KGirl con't #3

[Georgiabelle]

K Girl,

Is your h buying you out of the house? Or is there no equity? I can't recall. I'm mot sure what others think but I think it's kind of ridiculous for your h to expect you to pay for gutter guards when you wont be living there in 3 weeks. I wouldn't volunteer to pay for them.

Others may disagree, however I think this is one of those things that happen when you split up. Both parties have to adjust to their own living expenses. If the gutters bother your h now, then your h should pat for them.

[KGirl]

If we D he wants to buy me out of the house, and refinance in his own name. That is his plan, anyways. The D paperwork would stipulate that if that is not possible, then the house would be sold and proceeds split accordingly based on how long he was paying the mortgage vs. both of us. Right now this is all unofficial\in a document I wrote up, which also notes the buyout amt (my half of the current equity which is over $10,000). For now while we are separated the mortgage and house is in both of our names but he has agreed to pay it all. That seemed to leave a smoother road home than filing for S, which would force him to refi and then force the house to be sold. The lawyer I spoke to thinks it is questionable that he would get a loan based on the current payments and his income, even though H thinks he can afford it (he spends very little money so I suppose he could swing 2\3 of his take home pay for housing!) But yes, something about agreeing to pay for the gutter guards given his current attitude about how unlikely it is we will get back together makes me feel icky. It'd be different if the separation was more of a "let's see how we feel, I don't really know" type of thing.

[labug]

Gutter guards: Tell him you can't afford it right now, as part owner, you vote no.

About the stylist: I understand your trepidation about naming this situation but the reality is, you're separated. Accepting it doesn't make it good or bad, it's just accepting it and being able to create your life around that.

I was afraid to tell people for a long time because I didn't want to be seen as a failure and talking about it made it seem more real. The reality was, no one really cared much and it didn't make it any more real. It did help me accept and move forward.

[KGirl]

Thanks for the feedback. The quote we had gotten last year for the gutter guards was MUCH less, so the big increase in price made me question whether or not that's something I should contribute to.

Argargharghargh... so H had made it clear that he wanted to be involved wih dividing things up and not just leaving it up to me, he was very particular about wanting "sets" of things left "intact", and was concerned that if he wasn't here when I moved out that he'd come back and "everything would be gone." Last weekend I asked him to give me some times/dates he'd want to go room-by-room and discuss what I'd be taking vs. what would be staying. Nothing from him. I wanted to ask him again today, and tried my best to be non-accusatory and let him take the lead so he'd feel involved...
Me: I'd like to get started on packing. When can we start discussing what I'll be taking with me? Are there some times or days that work for you?
H: *silence... followed by a shrug*
Me: Tomorrow I'd be free. Or early next week.
H: *more silence*
Me: Do you want time to think about it?
H: Sure.

I'm starting to get really frustrated. I'd be just fine going through and making the decisions and leaving things that I know are his and dividing things evenly. I want to be respectful of what he wants, but if he can't talk to me about it, what do I do? I can't wait until the last minute to pack everything up days before the move. And I fear that if we do wait until the last minute he'll pull something bizarre and then I'll have to agree to it just because I have no time to do anything else. He'll talk to me just fine about any other random thing (right before this he was looking over my shoulder at my shopping list to see "what the good deals were" for his own shopping purposes and being joke-y about it) but as soon as anything related to "us" or logistics of separating come up he just clams up. But this is what he wanted... I don't get it. And then thoughts creep into my mind like "maybe he's reluctant to talk about it because he's second-guessing..!"

I'm also frustrated because MIL is con't to enable him despite a phone conversation we had where she said she "spoiled" him by doing everything for him and now he doesn't know how to "be an adult." She sent him coupons in the mail so he could go shopping this weekend. When he goes to visit her she gives him bags of food. How does life teach him lessons if she's always there to help him out? I'd like to say something to her but I know I shouldn't... right? Grrr. Any ideas on what I can say to myself to not be so annoyed and frustrated at him? I'm letting him go, staying out of his way, not making things harder for him, but he keeps trying to engage me in unconsequential things (like shopping lists) but not in important things (like what I can take for moving!) Maybe I just keep leaving him be, knowing that in less than a month I won't have to deal with him on a daily basis so I just need to keep on keeping on until then? I know it's not my job to make him feel the consequences. But I'm frustrated that other people are making it easy for him. Even his boss is helping him - he keeps bringing him cut-up fruit in tupperware containers to eat (I don't know why everyone thinks H doesn't eat/needs food? He's certainly capable of going to the store and doing these things. He just prefers to eat Kraft mac and cheese because it's easy). When they have to travel for work his boss even packs him a cold lunch for the trip. Why is everyone helping him out throughout this? Maybe I'm bitter because I don't get that same help from anyone... he is the one that wants this, why is everyone else taking care of him?

[KGirl]

Been away for awhile. Not much to say, I guess, or at least not many questions to ask. Just taking things one day at a time and trying not to worry about what may or may not be. Thinking about myself and what I value and want out of life, what things have I neglected or not spent enough time on that are important to me. I was doing an activity where I was supposed to list hobbies.. and I couldn't come up with anything besides reading and couponing. Certainly something to work on. I've also been making an effort to get involved in things at work that happen on the evenings and weekends, so I can flex time during the week. I used to shy away from those things 'cause I didn't want to take time away that I could spend with H. Now I just do them. I can envision myself being happy and fulfilled on my own, and I have a lot of ideas for after I move to help facilitate that. Would I ideally like to be happy with my H? Yes, but if that's not possible, then I'll still be OK.

H still has not broached dividing up stuff with me. I'm not sure what the deal is with that, but I can wait for now... just not indefinitely. I'm trying to keep an open mind and acknowledge that this may be hard for him in ways I may not be able to anticipate or understand, especially given he didn't actually want or ask me to move. My immediate reaction is "he wants a D, shouldn't he want to help facilitate this and make it as easy as possible?" but it may not be that simple.

H has made some changes that I would have really appreciated when we were M. I do appreciate and like them now but, like the WAS, I think to myself "Why are you finally doing this NOW?" Things like making doctor's appointments when he doesn't feel well and just doing it, rather than moan and complain and debate for days about whether or not he should make the appointment and how much work it is. He's run a bunch of errands and taken care of a bunch of things around the house. He's going to IC weekly.

H has been more talkative lately - telling me stories about work and friends and family. He got a new job about a year ago that he likes much better, but recently things haven't been going well. He was supposed to have a particular item ready by a certain date, but they allow a 30 day grace period for turning it in, so he let it slide until the very end of the grade period and his boss wasn't happy. In my world, I'd get it done at the first deadline and only use the grace period if there was an emergency but... everyone's different, right? In the past I would have said things like "well, I can see why your boss would be mad. Why didn't you put it in your calendar? Why haven't you talked to her about her personal expectations? etc." Instead I've been responding like I'm on his team - acknowledging that it s*cks that she's mad at him, that I hope things go better, etc. We had a lot of conversation at dinner today about the house, our jobs, etc... but then he still made a joke about when I move. It hurts that we can have these seemingly positive interactions, but then he'll do something like sit as far away as possible at the kitchen table.

I am still nervous about moving but I know it is the best thing for me right now. While this isn't a hostile environment, it's hard for me to do my own thing and "move on" while here indefinitely. At any rate I'd rather S first, then D, as opposed to just jump right to D without any experience being apart. At a conference at work this week we talked about how people make decisions, and a key point was that the more relevant and immediate the outcome or impact, the easier it becomes to make a decision. So far, outcomes haven't really been relevant or immediate for H. Living apart is likely to affect that.

[labug]

You're learning a lot and changing in ways you never anticipated, I would guess.

How is that for you?

[KGirl]

I am not quite sure yet how it is. I do know that I am coping with this much better than I previously did. Starting our senior year of college we were "broken up" for almost a year and a half - I say that in quotes because he would regularly say we were "not together" but then come in to town to do something, ask about staying overnight at my place, one thing leads to another, etc...more of an off again, on again thing. That was a pretty dark year for me. I was living by myself for most of it, doing grad school full-time and working part-time, so I was staying busy. But there were many nights where I'd sit in the bathroom sobbing, with a bottle of ibuprofen, wondering if I could just end it all right then. Lots of drinking by myself watching TV. Lots of e-mails to H telling him that he was a terrible person, that I hoped he never dated anyone else because I wouldn't want him to hurt the next person he dated so badly, things like that. This time around is much different. I'm taking myself out of the equation so he can only look to himself for his issues - he can't come back out of guilt or pressure or whatever other reason he may have said led him to come back in the past.

I still struggle a lot with controlling things, but try to recognize now whether it's worthwhile or not. For example, today we had a training for a summer event, and in my opinion the training was pretty bad - very little detail. I used to do the training for this same event for a different unit so I was constantly comparing how I would have done it with what they did. I started getting very anxious.. then realized I knew everything I needed to know to do this. I was more worried about the OTHER people being incompetent because of the training. So on the one hand, it doesn't really affect me, so I should let it go. But on the other, these people are working with students that later become my responsibility because they get assigned to me, and anything they get wrong I have to clean up later.. so it's a tricky balance of control vs. actually helping myself! I will always be a detail oriented and thorough person, it's just my personality and helps me immensely in my work, but there are places I can tone it down and not be so anxious about what other people are doing.

On another note... what do you do when your spouse asks where you've been or what you've been doing? How much detail do you give? We had happy hour after work today, and I came home about two hours later and was given a ride no less (by a guy! I mean, a married guy, but it may have made H wonder...) When I came in H asked "Where've you been? Who gave you a ride home?" How do you balance being "mysterious" with not being rude? I felt like saying "it's none of your business" would be too far on the wrong end. But I also don't want to give out everything of what I've been doing. I don't ask him anything about where he goes and he tells me nothing. Hmm...what to do?

[Thornton]

Hmmm... what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Do you get the feeling that this is starting to feel real to him? Perhaps he is getting a little nervous?

You come across as really confident. Considering how you dealt with the break up in college, maybe he thought you would crumble once gain?

[KGirl]

Well, I don't want to mind read but, the outcome is becoming more and more relevant and immediate each day. I have lots of boxes out and packed. Between my last post and now H asked what used to be on a particular shelf and I said my garden gnomes (I collect them) and he said he was worried that I might accidentally be packing things that are his. I did have a bit of a crying jag in the other room after that ("I'm giving him what he wants and doing all the work, why is he making me the bad guy, if he's so worried why doesn't he pick a time to start sorting out stuff?") But it didn't last long. The discrepancies between what he says and does is startling. H has said he hasn't been "assertive" enough in our relationship and in life in general so hard to say if coming across as confident is a good thing...maybe if it is a quiet confidence with integrity as opposed to a brash, pushy confidence?

[labug]

But there were many nights where I'd sit in the bathroom sobbing, with a bottle of ibuprofen, wondering if I could just end it all right then. Lots of drinking by myself watching TV. Lots of e-mails to H telling him that he was a terrible person, that I hoped he never dated anyone else because I wouldn't want him to hurt the next person he dated so badly, things like that. This time around is much different. I'm taking myself out of the equation so he can only look to himself for his issues - he can't come back out of guilt or pressure or whatever other reason he may have said led him to come back in the past.

Hmmm did you want him back because you loved him or because you didn't like being alone, the anxiety was too much?

I've had to ask myself these same questions in the past.

But on the other, these people are working with students that later become my responsibility because they get assigned to me, and anything they get wrong I have to clean up later.. so it's a tricky balance of control vs. actually helping myself!

There's that crystal ball again

How do you know this?

Did students get nothing wrong when you did the training?

Again, I've had similar reactions in the past, but when I take my ego out of it, there are many different learning styles and different teaching styles, Some people will be more responsive to your style, some to another style.

So, I let it go.

Hmm...what to do?

Take a stab at it, what would your answer be?