have not posted in a while. was looking but can't figure out how to link old threads.... my last- you think this song is about you- got locked.
Today was anniversary. Happy to report I felt just another day.Maybe this is a sign of my moving on. I didn't feel sad or emotional. last year on the anniversary, i took the kids to dinner. Today, it wasn't anything special.
The d did not go to dismissal.I met last week with L and a financial planner. Have not seen/spoken to h in a week.I sent him a counter proposal. Got no response(yet)I will ask h about it. We were trying to negotiate some outside of L. I had already showed my L his first proposal. L thinks it is good and generous( for our state) I disagree. I know enough to not agree to anything with h without my L going over.
h, my L don't seem to be bothered by the HUGE income disparity. H will still make his big salary. at best I would make 1/4 of what he does. I get the house, but all the expense that goes along with it. Sure I could sell it and eventually I will downsize.
Just finished exams last week and I start my new classes tomorrow.
see my C tomorrow too. She saw s20 last week.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Is this the right attorney for you? For me, this dissolution is ALL about the money. If my attorney wasn't on the same page with the financials, I'd look elsewhere.
Think hard on this one. I can think of nothing worse than going through all of this and wondering if I could have gotten a fair deal with another attorney.
Awesome on finishing your exams!!! You go girl!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
good job on getting through the anniversary. Mine was Friday and I did have some momentary sadness but went out and had a good time with a girlfriend so it was just another day also. We'll just always remember those dates. Tell your L your concerns, you can always get a 2nd opinion, most attorneys give you a free consultation for the first visit
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
the money issue here... h got an inheritance from his mom. It is in his name only. It has a substantial amount of money in it. I asked h for half of that. He agreed. This money was/is our safety net. its there to pay excess bills or unplanned expenses or to be used for our future is what I thought!
h is not legally obligated to give me this money since it is in his name only.
My L thinks if I push too hard for more support that h will pull the offer off the table. H will continue to pay D's child support forever( 2,000) month.
What I don't like about it is that if the sole account split out half. H still has his salary which is 4x's what I could make at best working full time...Told h I want to be on equal footing with him. His expenses go down and mine go up.
Told him I don't want to be greedy here but he holds all the cards.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
This is what we do. have a discussion about d. see the L ,then no movement. H wants the d but he wants me to do the work.... I was almost tempted to text this morning and say lets talk Sunday about the d. lets get this done. is it what I want? I still don't know. I am almost having to remind myself what a jerk h has been. What I am working on is trying to let go of these feeling of resentment. the stinking thinking still pops up two years later. I guess I am still waiting for that moment to happen when I I think yes, this is what I need to do! For now, we've been status quo.
I know what h brought to my life. I have 3 great kids. For 20+ years I have lived a comfortable easy life. I have gotten to live in some great cities due to h's job changes. I don't want bitterness. I don't want ugly/ I want to get beyond having this longing for h when I see him. h will forever be in my life because of D16. I know I will be ok. I know there is a purpose and and plan for me.I know I can't rush it.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Let him do the work - if there ever comes a time where you can't do this any longer, you'll know when that moment comes. Until then, just give it to God and patience. Forgiveness is hard sometimes, I've said this a lot but it really has helped me with resentment, "may <insert his name here> have all the good things in life that I've ever wanted for myself" say it every day for 2 weeks, do not miss a day. see if you've let go of some of the resentment after that. if you miss a day then start over. It doesn't seem like that would work but I learned it from my IC and for me it did help and I still say it especially when I'm feeling any anger or bitterness towards exH. Count your blessings every day. This D does not define you. One day you will have inner peace.
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
I was almost tempted to text this morning and say lets talk Sunday about the d. lets get this done. is it what I want? I still don't know. I am almost having to remind myself what a jerk h has been. What I am working on is trying to let go of these feeling of resentment. the stinking thinking still pops up two years later.
I'm not sure I agree on T with this one Will.
He has been doing this "Speed things up, then stop" thing for awhile. It's the old Hurry Up and Wait. He gets you all stressed out about the D and, then, a big fat nothing.
What's gonna change if you pursue the D? You will be on sound ground financially. He will have set visitation days. He will be held accountable financially and, somewhat parenting-wise.
I mean, at this point, the D will give you some things you can count on because the law will back them up. Right now, you are still swinging in the wind at his leisure.
But, do you have to text him about the D? I thought you had a lawyer? Have your lawyer call his. That will get his attention.
I say Call his Bluff. He thinks you are just waiting and willing to do whatever he decides. You are the mother to his children and deserve better treatment. You won't get it unless you demand it...and, have a lawyer back it up.
He's been calling the shots too long. IMHO.
You can do this. You are the mother of a special needs child. We are a special breed...wayyyy tougher than we appear.
It's just a piece of paper.
Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thanks for the thoughts. I feel I have been able to forgive h- I realize he is human, he is sad. I would not want to be in his place .I think he is in MLC. I don't excuse the impact this has had on our kids especially S20. I realize these are choices h has made.I so see the script in h. He is really only in contact with D16. which for the most part is a daily text and an occasional overnight at his apt. little time with the boys- an occasional lunch or movie. 0 hang out time.He isn't judged by D16. i don't want to judge him. Disappointed? Sure. My resentment is based on me doing everything for the kids while h is out living his single life. Can I change this? No. I love doing for the kids. There is no "visitation" schedule. D16 doesn't want it. She is ok with the way things are. I am not going to make her do something that she does not want to. Besides, h is moving to another state come september.
Heather, h and I decided to "talk" about financials first before going to L's. My L charges 350/hr. we are both, I would say still trying to be amicable. I've told H it is much easier for him to be amicable to me than vice-versa! Thus far, h gave me a proposal and I gave him a counter. I've not heard back since the counter...Its been a couple of weeks. I know I am getting closer. The process is working. I know I am getting stronger. My rose colored glasses of h are starting to come off. T, I will use that mantra. I do pray for h.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
My XH makes a butt load of money and I don't get $2k/month for one kid. If I were you, I'd tread very lightly.
I know you're a couple years away, but my D17 turns 18 in March, and life as we know it will change greatly once she is an adult. She will qualify for SSI (covers shelter & food) and the support formula can and will change for her once my D17 turns 19.
If I were you, I'd make sure to consult with an estate attorney who specialized in elder and disabled law (perhaps the one who set up your special needs trust) and make sure that you don't have to revisit this anyway in a couple years. Child support cannot be written for life. So please get this done the right way so you and your H have clarification on how this will affect all of you.
For the record, federal SSI is about $720/mo and has a formula to go down depending on what the financial situation is for your D15 at emancipation. You have to charge her rent in order to keep it. I can't even begin to touch on this because it's very unique, so please, PLEASE make sure that your agency or community board is brought into the equation too. You're probably okay for now, but things are very different once they turn 18.
You truly need some specialized legal advice here...
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
