Have I any hope...?

[Momo]

Another question. If he does ask for a separation and to see a lawyer how do I respond to that. Do I just say ok. ???

[25yearsmlc]

Bashy

what are your GAL now? I mean the real ones...and your 180s? I think you must post more about those and NOT about your w.

You are getting too enmeshed in the mind reading. Your w knows where you are and how to be clear about HER Needs, wouldn't you say? So you can be sure that if she becomes sure, you won't have to keep guessing and wondering b/c she'll tell you, don't you think?

So, back to YOU...

[bashy]

Fair point 25. Well, I've upped my time at the gym to an extra day a week (four days now), I'm out every Sat/alternative Sunday with friends for a few drinks (which is a miracle considering when I was with W I NEVER went out) and I have taken up snooker for the first time since I was a teenager. I go once a week with my dad. I've also been going to the library one day a week to read more... god how I've missed reading.

[25yearsmlc]

Fair point 25. Well, I've upped my time at the gym to an extra day a week (four days now), I'm out every Sat/alternative Sunday with friends for a few drinks (which is a miracle considering when I was with W I NEVER went out) and I have taken up snooker for the first time since I was a teenager. I go once a week with my dad. I've also been going to the library one day a week to read more... god how I've missed reading.

Okay that^^ is good stuff. For ME, GAL mandates some activities that involve OTHER NEW PEOPLE, not so much the bar scene, and Learning or Doing something NEW...

Here....For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids, including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL & played a role in your sitch, I think. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w. Okay, so...

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater. I met some NEW fun creative people. I got cast, too. What a blast, b/c rehearsing/performing totally occupies your mind.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Hollywood Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.
I learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.
Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape.

Looking good made a world of difference to me. (Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club, after 15 years of ignoring it while on active duty. (Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

I'm sure you can think of some things you would like to at least try. Meeting people who do not know your situation is very helpful to stop the obsessing about her.

[bashy]

Fair point 25. Well, I've upped my time at the gym to an extra day a week (four days now), I'm out every Sat/alternative Sunday with friends for a few drinks (which is a miracle considering when I was with W I NEVER went out) and I have taken up snooker for the first time since I was a teenager. I go once a week with my dad. I've also been going to the library one day a week to read more... god how I've missed reading.

Okay that^^ is good stuff. For ME, GAL mandates some activities that involve OTHER NEW PEOPLE, not so much the bar scene, and Learning or Doing something NEW...

Here....For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids, including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL & played a role in your sitch, I think. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w. Okay, so...

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater. I met some NEW fun creative people. I got cast, too. What a blast, b/c rehearsing/performing totally occupies your mind.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Hollywood Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.
I learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.
Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape.

Looking good made a world of difference to me. (Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club, after 15 years of ignoring it while on active duty. (Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

I'm sure you can think of some things you would like to at least try. Meeting people who do not know your situation is very helpful to stop the obsessing about her.

I was actually thinking of her less in recent times until I noticed a change in her contacting me. I suppose I need to up my game in regard to GAL.

[25yearsmlc]

based on how much you talk about her and "her" interactions and all the energy that you put into what MAY or MAY NOT be happening, yes you do need to GAL big time.

You have to break out of your old patterns b/c I fear that even if she did want back in, you'd revert. Not right away, but soon...see Crimson's recent post if that is confusing b/c He claims his changes would not be real if he had recon too soon after the divorce. And maybe they tried to reconcile too soon...

My gut says your changes are more tactical than real, meaning, you are intending them - but they are really just to get her back. Not true changes coming from a desire within, to do so.

Hope that makes sense.

[bashy]

It is. Many thanks. I think I need to work on this.

[bashy]

Been down to home of WAW to paint today before house goes up for sale. Getting along great. Then this afternoon as she gets a bath she invites me into bathroom to talk about what to order for dinner. I said are u sure u want me in here. She replies that it's nothing I haven't seen before. When I go in she's covered in bubbles. Then as we talk she sits up exposing her body. I stayed calm and said nothing.
Then she gets out after we chat for a while and I get in. She's in and out of room as I bath chatting away. She says "we're the most disfunctional family ever lol". I laughed to.
Then we discussed taking D out tomorrow as it's a bank holiday here.
Anyway, I'm staying the night but she's nipped out to her friends for a few drinks and is staying there. I told her to have a great night.
Before she leaves we visit her dad in hospital. He's very ill and it's a shock to see him. He looks awful. Liver problems. She sees I'm a bit upset and she gets upset too. I tell her he'll be ok. We then leave. That's her for the night now.
Soooo.... what am I doing about me? Well I've just booked drum lessons for myself lol always wanted to try it. I'm trying to GAL and being proactive ie getting house painted so we can sell and I can get my own place. But all this today and her ringing everyday for last three weeks is making it tough. It's not as if I can go totally dark as we have our D. Tomorrow should be interesting.

[bashy]

Just home after a few days at WAWs home getting it painted. Went with her to hospital to see her bad. He's in a very bad way. Liver issues. We left and she burst out crying. I tried to console her but didn't hug her. When we got home she looked shattered. I called her over and gave her a hug that I should have before. She reciprocated. She joked that I was small with her in her heels. We both laughed.
We sat chatting that night over popcorn and TV. Then when it was time for bed I asked for blanket for settee. She said I could share bed with her. We slept soundly but apart with no hugs or anything but I did not try any of that anyway.
Got up next morning and instead of sitting about whole she was at work I finished painting while D pottered about. She arrived home and thanked me for all my help b4 I left.
It was a very pleasant weekend and nice to spend time with her and D.
I will again detach with regard to contact until collecting D but I'm hoping as I try to improve my GAL she thinks of me and how well we get on at weekend.

Did I do ok from the above? Is she warming to me?
Any thoughts I'd appreciate. Ty

[bashy]

Just got text from WAW at 3am. She couldn't sleep which is an ongoing issue with her: "Just wanted to say thank you for your help/support with everything. I really do appreciate it :)"