Part of the job of the DBing spouse is to be as attractive as possible, right? Brush your hair and teeth, make an effort to smile and be pleasant. Don't be over the top effusive, but put your best foot forward at all times, right?
Okay. I got that. Gussy myself up a little bit.
Don't wear the sweats and put my hair in a ponytail all the time. Check.
As for the 180s....If you HAD been doing all of the housework (okay - let's just say that you shelled fresh pistachios for your spouse every morning for breakfast and made their tea) - do you just STOP doing that? That would shake things up. It would definitely be different. But if they asked, "Why?" - What's the answer?
OR - does it just make sense to GAL and get out of bed and out of the house to an exercise class early in the morning and simply NOT prepare any breakfast?
My spouse has declared that I was the perfect wife. He loved his life before. He has even told me (recently!) that he was HAPPIER a year ago (before he actively sought out a "friend"). So I agree - clearly something wasn't working. How perfect could life have been?
I'm going to re-read the sections on 180s, but I feel the same as CQ. If I 180 everything I go from being kind wife to pretty mean wife.
Tricky for me, too, because the one complaint that he's told me of is that I wasn't attached enough to him...I gave him TOO MUCH space. I didn't watch tv with him on the couch at night, or play games with him, rather electing to do my own thing. So...that IS something that I've 180ed on (now I sit with him at night, rather than doing the dishes or reading a book...).
What is the question and who are you directing it to?
Haha...You didn't get the question in that total ramble? Sorry. The question was just directed to the general knowledge base here. I would LOVE your feedback, Sandi2! (You tell it like it is, which is good for me...)
Question: Does it matter WHEN you start to 180? And is one supposed to 180 everything? I was under the impression that one should try a few 180s...Stick with those that work, and drop those that don't.
My H says that "I'm practically perfect in every way." I've identified some things that he didn't like (I didn't spend time with him in the evenings) and 180ed those issues.
If I 180 something (like no longer making his breakfast) I can see that he might gain appreciation for the fact that he was spoiled...But what if he asks Why? What's the answer? Yes, it would make him see me in a new light....But clearly that can't be my response.
We never really seemed to have spats until OW entered the picture. Our relationship seemed very symbiotic. And while all of our arguments about OW were the same (and fruitless - shocker), my 180 on that is to simply drop the rope and STFU. Get a life. I have NO influence over that arena....
And now, reading other threads and reviewing books I realize - the 180 is just one of the techniques. It's good to change the "sameness" of fighting and to alter perspective.
But I'm thinking the most important thing for me to do is GAL.
Don't worry about what he's doing with OW. Do worry about myself...what would make me happier? More interesting (to myself!)? What could I do for myself and/or my community that would help me to stop perseverating on the things that I can't control?
While 180s may be good (changing behaviors that didn't work/make me unattractive), GAL is really much better.
First step in GAL for me...It's time for me to put the books away and step away from the computer! H will be home the day after tomorrow, so I really won't want to be perseverating on the issue anymore...I don't like him seeing me reading the books or checking these websites, so it's good that he'll be home. I'll be much better about monitoring the time I spend on this issue! Time for a new hobby or two or three!
Still figuring out boundaries, which is a trickier problem since I really am DONE talking about OW.
It's been a week and a half now and I've been trying some 180's. I keep a positive attitude when I am around W. The 180 I am doing is not being a caretaker anymore. It's hard but doing it. A few days ago W and I were together in the room. She was peeling stickers off of a wall board. After she was done I reached out to the table to gather up the pieces to throw away. I caught myself cleaning up after her. I stopped and left all the pieces on the table. You know, I kinda felt good afterwards. Another one I am doing is NOT making any initiative to start conversations or talk about R and M. I would only say hi when we are together. If she starts a conversation, I keep my answers upbeat and short. Very short. For example, she bought some blue berries and said they were really good. I tasted one, and said "yes they are". Didn't ask where she bought them and if we should get more.
Today we were both off from work the entire day, she came down to my living quarters and said that she was going to go out with a friend for tea. I said good. She left and I thought she would be back no later than a couple hours. She didnt call or come home for over 6 hours. I didnt call her or anything. I made my own plans to go out to dinner with a friend. I went to get a hair cut and came back home. And guess what...? She was home and down at my living quarters making dinner. I came in, and said, "hey, I didn't know you were going to be back so I have plans to go out to dinner." She replied, "ok, good." I left it like that. I showered and got ready while she was still cooking. I was whistling as I was getting ready. By the time I got dressed and ready to leave, she was eating alone. We both were silent for most of the time. When, I was leaving, I told her, "I'm leaving now, see you later." She said "ok". I left out the door without even looking at her. Vets, please let me know if I am doing this the right way or not? Was I too cold? I felt good that I am taking a stance for myself. I also felt good, because I was doing what she was doing to me (not letting her know who I was going out with, or where, and for how long). And No, I didn't call her at all when I was out. She didn't call me as well, that kinda hurt. But hey, this is how it is now and I am starting to slowly accept it.
In regards, to the exposure of the A, I haven't talked about it much. Though they say it is over, I of course, have my doubts. I am giving her the space and time to see where or which direction she wants to go. Either D or reconciliation. In the beginning of this sitch, I have always thought that this(time and space)would only pushes us further apart. I tried to reason and talk genuinely about how we can build a new marriage together. That didn't work because, I see now that it suffocated her. But we will see with all this new technique I am trying. In addition, something in me is always on the lookout for a concrete piece of evidence that the A is still going on. If I do find anything, that will be the last straw for me and everything will end, by my choice.
July 4th weekend, she hasn't made any plans for us and I haven't either. For sure, I know she is going to do something with her friends and I will not be included. It's fine, cause that's what I am expecting.
In response to: Poster: Thornton Subject: Re: what do I do...
"Think of your WAW as having been abducted by aliens. She's been brainwashed by them. Unfortunately, the effects of being brainwashed take time to resolve. There's no antidote except time.
In the meantime, she's going to act really strange and not seem like her old self."
Help, anyone, vets. I have been working on my180s and detaching and feeling better about me. W and I have been getting along peacefully. Then, Just the other day, I caught W and Om meeting up secretly for lunch. They tried to hide their whereabouts. I felt really uncomfortable with this. I spoke to her and she said they were meeting up just to talk about a realestate transaction that the Om needed help with. If i didnt ask then she would if just hid the encounter from me. Should I tell her that I don't like her making contact with him like this? Giving her my boundeies. would this be considered an ultimatum that may push her away? Don't know what to do. Please, I need some suggestions.
What I want to do is draw the boundaries. But afraid it may back fire on our progress. I know she will look at it as controlling. How do I set boundaries without seeming to control?
There used to be a poster here named Jayne, who summed up boundaries just about as simply and clearly as any way I've ever seen it explained:
Jayne, on “boundaries”:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.
If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.
Your position with your wife is "Look, you're an adult -- you can do whatever you want to do, and I can't control you nor do I even care to. All I can tell you is what *I* need in a marriage, and one where my wife continues to have contact with her affair partner doesn't work for me. It sounds like we both have some decisions to make."
