Made sure to wear a new shirt and some new cologne to a school event yesterday W was at. Who knows if she noticed, but it made me feel good about myself. I've also mulched and trimmed the bushes at the house, which I'm sure she noticed when picking up the kids. That was usually something she'd do or I'd help with. Still minimal interaction and now that school has ended, we won't really have a reason to see each other. Trying my best to lay low and stay patient.
Oh, and the kids are starting to get tired of staying with W in her friend's 2 bedroom condo. D10 said she didn't want to stay there tonight. Will be interesting to see how W reacts. I've told the kids from the time she moved out that this is their home and it's up to them where they want to stay and when. They have a choice, but I will neither stop them or promote them staying there just to see her.
'I have worked on lists...difficult to do...Like you, the dissolution list was much easier to make. When I think about taking the steps to reconcile, it hurts in the pit of my stomach. Not sure what that means, but it's how I feel. I almost vomit every time I think about making a final decision one way or the other. I have had an extremely difficult week. My anxiety is getting out of control. I'm not asking you for anything, just letting you know that I am not in good spirits to talk. I need to go back to my counselor. Want to meet later this week or weekend to talk?'
She also mentioned a job interview on Thursday and picking the kids up Thus night.
I'm thinking of responding simply 'Sorry to hear about your week. Good luck at the interview. Thursday night would be great as I have plans. How about meeting Saturday night?'
My W said she had to go against everything she told herself about me and everything she worked through to decide to reconcile. They have to be brave enough to be vulnerable again and when they decide to try to reconcile.
Not trying to discourage you, just trying to give encouragement. Keep working on yourself and become the spouse only a fool would leave.
In my opinion the pain she feels when thinking about reconciling comes from the head and the heart not having the same feelings and from LBS not matching who the WAS thought they were.
M:34 XW:34 Together: 10y Living: 9y Married: 7y Son:6 Son:4 Separated: 12/28/13 Piecing: 5/2/14 Separated 2nd: 10/16/14 W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14 papers served: 1/27/15 D final: 3/6/15
Hiya...it sounds like your W is feeling conflicted.
When truly validating, you would want to mirror your W.
You want to show your W that you do hear her internal conflict, have confidence in her job interview, and boost her a bit.
How about this script:
"Wow. I didn't realize this was how you felt about reconciliation. Thank you for sharing...it obviously took a lot of courage to do so and I appreciate it. As for the job interview, I know you'll ace it! [Insert suggested day to meet with W]" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thursday night would be great as I have plans. How about meeting Saturday night?
Not clear. Are you saying Thursday night is a no go because you have plans? That wasn't clear ^^.
After getting back from going out with some friends, I text W last night to ask how her interview went (is that pursuing??) Wanted to give her just a 'teaser' as to how I could validate and emphasize. Looking back at it, it wasn't perfect, but I'm getting there....
Said they thought she might be overqualified My response- You don't give yourself enough credit for what you've accomplished (she's always thought because she didn't go to college that she can't find a 'good' job)
She revealed that one of her Real Estate deals fell through, meaning she's out a nice commission check My response- That contribute to your rough week? Sorry to hear that. You must feel pretty discouraged.
I asked if she was still thinking of going back to her old Real Estate broker and she said yes. My response- I think that will be good for you. As discouraged as you feel right now, keep your chin up. I have confidence in you.
We'll see if we meet up Sat night to discuss her list. Hard not to 'rescue' her right now knowing she's going through tough times, but I know she has to deal with that on her own.
