last chance, you can let your son discuss it with her if that's typical for them. Don't wait around to see ANY reaction from her or it'll sure look like a tactic of yours.
This is to make her realise that her actions affect others beyond you.
I realy resent this "put yourself first" culture we have become. Sometimes, we DO have to think of how our actions affect others. Children especially.
This is an opportunity to reclaim some of your masculine appearance. Women today are seeing us as weak and disposable. Because we let them overstep boundaries all the time
^^^ Sheer projection on your part, Redhawk. Your wife was not elected "Group leader" for all women...just speak for your own situation without globalizing it.
Sorry if that sounds too harsh but it's not the type of comment women see and don't react to. (And with all due respect b/c I know you are in pain, but saying a thing like that is just not something a secure man says, which is also not "our" collective fault).
You say you made choices you want to own. Well, own them. Stop the blame game, esp when you enlarge it with sweeping generalizations that do NOT apply everywhere. I mean, what does one DO with that statement? Resent all women? Fear us? Worry about how "we ALL" view you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She is set on the path of destroying the marriage, her relationship with me as a divorcee, her relationship with the boys, her relationship with all of her sisters, brother and families, and of course with the church too. She called me today at work to inform me that my S16 is now in danger of failing several subjects due to a nosedive recently in his studies. Gee I wonder why?
I'm losing control fast.
Dear Dad,
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. It's a nightmare and she has NO business telling you anything they do in bed. Good grief.
Just curious, had she ever voiced comments or concerns about your sex life before?
Are the things they do, very different? Other than that, there's no "useful" info and even that information comes at too high a cost for ME...
Kudos to you for not throwing something. Are you in touch with any anger within? I ask b/c I don't hear so much anger as sadness.
I don't believe in "exploiting" anger and far too many people claim to be "venting" but in reality they are wallowing and then staying stuck.
OTOH, some anger in this situation is extremely appropriate and at times, it helps us to move in some forward direction. NO< not the "scorch and burn" behavior that ends up involving work colleagues and the neighborhood (and cannot be recovered from nearly as easily)
but the type of anger that makes you protect yourself and your assets and of course, your sons.
Regardless of her choices, I really don't believe in telling the kids more than they can handle and few children, even adults, handle this type of information about their mother, well.
Also, I notice that your wife informed YOU of the grades so, why would you need to show her anything?
She already knows the grades are dropping. Whatever value that information has to make her re-think her choices, has happened and will NOT be furthered by you pointing it out. If she were to throw something in your face about it, then I'd probably tell her to look in the mirror for that and walk out of the room.
Do not engage.
Also, you said you are 'losing control fast", but do you mean control of your emotions or of the situation?
B/C if it's the latter, realize that control was always an illusion. Giving up on an illusion is a good idea. Work on controlling what you can control, which is YOU and YOUR LIFE.
More later...hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25yearsmlc, Good questions. From what I recall, she never voiced any complaints about our sex life. Up until the day she moved out we were a 2x per week couple or better... even after the affair was discovered.
No different acts just "feeling". She told me that sex with me was just sex; pleasurable but just sex. Sex between them is SO much more.
I have had anger issues all my life. It's a grocery list item for her. Though I'm doing much better now and have been progressing n the right direction for the past 10 years, I do still blow up and curse from time to time. I have NEVER struck her or my children in anger. Through all this (since Easter week) I have lost my cool twice. Once when she was rubbing my face in it and the second time when I found out my son had t walk home from school because she as at OM's house.
I am sad. I grieve the loss of my future. I grieve the lost of my boys' mom. I grieve the loss of a companion.
I am angry. I'm angry she never told me she was unhappy despite my asking. I'm angry she blames me for all this and has embellished our past with falsehoods. I'm angry she left my S12 sitting at home alone while she went to OM's house to have sex. I am angry that I will likely lose the only friends and family I have known for 23 years (in-laws)
She forwarded the school emails to me, so showing her does nothing. She knows all this. The comment that she doesn't understand is that his grades "nosedived" at the time her affair came up and we started our all night talks.
I'm losing control of emotions and my boys. I have no control over her. I have no control over her feeling or actions. Losing focus because of her phone call today caused me to make a costly mistake at my job. Damaging a $400k Ferrari isn't what I needed today.
You said you took vows, and you take them seriously, and I respect that. But you also have an unspoken "vow" to protect your children, and to uphold holiness in your marriage and in your home. At some point (and none of us can tell you what that point is, that's something only you can decide) you're going to have to decide what is the "greater good" here. Your children are already beginning to suffer.
Starsky
agreed.
Your sons are watching you. They will face betrayal or a huge setback in life someday, of their own.
You are modeling for them, what a man of strength and honor does, in the face of that.
True, you don't have a lot of property to worry about. But you COULD in theory, someday date OW who treats you a lot better. Otherwise you might be showing them that a woman can lie and cheat, in a serial manner, and you'll still be there. So there is a cost to staying... a cost to standing.
I know what you said about vows. I get it....I really truly do.
But there is a line somewhere, beyond which YOU cannot be crossed. Figure out where yours is, (and no, we are not going to tell you where that is, b/c it's so personal a decision that really you are the only one who can make it)
and we'll be here to support you. But do find a boundary somewhere internally. So you will know where it is and when it has been crossed (maybe already it's been crossed) and know what you'll do.
Also, 15% of marriages that divorce, end up reconciling after a divorce.
Maybe she needs to really see that the grass is greenest where it gets the most water.
And maybe you do too. Hang in there and keep on keeping on
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Your sons are watching you. They will face betrayal or a huge setback in life someday, of their own.
You are modeling for them, what a man of strength and honor does, in the face of that.
True, you don't have a lot of property to worry about. But you COULD in theory, someday date OW who treats you a lot better. Otherwise you might be showing them that a woman can lie and cheat, in a serial manner, and you'll still be there. So there is a cost to staying... a cost to standing.
I know what you said about vows. I get it....I really truly do.
But there is a line somewhere, beyond which YOU cannot be crossed. Figure out where yours is, (and no, we are not going to tell you where that is, b/c it's so personal a decision that really you are the only one who can make it)
and we'll be here to support you. But do find a boundary somewhere internally. So you will know where it is and when it has been crossed (maybe already it's been crossed) and know what you'll do.
Also, 15% of marriages that divorce, end up reconciling after a divorce.
Maybe she needs to really see that the grass is greenest where it gets the most water.
And maybe you do too. Hang in there and keep on keeping on
I honestly don't know where that line is. It may have already been crossed. What I would like, if it were up to me, is to see the affair stop and have us reconsile our relationship (not marriage, at least not yet) and hold off talk of divorce.
I would like my boys to learn that true love is unconditional. They can make a mistake and still be loved by me. They can be forgiven.
They can learn that without you laying down as a doormat for your wife. I presume your kids are ordinary children who get in trouble from time to time without feeling unloved.
It's also important for them to learn that actions have consequences.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
