too little, too late

[lost18]

Still feeling so sad. My son leaving has definitely left me feeling vulnerable. I'm proud of him and know he had to go, I've wanted him to go for many reasons for quite some time, but he is my son and I do miss him. My house the past couple of days has been too quiet. S gone, D15 always at a friends and D12 at camp, I feel like this is a glimpse of my future and it is very lonely. I don't like it at all. This is supposed to be the time that H and I are off doing new things and enjoying each other and more time for us. Not divorcing.

I realize I'm having a pity party, and my future is what I make it today. Just feeling really sad and lonely, good thing I have an appt with IC this morning.

I have had more contact with H the past couple of weeks. The last conversation (via text) we had was the day S left. I thanked him for calling S an told him it meant a lot to him, chatted about S for a bit and D12 moving into his room. The thing that bothers me is the way the convo ended....basically he just stopped texting, which is what has happened in the past but normally at a point that makes sense. I had told him that when S hung up the phone with H he said "that's the first time Dad has ever said he was proud of me." Maybe that hit home for him, I don't know.

And this money thing is really starting to get to me. I'm not working at all now that school is out, and with our summer plans it does not make sense for me to try to find a job right now. H is spending tons of money on stuff, which is totally normal for him before we go on vacay, but it is just rubbing me the wrong way....grrr.

On a positive note I have been more productive, house is decent, have done some yard work and been working out some. Focus on the positives! sigh

[willbwell]

hey lost, just want to say hang in there. a day at a time, right?
it so helps to look at positives!

[lost18]

Thanks Will!

Feeling better after appointment with IC and talking to my sister. Although I keep saying that I have to stop analyzing every interaction we have I continue to do just that. Realized though that I am usually analyzing the negative aspect of it (maybe an admittance that I'm more negative than I think). The fact that we are interacting at all, other than financial things (3 months ago there was no communication, is a total positive.

* Kids have been out of school for a couple of weeks and he has not mentioned telling them the situation
* he is going on vacation with us
* we are communicating more frequently and the conversations are getting longer
* he is sometimes the one to initiate and keep the conversation going
* yesterday we talked about replacing carpet in kids bedroom, I didn't think about this as a positive or negative until my sister pointed out that if he still cares about the "house" he hasn't slammed the door on coming home. This is also an opportunity for me to do a 180! Yay!! In the past we'd discuss doing things (ie getting new appliances) and I would go look around but never actually take ACTION, time to take action!

Yesterday my IC also pointed out that I have been showing genuine appreciation for him, didn't even really think about it that way! I thanked him for letting me know about his back issues and thanked him for calling son before he left for boot camp! Yay me!!

[lost18]

Riding the crazy train. I continue to struggle with focusing so much on H and our interactions or lack there of instead of me. Why is it so easy to give advice to somebody else but not take the advice yourself. Not that I haven't been doing things for me as well....but grrr!

Finished the course for him, he made 2 comments about me earning 2k for doing it. It pisses me off a little, that was $$ he transferred for plane tix and rental car for our trip for me and his kids! Ignored it, I already thanked him for transferring the extra money. Unfortunately, money to him has always been directly related to his self worth so I guess I shouldn't take it personal.

Goals:
Focus on me and kids
Stay positive
continue to work out
Eat healthier, prepare more meals
Continue to be productive around the house

[lost18]

I just read Sandi's 37 rules again....as I read thru them I think I'm doing pretty well following most of them. Of course it does make it easier that he is working in another country. But still....positives right!

[GoatGal]

"Riding the crazy train. I continue to struggle with focusing so much on H and our interactions or lack there of instead of me. Why is it so easy to give advice to somebody else but not take the advice yourself. Not that I haven't been doing things for me as well....but grrr!"

Hi Lost18,

"Crazy Train" is right!

I'm new here but have been working hard trying to put the DBing principles in place.
The problem is like someone telling you "RELAX!" and you're thinking "Yeah, but HOW? I feel like you're going to poke me in the eye with that sharp stick you're holding!"
We don't know "how" to "detach". Its probably different for everyone. Yes. Easier said than done.


I've done fairly well, but I've had moments where I lost it--BIG TIME.
So I'm no expert.
However, I do find it useful to review what was said/felt (trying not to obsess) for the purpose of picking up on little clues about where to focus my efforts and what I need to change in my exchanges with H.

It's easy to hyper-focus on every little interaction, (especially the "bad" ones!), but trying to "know why" and guess at motivations is a waste of time, because our perceptions are skewed by our anxiety, wishes, fears, pain, and anger.

On the other hand, thinking through what was said sometimes leads to a revelation way down the road.

Just today I finally understood some things H said months ago, now that some time has passed and I have more of a framework to support it.
That part has allowed me to understand him more and have more compassion, and also to lower my expectations of what he is able to give at this time.

So for me, I think reviewing things in the sense of journaling/keeping a log of sorts helps to keep the train on the track, (most days), and also shows where things are improving, which feels good.
Sometimes the positive steps are so small we don't notice them, and we therefore miss another chance to give feedback that will keep the them going with our mate.

But I think it's important to put it in terms of "how", rather than "why".

So instead of "why did he say THAT?" put it more like:
"He said X, Y, Z. How am I feeling about that, how did I react to that, how did HE react to my reaction, and how can I make our future interactions more positive?" sort of thing.

It sounds like your goals are doable and within your control, in addition to being healthy!

Good luck and hang in there!

--GG

[lost18]

Thanks for the response GG.

The problem is like someone telling you "RELAX!" and you're thinking "Yeah, but HOW? I feel like you're going to poke me in the eye with that sharp stick you're holding!"
We don't know "how" to "detach". Its probably different for everyone. Yes. Easier said than done.

Very true...knowing what to do and how to do it are not the same, unfortunately!


My IC has been telling me to stop living in fear. H has already hurt me as much as he can. But, now I'm living in fear of confirmation of that hurt. Does that even make sense?!?! I'm hoping for the best, trying not to have expectations but that isn't working out to well! In 3 weeks the girls and I leave for vacation, 2 weeks after that H will join us. I'm am trying to make a plan on how to handle everything but am worried I won't be able to control my emotions.

I have found myself focusing too much on the bigger projects around the house and letting the day to day stuff slide...not good. Need to find a happy medium!

I am trying my best to stay positive, keep busy...productively busy and take it one day at a time.

No expectations, no expectations, no expectations!

[willbwell]

when you are on vacation plan on being in a happy place mentally. Don't let h get under your skin. this is your vaca- enjoy it. enjoy your kids. there might be moments. take a deep breath...and know you can do it.
You have good goals!

[lost18]

I know that's what I have to do and that is what I'm going to focus on.

I get so mad at myself sometimes. 4 months in and I get upset about the stupid little stuff. Last night D12 said she has been texting H for 4 days and he has not responded. I asked if she wanted me to text him from my phone and she did. I sent him a text asking him to call D12 and that she has been texting him. Right away her phone rings, great. A little bit after they hung up I sent him a quick TY text. No response. It didn't really require a response...my problem is my EXPECTATIONS! grrr! I just can't seem to control them.

I read thru my first thread last night, I am doing so much better than I was, not obsessing about possible OW, taking care of myself, no breakdowns. But still have a long way to go.

Last night, after his non-reponse, I of course start thinking about possible OW, I know that re-reading my thread put that in my head. I also started feeling used. I finished his course for him and how he's back to NC! In reality I know I'm being crazy trying to figure out (as usual) his thought process or maybe there was no thought process at all.

Still putting entirely too much focus on him and not enough on me! Not sure how to change that dynamic. Per my IC I do do a lot of self-talk (sounds weird to me) to stop negative thoughts and stay focused. Still need lots of work in that area. Funny thing, even when I'm out doing for me, especially walking/running, a lot of thought about H!

Positives:
Made a decision on carpet. Still need to talk to H about it.
Have been exercising more consistently
Been working in the yard, cleaning up the back
Taking D12 to beach today, not really comfortable with myself in swim suit now but will suck it up anyway!

Things to work on:
Day to day things around the house
budgeting
job

[lost18]

Hmmm....just reading some posts and reflecting a little bit. Maybe I haven't made many changes. I feel like my life is still the same, my thought process is still the same, my house is kept up better but overall still the same. I have been on the computer for about an hour already this morning...still the same.

Still feeling sorry for myself too. Get over it and get moving!

Funny how I can think I'm making changes and when I really take a look at myself realize I've been lying to myself about it. Need to make some genuine changes for me, what am I so afraid of?