I've been on this site for about two months now and am just now posting my story.
In February of this year it became very noticeable to me that something was different about my husband. He was emotionally distant and we had completely stopped ML. I approached him this and I got the famous ILYBINILWY. After further questioning I also found out the has "was interested in" someone he had met that works in his building. At that time he said he had been talking with her for the last month or so. I made it clear that I wanted him to stop speaking with her immediately and he agreed he would.
H has made several comments and had some behaviors that make me think he is in the midst of a MLC. He was been obsessed with working out and his body, he bought a new convertible sports car, he has bought new clothes, he feels like he hasn't been a good father, he feels like he can't give me the things he thinks I want, he says he feels like he has nothing to offer anyone and he just wants to run away where he has absolutely no responsibilities. And of course I am the cause of all of his problems and the reason he has not been able to achieve the things he has always wanted to do. Of course, I do not deny that we did have problems in our marriage, who doesn't.
During the next couple of months following the bomb drop, we (or maybe it was just me) had a couple of blow ups where I did some yelling, begging, reasoning, etc. and he ended up telling me he was making plans to leave. At the end of one of our heated discussions, though, he asked me if he could have more time. In my warped mind I thought he wanted more time to decide whether he wanted to move out, but as I later found out he just meant he wanted more time before he actually did move out. He was just waiting until after his son graduated from high school, his grown daughter moved out and the lease was up on the house we are in, which all will occur in June of this year.
Needless to say, the last couple of months have been a living nightmare. At first I was in hyper drive feeling like I needed to read every book out there and try every method I could find to "fix it" (including reading DR). Every couple of weeks I would check in with H to see if he had cut off communication with the EA. He said he had told her "that his wife didn't want him talking to her any more". But he said that he would still run in to her and that she kept trying to initiate conversation with him but that he would try to cut her off.
In the beginning, H actually asked me out for drinks and we would go to dinner together, although it always seemed more of a friendly gesture than as husband and wife. But every day was a roller coaster. I never knew when I walked in the door at the end of the day what kind of mood he was going to be in. It was like a knife in the stomach when I would come home and get the cold, emotionless H. I was having trouble sleeping, was not eating and have lost about 20 lbs (the relationship crises diet is no fun) and was generally exhausted both mentally and physically.
Call it woman's intuition, but one day I came home and I knew something was different with him. I asked him if he had talked with the EA that day and he said he had. I felt as though I had lost all trust and generally felt defeated. How could we ever fix our marriage if there was this outside influence that would be sabotaging any efforts we made? I made the decision (mostly for my health) to move in with a friend the next day. At the time I moved out, though, I really had no plan and had no idea how long I would be gone. I ended up moving back home after a week and a half.
When I came home, though H let me know that because I had done that that he had made the decision to detach from me even more. So, ever since I've been back, he no longer calls me, he will no longer eat a meal with me (he will not even eat the food that I have prepared for both of u) and does not include me in any of his plans.
I have been trying to GAL and do things that I enjoy. I've had one telephone session with one of the DB coaches. He told me to try to remember and begin becoming the person I was that H fell in love with. I'm trying to do those things but I feel like I am on a time countdown before he moves out.
I am having a hard time reading him at times and so wish I knew what was going on in his head. Like last night I went out and stayed out pretty late with a friend. He made it a point to come and ask me how our night was. He even shared a funny story with me and we had a meaningful conversation. Was that a good thing that he asked? I always cling on to anything positive (like when he uses "we" in any conversation) and I never know if I am misinterpreting things. One of my goals was for him to initiate conversation with me.
I just would love some feedback and to be part of this community of people going through similar situations.
If you have been reading for a while you'll recognize Cadet's reply as standard but it's all really critical info. Believe me, I get how hard it is to detach, focus on yourself and GAL. I am NOT there myself at all but taking baby steps. You will feel so much better if you do.
Keep posting.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
If you have been reading for a while you'll recognize Cadet's reply as standard but it's all really critical info. Believe me, I get how hard it is to detach, focus on yourself and GAL. I am NOT there myself at all but taking baby steps. You will feel so much better if you do.
If there was one thing I could advise it would be detach!
Yes, I have read DR, and I think I've been doing a pretty good job of detaching and GAL. A couple of days ago my husband announced that he was going to go forward with his plan to move out. I tried my best to act like I was totally fine with that and that I would be just fine without him. Well, now he is coming by the house every night and hanging out. He has even sent me a text asking me if I still love him. I expect that I will see him again tonight. How should I respond to that question? Of course I do still love him but not sure if I should be "spilling my guts" just yet. Any help would be appreciated.
Haven't been on here in a while but would like to start posting again and would love some feedback. I slipped for about a month and thought I would try another marriage saving program which will remain unnamed. Started back on DBing at the beginning of August as I seemed to getting more signs of results with DB. (I know, I should have known better.) H has been giving me mixed signals or signals that I am having a hard time interpreting. We are separated but have seen each other a few times when he has come by to get things. This last time he came over was very positive. He was complimenting me on the way I looked, said he missed my cooking and other nice things. When he was leaving he hugged me - I mean really hugged me! As soon as he left he started calling me all day (he hardly ever calls, only texts). My confusion is then within just a day or two he was right back to his cold, distant stance. H always seems to call and show interest when he sees (on FB) or hears that I am out having a good time with friends (especially our best friends we hung used to hang out with as a couple). As an FYI, there is still the OW in the picture. I hate to admit that I check his phone records and they had a record phone call that same night when H came over and things were great. I know she is influencing him and it is killing me. How do I ever get the B!@$ out of the picture so we can reconcile?
Hi, Sam. Just popping in to offer support. Keep your chin up.
Stop checking in on what H is doing with OW; no checking his phone or his emails or anything. That's just misery for you, wrapped up in controlling behavior. You can only control you and your actions, not what he does.
Start by focusing on you. Do things that make you feel good. Change you for the better and things will fall into place.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
