KGirl con't #3

[KGirl]

Hmmm did you want him back because you loved him or because you didn't like being alone, the anxiety was too much?

Looking back, some of both, but the fear of being alone was the biggest thing driving my behavior and thoughts the previous time around (and probably why it was so crazy). Now, I am not so scared of being alone, and it's the actual love for my H despite what has happened that keeps me "standing." But, that love seems to be fading the longer this goes and the less I feel connected to him.

There's that crystal ball again smile

How do you know this?

Well...there are some aspects that I do know, because we have an electronic note system at work where everything is documented! So when training isn't done well, and then a staff member tells a student at summer orientation that will be assigned to me later "sure, that course will count as X" because they didn't learn otherwise, and then student comes to me 2 months later saying they thought that thing counted and now they are a semester behind and want me to do something about it "it wasn't their fault, someone else told them the wrong thing" (and there's nothing I can do!) I can very clearly see where the other staff member wrote that incorrect information down for them, so I know the student didn't just misunderstand or make it up. Other staff giving wrong information to students I have to work with later drives me crazy. I can let go of not having control over how those other staff members are trained, or what their knowledge is, but when it starts affecting my day-to-day work, it's very frustrating. It's hard to just let go of the fact that it's negatively affecting MY "clients." That's a big part of why I switched jobs in the fall - I was working with a team of staff members and now I work alone.

Take a stab at it, what would your answer be?

Here's how the conversation went after I came in the door...
H: So who just gave you a ride home?
Me: X, from the business school
H: X, from the business school? Why'd he give you a ride?
Me: He lives pretty close to here, actually.
H: The business school? Did you have an event with them or something?
Me: No, it was a social event with a bunch of people from different offices.

I struggle because H asks me very direct questions that seem hard to dodge without being b*tchy. I guess I could have been more vague (when he asked who dropped me off, just said "someone from work" and when he asked what I was doing, just said "hanging out with people from work")? Maybe that would have been the right amount of vague? I thought about saying "it's none of your business" but that seemed too adversarial.

[labug]

You had choices, you made the best one for you.

When people ask us direct questions, not on a "need to know" basis, we don't have to answer.

I think that's difficult because many of us were taught to be "nice" but boundaries are important.

All that about the electronic note system and you knowing what the other staff member did or didn't do, how does that help you, really? I used to keep score on everyone I worked with. No effing kidding.

All I got was more and more unhappy because I had to be perfect to meet my standards! What if someone caught me in a mistake??? ARGHHHH!!!

We all make mistakes and someone else has to "fix it" for us. That's a part of living life with other people.

What's the alternative?

[claire7]

I wanted to add a couple of thoughts that may or may not relate to your situation:
1) letting go of my own perfectionism has improved my general outlook on life. Now that i am more forgiving of myself, I'm more forgiving of others too.

2) when my H asks me questions of any kind, I now try to choose not to read anything into it, and just assume it is an innocent question and nothing more. And I answer without getting defensive.

[KGirl]

Lots of things to think about. Thanks, ladies. "Keeping score" is a good way to describe it - I definitely did that a lot in my old job. The opportunity isn't there as much in my new job but when group activities or training come up it rears its head again. I do have very high standards for myself and what I think a good "person in my job" looks like, and when others don't meet those standards I get frustrated. I suppose that spills into other aspects of my life, too. Certain expectations for H that I didn't always tell him (because if I had to tell him then what's the point, he should just do it to be a "good H", was my thinking) and then when he didn't meet them, intentional or not, I was unhappy.

Today would be a good day to practice how I can change this. It's our graduation ceremony, and it's the first year we are doing it outside in the football stadium, with ALL the undergraduate and master's degree students. Picture seating 6,000 students in a football field, with all their family in the stands, outdoors, with a chance of rain. And I volunteered to help usher and organize the students I was very nervous after we were given instructions yesterday because they weren't specific enough for me, but I'll work on going with the flow and knowing that it will all turn out OK.

[labug]

KGirl, you remind me so much of me at your age.

Keep looking inward.

Have I mentioned the book Radical Acceptance to you? I'm currently re-reading it and I don't re-read books very often. I know you have some reservations about meditation,etc but I invite you to open up a little and read a few chapters.

[KGirl]

Thank you - I'll look into that book. I struggle when there aren't explicit instructions (for really anything in life!) so having books to read is helpful for me.

I'm thinking of doing something I never thought I'd be able to do a few months ago.. booking a solo trip.. to Las Vegas! There's a week in the summer that would be perfect work-wise for a vacation. Las Vegas would be a good destination for me because I've already been there with H, and therefore less likely to be overly sad about wishing he was there to experience something. There are also some things there he's not particularly fond of doing (like laying at the pool all afternoon) so this would be an opportunity to do things I've wanted to do there. I've literally got the stuff up on my browser, ready to purchase a flight, but my fear is holding me back. Not necessarily fear that he'll change his mind and now I'll have this solo trip (he could always come with), but fear that if he DOES decide to D I will be so sad that I won't want to go. Or, that I'll need the money for a D (although, if he's going to pay for the logistics, I probably don't need that much $?) I've already bought the key big things I need for my apartment, so I don't think $ is as big a deal as it seems in my head. I do tend to "hoard" money "just in case" and it's about time I did something fun with it. I could pay an extra $25 to be able to change or cancel my flight whenever I want, but that extra $25 could buy me a couple of drinks in Vegas! I want to do it, but I'm scared, moreso of what happen w/ my situation between now and then, than actually going by myself (I feel like I'd be OK there considering there are so many things to do and see). Any reassurances out there that it will be OK?

[vossy]

It will be okay. Nothing is set in stone. Book the trip now, because it will give you something to look forward to. Nothing says you HAVE to go, so if everything turns upside down again, you can cancel or postpone.

If I had the money, that's exactly what I'd be doing right now.

[Georgiabelle]

GO! You will have fun. Relax by the pool. See a show. People watch. Weather will be nice and warm. Enjoy.

[adinva]

Examine your fear. What is the downside? Do you think if your h renews his devotion and decides to rebuild your m that a week off on a solo trip will be the thing that ruins everything? No. There's no reason not to go, no matter what happens in your sitch. There are plenty of reasons TO go.

[labug]

GM, I read that as I went to the doctor with my cousin and wee laid on the beach all day. I want that doctor!



Yes, K, step out of your box, try new things, take each step as it comes.