Texas Two Stepping

[Nettles]

I'm thinking about starting a new thread in the "Piecing" section. Based on the info there I think I meet this: "Piecing is when both parties are (or say they are) committed to working on the relationship".

W is including me in something every day so that I see W and kids. For our 'reconnect' vacation later this month, W didn't want to go to a marriage retreat because "they were last chances for people to save the marriage." She talks about "when" I move back home. There is no talk of Ls or D. The MC sessions are about working on the relationship.

But the deciding factor is that I feel the need to do something more than DBing. I feel like I need to build an intimate connection with W. I know it was something missing for W previously, and is now something I want too. MWD rules in "Piecing" section seem to fit the bill.

[MrBond]

After reading through your thread, you never did explain why your W left you in the first place. You never detailed what the problems were and why she had the PO against you.

Honestly, I don't think you are in Piecing yet. AND the fact that you said you said you needed to do "something more than DBing", shows you never understood what DB actually is.

It's to constantly learn and grow and understand how your spouse is and what her needs are. Intimacy is included in that. Right now she's being extremely cautious and doesn't trust your changes. When she feels comfortable enough to trust you again, the intimacy will happen.

[Nettles]

Why did W leave? Because I was an angry, unhappy person who wasn't pleasant to be around. I was passive/aggressive and tried to intimidate her into doing thing my way.

Although you didn't ask, I'll tell you why I was angry and unhappy. I was unhappy because I didn't work on understanding what made me happy, and I stopped doing things that made me happy. I was angry because I didn't like myself, where my career was going and my perceived lack of success, and that W knew what made her happy. If I was miserable, I expected her to be miserable too, and I'll undermine her happiness if I have to.

I've read a lot of your post, MrBond, and respect your opinion. So what is your definition of "piecing"? As I wrote, if it is defined as that, I don't see how it hasn't started.

You question my understanding of DBing. Do you see piecing as a part of DBing? Is there no distinction? Does DBing have no end?

Regarding the PO, W states that she was scared by my actions the weekend she left. For me, I don't like the person she described in her deposition to get the PO, and this is why I'm taking the Batterer Intervention Program my state offers. The police were never called. I'm not there due to a court order. I am owning what I did and working to improve. If you'd like more detail, please ask. Upon filing the PO, she immediately had her L 'tear down' the court date. If you don't know what that means, I can explain.

I think the most beneficial thing you wrote was that W doesn't trust my changes. You are probably right about that. But she does trust them enough to not be proceeding with the D.

[soldier]

Hey Nettles,

I cannot add much input on whether or not you are ready for piecing as in truth I am not even sure what that is right now. I did read DR but having now read so many other books after it I think I need to go back and refresh my DR to make sure I don’t slip on my goals and tactics.

I did have one question for you as you said something about “Upon filing the PO, she immediately had her L 'tear down' the court date”. I am not familiar with the term “tear down” in regards to a court date. If it isn’t too much trouble, could you give me a quick definition as I am curious. I am obviously hoping for the best in my sitch but also want to stay prepared for the worst.

I agree with MrBond about how your wife sees you change but I also agree with you that you seem to have awareness of this fact and am indeed moving cautiously into these new areas. I have read on these forums however that WAS can be kind of flaky and change on a dime. I am not saying this will happen to you nor do I even want to hex you that way but just be careful to insure that your hard work continues going in the right direction.

As far as the concept of DBing and what it means to individuals. This one is interesting to me. I have read many books now and many of these books were recommended to me right here within posts on these forums. At first, I felt that reading additional material was doing more than just DBing but as I pondered it more and more I started thinking that the core purpose of DB is to Bust a Divorce before it happens which these other books are trying to do as well so now I look at everything I do as a form of DBing, from reading to GAL to being my best physically, mentally and spiritually to meditation and prayer to being a good father. Now I see everything as DBing. If you think of DB in this light then it becomes impossible to do more than DB. You simply do more for your DB efforts.

[Nettles]

Hey soldier,

For the PO, W's L went in front of a judge with a sworn statement from W that read "I'm scared of Nettles because...". Judge granted a PO that would last for 20 days. At the time the PO was granted, the judge ordered that I appear in court on a specific date during the 20 day time frame to address the PO and determine if it should be extended etc. Basically, this would be my opportunity to defend myself.

Immediately after the judge granted the PO, W's L ask that they forego the court date, what my L called 'tearing it down'. This meant that I didn't have to appear in court and that the PO would expire after 20 days. From what I understand, judge warned that it would be higher bar to get a new PO.

Why did W 'tear it down'? Pessimist says PO was a legal tactic to get me out of the house and set some other temporary orders and she didn't want to go back to court. Optimist says that she had to 'tear it down' and fire L that filed it to proceed with collaborative D process. This process in Texas doesn't allow participants to retain any other outside counsel or have any outstanding court actions against the other person. W says it was a sign of good faith.

I really don't care why it was torn down. The PO has become a central component in my 'book of inspiration' that I use for my meditation on establishing a nonviolent, nonabusive outlook for the day. It is the most powerful item I have, even more than the D lawsuit.

With respect to DBing, I think it comes down to semantics. I think of DBing in the context of the Divorce Remedy book. That is a 7 step process to get to a specific point. I think there are a lot of concepts that will always apply to having a healthy R, but doesn't include everything for a healthy R.

Like you soldier, I too have read a lot. Maybe I need to revisit the DR book.

[Nettles]

Interesting MC work this week and it related to my "more than DBing" comment. W said she'd like to know how I feel about her and that I like to spend quality time with her. (Yes soldier, we did LL talk). This is very much in line with my comment.

So I've been telling her I love her and have set up our first date night tomorrow for a movie. I made the plan and bought the tickets, so this is pretty much a 180 on date nights. I've even parlayed this effort in to another date night Saturday night where I suggested the movie and coordinated details.

I've got the flowers ordered for Mother's day, and ILs took care of brunch plans. Youngest 2 have presents. I just have to coordinate with oldest 2 on what they are doing. They're old enough to come up with ideas, so I've challenged them to come up with something, but I'll have a back up plan when they don't.

I'm also working on flowers, cake and a gift for our time in Colorado. W's birthday was during the time of PO and when they were on vacation. This is another 180.

W may not trust Nettles' changes but she will because they are for real.

[soldier]

Hey Nettles,

Well it sounds like progress is moving so fast and I am happy for you. I enjoy your last line and hope to find myself in the same boat someday. I will post an update on my thread to explain more.

[Nettles]

Thanks soldier. It has been a wild trip so far. And we did have a great weekend. W and I had a lot of quality time together. We did end up doing all the things I wrote about previously and ended yesterday by watching a movie at the house together.

The time together did lead to a few situations that in the past would have been contentious. But we worked through them. Not perfectly, but we did resolve them and learn about each other while getting them resolved. In the past, they would have festered without resolution or lead to drawn out arguments. I'm learning what she needs and how to give it to her. She also commented that she feels like I'm listening to her as part of the process. They were a little scary to go through, but it is building a better, stronger R.

And after 23 years, I'm now officially a Texan. We went cowboy-gear shopping on Saturday and I bought my first pair of cowboy boots for our trip at the end of the month. I'm very excited.

[soldier]

HA, that is awesome Nettles. I never did the boots but me and my W in our younger days did get into line dancing for a few years. I have driven and flew through Texas several times but never really got to stay and visit. Maybe someday if everything settles out I will attempt a more pleasant trip out that way. It seemed a very beautiful state.

As far as the scary stuff that you faced over the weekend, I would imagine that that stuff will continue to pop up for quite some time but you just take it one incident at a time and I am sure like everything else they will become easier and easier to deal with. Building the better R is kind of what this is all about so it always makes me happy to hear your improvements as it gives me greater hope for my own sitch some day.

[Nettles]

Thanks soldier. I'm surprised you line danced without getting boots! I did like 3 classes here before I met W, but never went out and actually did it.

We talked in MC today about how we handled the weekend and C had great suggestions on tools. I feel very fortunate to have W that is willing to work with me. I read other sitches and see what a different mindset W is than others.