This is the day....Be glad!

[willbwell]

man, i just wrote a whole thing and it disappeared. Hate that!
OT, thank you for your reply. I did do something nice for myself yesterday. Got a haircut. A cute summer bob. It is short and sassy! I took some pics in case I want to go on match someday!

Went to a support group meeting last night. 15 women. All ages, all walks of life. no one is immune to this...
A lot of pain in that room.

We were talking about negative emotions and letting go. I said I want to release resentment that I feel towards h. I was so surprised at how easily the tears came even after being at this for more than 2 years now. That resentment is still so front in my brain. I want to wake up and say I don't care what the heck h is doing. i never know anymore if he is in town, out of town. It doesn't really matter anymore. He does what he wants to do. I need to do what I need to do.
I need to go take a walk.

[nero]

hey i=hi -

it doesn't come easily - does it- not caring after a lifetime of being caring and caring for others and about others..

if only we could shut it off for them, like a faucet. half the time i don't even like the person he is now- can i totally envision him gone forever - not really. i have no visions of future any more. glad to be alive tho- hope that continues (at least til i get a pod on my bank accounts so none of my sisters even has a prayer of inhetriting anything i've worked hard for.

nice huh? what a bunch of mean spirited women tho- i am serious - no one evetr has a kind word or word of gratitude to this woman whose left them a tidy big blob of money (ultimately) everyone is merely griping like mad about not more=- couldja die????? i'm down on human race (or at least my sisters)

would i "get used to it" if he did get lost- probably. i guess we get used to all sorts of stuff we hate the thought of in advance. well, even criminals survive in prison= our instinct to live i guess. we just keep on.

idk- i can see a sappy sentimental moment on tv and it makes me gets teary eyes. personally- i wish i could blub like a baby for about a week and get it all out. haven't been able to - at all about this- or my sister dying in 2008 - i'm still waiting for a time when it feels like everything is "done" - i guess to let loose and give in to being "weak". still feels mighty like i'm in "fight or flight" mode as usual- so can't go breaking down now.

i thougt that my mom dying would signal an end to most stress- silly me- other pressures of a different nature cropping up. thankfully- not life and death kind of stuff. just people and their bid to make others somehow responsible for their happiness.

i'm working hard at keeping my eye on the ball here. i think we all should only feel gratitude if we're alive and healthy and maybe scale back on the big expectations and entitlement junk.

just me - i'm just sayin.

hang on man- i walk too - i have resentment too - i try not to let brain go there. i see all around me women running the family- totally - totally - tey ARE the glue that holds it all together and keeps everyone alive and functioning. i don't know what to say about that- the moms raise the kids and keep the family unit together.

can you tell i'm raised in a house of women and lack any big glowing examples of men taking care of kids ???? never saw it happen really.

good news is - they will love and adore you til you die- fathers, maybe, but not so much. it's the moms who rule the world - there below the surface - in reality - in life.

sorry men- your compadres do not always make a good showing when it comes to kids and caregiving.

we love our mommas.....

[willbwell]

You know, we can't have negative people in our lives. It does us no good.
I want joy and goodness and gratitude.
have to cut loose those that want to bring us down.

i wish I had more time to read and focus on self improvement, self fulfillment.
We will be ok, I know it.

I want to cut this man loose. It is happening slowly i think.
He is witty, and sexy and charming. He is also selfish, a bit narcissistic and has become a liar. MLC or not.... I think it is. as the script goes, I may move on finally and he wakes up too late. Isn't that what happens sometimes? idk, I think he likes the single life, no responsibilities.

Having drinks with friends tomorrow. Made eye appointment for next week. Need new glasses. need to do it while h is paying bills.

going to paint my bedroom while D is at camp.
I love getting stuff done.

[willbwell]

just got a response from h on financials. It gives me anxiety.

Here he wants me to compromise yet he was unwilling to compromise on the marriage.Can I say that to him?

He just stopped by. I acted as if nothing. At first I was going to be back in the bedroom when he came, but decided I want to show him strong me. Not hiding!

hate this.

[nero]

it is pitiful, isn't it? i feel that too. th is business of always haveing to worry about the side "you're showing" and strate gy, etc. i am a woman with no strategy.

i hate not feeling like being who i am is "good enough" - i want to just stop allll the bs - be me- be loved for that and tell everyone else in world to go drop dead.

unmfortunately- can't just yet. have to "play this game" jockey for position, etc. sorry my dear- i feel your pay and annoyance- it does $uck big time. are we supposeed to be consoled by how wise and so forth wwe are going to be when this is alll over??/ slim consolation

ui just want positve happy people around too - also i see in my h what you describe - a charming big fat liar- where did the nice guy go?

oh well- i'm outta here so i do not go "dreary " on you. you sound good tho- head on straight- i wonder also if we bail - will they ever wake up and cry because they f'd up their own livwes and happiness (i have slim hope he'll weep because of the pain he's caused me) .

oh well-

i guess i'm glad i'm not as blind & selfish as that?! can that be a consolation? maybe they are our good bad examples of human-hood? idk-

xxo

[willbwell]

trying to decide what it is that I want to be about. i know I am a great mom. love doing stuff with and for my kids. This d is now changing all of that. It is just that there is less time.
I am too tired all the time. I take AD. I exercise(some- could do more) i eat healthy, but feel like I have chronic fatigue.

I want to get to the other side. want to move on from the trauma of this sit.
2 years and it is still impacting me. .

[willbwell]

what a strange evening. I get to go out with friends because all of our special needs kids are at a camp together. This is truly a rare opportunity!
We go to a place and seated right before us is a party of 20. Our waitress offers it is not usually this busy but its a going away party. It's h's same CO. I didn't know any of the people( thank goodness) but it was 3 men and more than a dozen women.
Its no wonder!!
Felt the desire to text h and say I had an interesting evening....
I did not.
i had a good time with my gf's
Said to gf's wouldn't that be something if h walked in. This is now how he rolls...
Leave it. I don't want it.

Was supposed to talk with h while d16 at camp. to discuss more financial. he said nothing about it.
Another week goes by. Think he is out of town again, but who knows??

I spoke with accountant today. got some info.
Have been looking into guardianship and ssi when d turns 18. That will be a whole new can of worms...

CS and spousal support is not just typical.

H's sister comes in townon Friday. staying with us. Really don't know if h will stop by to see her. I say nothing.

still doing HW.
going to a good women's group tomorrow night.

feeling better.

[willbwell]

25, you out there? H is moving not to Alaska, but may as well be. It will be 4 hr plane ride away. count in another 2 for getting there, parking, shuttle...
the kids will not go visit him there.
he'll come back in town once a month, maybe twice...stay at a hotel.
Don't know how he thinks he can parent that way.

talking with him tonight. we keep making these appointments to talk but then it never happens.
I want to ask, if that is the lifestyle he really wants.... I guess I know, MLC'ers don't know what they want and can only run.

I am still friendly( in less than a neighborly way) when he comes over. I don't contact him. The little he is here, I am busy...

Bills are still being paid.

My classes will be coming to an end in sept, but I am going to tell h that I will wait until the new year to look for a job unless something falls in my lap.

Sometimes i am so disgusted by how he has chosen to behave. other times I am sad for him.

[willbwell]

we finally discussed some finances.
somethings,he agreed to.

I was surprised to hear him say he will want to buy a house( in other state)

he mentioned taking d16 back with him for visits. i said i didn't think do. I was too quick to respond on that. just said it was too far for a short time. his only out of town with d16 has been to disney. where we live now, he only has her for an overnight.

he was said he wanted to see d16 when he can. I said see h, operative word... when you can. What about when d16 wants to see you??

he would get annoyed at times and say... what else?

showed him my budget.
it all stinks.

[willbwell]

feel defeated even though it will be a decent settlement.
need to get my gratitude back...

recognize those feeling right so they don't fester...

this is reality. how do i want to take this , how can I WBW, make the most of it.

It is like I am trying to talk myself into something.

tired