too little, too late

[lost18]

I have been keeping busy, trying not to obsess one way or the other (not always successful with that but better!)

I worked Friday, played softball, went out with the team after, dinner with friends and D12 and a minor league baseball game on Saturday and Sunday worked in the yard with D12. Have definitely been more productive lately...of course not having a computer helps with productivity!

In other news H sent me a text at 1am Sat (930am his time). This is where the obsessing is hard to control.

He texted me to send a check to somebody with their address (somebody from where we are going on vacay). Then said "that will be all." (pretty typical for him...he thinks it's funny!

I responded, "I don't get to know what you bought?" (I already knew because the guy posted what he was selling on FB)

He told me what it was (a canoe with a trolling motor and fish finder) and I simply replied FUN! He replied "for fishing only" and some more info. To which I simply replied HAHAHA. He told me he also ordered something else, and I let him know our renter already has one and he said "well, we have one for the garage then." Few more informational exchanges and I did not drag it out.

So of course here's where the obsessing comes in...he bought a canoe! And he said WE!! so I spent quite a bit of time trying to decipher the meaning of these things! LOL!! Now a canoe is not necessarily his thing, but I've been wanting a couple of kayaks. But it does have a motor! he's also a total impulse buyer...bottom line STOP OBSESSING!!

Overall I think it's a positive, but obsessing about something gets me nowhere!

Fast forward 2 days later: I sent him a text letting him know the check was in the mail and I was also writing a check out of "his" account for D12's travel ball. He barely responded, just asked "how much" I told him and he didn't reply again! So just proves my point that obsessing about what he's thinking is a waste!!

This does get easier but there are times my emotions get the best of me. Today I was cleaning the garage, and I was having a hard time not thinking about him, the garage is his area! I had to change the radio station a few times because love songs make me sad still. But, while I was cleaning the garage I was kicking myself...why didn't I do some of this stuff before he decided he wanted a D?!?! I know I can't change the past, but I still get mad at myself for not doing things that now I realize would have showed him that I do care about him.

Hindsight is 20/20.

[lost18]

Feeling a little sad today, lonely and missing H. Sigh. Need to get busy but am not feeling well. I'll snap out of it I'm sure.

Had appt with IC yesterday. She thinks I'm doing great "being neutral and giving him space." I am trying to focus on the positive things I've done instead of what I still need to do. Not always easy. Part of becoming a positive person.

I wonder if this would be easier or harder if H was actually here instead of overseas.

[lost18]

Crazy how I can go from doing so well to so crappy. Haven't had much going on so it allows my mind to wander...too much. Proof that GAL really does work.

I have a busy weekend coming up and today is the last day of school so I'm sure D12 with try to keep me busy. Time to refocus on my goals and stop getting distracted with things and thoughts that are out of my control.

Sometimes I just want to tell H to F off and grow up and stop being a selfish A-hole!! You don't just stop communicating with your wife of 17+ years who you have children with. I know that won't help me reach my goal so I just vent here and to my sister.

Sometimes I think I should just give up and move on....but then I think that isn't what I want, and realistically I would be doing the same thing I'm doing now anyway so why give up on something I'm not ready to give up on?

[whytry]

lost18, I'm on the same roller coaster of emotions. I push myself to stay busy as much as I can. Please know I'm no example to follow, but I will encourage you with all I can. Stay positive!

[lost18]

Thanks WT, I appreciate the encouragement. I truly do believe that keeping busy and GAL is the key to survival!

I feel H is starting to open up a little more, no R talk but just talking in general. Thursday night he had sent me a text about something he had asked me to do, I responded and that was about it. Friday morning I asked him something pertaining to that and then decided to test the waters a little.

M: BTW, guess what I saw the other day
H: What's that?? (he responded!!)

I told him and we texted back and forth a few minutes about it, even with a little H humor involved. I though the convo was over, was not going to respond again and he texted again saying that he thinks I'm going to have to rethink my plans for TX (son's boot camp grad)maybe not bring the girls. I responded asking why and stating they would be mad about that and told him what I was thinking. I than rethought that, pretty typical response from me so then added if I had to I would. I asked him what was going on and he told me he was concerned about spending the $$ because he hurt his back pretty bad and wasn't sure how much longer he would last at this job. We talked a little bit about that and I ended it by thanking him for letting me know.

There are lots of things that were going thru my head about this convo of course, but I think the fact that he even decided to tell me about his back is a big positive.

D12 and I were out of town for the weekend at a tournament. Being in settings like this are always a little lonely for me. Although there are one or two other single parents there most of the other families are couples. Of course, since H has been gone 6 years this is nothing really new, I'm usually alone at these things anyway...just different now I guess.

Driving home I thought, A LOT! I don't need him, why am I putting myself thru this, etc. etc. And of course the opposite as well, picturing a happy future. But I always come to the same conclusion: I love my H and I want this M to work. Now it is a little easier to see that I will be OK either way, but trying to focus on my goals and stay positive.

So, yesterday I decided to reach out again. Sent him a text asking if he got to see Pres. Obama as I saw he was over by him. He responded and we sent a couple more texts back and forth. I wished him a Happy Memorial Day and he said "Thanks!" Again, I thought the convo was over and then I get another text saying d12 told him about her big win this weekend! I of course replied letting him know some of her highlights and we shared a few more texts. One of the things he did say "sorry to have missed it." Of course I'm sure he is, but I think for him to say that to me is definitely another positive along with him being the one to keep the conversation going!

I know these are little things, but def positives considering the lack of communication over the past few months. Now, again, the hard part for me is to not read too much into anything and "have no expectations." Very, very difficult.

I really feel like I have to make the most of this family vacation this summer, I keep saying it's my last hope to cast some doubt on his decision. But I really have to focus on me and not get too wrapped up in what he is or isn't doing.

[whytry]

lost18, I wish I could help more but since I caused my own heartache I don't feel I have the right to say much. Stay positive. I rethink so much of the communications with my W just like you. Is it helpful IDK. I do feel my heart skip a beat when a text, call, or email pops up. Not that everything is positive since several communications have been about insurance, divorce pwk, etc., but it still doesn't stop the feeling. Thank you for sharing so I know I'm not the only one.

[bashy]

Sometimes I think I should just give up and move on....but then I think that isn't what I want, and realistically I would be doing the same thing I'm doing now anyway so why give up on something I'm not ready to give up on?

Hi lost, just reading your story here. This quote is me down to a tee. Some days I go 'what is the point'. Perhaps me and my WAW could get back together but then what if it all goes wrong and I end up were I am now? But I suppose that is what GAL is all about.

Stay strong. I have my fingers crossed for you.

[lost18]

Thanks Bashy and Why, I appreciate your responses. I don't respond to many posts because I don't know that I have anything to say that would be useful to anyone! But know I do like getting responses if only to know I'm not alone in my thoughts.

I feel like I should be posting more about what I am doing to GAL and 180's and such but find myself just writing my thoughts and interactions mostly.

I still feel I have a big road ahead of me to make changes that I want to make. Especially when I look around my house. My IC continues to tell me that I need to focus on the accomplishments and positives and continue to work on things I haven't accomplished yet. We could all probably be nicer to ourselves.

I have been thinking about what I posted here about my interactions with H and am trying to keep myself grounded, I find myself getting too hopeful and worry that I'm setting myself up for more hurt. Have the interactions been more positive, yes. But it could mean many different things or nothing at all.

I think it's time to set up a lunch date with a friend and get back to GAL!

[whytry]

GAL & 180s are really helping me. Keep doing them and feel good about what you accomplish. My small "victories" are all I have so I strive for baby steps.

[lost18]

Just checking in. I feel like I'm going in circles. Normal I guess. H texted last night, regarding $$. We ended up texting for over an hour about different stuff...not just business. Still have a lot of work to do in regard to being able to control my emotions, especially with family vacay coming soon. I still allow my interactions or lack of with H to dictate my emotions. Not that he knows that. It really does come down to GAL...and I'm not doing enough of that.

My (H's) niece is having her graduation party today, that means seeing most of his family. Really not concerned about it like I was the wedding. I will go, have a good time, be positive!

S18 is leaving tomorrow for bootcamp. I'm ready for him to go, he's ready to go but it will still be a tough day I'm sure.

30 day ab challenge starts today. I need to get motivated. Have not been exercising enough and really want to lose some weight, that way I don't have to spend too much $$ on new clothes because I will fit into clothes I already have.

I am realizing I'm not doing the "big" things I need to be. Working on the little things which is good, but it's the big things that are key in helping save my M I think. Mostly the whole job thing. I have some things I need to do this week but really need to work some job searching in there too.

Think it's time for me to review my goals and get a better plan of action together.