I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[Zues126]

DBin- I feel your pain, I really do. Just know one thing- you aren't ready to be in an R when you can't live without it.

Think about that for a minute. Really. I feel where you're coming from, as do many. And the last thing you want is time on your own, ANYTHING to comfort yourself.

But there is nothing you can do to force your ex back. Only things you can do to drive her away (which your neediness will as you've seen).

The question is what is so terrible about being alone? Why are you so uncomfortable in your own skin? Is it the pain of rejection and being abandoned? Is it that the real world is too painful so you've created a fantasy of how great your life will be when you reunite, it will solve your problems because you will finally understand each other perfectly and share pure love so strong it transcends superficial differences? Those were some of my problems, read my thread.

The reality is though your life will always be a disaster until you learn to walk on your own two feet. Now, if you're like me you say- 'great mr. Know it all, but I'm not strong enough to do that! How do I get from here to there?!!!' Well, it's like any other problem. When you hit rock bottom and truly NEED to change you will find a way to do it because you HAVE to. I HAVE to change because I DO hope to reconcile and DO want to be healthier no matter what. I was damn near suicide for too long, I'm done running from the fact it was my own destructive outlooks bringing the pain on. So if you are done feeling this way then stop thinking its about your ex, or because you're missing out on your fantasy utopia. It's in your head and outlook.

Frankly you sound as mixed up as many drug addicts I've known, and smart enough to rationalize and distort logic to avoid reality and the need for REAL change. I'd recommend finding a therapist and when you feel like they don't understand you and just don't get it...think again. It IS VERY tough but if you really want to feel different in the future than you do now it is what you have to do.

Anything else is self deception. You have a broken arm and I'm telling you to go to the doctor. And you're thinking 'but if I just had a new puppy dog I'm sure I'd feel better, I want a puppy!!!' At some point even the best bs-er acknowledges reality after enough pain. Are you there yet?

[Ss06]

Dude, you stay dark until she starts showing signs that she has been given ample opportunity to process everything. See? It's all on her now so it makes sense for you to take care of you, GAL, stay dark, go to meetings, NOT DATE and figure this sh!t out completely. You think you're in pain? Imagine finding out that someone you love has been cheating on you for a loooong time... And how did she find out? From the broken hearted OW. OUCH!! You're in deep. This isn't about convincing her that you're worth it or good together or that you've finally found the magic elixir that will keep you faithful, this is about you giving her the room and the respect she deserves to heal. She may or may not come back to you but if you're all up in her face after a month, she's definitely not coming back. This is about her. Her. Back off. How long? Only she knows and you're not giving her the space to figure that out.

[Maybell]

We're not being harsh, we're being honest. I have not read one sentence in your story (and I've followed it closely) in which her needs have even made it onto your radar. Until you truly recognize and desire to meet her needs, she's right to make you a smudge in her rear view mirror. She has almost no life investment in you. Her greatest experience of you is searing pain and continuous disrespect. Why on earth would she be attracted back to you? "Because I want her" isn't a reason for her to feel attracted.

[DBinSF]

Thank you for your responses. I AM committed to getting my [censored] together. And I understand that work needs to be done on my own. I have huge swings between "pink cloud" euphoria of what my life will be like once I truly have my feet firmly under me, and total despair that I've ruined the greatest thing in my life. It's a roller coaster.

Maybell, how do I learn how to meet her needs? How do I get them on my radar? I really want to learn that. Even if it's from a distance, or so I don't make the same mistakes again in another relationship.

Thanks1

[Maybell]

Concern for her needs means you acknowledge that she is a person separate from you with her own specific perspective. When you can see how she sees your actions -- all of them over the course of your entire relationship -- from her point of view And ONLY her point of view, THEN you might be ready to proceed.

In the meantime she has been quite clear that her emotional need is to be done with you. You must respect that.

[Zues126]

My opinion is that she needs someone less needy. So to meet her needs you must be able to meet more of your own. Your perspective hasnt budged from 'doing whatever it takes to get her back'. Thats not growth, thats further controlling and manipulative behavior. Until you can envision being healthy on your own you are bringing her down even if you could force her back (which you cannot!).

[Maybell]

Yes, Zues, that too.

[MrBond]

"I know a few members here have some harsh judgements for me, but perhaps others have a little more compassion for what is a very painful and regretful situation. "

First of all, EVERYONE who has posted to you have compassion towards you and your situation. You seem to think that those who can't answer in a way that YOU want aren't compassionate. Think again. A little humility too would serve you well.

As for what you need to do, I don't know what else you expect. Everyone has told you to leave her alone - your coach, the posters, her friends, your fiancee, etc. But for some reason you don't want to seem to accept that.

You cheated on her, complained about her sex life with you, etc. and evidently cheating was the one thing that she won't tolerate. If she had that deep seated boundary within her, there's nothing you can do to change her mind. That has to come from her. Unfortunately you're going to need more patience. Especially since she responded so angrily to you the last time you contacted her. I mean you can keep changing and maybe from word of mouth through your mutual friends, she'll hear about it. But the trust has to be re-established from her end.

Give it more time.

[DBinSF]

Thank you for this. Do you mean she would need ME to be less needy? And not just that she needs SOMEONE ELSE than me?

[Maybell]

DB, do you understand that your fiancee decided that you were the man she was going to entrust the entire rest of her life to? And you ripped out her heart, threw it on the ground, stomped on it, and showed the mess to another woman? And then the other woman wrote a letter to your fiancee telling her that you had done this?

That is what an affair feels like to the person who has been betrayed.

Now imagine that had been done to you. Don't just sit here for a minute and imagine it. Really think, for a while, about what it would feel like to have that done to you, what you would think of your loved one afterwards, what you would feel about yourself for having trusted that person, what you would think of the integrity of the person with whom the cheating had occurred.

At what point in her position would you want to revisit any of those feelings if you didn't have to?

She didn't marry you. She probably feels like she dodged a bullet that she found out about this stuff before the wedding.

I'm not saying this to be harsh on you or to condemn you. I'm saying this because I lived it and you don't get it. All your thinking is about you and how hard everything is for you. You haven't demonstrated real remorse. You changed your behavior because it cost you something you wanted. That's not remorse. Zues's point about you being needy is true because you placed your needs above hers at every turn. Including now. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh.

If you let her be, respected her pain, and really concentrated on being a better person, you would be asking different questions.

If you really FELT her pain and understood the way you eviscerated her with your actions, you would be on your knees just asking for forgiveness and understanding that she is her own person who had a right to be treated with love and respect and honor.

If you what real remorse looks like, go search for a poster named JFred. That guy is suffering. He comes here to talk about his suffering but he's taking responsibility for his pain.

Again, this is not to condemn you. But you're never going to get anywhere with the attitude you've shown here.