You mentioned your h's comments about getting back together after whatever this is, passes...
My h said the same thing. Not sure what to make of it but rather than worrying about what it means in THEIR minds at that moment in time,
I think we ought to focus on what WE need to do. That maybe when I decided to step back and "release" my h to his "mission". I got out of his way.
He was SURE he'd make gazillions in Alaska, the "LAST FRONTIER" and we'd "all realize" that he was right when that happened, and he said a ton of other semi irrational things about the place. He believed what he said, as far as I know.
(Btw WE Lived there in the 90s so it's not as if we had not made an effort. ONLY H loved it there, while the rest of us liked parts of it but full time, NO...and btw, h is an MD & I'm a L, so we were not broke...)
One very hard thing for me to do, was accepting something I did not understand, let alone agree with. But you can spend your energy to fight it or to work on yourself.
I honestly believe that there is nothing I'd leave my kids for...nothing...
I know a few who have left their families to be "with the one they REALLY love" but they pay a heavy price, and so do their families.
But for a JOB in a PLACE?
I had to work very hard to accept that my h was making a choice I didn't get at all, and I so opposed...
In time, he went...alone, to live on the tundra to make a fortune. Eventually he "begged" (his words) me and our youngest child to join him (older children were in college by then) and we did eventually join him with the promise it'd be for ONE year and if WE did not ALL agree to stay, we'd all leave.
There, he seemed to awaken and we ALL agreed to return here. How wacky was all that? Anyhow, here we are.
I don't know what your h is planning. He may not know either, but I can tell he is searching. And he thinks he has a plan.
Your position is a tough one but there is clarity. I mean, your h is saying he wants a D. He's more or less acting as if that is what he wants (not consistently, but more or less).
That's a very tough thing b/c down deep our biggest fear is that somehow we brought this about ourselves, and or we worry that if we were nearly as great people as we hoped/believed we were, why would the person who knows us best, choose to leave us?
Beyond owning our own part, we have to concede that while it always takes two to make a marriage work, sometimes, one person can make a marriage end.
The clarity you have is simply that you are not being given a choice.
OR to put it another way, you can do this the wrong way or you can be a woman of strength and dignity in the face of a real blow.
Just don't start seeing yourself in your d's position OR that you are somehow reliving the abandonment of your childhood.
Stay in the present... one day at a time and one task at a time... You will reach the other side of this, in time. He may awaken. All I can tell you is that at some point you have to prepare yourself for NOT reconciling, and yet still being happy...
and or doing a boatload of work to reconcile, work which your h may well not be capable of doing. Neither road is easy. But you already know which road you are on, for now.
Stay on course with GAL, which you have to do in order to Detach, and to co-parent... and become a happy fulfilled woman, with or without this h.
((((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
When your H began to express his feelings that he'd maybe made a mistake, he wasn't happy (actually really miserable) in his current life & choices, hated himself for what he'd done etc - how did you react to that? How did you know he meant it?
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
This hit home. My H thinks he has it all planned out. He will find someone to marry he never has to spend time with, he never argues with, he will see the baby as much as he wants, I will never date or marry again which means some other guy won't be raising his kid etc. etc.
H supposedly moves out next month. The whole "I am going to get to see my kiddo any time I want" is a pipe dream. Not because I sill keep her away, but because there will now be a few days and weekends I am unavailable and doing things with her, so he cannot see her.
I also wish him luck in finding a relationship with a woman who never wants to spend time with her spouse, never argues and never asks him to do things around the house.
Me- 29 H - 36 T - 5y M - 2y D - 11 months BD#1 June 2013 BD#2 H files 10/28/13 Retrouvaille Nov 13 BD #3 H Files 2nd time 4/22/14 Fires L 7 days later. No court dates set Supposedly he's moving out?
25 - I get what you're saying. I even know, rationally, that I will be ok without my H. I'm still hoping for things to work out though. I'd like to think that it isn't too late and it is still possible that we'll R, even though that seems like a really remote possibility right now.
I'm concerned that my H is saying he still wants to be best friends (and acts like it in a lot of ways) because he feels guilty. I also feel pretty Machiavellian to acknowledge that one of the reasons I want to still be his friend is to keep a connection so that there is more possibility that we will R.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
That's a very tough thing b/c down deep our biggest fear is that somehow we brought this about ourselves, and or we worry that if we were nearly as great people as we hoped/believed we were, why would the person who knows us best, choose to leave us?
This is a recurring thought for me. What is so wrong with me that he can't love me? Even now, he tells me that he knows that he is a fool to leave me and that he will never find anyone better than I am. Maybe that's more stuff to make me feel better or to ease some of his guilt. He knows that it is the "wrong" decision but he "has" to do it anyway.
I know that I can be happy without my H. I wouldn't even say that right now, three days after he told me that he wanted a D, that I am unhappy. I laugh (like really laugh) and smile and joke around. D7 and I were giggling like crazy last night about me acting silly. I still find joy. Still, I want to be happy with my H, not without him. Clearly, I'm fighting acceptance.
Pulling this question over here from my prior thread:
Any other thoughts on friendship? Am I still at a place where I should accept some invitations to do things with my H, but not all? I really, truly do miss his company and don't want to lose him in my life.
And another question:
I need to talk to my H about the parenting schedule we have. My D7 doesn't like it. She's expressed confusion over it. I think that H and I need to sit down and talk about what is best for her. I've been thining about what I think might work better, but I don't want to close my mind to any suggestions that he might have (180 opportunity here). I'm thinking of sending him a text that says, "H, I'd like for us to set aside some time to talk about the parenting schedule going forward since D7 has expressed some concerns. Maybe Sunday evening?" Any thoughts on that? If I allow myself to mindread, I think he'll probably jump to the conclusion that I'm going to say that I don't want to do 50/50, which is not my intention. I want to have a conversation about what D7 has said and brainstorm with him about possible alternatives. I do think that he also wants what is best for her, but we have different ideas of what that is.
And another:
Do you think it will still be useful for me to get a DB coach? I'm not sure if he's too far gone that it couldn't make a difference.
It will come, you cant force it (believe me I tried lol!) - remember this is a process, just go with the emotions you feel and trust that you'll end up where you are supposed to be.
You don't have to accept that its over forever, you dont have to accept that you'll end up divorced, the only thing you need to accept is that RIGHT NOW you & your H are separated and you need to live your life according to that - none of us know what tomorrow will bring so we can only deal with right now.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
You don't have to accept that its over forever, you dont have to accept that you'll end up divorced, the only thing you need to accept is that RIGHT NOW you & your H are separated and you need to live your life according to that - none of uszzwhat tomorrow will bring so we can only deal with right now.
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Well put!
M:41 H:38 D:6 D:3 M:11 yrs T:15 yrs Bomb: Feb 8/14 Seperated: Feb 12/14
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
This is in response to last thread about men doing what their fathers did when that was the LAST thing they ever wanted to do....It's not just men. My W had a father that abandoned her, her brother and mother when she was 10 and brother 6 or 7. I won't go into details but he was as awful as they come, putting all the money and the business he AND her mom started and worked hard building in his GF's name (a woman who was "friends" with her mom), never paid a penney in CS, drug the divorce out until both kids were over 18 so he wouldn't have to pay more. The MC they went to said he had never seen anyone who fit the description of a psychopath better than he did. (he would sit and read magazines during sessions ignoring it all).
His poor treatment went on all her life (didn't bother to tell my W he was remarried let alone invite her to the wedding), he has no relationship with his son at all (his choice), the awful things go on and on. Before we married my wife swore she would NEVER put herself or her kids through a D, understood that love was verb, not a noun, etc.
Since her MLC (started when her grandfather died and her father said he wanted to make up for all the bad he had done, but only if she left me and her kids!)my wife has done a 180 on all of this. She says it's not D but how you act during and after that hurts the kids, said "we all hurt our kids, they'll get over it", says she loves me but "there are many kinds of love" and can't help if she feels this way. The topper is the thing she is "replaying" most is her relationship with her dad. He pushed her for years to leave me and her kids and do fun things with him like go to Europe together and is the ONLY person she talks to about her plans to D me. He also has told her to hide joint funds and how best to keep me from finding out (I did anyway) and is giving her money to help her leave. He now is just a great guy who was too hurt to be part of her life before. She doesn't see that she is becoming him!
It seems like MLC makes WAS's do the exact things they had said they would never, ever do and it's not just the men! I'm finding this out the hard way as well.
