Have I any hope...?

[bashy]

I'm really struggling today. My WAWs interactions with me recently are making me really miss her more than ever. Especially after last nights message and the texts between subsequent. I know she's warming to me but is it a test? It's hard to not try and think what she's thinking and I know that's wrong.
I went out to play golf today for the first time in 10 years. Cleared my mind a little but god this is hard. So want to ring her and tell her I want her back. That our old marriage is over but we can start a new one. I won't Ofcourse because I know that's wrong but this is soooo hard.

[Riley]

Y'll ain't better until she comes crawling across broken glass begging for forgiveness. IMO the bath scene was to keep you around, see if she still has you.

Don't break my friend, don't break for anything less than what you deserve.

[bashy]

Did I do the right things this weekend Riley from what you've read?

[rayzzz]

I agree with what Riley said. I am in a similar situation (no bathtub) but my WAW was so flirty and warm with me Sat that I started to feel she wanted me again...and then two days later she is back to "I just want to get out of the relationship so I can heal". Its like getting your arms and legs blown off and we think a kids band aid will be enough to suture the wound. I never knew pain could run this deep and I feel like i am on fire. I miss her every second of the day so you are not alone. Get back on the golf course and max out the GALing like a warrior...so she sees and is attracted to the confident you. I am playing Ultimate Frisbee (first unlikely team sport in thirteen years) and then trying a Qui-Gon class (Great for stress). We all got your back here dawg

[bashy]

Thanks Rayzzz. I appreciate it. I feel your pain. I know the hurt. Like I sad b4, I was getting on with things then she's contacting me more and we're getting along great but that makes things worse as I start thinking about her. Even reading DB makes me think of her more. If there's one thing I'm doing right (well I hope it's the right thing) is that I'm not initiating texts or phone calls. I wonder if the more experienced DBs can guide us both at this difficult point ie why are our WAW doing these things to us right now like the bath incidents etc. I know 25 has been great already with me.

[bashy]

So my WAWs dad is in a pretty bad way in hospital. He's 59 but looks 80. He is an alcoholic and basically his liver has packed in. The family haven't been told he is on death's door but WAW is extremely worried.

So I'm needing a bit of advice from any vets out there...

How do I approach all this? We are getting on better than ever since S and I stayed last weekend at our home which went pretty well. I want to support her in anyway I can but also understand that she needs to stand on her own two feet - plus I don't want her thinking I'm doing this just to get back with her (although if I'm honest I want her to see how what she had and is missing).

I'm down this weekend for one night to continue painting for the eventual house sale but I'm concerned that she will see me as Plan B.
Me helping around the home and being a gd dad was never the issue. It was my lack of GAL and us going out with friends. But I feel by being there for her when her dad is ill can only be a good thing. She was great with me when my mum died 6 years ago. In either case I am very fond of him and it is awful to see him in this way.

I am continuing to GAL slowly but surely. Another day of golf this week plus visiting my friends.

Again, how do I approach supporting her at this time? Am I doing the right thing?

[25yearsmlc]

Y'll ain't better until she comes crawling across broken glass begging for forgiveness. IMO the bath scene was to keep you around, see if she still has you.

Don't break my friend, don't break for anything less than what you deserve.

This is the most punitive thing I've seen written here, in over 7 years.

Please Bashy, don't follow this^^ path. And Riley, how's this approach working out for you?

Btw, it's NOT a DB approach, at all. So maybe you ought to consider a different site...

[25yearsmlc]

So my WAWs dad is in a pretty bad way in hospital. He's 59 but looks 80. He is an alcoholic and basically his liver has packed in. The family haven't been told he is on death's door but WAW is extremely worried.

So I'm needing a bit of advice from any vets out there...

Just so you know, YES you've been having positives with your wife lately. My DB coach would argue that you should "listen like a lover" meaning, LISTEN and pay attention and validate her experience. Don't try to "Fix" her grief, b/c it's her dad's life/problems and if he's on death's door (my dad died from liver problems)

then she'll hit the floor. She may bottom out and look to you (gonna make her walk on glass, THEN???) OR she may act out. Remember, that's what YOU did when your mom passed away.

How do I approach all this? We are getting on better than ever since S and I stayed last weekend at our home which went pretty well. I want to support her in anyway I can but also understand that she needs to stand on her own two feet - plus I don't want her thinking I'm doing this just to get back with her (although if I'm honest I want her to see how what she had and is missing).

Be kind to her. Offer specific help (such as 'picking up groceries/medicines, cleaning in laws yard" or whatever helps. Your job is to be a pillar of support and to SHOW UP for your wife now, more than ever.

Model for her, what you would want if you were in her shoes. Compliment her strength or dignity if it comes up. Mention her being a good daughter to her dad, if applicable.
What are HER Love languages? Meaning, how does she RECEIVE love, and how does she GIVE it? (See the book "Five Love Languages" by Chapman. IT's not a hard read but it does contain some good insights and reminders).

Contribute to her "love tank" and absorb and acknowledge it when she gives or shows love and compassion to you. Compliment her.

Be there for her until her family crisis has passed, which it won't do in a week or two. As you know, if her parent died, it'll be a long process for her. Know that and don't get impatient. But when her family crisis has passed, your job will be to model a man only a fool would leave. Strong, honorable, selfless, showing leadership. There will come a time when some mystery would help and if you can do it without appearing unsupportive during her crisis, go ahead. Otherwise, wait. Meaning, don't act as if you have a date a week after her dad passes away...

Make sense?


I'm down this weekend for one night to continue painting for the eventual house sale but I'm concerned that she will see me as Plan B.

gee, maybe you should be nasty to her to "show her a thing or two!!" (Yeah, like she was right to go...???)

Me helping around the home and being a gd dad was never the issue.

You said you were a homebody and a couch potato. So look good and be strong and be active. You can do that and be kind and supportive to her.


It was my lack of GAL and us going out with friends. But I feel by being there for her when her dad is ill can only be a good thing.

It IS a good thing and frankly, if you blow it, NOW, you can quit the whole thing. For many people, acting out when a spouse really needs you, is unforgivable. Surely it's hard to forget.

She was great with me when my mum died 6 years ago. In either case I am very fond of him and it is awful to see him in this way.

Then do the right thing. You know what that is.

I am continuing to GAL slowly but surely. Another day of golf this week plus visiting my friends.

Again, how do I approach supporting her at this time? Am I doing the right thing?

Doing the right thing is usually doing the loving thing. Sometimes you have to let Life give them the consequences of their choices. Now is not that time.

When she calls you in the middle of the night, LISTEN to her. Share stories about her dad if you can, b/c the more you show her how you actually feel about him, the more the bond is. But let HER do most of the talking when it comes to her dad...

hope this helps.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

You walked out on her after your mom's death. (Remember?) Did she make you "crawl across glass" to come home?

How'd you come home? How did she treat YOU?

[bashy]

Hi 25. I knew I could rely on you!!

We spent a lot of weekends together with our daughter which drew us together as she saw me making changes in my life ie being trustworthy, hard working etc.

This time is a little different. We aren't seeing as much of each other as normal but when we do see each other im hoping she notices my changes again.

As for the weekend. It went very well bar a small (or large) blip. I got painting done. I told her I'd stay the night if she needed help with daughter if she was going to hospital to see her dad and if not I'd go on home. She asked me to stay. So we had pizza and a few glasses of wine with a DVD. Daughter was put to bed meaning that WAW and I would more than likely be sharing a bed again. But then D was feeling ill so I went and lifted her into WAWs bed and said I'd sleep in D's bed. Thought that would be a sensible thing to do for D and me not looking like I wanted to share a bed with WAW again.

Next day she went to work. I left D to school. Finished painting and helped tidy things in house to help WAW out. She came home for lunch and we talked a little about future plans of our house (it's in negative equity and will leave us with huge debts).
So as she discussed where she plans to live, she mentioned not living in city as it was too far from her family. I suggested (knowing that I should listen only) it would be good for her, financially and socially, but she again said she would be lonely. I told her she'd meet someone. She said what would happen if she didn't. I told her that I'm sure she's been chatted up loads recently and she'll meet someone for sure. She again repeated what if she didn't meet someone....

and this is the mistake I made. "Sure you can just go back out with me again" D'oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To be fair, I said it with a little joking laugh while she laughed with a nice smile. Not a dismissive one or anything, so I suppose that's good. But a mistake by me all the same.

Anyway, just received a text from her thanking me for all my help again over the weekend and that the bathroom I painted was looking great. I simply replied "Anytime". I didn't get into a convo like I normally do.

So, I plan on not texting or ringing as normal and won't be going to house to paint for about three weeks so hopefully going a little dark will keep a little momentum going.

In the meantime it's back to golf this week.

Any feedback again would be great. Ty