KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[pilot]

I think that is where the idea of lovingly detach and leaving the way home smooth. You can be dark/NC. But when they contact you and you are pleasant, it gives them a little comfort to make that effort to R if that is what they want. Or so I tell myself...

[mdu]

I would not send a letter. I would just keep any contact you do have with him really, really light and pleasant. Show him you are happy and make him miss you. And, of course, work on being truly happy! Easier said than done, I know. It gets easier. My first few weeks of separation were awful but now I'm gettin in the grove and enjoying a lot of my time w/o H.

[Maybell]

I think Claire, Thornton, and GeorgiaBelle are on the right track. DB isn't just to get your marriage back -- it's to get you healthier so that your next relationship (whether with H or someone else) is the one you really want. Do you want a marriage where you have to constantly remind your partner that you're around and want to make him happy? Or would you prefer to be chased just enough to know you are valued?

He knows you're out there. He knows he's married to you. He knows that something must be done about that. Now give him some space to figure out what that something will be.

And in the meantime, take some pleasure in making your apartment really comfortable for you!

[KGirl]

Thanks, everyone. You've convinced me to leave things be! If he were to end up reconsidering his stance but then not bothering to reach out to me because he figures it's too much work/I'm probably done/etc., then that's not really the type of person I want to be with (one who can't openly communicate what he wants and ask in return). And, there were many times I said that this wasn't what I wanted and other things along those lines, so there shouldn't be much, if any, question.

I am actually enjoying my apartment and getting everything set up! I have a patio table now and am going to get some plants for my pots tomorrow, and my bedroom furniture is coming on Friday. I mean, I'd rather be at home and fully invested in an M with my H, but considering the situation I think this is the best I can do. My order of situations (best at the top) would be:
1. In the house with H, working on our M with an interested H
2. In my apartment solo but working on our M with an interested H
3. In my apartment solo with an uninterested H
4. In the house with an uninterested H

So, I've at least moved up from the worst-case situation?

I'm scared of things happening that I can't control, and that are hypothetical, and that I don't even know if I KNOW would have happened because H could just never tell me. The biggest thing I'm scared of is that he gets physically involved with someone and then later wants to R. Or maybe admits he's already been involved with someone in that way. I don't really want those things to be kept secret, but I'm scared I wouldn't be able to put it behind me and not think about it, no matter how much he does to regain my trust. And if he says he didn't do anything... how can I believe him? I know I shouldn't worry about it, but now that we're not in the same house his activities are completely unknown to me.

[Georgiabelle]

K-Girl,

Something about your post struck a chord with me. Why are you worrying about whether or not you will R with your h if he's been intimate with someone else? I completely understand what you are saying- I do. However, in order to R, it sounds like your h would have to do a significant amount of work himself. You have to keep living your life during that time. How long does it take for your h to work thru his stuff ? Maybe it's 6 months. Maybe it's 6 years. Maybe it's never.

Don't spend time worrying about things that you cannot control. It's just wasted energy. You are worrying about IF you could reconcile IF your h did x, and wonder IF you could get past that IF......that's a bunch of ifs, right?:). I know many of us have done those same things. Problem is it isn't productive.

Enjoy your new furniture and patio!