I know what that anger feels like, and it's totally understandable why you feel it. Your entire life is being uprooted around you, and the one person in the world that you would expect to be by your side THROUGH it is the very one CAUSING it.
Why doesn't your wife want to work on your M? Because she's in love with the OM and not you. That's it in a nutshell. She's going to have to either make an intellectual choice outside of emotion and decide to return and work on the M (which she's not planning on doing right now), or she's going to have to get through the withdrawel from the "breakup" with the OM. If the OM strings her along (like it sounds like he's doing) then that could last indefinitely....
Right now, your doing the right things. Your wife is going to behave like an addict right now. Addicts lie, cheat and steal to keep their habit going. That's why she seems like such a different person to you. Understanding that may help you cope.
I know what that anger feels like, and it's totally understandable why you feel it. Your entire life is being uprooted around you, and the one person in the world that you would expect to be by your side THROUGH it is the very one CAUSING it.
Why doesn't your wife want to work on your M? Because she's in love with the OM and not you. That's it in a nutshell. She's going to have to either make an intellectual choice outside of emotion and decide to return and work on the M (which she's not planning on doing right now), or she's going to have to get through the withdrawel from the "breakup" with the OM. If the OM strings her along (like it sounds like he's doing) then that could last indefinitely....
Right now, your doing the right things. Your wife is going to behave like an addict right now. Addicts lie, cheat and steal to keep their habit going. That's why she seems like such a different person to you. Understanding that may help you cope.
All the above is spot on. I was living your hell just over two months ago. The OM is like a drug to your W. I was lucky enough to show positive changes and give my W a reason to let me move back home. A lot of it had to do with my D that gave me the chance. For the first two months back my W was in constant contact with OM through text messages. W did not know I guessed the password to our cell phone account. It was all day every day and I drove myself crazy. It became my obsession. She would lie right to my face saying there was NC and that it was over. She even printed out and manipulated the text exchanges to make it look like it was my number she was texting like I'm stupid and didn't know.
This caused me to mope around and act more like the old me. I mean how cant you be down when you know you are living in a lie? W admitted that my behavior was just pushing her farther away. Thanks to the members on this board I was advised to stand up and put my foot down. I told her I knew for a fact it was going on and I was leaving for good if it continued. I did get weak and let it slip one time.
Then came the phase of her going through basically a state of depression of losing OM. All became well after awhile until OM started threatening her thru work email. Changed cell phone numbers and blocked email and even had to say we would go to the police.
All is finally great now. W let me back into her heart and we truly are in love again. Anything can happen! I was so close to walking away so many times trust me.
Only your W can make the choice to stop what she is doing and give you two a chance. Its been said over and over again, but be the man only a fool would leave. Obsessing over the OM will only drive you crazy and make you act in ways that are counterproductive in what you are trying to accomplish. I wouldn't wish this crap on anyone, but you can rise above it no matter how things turn out in the end.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Thanks guys! I know its natural to feel so upset and get so twisted up I just don't have the best way to channel this stuff. Especially when it hits me in the morning or at work. This whole business with the L has really kicked up my stress levels trying to decide what is best for me and S. The money is not as big of a deal but I've had this conviction this whole time that I would not be the one to file D. But I'm tired of sitting in Limbo just so I can say she will have to be the one to push this rock up the hill. I don't know now if A is still going on or if it fizzled. I have no way of knowing. She says its over but how can I believe that. She also tried to tell me nothing happened and I don't believe that. If you read the letter in my first post, I can't see that being the case.
I've slowed down my GAL activities recently. I need to get back to figuring that out somehow. I'm fine on the weekends but the weekdays don't often work out into anything unless I just take S out. I think I just need to pass the next two weeks like this and then things will change. We have a different schedule for the summer. W will have S more and I won't have to see her every day from school drop off.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
So on my way home from work today, picking up some food for S, and my W messages me to find out when I will be home to get him so she can take off. She goes ahead and just includes that she doesn't have plans but is super hungry. I go ahead and pick her up something too since I was already stopping and come home. She and S eat while she talks about her blow out with MIL recently, how her friends are doing, and what her brother is up to these days. I just tried to listen and validate her concerns. Think I was doing well. Of course I'm feeling...happy to have spent some time together. We had a couple drink after that just chatting while she dreaded going home to MIL. Her points about MIL drew into how she is not going to worry with making MIL happy with her actions anymore, she isn't living her life for others anymore. She says she has always done this and because of it she has no idea who she is or what she wants in life. She now seems to think its a good idea that she see a therapist after having thought about it and is going to check with her insurance to see who she can start seeing after then next 2 weeks. Don't know if I should really be allowing time like this but its not like I asked her to stay, just brought a couple extra hot dogs home.
Baby steps...
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Bunches you've helped me so much and as you know I'm just in the baby stages of my sitch. However, here's what I realized today and I think maybe it's right, but who knows.
As long as she's sleeping with another man she isn't anything to me, but the mother of my children and I will treat her as such. I will not go the extra mile to engage in conversation unless it is about the children or finances. IF and a big if she ever decides she wants to work on the marriage the only thing I will accept is "I made a mistake, how can we make our marriage work." I'm done feeding into false hope and letting her keep me around for Plan B. I'm not going to be a second choice, I'm focusing on me now and going forward.
I don't know how that relates to your sitch, but maybe stop letting her use you as her crying board and make her have to deal with things herself like our wive's are forcing us to do.
Me-33,W-26 M-4 yrs, T-5 years S- 2 D- 4 (Special needs, undiagnosed) Apr 2014 B date End of April 2014 Moved in with parent's
Bunches you've helped me so much and as you know I'm just in the baby stages of my sitch. However, here's what I realized today and I think maybe it's right, but who knows.
As long as she's sleeping with another man she isn't anything to me, but the mother of my children and I will treat her as such. I will not go the extra mile to engage in conversation unless it is about the children or finances. IF and a big if she ever decides she wants to work on the marriage the only thing I will accept is "I made a mistake, how can we make our marriage work." I'm done feeding into false hope and letting her keep me around for Plan B. I'm not going to be a second choice, I'm focusing on me now and going forward.
I don't know how that relates to your sitch, but maybe stop letting her use you as her crying board and make her have to deal with things herself like our wive's are forcing us to do.
Wow, for someone in the baby stages, that's pretty sage advice!
At one point I even told my W that I felt like the plan B. And also that I did not know how long I would be around to let her figure her crap out. I went completely dark on W and then all of a sudden she started texting me and finally let me move back home. Every situation is different so who really knows what is best. My W swung back and forth many times. I swore it was over for good and suddenly she let me back.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Well my wife just unfriended me on FB changed her status off married and her OM posted a selfie on his page that she like with the statement, "Ten years in the making, look who I found, or did she find me???
Me-33,W-26 M-4 yrs, T-5 years S- 2 D- 4 (Special needs, undiagnosed) Apr 2014 B date End of April 2014 Moved in with parent's
