Think of your WAW as having been abducted by aliens. She's been brainwashed by them. Unfortunately, the effects of being brainwashed take time to resolve. There's no antidote except time.
In the meantime, she's going to act really strange and not seem like her old self.
Thanks Ben. But don't you think it would just be considerate if she let's me know a little? Hate feeling like a doormat. 180 to me is like Mr. Nice Guy turning into Mr. Mean Guy or Mr. DGAS Guy. So not me. But I do agree the technique is valid.
Got a question for you all. WAS comes down to my living quarters and we cook together sometimes when she's home. Is this a good thing or a not so good thing if I am trying to detach. I almost want to tell her to stop because it hurts when she leaves back to her part of the house(upstairs).
What would an attractive person do? I always ask myself what would James Bond do. If his wife goes out do you think he's going to sit at home worrying about it and asking her a ton of questions? Or does he go out himself and have a good time, not even thinking about what she does?
And if she comes to cook with him and then leaves don't you imagine he's just going to continue about his business and not act hurt?
Yes this is probably a 180 for you. Yes it can be hard at times to not know what she's doing. But I'm pretty sure she knows you care. It's not about being mean, but it's about being a strong attractive person.
Rec thanks for the encouragement. I do see your point. It helps. Hope you are doing well with your situation. Wow, I can't imagine what you went through. Many thanks for being on this forum.
What would an attractive person do? I always ask myself what would James Bond do. If his wife goes out do you think he's going to sit at home worrying about it and asking her a ton of questions? Or does he go out himself and have a good time, not even thinking about what she does?
And if she comes to cook with him and then leaves don't you imagine he's just going to continue about his business and not act hurt?
Yes this is probably a 180 for you. Yes it can be hard at times to not know what she's doing. But I'm pretty sure she knows you care. It's not about being mean, but it's about being a strong attractive person.
But don't you think it would just be considerate if she let's me know a little?
Why should she???? I don t run next door to tell my neighbor when I'm leaving, where I'm going or what time I'll be back. You are just a neighbor living on another floor of the building.
This makes twice since posting your thread you have gone to her seeking what she is not ready to give you. This time you asked her to trust you? Why, have you been unfaithful, abusive, or something we don't know about? I think you tried another gimmick that many LBH'S have tried and saw it fail. Bargining with the WAW who is in A.
I think you really wanted her to tell you she could be trusted, but she didn't. She doesn't care if you trust her or not! You're a neighbor to her. And right now you are the enemy in her eyes. Can you understand that? She may hate your guts, IDK, but she feels no commitment to pledge anything to you at this time. You can't trust her when she is doing nothing to prove otherwise.
Why do you continue to expect her to respond as though she had the same feeling that you do? You keep pressuring her for an expected response. You don't get the one you wanted.....and then you are even more upset. I'm trying to tell you it doesn't work? It won't work next month, either.
She sees zero attractiveness in you, okay? It's normal (for a WAW) to feel what she's feeling. She is wayward! It would not be normal for a loving, faithful, woman who is sexually attracted to her H and wanting to work on her M. She doesn't. A lot will depend upon what she chooses from her own free will. Unfortunately, her emotions will probably lead over her will. But you CANNOT force her to feel what she doesn't feel.
As far as I can tell by what you posted, she has not said anything to leave you with the impression she even considers ending the A or being in a M with you. And by the sound of it, I have to wonder if you weren't issuing some threats about OM's W.
The OM gave his word (whatever that's worth to ya) that the A would stop. Did she agree......or say nothing? They don't even know what is in store for them. Just wait till the craving hits. Those times your W came home in a really great mood? Have you figured it out yet?
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180 to me is like Mr. Nice Guy turning into Mr. Mean Guy or Mr. DGAS Guy. So not me. But I do agree the technique is valid.
Then you don't understand about the 180's. You want to stop feeling like a doormat? Then stop getting your tail in a kink when she decides to live like a person who is S from her H. Your pressuring techniques were rejected. What other techniques will you try, if not 180's?
You agree the 180 technique is valid, but say it's not for you. Okay, can you tell me how it makes you a mean guy? I would like to know, in case other newcomers have the same thoughts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"This makes twice since posting your thread you have gone to her seeking what she is not ready to give you. This time you asked her to trust you? Why, have you been unfaithful, abusive, or something we don't know about? "
No, I have never been unfaithful. Simply wanted her to know that we can start building from trust.
About the A, both says it was just emotional and it is over.
I've always pampered her. Suggesting she stays home when I am working at our shop. Even when she wanted to go I would tell her to relax at home. Taking care of the home chores like dishes and laundry. I felt if I stopped all this it would rub off as becoming mean to her.
"What other techniques should you use?" I'm not sure at this point. I think I need to practice the STFU technique, if that's one. I guess in a way, go silent go dark. Trying to accept now that patience perhaps is the key. And I know I must GAL and detach detach detach.
No, I have never been unfaithful. Simply wanted her to know that we can start building from trust
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The point I'm trying to make is not to make yourself sound like there's some reason she's not been able to trust you. This isn't about her trust in you, and you know it. And she can't give you trust, she has to earn it. True, you can't watch over her 24/7, but if she gives any indication of wanting to work on the M.........it will be her place to prove you can trust her. But she is nowhere ready to even discuss what it would take to reconcile. At this time, she's not interested.
Maybe you should read again MWD's section in her DR book about 180's. What may be a complete opposite action for another person wouldn't be for you. And vice-versa.
If you are still practicing your old habits of carrying her highness on a feather pillow and cleaning her house, cooking, etc. b/c you want to spoil her........I suggest you evaluate how that worked out for you. Three different times in seven years she has told you she was unhappy. Maybe she was bored, IDK. But if you did everything, what did she do with her time? You are nuts if you continue on with it. I promise you, she does not respect you as a man for serving her as a houseboy.
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I guess in a way, go silent go dark. Trying to accept now that patience perhaps is the key. And I know I must GAL and detach detach detach.
180's make you Mr. Mean Guy, but going dark is okay? Going kind of dark for a day or two doesn't usually work well if you can't stop yourself with the other stuff. But yes, if you think you can do it, go for it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, again thank you. Great points you made. We spent the day together today at home. I was surprised, she didn't just take off. Lil confused, but holding up my guard and like you said, "she has to earn it" (my trust). Point well taken. Made me feel stronger. Thank you.
Good, b/c she should see you being stronger and you need to feel that you are. FWIW, it is not the easy times that make us strong, but rather the bad ones.
The same can be said about building faith in God. As a child, it didn't require much faith for me to believe in God. But it was when I grew up and faced some scary times that I learned really how to apply my faith in Him. And with each experience, my faith increased! If I had never had a problem in life........there would be no need to have faith.
Life is going to hand us bad times along our journey. We can face it as a strong person who has dignity, integrity, honor, values, standards, boundaries, etc. Or, we can try to hide in fear, shame, regret, self-loathing, ....and the list goes on. Sometimes we have no choice in the hand we are dealt, but we do choose how to respond to it. As a woman who was raised in a traditional family, I was blessed with the strong male leadership of my father. I actually did not fully realize the extent of his influence until he passed away. It's been over 28 yrs ago, and his influence in my life is still effective . It never ends.
Of course, my mother was a strong role model for me, too. But since you are the man here, I wanted to encourage you to not give up being a good leader for your family.....especially your children. Stand up for what is right and don't compromise with what you know is wrong. Your W will respect you for it, and your children will learn from it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Going kind of dark for a day or two doesn't usually work well if you can't stop yourself with the other stuff. But yes, if you think you can do it, go for it.