Have I any hope...?

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25. I knew I could rely on you!!

We spent a lot of weekends together with our daughter which drew us together as she saw me making changes in my life ie being trustworthy, hard working etc.

This time is a little different. We aren't seeing as much of each other as normal but when we do see each other im hoping she notices my changes again.


I'd assume the first thought that will cross her mind is "oh, I've seen the 'changes' before - and they'll fade as soon as I come home." Your job is to show that the changes are NOT about getting HER back, and are NOT temporary, but about YOU becoming the best you that you can become. Takes time and probably more drastic/noticeable changes.

As for the weekend. It went very well bar a small (or large) blip. I got painting done. I told her I'd stay the night if she needed help with daughter if she was going to hospital to see her dad and if not I'd go on home. She asked me to stay. So we had pizza and a few glasses of wine with a DVD. Daughter was put to bed meaning that WAW and I would more than likely be sharing a bed again. But then D was feeling ill so I went and lifted her into WAWs bed and said I'd sleep in D's bed. Thought that would be a sensible thing to do for D and me not looking like I wanted to share a bed with WAW again.


Since I think you'd mention if you are a mute person, why on earth didn't you just ASK your wife what she wanted, vis a vis where D was to sleep? Not about where YOU sleep, but D...?? Think about it...stop the mind reading b/c that's a lot of the old you and it's NOT helping...show the new COMMUNICATIVE you.

Next day she went to work. I left D to school. Finished painting and helped tidy things in house to help WAW out. She came home for lunch and we talked a little about future plans of our house (it's in negative equity and will leave us with huge debts).

Ahhh....Such a bummer. In our state, to my delight, I learned that the loans are "non recourse" so that if you have to walk, the bank gets the house but cannot get YOU. (In a way that makes sense b/c with a car, for instance, if you fail to pay they can go repossess it. They don't ALSO sue you for unpaid amounts, but some banks seem hell bent on doing just that. However, Most won't).

Check that out with your bank, meaning, is it a "non recourse" loan? If so, that means they cannot get you personally, for the house. Incidentally, nearly all primary mortgagees in California, are non recourse.

Second, figure out if the bank really would come after you and IF SO, for how much. My brother had a short sale and the bank compromised with him. You need to speak to the bank about it and SHOP around if other banks are available. Our main bank stinks, btw...any program that "helps" homeowners but also charges them money for it, is NOT considered a legit company...my neighbor learned that the hard way.

anyhow...


So as she discussed where she plans to live, she mentioned not living in city as it was too far from her family. I suggested (knowing that I should listen only)

but you did it anyhow. I think I'll cross out what I believe you should NOT have said, okay?


it would be good for her, financially and socially, but she again said she would be lonely. I told her she'd meet someone. She said what would happen if she didn't. I told her that I'm sure she's been chatted up loads recently and she'll meet someone for sure. She again repeated what if she didn't meet someone....


ALL of this is nonsense for you to comment upon. What are you, her girlfriend?? STOP talking about her single life!

and this is the mistake I made. "Sure you can just go back out with me again" D'oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think ALL of it was goofy on your end. Just LISTEN and echo the least crazy things she might say like "yes, that would be closer/farther to/from your family" and add NOTHING...

To be fair, I said it with a little joking laugh while she laughed with a nice smile. Not a dismissive one or anything, so I suppose that's good. But a mistake by me all the same.

see above...


Anyway, just received a text from her thanking me for all my help again over the weekend and that the bathroom I painted was looking great. I simply replied "Anytime". I didn't get into a convo like I normally do.

How about "you're welcome", instead of adding "anytime" b/c frankly, that's NOT really something you need to say. Besides, it's not true is it really?


So, I plan on not texting or ringing as normal and won't be going to house to paint for about three weeks so hopefully going a little dark will keep a little momentum going.

In the meantime it's back to golf this week.

Good plan!

Any feedback again would be great. Ty

Ty, see above and remember, often STFU is a good SMART thing.

Now's the time to be a great dad and a ROCK for your wife to lean on when it comes to her grief, or family issues, but NOT about her future as a single woman. Period. When she goes there, you can stay silent. If she actually asks you questions about how HER life will be after she leaves you, you're free to say "I can't really address what your single life will be like, b/c I'm working on MINE..."and switch topics. Let her call her bf's for that type of girl talk.

The Men in our lives are not here to tell us how to get along without them...

Make sense?

[bashy]

Ah jeez 25. I'm reading DB and listening to you but I seem to be bloody hopeless. I believe she is warming to me... testing me perhaps. But I don't really know what else to do bar GAL.

Do I simply get on with life and perhaps at some point she will come calling? Is it 'GAL and see' instead of 'wait and see'?

[bashy]

So I've been lying low this week again without contacting WAW. Lo and behold I just got two emails from her out of the blue. First one is a pic with her and D pulling funny faces. The second one was a lovely pic of them with the message 'Cus I'm happy :)'.

What the hell is going on? My head hurts. Is this some sort of game!!!!

[Anders]

Returning the favour Bashy. You seem to be on a good path and further along than most. We are rooting for you!

[rayzzz]

Sounds good Bashy, but keep a tentative distance still...she is testing the waters and still new to your 180...shoot her back an email "thx. nice pic" but then keep letting her pursue you. This is a marathon , not a sprint but the reward of your M will be worth it.

[bashy]

Heh db and rayzzzz. Thanks for the support. I held off from replying until the next morning and simply said 'lovely pics'. It was tough not to email back straight away.

About to leave work in a minute to collect daughter for a hospital appointment but about an hour ago received an email from WAW who couldn't sleep (it's 5am in the UK). Our negative equity on house and general debt is a real weight on our minds and we've been discussing it so she just emailed to say she's been looking at rentals far from her parents. I replied "We need to sit and discuss all our options because we've made soooo many mistakes in the past". She replied "I know, too many what if's but what's done is done and we've got to face it all now and do something about it... I just want to get organised and start living life again after everything my mum and dad have been through. Cus life really is too short and our D is growing up before our very eyes."

I don't know what to make of this reply? I think I'll just go into WAW home this morning and act natural, not mention debt or home and just leave with D straight away. For some reason I feel a little down after that message.

[bashy]

Been a strange weekend. Collected daughter for hospital but before I left myself and WAW had a lovely chat. Really nice. She was telling me about improvements to her dad etc. I made sure I listened and told her I had my fingers crossed for him.

Anyway, she text me that night to say her dad had been moved hospitals. Again we traded texts. Pleasant. Then we met next day to leave D off. We were chatting as D had a McDs and joking about how beautiful our D was... the wee one gets sooo embarrassed at us doing that lol. Anyway, WAW then said "I can't believe we created something so beautiful". Now, I suppose it could have been the moment and I know we shouldn't mind read but it did set my heart aflutter.

So, despite this I did not text or ring over the weekend and havent heard from her since... no texts. I know it's only a few days but I'm soooo scared she's forgetting about me. Think I'm just having a bad day.

On the plus side I went for a two hour walk today to clear my head. Enjoyed it. Will do more this week.

[bashy]

So no contact whatsoever with WAW since I left D with her on Saturday and which was a pleasant meet.
Although it's only been 4/5 days it seems so much longer given the amount of interaction and (dare I say it) progress in recent weeks.
This is sooo tough. I've been GAL this week with golf and gym but I do have quiet times when I'm wondering why no contact. Has she suddenly gone cold on me? Has she met someone? Should I initiate contact?
Jeez I hate all this despite trying to GAL. Sometimes it seems like things are getting better then you get that awful feeling in your gut and start thinking about the good times together.

[Ben2010]

Do not initiate contact now. Youve made it through the past 4-5 days. No need to dump that and give her the upper hand again. It is hard but you can do it.

[bashy]

Hi all. Wonder if the vets like 25 can help.
As you know my FIL is Ill at the moment. WAW hasn't been in contact until today as he is getting home today but it's in a new house 20 miles from previous as they had to sell due to debt. Anyway, WAW has been stressed running about organising stuff for him and has said she feels guilty as D hasn't been getting her attention.
Soooo, should I offer to stay in her house all next week to help mind D while she does this. Only thing is that my travel to work at night would now become a 50 mile round trip instead of normal 5 miles. I don't have cash for petrol so would need her to pay my fuel to go to work at night.
Should I offer but ask for help with money until pay day next week or continue to just offer moral support? Any help would be appreciated.