New here and very Confused

[2BHappy]

@ Wounded,

I so appreciate all your feedback and I must respect that you think there is no more "help" you can give me at this time.

I don't think I would consider us piecing at this point, I need this to continue for some time, I need to continue to see signs that my H is trying to connect to me. Either way, I know I will continue improving myself, GAL and being happy. I'm stronger then I have been in a very long time. I'm not at all thinking things are RIGHT, alot of work needs to be done for both of us.

I have told my H, I dont want our old M, I want a better M and a better H.

I will speak to my pastor, who is very focused on keeping marriages together and see what advice he has to give. I have checked with a couple of marriage counselors who focus is also on keeping the marriage intact.

[woundedfool]

@ Wounded,

I so appreciate all your feedback and I must respect that you think there is no more "help" you can give me at this time.

Please note, I am not totally done. Just that it would be wrong of you to steer you in a direction I have little or no experience in.

BTW, you have hit part of your goal of getting him to return to bed. What is your goal to keep the change going? Or refining that goal?

[2BHappy]

H is not fully back in bed, like last night he did not sleep in our bed.

So until he is consitent with this, I do not feel like this goal has been met, it in progress.

H was great yesterday in regards to making sure I had a great mother's day.

Today I was feeling unsure about how long I can "hang" in here and keep trying....

[2BHappy]

I'm fighting against the urge to bring up R to my H?

It's a little over 2 weeks for me as far as not bringing up M or R to H.

I'm now also wondering how long do I wait, how long do I sit around and hope H has a change of heart about our M?

I will continue working on me, I feel like soon I will be done waiting, I know it has not been long time, but to me it seems like forever.

A year almost since H stop wearing ring, and first told me he was not sure what he wanted in regards to our M or R.

A couple months since H flat out told me he did not want to be a H anymore.

Only a couple of weeks since I have not mentioned M or R or ask him questions that relate to us.

But I'm getting tired of waiting for H to want this M.

I've been working on GAL for a couple months, going DIM works for me, its helps me to focus on other stuff.

Sometimes I feel just a tiny bit that H is coming back, but then next day I feel like H is never coming back to M.

H seems content us being co-parents and friends all while living in same house.

When will I know I had enough, waited long enough?

I feel disrepected with H still not wearing his wedding ring? I hate not spending couple time with H.

I'm also sometime tired of finding stuff to do to avoid H and not start a R or M conversation.

Tired of sometimes taking sleeping pills so I can go to sleep.
Tired of smiling on outside and crying on inside.

How do I know when I giving it my all, made my permanment changes, I know true changes real changes take time and there were many things I needed to change in how I related to H and the type of wife I was to him.

I want to give it till the end of the year, so I know the changes I making are real for me.

But I'm not sure if I can continue to wait?

Please give me some advice on how long you waited before things gots better or the R ended?

How do I know that H is really done with our M and R?

How do I knwo when I'm really done?

[artsy]

I guess you need to figure out what "waiting" means. You won't feel better all of a sudden because you made a decision either way. The feeling will be there, regardless. As so many post here, the only way through this is THROUGH it.

If there is any doubt, hold off on making any decisions. I think the worst thing in the world would be to look back on this and have regrets because you made a knee-jerk decision to try and make yourself feel better.

You need to detach more. (Probably seems impossible with him in the house). I still have detaching to do, but my life is much better/happier now that I am more detached. I still have my pity-parties, but "waiting" is not a big deal to me right now. We all will know when enough is enough. I think as a golden rule, if you're having doubts, you aren't there yet.

Hang in there.

[2BHappy]

@ Artsy
Very true I'm still having doubts and have in the past made knee jerk decisions based on how I was feeling.

Very hard to detach more, with H here in our home.

H asks me about my whereabouts/plans whenever he is here and I leave and he ask me about weekend stuff or gets tidbits from our son.

H calls me at least once a day on his way to work (works 2nd shift) H tells me about his plans like if going out for a beer after work on stopping over step sons house etc. H gives me a quick update when he calls daily on way to work about what he did around the house etc.

When I pull back more, H does things to pull me back in, extra phone call, more conversation etc.

One of H complaints is that I was distant and cold during most of our R. So it a fine line between going dark and going dim for me.

Sex is something I need to figure out now, I want to be intimate especially if H initiates, not sure if this is helping our R or not, I know it works for that moment in time, but I dont read into it as we are back and working on M. I really try to look at it as a "booty call" two adults ful-filling our physical needs. But I know this is dangerous teritory for me. ML or having sex with H is great, but the emotions for me after wards,,,,need to determine if its really worth it for me.

I need to pull back a lil more with my conversations, keep it focused on our son, our household issues.

I feel like H is OK with us being friends and co parenting in same house. AND to be able to have sex as needed.

OH well....not ready to end R or ask H to leave house, so I must continue working on me and staying strong for myself and my son.

[2BHappy]

How do others handle sex with H or W who is still in the home? I know every situation is different, but I use this board to see how others are handling this situation and to VENT.

Not sure if OW is still in picture, my gut tells me she is not.

Don't know if H is in mid life crisis or for his reasons no longer happy in this M or R?

I do know not enough sex is another one of H reasons he is not happy in M.

In the process of working on myself and GAL and putting myself first I feel alot better about myself and my sex drive has increased in the process.

I know its very emotional for me to ML with my H. I also know my needs have made me think for a very quick sec about what if I stepped outside my M and got my needs met by someone esle. BUT I will not do that, that thought came and quickly went and I decided if was better to have sex with my H since he is still in our home.

But back to my questions,,,How do others handle ML or sex with WAS's?

[Georgiabelle]

2BHappy,

Just catching up. Very little sex was an issue in our marriage was an issue. I admit my h is much more emotional than me so I did initiate frequently post BD. Sometimes I thought " I should have just done this more often!" However, I expected it to change zero. And it didn't. It was just having sex with h. I'm not ashamed for trying because I can say I was trying. However, as soon as he moved out (and I knew OW was in pic) I adopted the friendly distant business associate attitude.

Only you can decide what feels right for you. I can genuinely tell you I had no expectations for sex to change or mean anything. However, if you can't adopt that approach, you may want to not engage. I should also say not to expect having lots of sex to turn the sitch around. If he's been with others, be sure to protect yourself.

Glad you are feeling much better about you. That's all great for YOU!

[2BHappy]

@Georgiabelle

Yes I dont expect sex with my H to change the way he feels about M or R.

At this point my mind set is if Im in the mood then I will have sex with my H. I can initiate or H can. If I feel that Im too emotional after sex, then I will know that right now its not something I can handle at this stage. Right now it has not made me feel any worse about situation.

Protection is very important, even though H still says that the OW was not a PA, I don't believe that for one minute, I really dont. And that makes me angry,,,if your going to cheat and not tell your W or H, use protection to NOT Bring anything home and or make babies.

[2BHappy]

Looking for more feedback

How do you handle sex (ML) with H or W in your current situation?